Then I noticed his heaving shoulders. Silent sobs wracked his too-thin body. These were tears from an aching heart. I recognized them because I’d shed so many myself.
In an instant, my fiery rage receded, doused by a wave of pity so strong tears sprang into my eyes. Yes, I had suffered deeply from my loss. But watching Robbie, I knew his suffering went just as deep. Three lives had ended that terrible day—Hannah’s, mine, and Robbie’s. Was that not enough?
I left my chair and sat on the couch beside him. Were I Englisch, I would have laid a comforting hand on his heaving back. Instead, I sat quietly, lending the comfort of my presence while his sorrow played out. For a long while I doubted he knew I was there, but gradually the wrenching sobs slowed.
“Robbie.” He looked up, and the agony in his eyes twisted my heart. “You were wrong to deceive me, but you meant it kindly.”
His head shook violently. “Th-that doesn’t m-make it right.”
“No, it does not.” I drew a deep breath, my chest expanding to its full extent while I gathered strength to speak the words I’d never thought to say. “But I…I forgive you.”
They came out much easier than expected. In fact, as they left my body, I felt an unexpected lightness, as if a weight had begun to lift.
He still shook his head, so I spoke again, this time more freely. “I forgive you.”
Utter disbelief showed on his face. “But, Seth, I killed your wife. I lied to you. I hurt you. You can’t forgive me. I don’t deserve it.”
What answer could I give? What he said was true. A teaching from die Bibel came to mind.
“If a man receives only what he deserves, we are all doomed. Instead, we forgive each other, and God forgives us.” Looking into those tortured, red-rimmed eyes, I realized another truth that must be spoken. “The hardest part of all, I think, is that we must forgive ourselves, as God forgives.”
He gulped. “How can I ever make it up to you, Seth?”
“Do you think driving me to town will erase my grief?” The familiar anger threatened to flicker. With an effort, I tamped it down. Bishop Beiler’s wisdom returned to me. Forgiveness was not a wand to be waved. It was an act to be done day after day. Sometimes, like now, minute after minute. I said it again. “I forgive you. That is enough. You do not have to do penance anymore, Robbie. Forgive yourself and go on with your life.”
The impact of the words I’d just spoken struck me. Suddenly, I knew what the bishop meant. Forgiving Robbie was not the hardest task I had before me.
An urgency to leave overtook me. I needed to be alone, to think and to pray. I rose, and Robbie did as well. We stood awkwardly a moment, and then he did something very Englisch. He threw his arms around me.
“Thank you, Seth. I’m a lousy friend, but you’re a good guy.”
What could I do? Stand there frozen with my arms at my sides while this suffering boy expressed friendship? I returned his embrace.
“I would rather have a lousy friend than none at all.” I pulled back and laughed to cover my embarrassment at the physical display. “And to prove that I am still your friend, I will ask Lily Beachy to cook for you a schnitz pie, and I want you to eat every bite. You are too thin.”
We left the house to find Michael and Amanda sitting on the front porch, watching Orion munch happily on their lush green lawn.
Michael waved aside my apology. “Don’t worry about it. Who cares about a little grass?”
Amanda studied her son’s face, her expression anxious. She offered me a tentative smile. When I returned it, tension wilted from her posture.
Though they urged me to stay for dinner, I made my excuses and climbed into my buggy. As I pulled out of their driveway, I looked back. The three of them stood clustered together, heads bowed, arms around each other.
I had much to consider during the ride home. Seeing Robbie’s agonized guilt brought my own into sharp focus. Forgiving him had taken an effort, but once done, I had proved the bishop’s wisdom true. A peace I had not felt in more than a year had descended on me. Perhaps I would again fight anger in the coming days, but Gott truly had given me the ability to do what I had not thought possible.
But that peace was not enough. Guilt still ate at me. So many regrets plagued me. My sins of inaction that resulted in Rachel’s death. My indulgence of Hannah in buying Lars, and my reactions to the horse’s skittishness that resulted in her death. How could I forgive myself for those? But now that I had tasted the peace that comes from forgiving, I hungered for more. As the bishop said, it would take many times of saying the words, and many hours of prayer.
I set about the task that very moment.
I did not visit my family but instead returned home to the Beachys’. Though the time was not yet three o’clock, Leah’s car sat in the driveway. I unhitched Orion and brushed him down after his exertion, keeping a close eye on the door in hopes that she would come outside and tell me about her trip. When my horse had been safely returned to his pasture, I went inside.
The aroma of roasting chicken set my stomach to rumbling. Breakfast had been a long time past, and I hadn’t stopped for lunch.
Lily turned from the stove, her expression happy. “You are home in time for dinner!”
Seated at the kitchen table with the Bible open before him, Elias awarded me a grin. “I knew you could not resist my Lily’s dumplings.”
At the counter mixing dough in a large earthenware bowl, Leah glanced up at me. “Good call, Seth. You’ll love them.”
A smile flashed onto her face, strained and tight, before she returned to her work. I looked at Elias, my eyebrows arched. He gave a quick shrug and a slight shake of his head. Though I knew he was relieved to have Leah safely back, the worried lines had not left his brow. Had things not gone well in Youngstown?
Lily seemed determined to force a cheerful atmosphere. “How is your family? And what news of the precious boppli?”
I pulled out a chair and sat. “I didn’t visit my family as I intended. Instead, I had a matter to discuss with Bishop Beiler.”
Though interest appeared on my teacher’s face, he didn’t say anything. Nor did Lily, though she looked as if the effort of biting back a dozen questions was almost more than she could handle. Leah did not even turn from her bowl but maintained her stiff posture.
“I was going to visit the boppli at the hospital,” I told Lily, “but instead I stopped in Eden to see Robbie Barker.”
At that, Leah jerked around and fixed wide eyes on me.
I hadn’t discussed Robbie’s revelation with Elias, so he merely nodded and asked, “We have not seen much of the boy since you bought your buggy. How is he?”
“He is…” How to answer truthfully? Especially with Leah’s openly curious stare fixed on me. “…not gut.”
“That is sad.” Lily opened the oven door and peered inside. “Is he sick?”
An image of the hollow-faced young man loomed in my mind. “Ya, he has been sick. But I think my visit cheered him.”
“Das gut.” She pulled a tray of chicken from the oven and set it on top of the stove. “Leah, fetch for me a fork, please.”
Leah did, though she kept a hard stare fixed on me. Mumbling something about her car, she hurried from the kitchen. We heard the front door slam a second later. Lily and Elias looked after her, their expressions stunned.
“What happened in Youngstown?” I asked.
Elias shook his head. “She has not said.”
“Go after her, Seth,” Lily said. “You are her friend. Maybe she will talk to you.”
From the hard glare she had given me before she left the room, I doubted it. But I rose from the table and followed her outside.
I found her standing at the fence, rubbing Orion’s neck. She didn’t turn, though I was sure she heard me approach.
“You forgave him.” Her voice was flat. “You talked to your bishop, who told you to forgive him, and then you went and did it.”
“Ya. I did.”
She
jerked her head toward me, her glare piercing. “He lied to you and pretended to be your friend.” Her voice came out in a hiss. “He killed your wife.”
I winced at the sharpness of the words. “That is true. And the guilt has eaten him like a cancer from the inside.”
“Good!” At her shout, Orion started and then retreated to the center of the pasture. “He ought to feel guilty. And you have every right to be furious with him.”
“Ya, I do have the right,” I said softly. “But to what end? His mother said he has talked of taking his own life. Would another tragedy make the first one easier to bear?”
She bit her lip, her brow wrinkled. I knew she had been fond of Robbie, no matter how angry with him she was on my behalf.
“I would hate to see that,” she admitted. “But he still ought to pay for what he’s done.”
“He has paid.” My firm tone did not appear to convince her. “By forgiving, I have not only freed him but freed something in myself.”
Now she sneered. “How very Amish of you.”
She climbed up on the bottom rung of the fence and hung her arms over the top. Probably sensing her mood, Orion kept his distance, his stance cautious as he watched her.
I decided to ignore the comment she obviously intended as an insult and turned the conversation. “How did your meeting go?”
“Fine.” She clipped the word short.
“Hmm.” I rested one arm across the top fence plank, my body turned toward her. “You do not act as though it was fine.”
“He’s not getting out on parole, and that’s what I wanted.”
There was more to the story. I knew that from her rigid posture and the nervous tapping of one toe against the fence plank.
“So your testimony convinced them?”
She gave a bitter laugh. “Actually, no. Turns out they were going to deny his parole anyway, so it was a wasted trip.”
“Then why are you unhappy?”
For a long moment I thought she might not answer. Then she drew a shuddering breath. “Because of the reason he’s being kept in prison. Turns out Moriah and I weren’t the first girls he attacked. After the trial where I testified, others read about it in the newspaper and came forward. He’s been convicted of two more counts of sexual assault.” She turned her head toward me. “I was trying to keep him in prison so nobody else would suffer, but they already had.”
I didn’t understand. “But you stopped him from harming others. If you hadn’t testified against him, he would have been free to continue his attacks.”
She turned fully toward me then. “Don’t you understand? Those two girls were Englisch. How many Amish girls has he assaulted and got away with it because they said nothing?” Her chest heaved, and her face flushed red. “They acted like Moriah, like good Amish girls, and forgave him. And now they’re living with the memories, tortured with flashbacks, and—”
She flung herself away from the fence and ran toward the shed, where she rested her arms against the side and buried her face in them. The posture was so like Robbie’s earlier that I ached for the agony she must feel.
I wanted to point out that she did not know if her suspicions were true. She did not know if the man had committed any other attacks, and therefore she was torturing herself with something that might not have happened. But how could I reason against a fear that could never be proved? I could only speak of what I knew to be true.
I went to her side. “You are wrong, you know.”
Her head jerked up. “About what?”
“If he did attack other Amish girls, and if they have truly forgiven him, then they are not tortured. Gott promises peace to those who follow Him.”
“Oh, please!” She glared at me. “Don’t you dare preach the Bible to me, Seth Hostetler. You don’t know anything about me or what I’m going through.”
“No, but I know what I have gone through.” I held her gaze, brittle as it was. “I have forgiven, and I have felt God’s peace.”
“You know what?” She jerked away from the shed and drew near to me, fury in the face that hovered inches from mine. “You make me sick. You’re as bad as Robbie. You wormed your way into my family, the only people who love me and accept me. You pretended to understand, to be my friend. But it was all a lie. You’re here to ruin my life by spouting your Amish garbage at me.”
If I’d thought before that my temper had been tamed, I was wrong. My pulse pounded, fury roaring in my ears at her unjust accusations.
“Are you so self-centered to think that I work for Elias because of you?” I snapped back.
“It doesn’t matter why you came. You’re here, aren’t you?” She waved violently toward the house.
By panting deep gulps of air, I managed to control my tone. “I am your friend, Leah, no matter what you think. But if I am ruining your life, I will not stay.”
Before she could answer, I spun on my heel and stomped toward the road. Would she follow me? I half expected it, but she did not. I prayed as I walked, a constant stream of pleas to Gott for a return of the brief peace I’d received earlier.
Peace did return, and along with it, a decision. The emotions between Leah and me ran too high. They were improper and not pleasing to Gott. The best thing I could do was make good on my words to her. I would leave Elias’s house and his shop, and return home to my family’s farm.
TWENTY-FOUR
My family welcomed me back, as I knew they would. Though there were many unasked questions around the dinner table that night, the children’s enthusiasm at Onkel Seth’s return more than made up for the worried glances from Mamm and the others.
“Will you take over the milking again?” Mark asked.
I glanced at Aaron, who shrugged. “I might,” I told the boy.
“I will pet Caroline’s nose for you,” Luke promised.
“That will be a big help.”
My farewell to Elias weighed heavily on my heart. He had accepted my explanation that I had mistaken my desire to make pottery my life’s work without question, though his sad expression told me he suspected that was not the true reason. Lily had cried openly and begged me to visit often. I did not commit. Leah, who had left the house while I walked off my anger, would not appreciate my presence at her family’s table. What her grandparents guessed about her role in my abrupt departure remained unspoken.
After dinner, I left the house under the pretext of checking on my horse. Aaron followed me out and fell into step beside me, the puppy Laura had given us following at our heels.
He wasted no time in coming to the point. “I cannot help but wonder at your decision. Farming has never appealed to you.”
I scanned the tobacco field, neat rows of green plants lining the rich soil. “It’s not a bad life.”
“Hmm.”
“I thought of asking if I could build another house beside the daadi haus. A small one. It would not take much land.”
He clasped his hands behind his back. “You’re welcome in the main house. I have told you that. When Becky and Noah leave, we will have more than enough room.”
I had no heart for listing the reasons. He would only say I was not underfoot, though I felt differently.
“But if you really want to build a house, Seth, of course you may. Or perhaps you could build a workshop instead.”
“A workshop?”
“To make pottery.” He looked at me. “You have a gift for the work. Would Gott not want you to use such a gift?”
It was an idea worth considering. If I could work the clay, perhaps I would find contentment here, living with my family. I nodded slowly. “I’ll pray about it. But tell me, how is baby Rachel?”
He brightened. “Gut. She gains weight every day. The doctor thinks we can bring her home next week.”
And I would be there to welcome her. The thought lifted my spirits.
When we returned to the house, Mammi waited outside. “I would speak with you alone,” she told me.
Aaron went in as I eyed
her uneasily. The events of the day had left me confused and tired. I didn’t relish discussing them with anyone.
She peered up at me. “Something has changed. You are different.”
Surprised, I laughed. “I am the same Seth as before, Mammi. Your kinskind.”
But she shook her head. “There is a light in your eye that I have not seen in years. And also a sadness.” She narrowed her eyes. “A new one.”
Ever the perceptive one, my grossmammi. I saw I would not escape this conversation without some sort of explanation. “So much has happened, and I am too tired to tell it all tonight. But I found the boy responsible for the accident that killed Hannah, and I have forgiven him.”
The corners of her lips turned upward. “That explains the light.” Then she sobered. “And what of the sadness?”
“The decision to leave my work and my teacher was not an easy one.” Though certainly true, I didn’t feel inclined to offer any further explanation. She waited, clearly expecting me to continue. Instead, I changed the subject. “And what of you? How is the exercise for your heart?”
She allowed herself to be distracted. “Bah! I walk miles and miles, and when I complain about my bad hip, I get no sympathy. The doctor gave me weights to lift, and Joan stands over me, counting to make sure I do exactly the right number. Worse, Saloma and Becky conspire against me in the kitchen.” Her features fell. “No more fried chicken or pork chops. Instead, they bake everything. And only a dollop of gravy for my biscuit.”
I smiled. “They take good care of you, then.”
“Just you wait.” She scowled. “They force the whole family to eat this new healthy diet. You’ll be sorry you’ve come home when you see how they ration the bacon in the mornings.”
I patted my belly. “It will be good for me. I’ve enjoyed much rich cooking lately.”
We entered the house together, and I looked forward to a pleasant family evening.
The Amish Widower Page 29
