“He quit? That’s impossible. Finn would never quit.” Not when he knew how much I needed him.
And he had to know. That’s why he stood up for me with Elora. He knew that I would be lost without him, and he couldn’t do that to me. It would go against everything he believed in.
“It’s a shame,” Elora continued as if my refusal to believe didn’t merit a response. “I blame myself because the signs were so obvious. And I blame Finn because he knows better than to get involved, better than anyone. But I commend him for realizing what the right thing was for you. He is leaving to protect you.”
“There’s nothing I need protection from!” I got to my feet. “He has no reason to leave because nothing’s going on. I’m not involved with anyone.”
“I would find that much more believable if you hadn’t raced down here with tears in your eyes to plead for his job,” Elora replied coolly. “Or if he had promised me he could keep things purely business from here on, I would’ve kept him.” She looked down at the chaise, pulling at a loose thread in the fabric. “But he couldn’t even do that. He didn’t even try to convince me.”
I wanted to argue with her, but I began to realize exactly what she was saying. Finn cared about me, and he’d admitted it to Elora, knowing how she would react. He cared about me so much he had been unable to continue doing his job. He couldn’t keep things separate anymore, and he was upstairs packing right now.
I would’ve liked to yell at Elora more, blame her for everything horrible in my life and tell her that I was giving up the crown, but I didn’t have time to waste. I had to catch him before he left, because I had no idea where he would go.
By the time I made it to his room, my breath was ragged. My hands were trembling, and that familiar butterfly feeling Finn gave me had spread throughout my body. I was in love with him, and I wasn’t going to give him up. Not for anything in this world or the next.
When I opened his bedroom door, he was standing over his bed, folding clothes and putting them in a suitcase. He looked back at me, surprised by my appearance, then the expression in his dark eyes changed to something unreadable.
Dark stubble covered his cheeks, and there was something so ruggedly handsome about him, he was almost unbearable to look at. The top few buttons of his dress shirt were undone, revealing a hint of chest that I found strangely provocative.
“Are you all right?” Finn stopped what he was doing and took a step toward me.
“Yeah.” I nodded, swallowing hard. “I’m going with you.”
“Wendy . . .” His expression softened, and he shook his head. “You can’t go with me. You need to be here.”
“No, I don’t care about here!” I insisted. “I don’t want to be a stupid Princess, and they don’t need me. I’m terrible at everything. My leaving is the best thing for everyone.”
“They do need you. You have no idea how badly they need you.” Finn turned away from me. “Without you, it will completely fall apart.”
“That doesn’t make any sense! I’m just one stupid girl who can’t even figure out which fork to eat with! I have no abilities. I’m awkward and silly and inappropriate, and that Kroner kid is much better suited for this. I don’t need to be here, and I’m not going to stay if you’re not here!”
“There is much you have yet to learn,” Finn said tiredly, almost to himself. He had started folding his clothes again, so I walked over to him and grabbed his arm.
“I want to be with you, and . . . I think you want to be with me.” I felt sick to my stomach saying it aloud. I expected him to laugh at me or tell me that I was insane, but instead, he slowly looked at me.
In a rare moment of vulnerability, his dark eyes betrayed everything they had been trying to hide from me: affection and warmth, and something even deeper than that. His arm felt strong under my hand, and my heart pounded in my chest. Gently he placed his hand on my cheek, letting his fingers press warmly on my skin, and I stared hopefully at him.
“I am not worth it, Wendy,” Finn whispered hoarsely. “You are going to be so much more than this, and I cannot hold you back. I refuse to.”
“But Finn, I—” I wanted to tell him more, but he pulled away.
“You have to go.” He turned his back to me completely, busying himself with packing so he wouldn’t have to look at me.
“Why?” I demanded, tears stinging my eyes.
“Because.” Finn picked up some of his books off a shelf, and I followed right behind him, unwilling to relent in my pursuit.
“That’s not a reason!”
“I’ve already explained it to you.”
“No, you haven’t. You’ve just made vague comments about the future.”
“I don’t want you!” Finn snapped.
I felt like I had been slapped. For a moment I stood in stunned silence, just listening to the sound of my heartbeat echo in my ears.
“You’re lying.” A tear slipped down my cheek. “You promised you would never lie to me.”
“Wendy, I need you to leave!” he growled.
He breathed heavily, with his back to me, but he had stopped moving around. He leaned against the bookshelf, his shoulders hunched forward.
This was my last chance to convince him, and I knew it. I touched his back, and he tried to pull away from me, but I wouldn’t move my hand. He whirled on me, grabbing my wrist. He pushed me until my back was against the wall, pinning me there.
His body pressed tightly against mine, the strong contours of his body against the soft curves of mine, and I could feel his heart hammering against my chest. He still gripped my wrist, restraining one of my hands against the wall.
I wasn’t sure what he intended to do, but he looked down at me, his dark eyes smoldering. Then suddenly I felt his lips press roughly against mine.
He kissed me desperately, like he couldn’t breathe without me. His stubble scraped against my cheeks, my lips, my neck, everywhere he dared press his mouth against me. He let go of my wrist, allowing me to wrap my arms around him and pull him even closer.
Seconds ago I had been crying, and I could taste the salt from my tears on his lips. Tangling my fingers in his hair, I pulled his mouth more eagerly against mine. My heart beat so fast it hurt, and an intense heat spread through me.
Somehow he managed to pull his mouth from mine. His hands gripped my shoulders, holding me to the wall, and he took a step back. Breathing hard, he looked at the floor instead of at me.
“This is why I have to go, Wendy. I can’t do this to you.”
“To me? You’re not doing anything to me.” I tried to reach out for him, but he held me back. “Just let me go with you.”
“Wendy . . .” He lifted his hand back to my cheek, using his thumb to brush away a fresh tear, and looked at me intently. “You trust me, don’t you?”
I nodded hesitantly.
“Then you have to trust me on this. You need to stay here, and I need to go. Okay?”
“Finn!”
“I’m sorry.” Finn let go of me and grabbed his half-packed suitcase off his bed. “I stayed too long.” He started walking to the door, and I ran after him. “Wendy! Enough!”
“But you can’t just leave . . .” I pleaded.
He hesitated at the doorway and shook his head. Then he opened the door and left.
I could’ve followed him, but I didn’t have any more arguments. His kiss had left me feeling dazed and disarmed, and I wondered dimly if that had been his plan all along. He knew his kiss would leave me too weak to chase after him and too confused to argue with him.
After he had gone, I sat down on the bed, which still smelled like him, and started to sob.
TWENTY-ONE
the ball
I’m not sure I had slept at all when Willa burst into my room the next day to wake me for the ball. My eyes were red and swollen, but she made very little comment about it. She just started in on getting me ready and talking excitedly about how much fun it was all going to be. I didn’t believe her, but she didn�
�t seem to notice.
Almost everything I did required verbal and physical prompts. She even had to remind me to rinse the shampoo from my hair, and I was just lucky that modesty had never been her strong suit.
It was impossible to combine fresh heartbreak with the fervor of a ball. Willa kept trying to get me excited or at least nervous about the whole thing, but her efforts were completely futile. The only way I managed to function was by being completely numb.
I couldn’t understand how this had happened. When I first met Finn, he had seemed creepy, and then he was just irritating. Repeatedly I had rejected him and told him that I didn’t need him or want to be around him.
How had it turned into this? I had lived my whole stupid life without him, and now I could barely make it through an hour.
I sat on a stool, wrapped in my robe, while Willa did something to my hair. She had offered to style it in front of a mirror so I could see her progress, but I didn’t care. Holding a bottle of spray in her hand, she stopped what she was doing and just looked at me.
“Wendy.” Willa sighed. “I know Finn’s gone, and you’re obviously taking it pretty hard. But he’s just a stork, and you are a Princess.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I mumbled.
I had considered defending him for a moment, but I was kind of pissed that he had left without me. There was no way that I could’ve left him after that kiss. As it was, it had been torture to stay behind. I just lowered my eyes and tried to close the subject.
“Fine.” Willa rolled her eyes and went back to spraying my hair. “But you’re still a Princess, and this is your night.” I didn’t say anything as she yanked and teased. “You’re still young. You don’t understand how many fish there really are in the sea, especially your sea. The most eligible, attractive men are gonna be all over you, and you’re not even gonna remember that stupid stork who brought you here.”
“I don’t like fishing,” I muttered dryly, but she ignored me.
“You know who is a catch? Tove Kroner.” Willa made a pleased sound. “I wish my dad would set me up with him.” She sighed wistfully and jerked on a lock of my hair.
“He’s really foxy, really rich,” Willa went on, as if I had asked her to tell me more. “He’s like the highest Markis in the world, which is so weird. The Marksinna are usually the ones with all the abilities. Guys can do some things, but they pale in comparison to what women can do, yet Tove has more ability than anybody else. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could read minds.”
“I thought nobody could do that,” I said, amazed that I was even following her. A few weeks ago, nothing she said would have made sense.
“No. Only very, very few can. So few it’s almost the stuff of legends these days.” She gently fluffed my hair. “But Tove is the stuff of legends, so that makes sense. And if you play your cards right, you’ll be pretty damn legendary yourself.” She whipped me around so I was facing her and smiled at her handiwork. “Now we just need to get you into your gown.”
Somehow, while getting me ready, Willa had managed to ready herself. She had on a floor-length light blue gown that swept out at her hips, and she looked so beautiful, I had no hope of topping her.
After she had finally gotten me into my own dress, she forced me in front of the mirror, insisting that I looked too amazing to not see myself.
“Oh, wow.” Saying that to my reflection felt egotistical, but I couldn’t help it. I had never looked better in my life, and I doubted that I would ever look this good again.
The gown was a shimmery silver and white that flowed around me. It was strapless in an elegant way, and the diamond necklace Willa had chosen set it off. My dark curls fell perfectly behind me, and subtle diamond clips sparkled in my hair.
“You’re gonna rock it tonight, Princess,” Willa promised with a sly smile.
That was the last calm moment of the night. As soon as we stepped out of my bedroom, we were swept off by aides and staff that I didn’t even know Elora had. They gave me a rundown of the times when everything was set to happen and where I had to be and who I had to meet and what I had to do.
It was already more than I could comprehend, and at least momentarily I was spared the dull heartache I got from thinking of Finn. I looked helplessly at Willa, knowing that I would have to try to make this up to her later on. Without her, it would’ve been completely impossible for me to make it through.
First, there was some kind of meet-and-greet in the ballroom. Elora stood on one side of me, and thankfully, Willa stayed on my other side, taking on the role of some kind of assistant. The three of us stood at one end of the ballroom, flanked by security. A long line of people waited to meet me.
Willa filled in the names and titles as they approached. Most of them were famous in the Trylle world, but Elora explained that anybody could come meet me today, so the line was absolutely endless. My face hurt from smiling, and there were only so many different ways I could say, “Pleased to meet you” and “Thank you.”
After that, we went to the dining hall for a more exclusive function. The table only seated a hundred (that’s right—only a hundred), and with Willa sitting five places down from me, I felt lost.
Whenever I felt insecure, I instinctively searched for Finn, only to remember that he wasn’t there. I tried to concentrate on eating my food properly, which wasn’t that easy considering how nauseous I felt and how badly my jaw hurt from the forced smiles.
My mother sat to my right at the head of the table, and Tove Kroner sat next to me on my left. Throughout the dinner, he hardly said a thing, and Elora went about making polite conversation with the current Chancellor.
The Chancellor didn’t seem to remember me from the other day when I’d come in drenched from the rain, and I was glad for it. The way he looked at me creeped me out, and I found it impossible to smile at him out of fear I might vomit.
“Drink more wine,” Tove suggested quietly. Holding a wineglass in his hand, he leaned in a bit toward me to be heard over the din. His mossy eyes rested on mine briefly before he averted them, staring instead at an empty space across from us. “It relaxes the muscles.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“From smiling.” He gestured to his own mouth and forced a smile before quickly dropping it. “It’s starting to hurt, right?”
“Yeah.” I smiled lightly at him, feeling the soreness at the corners of my mouth.
“The wine helps. Trust me.” Tove took a long drink from his wine, much longer than was polite, and I saw Elora eyeing him as she chatted with the Chancellor.
“Thanks.” I took his suggestion, but I drank much more slowly than he did, afraid of inciting the wrath of Elora. I didn’t think she’d do anything publicly, but I knew she wouldn’t let me get away with anything either.
As the dinner wore on, Tove grew restless. He leaned back in his seat, laying his hand on the table. His wineglass would slowly slide over to his hand, then it would slowly slide away, without him ever touching it. I’d seen him perform a similar trick with his bowl of soup last week, yet I couldn’t help but stare.
“You pretty on edge tonight?” Tove asked, glancing at me. I wasn’t sure if he caught me watching his trick or not, but I looked down at my plate anyway.
I nodded. “Mmm, a little.”
“Yeah, I can tell.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table, and I imagined Elora was livid.
“I’m trying to stay calm.” I stabbed absently at some kind of vegetable I had no intention of eating. “I think I’ve been handling this very well, considering everything.”
“No, you’re acting fine. I can sense it.” He tapped the side of his head. “I can’t explain it, but . . . I know how tense you are.” He chewed his lip. “You project your emotions so forcefully. Your persuasion is immensely powerful.”
“Maybe,” I allowed. His gaze was unnerving, and I didn’t want to disagree with him.
“Here’s a tip: use it tonight.” Tove was
barely audible over the chatter. “You’re trying to please so many people and it’s exhausting. You can’t be everything to everyone, so I try not to be anything to anyone. My mother hates me for it, but . . .” He shrugged. “Just use it a little bit, and you’ll charm everyone. Without really trying.”
“It takes effort to use persuasion,” I whispered. I could feel Elora listening to us, and I didn’t think she’d approve of what we were saying. “It would be just as exhausting.”
“Hmm,” Tove mused, then leaned back in his seat.
“Tove, the Chancellor was just telling me that you had discussed working for him this spring,” Elora interjected brightly. I barely glanced up at her, but in that second she managed to glower at me before returning to her overly cheery expression.
“My mother discussed it,” Tove corrected her. “I’ve never said a word to the Chancellor, and I have no interest in the position.”
I was increasingly becoming a fan of Tove, even if he weirded me out and I didn’t understand what he meant most of the time. He just said whatever he wanted without fear of repercussion, and I admired it.
“I see.” Elora raised an eyebrow, and the Chancellor started saying something about the wine they were drinking.
Tove managed to look bored and irritated the rest of the dinner, chewing his nails and looking at everything except me. There was something very strange and unstable about him. He belonged in this world even less than I did, but I imagined that there really wasn’t any place that he’d fit in.
Soon we moved on to the ballroom for dancing. The ballroom looked positively magical when it was all done up, and I couldn’t help but think of the brief dance I had shared with Finn a couple days before. That, of course, reminded me of the passionate kiss we had shared last night, making me feel weak and sick. I couldn’t even force a smile when I thought of Finn.
Making matters worse, it soon became clear that dancing was by far the worst experience of the evening. The receiving line had been rough, but now I was being forced to make conversation with one weird man after another while they put their hands on me.
Switched Page 20
