His nose brushed against hers. “But you do have them? Feelings?”
She felt as if she could not breathe. “I cannot… You deserve someone better.”
“There is no one,” he said as he touched his lips to hers. “There is only you,” he whispered. She held her breath as he kissed her, trying to remain still and unfeeling. She shivered once, from her head to her toes, before she surrendered, pressing herself to his body. So in the end, she could not help melting in his arms and pressing her lips to his. They kissed over and over again, his hands moving from her waist to her cheeks, tracing designs on her skin. Finally, caressing her lips with his own, he took her top lip into his mouth. She let out a low moan, and at the sound of it, surprising even herself, she pushed herself out of his arms.
She was completely out of breath, her eyes full of regret. “I cannot accept you. And this… this is not proper.”
There was no anger now, only an ache in his throat that spread through his chest. She saw herself so differently than he did, that she could believe herself unworthy of him or the title of countess, actually broke his heart. Yet his lips still tingled. “There is nothing I can say to change your mind? No compliment I could give, however true in my opinion, will convince you of your beauty to me or how much I esteem you? I do not know what else to say to express what you mean to me.”
She bit her lip and shook her head. She was trembling and wrapped her arms around herself. “You are very kind, Lord Benjamin. And well-meaning, too. I do not doubt that at the present time you believe yourself to have feelings for me. But you deserve someone worthy of the title countess someday. And that is not me. It will never be me. You must see this, and if you cannot see it because you are too kind, you must accept it as truth.”
Just then, Green arrived with his overcoat. There was nothing left to say, nothing that could be said without privacy, and he doubted they would be alone again. His heart heavy in his chest, he took his leave of her. Just as he turned to go, with Green opening the door for him, he added with anguish, his brow drawn, “You will never convince me that you are unworthy of the title of countess.”
As soon as he left the room, Catherine allowed her tears to fall. She did esteem him. She did want him to court her. She could imagine talking to him about all sorts of things. She could never have kissed him as she had if she did not feel that in her heart. She touched a hand to her lips. But that was not to be.
“You are a complete ninny!”
Jane came through the doorway where she had been hiding to hear the very last part of the conversation between Ben and Cat. She threw the needlepoint she held in her hands to the ground and stomped over to her sister. “How dare you speak of yourself that way?” she accused loudly. Cat could not claim that she had ever seen Jane so upset, except when they lost their mother, and even then she had not been angry. “Is that how God would speak of you? Do you think you are less to Him?” Jane’s voice trembled with emotion.
“That’s different.” Catherine shook her head. “I believe He has a plan for me, and I don’t think Benjamin… I don’t think Lord Benjamin is part of that plan.”
“Because of the fire?” Jane cried, wiping angry tears from her face in annoyance. “Fiddlesticks! I know I was very young, but John told me—”
“John, the farmer’s son down the lane?”
Jane gave her a defiant look as if daring her sister to question such a friendship. When Cat said nothing else, she went on, still quite angry. “Yes, he’s my friend.” She paused and then took a deep breath, trying to calm down. She had promised herself never to reveal this information as not to hurt her family further, but now she knew that her sister needed to hear it. “He told me that on the night of the fire he saw someone on our property. He was very young at the time and not knowing what he was seeing, he did not realize until later, and so he didn’t speak up about it. When he told me, I didn’t know what to do. I thought bringing it up would bring back awful memories for everyone.” Her hands were fisted at her sides in frustration. If only Cat could see herself as Jane did! “But my point is…” she huffed out a breath. “God didn’t send a lightning bolt down from heaven to set our house on fire, and it wasn’t an accident. Someone evil did it. Will you allow that evil to dictate your life and future?”
Tears continued to fall down Cat’s cheeks. She didn’t understand why she was so sad to see Benjamin go this time, mostly because to admit that she had feelings for him would only hurt her more in the end. “Jane.”
“Do you care for him? Could you see yourself caring for him?” Earnest tears began to fall down Jane’s face. “You could be happy! You could be loved!”
“Of course I care for him!” Catherine blurted before she could think about what she was saying.
“And what if I had the scars, Cat?” Jane asked quickly, not giving Cat the time to truly consider her question, taking her sister’s hand in her own. “Would you tell me that I could never hope to have a man love me?”
“He doesn’t love me,” Cat replied softly, avoiding the question. “He never said that.”
“He might have if you accepted him. How could he when you told him there was no way for you to be together?” Jane retorted, wrapping her arms around her older sister, squeezing her tightly. “I love you, but I think, in this case, you couldn’t be more wrong, which wouldn’t be so bad except you are only hurting yourself. You were the one who told me scars could not continue to hurt us.”
Cat could not reply. She could only shake in her younger sister’s arms. What had she done?
* * *
9
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“Love changes everything.”
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CHAPTER NINE
Finding a Wife
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“If you’re asking my opinion…”
Benjamin had just come down the staircase after a blistering lecture from both of his parents on the reasons that he ought to marry. Didn’t he understand that his father was ill? Didn’t he understand that he would be earl soon and with that came certain responsibilities? Didn’t he want to share such duties with a countess?
He had borne this lecture admirably well, considering he was still smarting from his last rejection from Catherine. He had not told anyone that he had asked for her hand again. Part of that was his own pride, that he had asked not once but twice and that she had denied him both times. The other part was sheer stubbornness. It was that stubbornness and silence on that matter that had forced his parents’ hand. There was going to be a ball, they’d told him, with many eligible women. He would pick one and be done with it.
It was this attitude of marriage that Benjamin abhorred. He knew his parents had grown to love one another quickly after they married, but he could not imagine entering the institution of marriage with someone he did not love. And if he was honest with himself, which was very difficult to do in light of recent events, when he thought of who he would like to make his vows before God with, there was only one woman he imagined standing beside him.
Catherine had told him he would find someone else, that he would get over any feelings he had for her. Though in his heart, he knew her to be wrong, perhaps the ball would throw him into the path of a woman he liked who felt the same way. The problem was, he didn’t want to simply like his wife.
Benjamin let out an audible breath and tilted his head backward. “I have just listened to Mama and Papa for over an hour. There is nothing in the world that could cause me to ask you your opinion, Julia.”
“Why would you?” she snapped disagreeably. “Why would anyone care what I think? No one does. And maybe if they did, everyone wouldn’t be so unhappy.”
“That isn’t true,” he disagreed. “We do listen to you. And your opinion does matter. It is only just now I have been tasked with finding a wife and I cannot… I do not want…” He paused and coughed. “And besi
des, we should be focusing on Papa. He isn’t doing well. The doctor is here nearly every day. He has not been down to breakfast the whole of this week.”
“I can’t focus on that,” Julia conceded, thinking of her father. She rarely let her softer side show, but Ben was one of the few people she allowed past her wall of icy stubbornness.
In her fashionable and expensive white dress, she could be the envy of every woman in England. Unlike Catherine’s family, she had her very own lady’s maid, Smith, who dressed her and did her hair every day. She wore her dress and hair like a mask. She could not think of what it would be like when her father died. He had loved her as no man ever would, always bringing her some trinket from his travels, always making her feel special.
It had not been until the first governess began to teach her that she had learned that despite being twins, Julia and Ben were not equals, that Julia would not carry the title or be able to stay in the house. Her tantrum had quickly terrified that governess into leaving, but Julia was only so angry because her father, the most important man in her life, had never made her feel less than Ben. But the truth of the matter had changed everything for her.
“If I think of what is to happen to him, I’ll start to cry, and I hate crying. It makes my face all red and swollen, and as you know, I am very vain. So, I have to think about something else, like his mandate for you to marry. Shall I tell you what kind of wife you should look for?”
Benjamin laughed in a strangled way. “Julia.” Though both of his parents insisted he marry for his benefit, because his job of earl would be easier for it, they had given him no specific qualifications to look for. He supposed the women they’d invited to the ball passed muster enough. His sister, on the other hand, was known to be tough. He could not bear to hear her thoughts, because what if Catherine fell short of them? Even though Julia did not know of his attachment to Catherine, her words would still be painful.
“Humor me,” she insisted as she touched a hand to her dark hair to make sure it was perfectly in place. She then looked at him directly, arching an eyebrow, as this was her signature gesture when she wanted to make a point. “You get to marry for love. This is a privilege. In contrast, I have to find someone who is hopefully attracted to my large dowry, who also happens to be a peer.”
He took her hand. He hated that she felt that way and hated even more that she was right. “You know that if Papa… when he…”
She completed the sentence for him. Julia never shied away from doing difficult things, even if they hurt. She had learned as a young girl that it was sometimes necessary. So, she said the hard thing Ben would not. “When you are the Earl of Wembley, after Papa dies.”
“Yes.” He squeezed her hand tightly. They were as close as a brother and sister could be. Of course they teased one another, but there was also a deep affection and respect between them. Her happiness was very important to him. “You’ll always have a place here. Even when I marry.”
Julia did not want to be the unmarried sister living in her brother’s house, no matter how grand of an estate it was.
She was beautiful, yes. But she was also picky. She was also well aware that her icy demeanor did not endear her to many. For as many men approached her, just as many were put off by her barbs. They could not keep up and were no match for her. “You know Mama is pushing for me to make a match soon as well. In some ways, we’re both in the same predicament. So, shall I tell you what kind of woman you should look for, especially since Mama has decided to throw a ball so that you can pick one? People are coming from all over the place. You would think Pritchford was London. You are in high demand, it seems. Mothers will be throwing their daughters at you. I think it would behoove you to know what to look for.”
Benjamin could not bear to admit that he had already found everything he desired in a wife. So he made a joke instead, as was customary. “Only if you let me give my opinion on what you should be looking for in a husband,” he replied with a grin, knowing she would never allow such a thing.
Julia rolled her eyes, but he could not deter her, since hardly anyone ever could. “You should marry someone who is kind and has a great capacity for gentleness to help smooth out some of your rough edges, brother. Someone you can talk to, really talk to, when your duties weigh heavily on you, since it is impossible not to notice how heavily they have always weighed on you. And most importantly, someone who is brave.”
The entire time she spoke, Benjamin couldn’t help but think of Catherine. He had been afraid to hear his sister’s thoughts, but now his heart was aching because she was describing everything that he loved about Catherine—the woman who would not have him. His ears perked up at her last point. “Brave?”
“Yes, brave in how she approaches the world because, frankly, you like to take the easy way out sometimes. And brave in her treatment of you so that she isn’t afraid to tell you when you are being ridiculous.” Julia nodded as if she was the expert on the subject. “The last thing on earth you need is to be coddled.” When he let out a strangled laugh at that, she looked at him strangely. To think of Catherine coddling him was preposterous, not when she had rejected him twice now.
Julia continued, “Now, I don’t know how many of these ladies Mama has invited to the ball on Saturday actually qualify as the type of woman I have described, but we can hope.”
“Because you are such an optimist,” he joked, winking at her as he stood to quit the room. He’d thought a conversation with Julia about his future wife would dissuade him from continuing to pursue Catherine, but it had only done the opposite. “And if you are not an optimist, at least you are confident in your opinions.”
“Here, here,” she cheered drolly. “Of course, I am confident,” she called to him. “We’re talking about you, not me. I’m terrified of what it will be like when Mama truly turns her eye to my future.” She forced herself not to think of her past, not think of the only man she’d ever really loved, and the way he had broken her heart so completely that marriage seemed pointless.
“You’ll be happy, Jules,” Benjamin promised, without knowing the truth of her situation. “I know it.”
“That’s the thing. I don’t think I have ever been happy, so I cannot imagine…” She rolled her eyes at herself. Oh, how she hated to be maudlin. “How depressing! Enough about me. What do you have to say about the kind of woman I think you should marry? Do you agree with my opinion?”
Walking back over to her, he leaned down to kiss her cheek. “I think you may be right.”
She grinned. “Well, of course I am, darling. Aren’t I always?”
He started to leave the room again before pausing in the doorway. Servants were already beginning to clean up their morning meal. Should he say what he longed to say? Or should he let it go? Would Julia do him this favor without asking any questions? He could not be sure. In the end, he decided it was a risk worth taking. “Would you mind doing me a favor?”
Smiling truly and fully as she did for only the people she really loved, Julia joked, “It depends on what it is.” But of course she would help him any way she could.
“Would you speak to Mother and make sure the Watson family is invited to the ball? If it comes from you, she won’t question you to death.” He pretended to be casual about his request, but in the end it was an earnest plea.
Julia raised her eyebrow. Her brother rarely surprised her. “Isn’t there a Watson girl of marrying age?”
He nodded. “There is.”
“That’s very interesting,” Julia purred. “Of course, I wouldn’t want to pry. But did you not recently visit the Watson home?”
He met her stare but did not answer her question.
She tapped her finger against her chin. “And…if I recall, didn’t you visit the Watsons before you left so quickly for your tour of the continent? You know I don’t believe in coincidences, Benjamin. But again, I repeat. I would not want to pry.” She smiled like a cat over a bowl of cream.
“You? Pry? Never!” He s
hrugged and moved back into the room, conceding to her questions. He knew he could trust his sister. “I… Please do not tease me over this. I would have her if only she would have me, but she will not. She has scars from that fire some years ago. Do you remember? She doesn’t think it would be right to accept me because of her appearance.”
Julia coughed in surprise. She could not imagine her brother ever speaking of a woman with love in his eyes, but he had just done so. “Accept your marriage proposal?” she clarified.
He shook his head quickly in denial. Marriage was still something that scared him. He could not take a vow that he would make for the rest of his life lightly. “No, I suggested courtship. But she rejected me. She thinks I could do better than her.”
Julia rolled her eyes. Everyone knew that if one entered a true courtship it usually led to marriage, because the honor of the man was at stake, as was the virtue of the woman. Her brother was simply scared of something so permanent as matrimony. But as far as she knew, and she knew very well, he had never asked a woman if he could court her, nor had he ever tied himself to any type of serious relationship. So, for him to ask this Miss Watson not once but twice to enter into a courtship revealed much more about his feelings than he was letting on. Of course, Julia knew him well. This Miss Watson could not know all this about Ben.
Regency Romance: The Earl’s Unforgettable Flame (CLEAN Historical Romance) (Fire and Smoke) Page 8
