by Deb McEwan
Caroline screamed when she saw two silver spiders scurrying towards the bath on the bathroom floor and this brought Phil back to life. He woke up suddenly and banged his chin on the toilet bowl. He then jumped up, tripped over his own feet and grabbed hold of the towel rail stopping himself from falling to the floor in his own vomit.
‘What’s wrong, what’s wrong, it’s OK, I’m here, I’m here.’ Phil was feeling more than a little disorientated but anxious to protect his wife.
‘I’m so glad, Prince Charming. Come on, let’s get you to bed.’
With an arm round her husband, Caroline and Phil got to the bed and Phil collapsed in a heap. He was snoring within 30 seconds. Caroline sighed and returned to the bathroom. Although tempted to leave the mess for her husband in the morning, she couldn’t bring herself to do this. With a mop and bucket from downstairs, she cleaned up Phil’s mess, planning her revenge on her husband for the following day.
Max did one final voiceover before completing his shift. ‘Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. This isn’t clever, so please don’t try this at home.’
Not that the Terries could as they didn’t yet have access to alcohol.
He returned to his quarters, Vicky in tow, absolutely shattered, and fell asleep as soon as he arrived. Vicky left quietly thinking it was about time that they moved in together.
Chapter 10
Caroline woke up to peace and quiet in the house. She tiptoed to Jack’s room and looked at her beautiful sleeping baby. Although now quiet, Caroline was amazed that already she knew the difference between the baby’s different crying, whether for food, to change his nappy, or if he wanted to sleep. The most perfect human being in the world and he belonged to Caroline and Phil. She was really tired but her heart was bursting with joy. She left Jack sleeping peacefully, had a shower then went back to check on Phil.
Back in the master bedroom Caroline shivered but she wasn’t cold. Something had given her the creeps. The hairs on her neck were standing on end and she had that strange feeling again that she was being watched. She’d felt like this a number of times lately but had shook it off and thought it was probably something to do with motherhood. She’d have to ask the other mothers when she remembered. That was the other thing. Her once good memory had turned to mush and she had to write down important things, or she completely forgot about them; not good for a teacher. She’d made a mental note to start memory exercises. Caroline looked at her still sleeping husband and wondered how much he would remember from the night before. She absolutely adored him but boy, was he going to get some stick from her today!
Max. ‘In the Gibson house that morning we have what humans who’ve drank too much alcohol call the morning after the night before, which is also known as a hangover. This means that they generally don’t feel well, are not very helpful, and sometimes have to be punished by the humans who haven’t taken much alcohol the previous night.’
Phil woke up with a head that throbbed like a thumb that had been smacked with a hammer. His breath smelled like a bear’s armpit and he made his way to the bathroom like a man dying of thirst in a desert. He felt dreadful physically and also felt guilty. Caroline had a thing about her weight and instead of cherishing her last night, he’d got very drunk and thrown up. How mature and sensible. He was determined to make it up to her. He stepped into the shower, took a deep breath and turned the water on full cold. His head felt slightly better when he tried to slink into the kitchen unnoticed, looking very pale. Jack was sitting in his high chair gurgling happily at his mother who was feeding him pureed fruit.
‘Morning, darling. Just in time to change Jack’s nappy.’ Caroline shouted.
Phil grimaced.
‘Oh dear, you don’t look well!’
As Phil changed the nappy, Jack broke wind then peed directly onto his father’s face. Phil turned a deathly pale and tried his hardest not to be sick.
Max. ‘Remember, the nappy is the item that covers the infant human waste disposal unit until they’re old enough to use a toilet on their own. When the human makes a noise from the waste disposal unit it’s known as breaking wind. This shouldn’t be confused with what humans call wind breakers. Let me show you’
Max returned to the Cutting Room to fit the wind breaker scene into the recording.
A family were enjoying themselves sitting on a beach and eating ice-creams. Hair and towels of other beach visitors were blowing in the wind but the family eating ice creams were shaded from the wind behind a large piece of cloth stuck to poles about 3 foot in height which were placed in the sand in a semi-circular fashion. An arrow sign displaying the words wind breaker pointed to the wind breaker.
Max added some explanation. ‘So now you know the difference between breaking wind and a wind breaker. All humans break wind, whether they’re commoners, celebrities, politicians, policemen or royalty, and a healthy person can break wind up to 16 times a day. When humans of the opposite sex start a relationship with each other, it is not considered polite to break wind in front of each other until they know each other very well. Remember when Caroline and Phil didn’t know each other as well as they do now?’
Max fitted the next scene into the recording. It showed Caroline and Phil as students, comfortable in each other’s company, snuggled together on the settee. They were watching a scary movie. Caroline handed Phil a piece of pizza and put the box on the floor.
Caroline jumped quickly off the settee. ‘Oh yuck, you dirty pig, you could have waited until we’d finished eating.’ She hit Phil with a cushion.
Max. ‘Females sometimes pretend that they don’t break wind at all, but they’re usually lying.’
Back with Phil and Caroline eating their pizza and a little later Caroline emitted a squeaky noise. She blushed and started giggling. Phil looked at her fondly and started laughing. Caroline reddened even more.
Max. ‘In some human societies, people never break wind in front of each other, as this is considered rude and uncouth.’
A dinner party scene is shown on the Terryvision.
Archie and Helen were visiting their relatives down south and a dinner party was being held in their honour.
*****
Although Clive was starting to get over Vicky, Max thought it a good idea to put some space between them so decided Clive’s team would cover Archie and Helen’s visit down south. Clive and his team were already there and Max wanted to send another team to assist. He asked Vicky’s opinion.
‘What about Geraldine? She should be completely regenerated by now I think?’
Vicky knew very well that Geraldine was ready to return to work, but didn’t want Max to know she’d been keeping tabs on her.
The Phoenix spiders shedded their skins annually. Where legs had been lost, new ones would grow during this process and their old skins replaced by shiny new ones. It was a traumatic and tiring process and the Shedding Suite, a distance from the hub hub of the Ops Room, was an oasis of calm, equipped with everything needed to maximise the comfort of those going through the process. Max entered quietly. There were three of them in there. One sleeping, another with eyes closed but wearing headphones and Geraldine, at the refreshment station, taking a sip of a fruit smoothie from a thimble. Chopin’s Nocturne in G Minor sounded through the speakers and seemed to caress the room and enhance the calm atmosphere.
Max listened for a minute, not wanting to spoil the mood.
‘Hello, Boss.’ Geraldine smiled and Max was again surprised at how pleasant she was these days.
‘How’s Vicky?’
‘Fine thanks.’
‘Be sure to give her my best wishes when you next see her.’
That was the other thing. Geraldine constantly asked after Vicky and always with respect and slight trepidation thought Max. It was as if she’d had a personality transplant and it was all a bit weird. He’d have to discuss this with Vicky when the opportunity arose.
Geraldine waited for Max to reveal the reason for his visit but he seemed to be in his
own world.
‘Can I help you, Boss?’
Max snapped out of it. Geraldine looked as if she was ready to leave the Shedding Suite but he had to be sure.
‘How much longer do you think you need here?’
Geraldine’s second in command, Larry, had been standing in for her at the hospital and she thought there must be a problem.
‘What’s happened? I would have sworn that Larry could handle the pressure.’
‘It’s nothing like that. Larry’s doing OK.’ Max was quick to allay her concerns. ‘I’ve a little job for you, but need to make sure you’re ready for it.’
‘Boss, I wanted to leave two days ago but the physio insisted I stay and strengthen my new leg. I feel refreshed and strong and ready to take on the world. You know how it is.’
Max was happy with the answer and Geraldine looked the picture of health.
‘Have you met Clive?’ Max didn’t wait for an answer. ‘How do you fancy a little trip down south?’
*****
Max didn’t want to disrupt Geraldine’s Green Vulture team at the hospital, so she’d been given a new team, formed from some of the reinforcements that Pamela Birdflu had sent. These spiders had completed their basic training but this was their first assignment. Geraldine was allowed to name them, with a few conditions imposed by Max. Given the fact that her team names had to begin with the colour green and that all his teams were named after birds of prey, the choices weren’t massive. She decided on Green Buzzard and quickly introduced herself to her team before leading them to the mission briefing, given by Clive who was in command.
Geraldine had heard of Clive and his team Blue Hawk. She understood that his filming techniques were only second to Max, and that he’d recorded some brilliant footage. What interested Geraldine more than anything else was the rumour that Clive and Vicky had been an item and that Vicky had, allegedly, broken Clive’s heart.
Geraldine and her Buzzards entered the makeshift Ops Room in the cellar. It was dark and dingy so Clive had commandeered a key ring with a small led torch and the light was shining on a mouse mat which would be used as a whiteboard.
The spiders were chatting amongst themselves prior to the start of the briefing and Clive looked up when he heard the new team.
‘Afternoon, Commander. I’m Geraldine and these…’ She waved a leg towards the team. ‘...are the Green Buzzards. We’re looking forward to working with you and your team.’
Clive was impressed. He’d heard that Geraldine could be a stroppy mare but found her instantly engaging. He’d also heard that she had a thing for Max but hoped that rumour was incorrect. He felt attracted to her and couldn’t understand how, when he was still pining for Vicky. Geraldine had long legs like Vicky, but where Vicky’s body was lithe and athletic, hers was curvier. He could see the humour in her eyes and her voice was like silk. She wasn’t classically beautiful, but definitely had something about her and Clive was enchanted.
‘Commander?’
Clive got a grip. ‘Very pleased to meet you, Geraldine and call me Clive. Take a seat and I’ll get this briefing underway.’ He made his way to the board. ‘I’ll take any questions at the end.’
Tasks had been assigned and Geraldine needed one of her team in the downstairs toilet, to film if required. They all understood the concept of the human waste disposal system, but none would appreciate the horrors of that particular room unless they experienced it first hand. Mike was swaggering in front of the others, telling jokes and showing off. He would do nicely.
‘I need a volunteer.’ Geraldine looked directly at Mike.
‘I’m in, Geraldine.’
Geraldine raised an eyebrow. ‘Boss will do thank you.’
‘Yes, Boss.’ Mike looked suitably chastised.
‘This is an important job, do you think you’re up to it?’
Mike couldn’t believe his luck. They’d all been told by the more experienced spiders never to volunteer, but she’d looked straight at him. She’d known him for less than a day and had already recognised his potential. He wanted to go far and hoped for accelerated promotion.
He nodded his head.
Geraldine briefed the rest of her team, allocated tasks, and positioned them accordingly.
Mike had opted not to wear a breathing mask and Geraldine had decided not to over-rule him and let him learn from his own experience.
*****
The starter finished, the guests were chatting amongst themselves, while the host Felicity, Helen’s niece, had gone to the kitchen to check that her help had everything under control.
Henrietta, Felicity’s friend was feeling very uncomfortable. Recently recovering from a cold, her sense of smell wasn’t what it normally was. Assuming there was only a little garlic in the starter she’d polished off the entire plate of delicious stuffed mushrooms. Too much garlic had a drastic effect on Henrietta’s digestive system and she was suffering. She looked across at Jonty and tried to attract his attention, but he was far too busy engaged in conversation with the know it all Camilla. Henrietta rose from the table.
‘Excuse me for a few minutes please.’
No response from Jonty. He was in trouble when they got home.
Geraldine quickly radioed Mike and told him someone was en route to his location. Mike nervously checked his equipment and turned his webcam onto standby.
Henrietta left the dining room and as she made her way to the toilet, she couldn’t help herself. It was as if a low toned trombone had gone off on its own accord. Henrietta trumped practically each step she took and was so relieved to make it to the toilet where she could relax. She was so glad that she’d closed the dining room door and that the others couldn’t hear her.
All conversation stopped in the dining room as the diners looked towards the door in astonishment. Embarrassed coughs and a few titters followed and Jonty tried to act as if he’d heard nothing. Helen and Archie were totally unfazed by the event and Archie commented.
‘Och, it’s a sad arse that canna rejoice.’
Felicity, trying to impress her well to do friends was mortified.
‘Uncle Archie, please.’
‘We all do it, lassie, it’s na good denying it.’
Felicity reddened and Archie shook his head. Their lovely niece used to be quite down to earth until she got in with this posh lot, some of whom were driving him nuts. He looked at the company, most of them were lovely but the others were chinless half-wits as far as he was concerned. Camilla was massively irritating and he knew that Helen’s patience wouldn’t last much longer.
Helen had told the company the story about their encounter with the brown bear. Of course, Camilla’s brother had had a similar experience but with a big grizzly bear who’d almost killed him. Then when Archie told them about the veteran he met who’d lost a leg, Camilla knew someone who’d lost two legs. Now she was talking about her mysterious illness; there was no name for it but she was unable to do a lot of physical exercise and couldn’t over-exert herself. When Archie told the company about how he became friends with Jake, Camilla wanted them all to know about a Native American tribe in Arizona who had shown her and Tarquin original dinosaur footprints. Archie had had enough.
‘I fell off a mountain.’ Archie picked up his glass and swirled around the rich burgundy.
Stunned silence from Camilla, and the rest of the company stopped their conversations and listened intently.
Archie took a sip of wine and continued.
‘The day after Jake rescued us from the bear, Helen wanted to rest so I went walking with Jake.’
All Helen could remember from this expedition was that Archie had told her he’d slipped in a stream. She recalled he was covered in a lot of bruises and she’d thought on the day that Archie had been unlucky to be so bruised from slipping in a stream.
Felicity was glad that the subject had moved on from the toilet. ‘Go on, Uncle Archie.’
‘Jake is my sort of age but a lot fitter. I managed to keep u
p with him but my legs were screaming with the effort.’
This was the first time Helen had heard Archie admit that another man was fitter than him, and she could imagine his male pride hurting as he tried to keep up with Jake. Archie being Archie, he wouldn’t rest easy bringing up the rear.
‘We came to a wee stream that we had to step over onto a ledge. There were large stones, soaking wet in the middle of the stream.’
Archie looked around and could see he had everyone’s attention.
‘Jake went first and the stones were pretty stable. We were talking and I lost concentration. My left foot slipped and the next thing I know I’m flying through the air.’
Helen was bloody furious. This had been about 18 months ago and it was the first she’d heard about it.
‘I landed with a thud and thought this is OK I’m not dead. Next thing I know, I’m flying through the air again. The second time I landed I couldn’t believe my luck. I didn’t realise I was on a slippery ledge though so, off I went again.’
The company held their breath. There was no way that Helen was going to show the stuck-up know it all Camilla that she wasn’t fully aware of this incident. She tried her best to keep her face neutral but, if Archie thought he’d suffered on that day, he knew nothing yet!
‘The third time I landed I kept my eyes closed. I thought a minute had passed but it was probably just a few seconds before I realised I was on terra firma. When I realised I wasn’t dead, I cautiously moved my right arm and it seemed to be working OK. I sat up very slowly and checked myself from feet to head. Although every part of me ached, I was able to move and I realised I was probably the luckiest man on Earth.’ Archie paused and took another drink.
‘I got slowly onto my knees and called for Jake. I saw him in the distance, running down the hill towards me. When he realised I was OK he started laughing his head off. He told me how lucky I was not to have broken anything after falling 60 feet, and pulled me to my feet. Every part of me was in agony so progress back to our camp was extremely slow.’
