Moments of silence passed. Just as he was about to suggest they rejoin the rest of the group, she briefly touched his arm. Even when there had been hope of a future between them, he could not remember a time when she initiated a touch. It stopped him completely.
“When a tragedy happens, there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. Maybe it would have been easier if I hadn’t come today.” Her voice softened even further so he had to strain to hear it. Her throat ached with unshed tears as she continued. “I only know that sometimes, even people showing up, even when they do not know what to say, can make one feel a bit better. That is what your father did for me the night of the fire. That is what you did for me that night, too. As long as I live, I shall never forget it.”
“That was a long time ago,” he murmured. It hurt to hope again. He was a little angry that she would give him cause to do so after the last three times she had denied him so completely. Couldn’t she see that it was difficult to let her go, but he was trying to? Couldn’t she see that to hold on to something that she would not allow to happen hurt both of them? In letting her go, he was trying to save them both more heartache. “I am sure I hardly made an impression on you that night. You barely remembered me when we met again.”
She smiled just the slightest bit. “I’ve never felt so much physical pain as I did that night or in the days after. But for just a little bit, when I was talking to the boy with the serious brown eyes, the pain eased. Perhaps I did not recognize you as a man. But that boy? The one who washed my brow so tenderly? He has never and will never be forgotten. I almost believed everything would be all right when he was beside me.”
“Almost being the key word,” he retorted sarcastically.
“Don’t belittle yourself or the gift you gave me that night. I’ve never forgotten it, and maybe it doesn’t mean much to you…”
“Don’t you see?” he replied quite desperately, his countenance changing quickly as he turned to her, their faces very close together. “For most of my life, it was the most important memory I had. It guided me when I needed help. It anchored me when I was lost.” She opened her mouth to speak, but he continued, “But I had to let it go. You insisted I let it go, not once, not twice, but three times. But I do not blame you. I was a fool to lay my heart in your hands so often.”
She wanted to say, I was the fool. If you asked again, my answer would be different. I will love you forever. I know what it is to be without you now, without each other, and I don’t think it’s good for either of us. But the words stuck in her mouth as he breathed deeply, staring at her, their faces inches apart. For a moment, he almost crumbled and took her in his arms but, as soon as the feeling hit him, he turned on his heel and began to walk away. In the end, she was only able to murmur, “You must know, if you know nothing else, it was never a matter of wanting to say no.”
Before, these words would have led to another proposal from Benjamin. But he was emotionally exhausted. He’d felt aimless since the moment his father died. He didn’t know what he wanted, but he did know he didn’t want his heart broken again by Catherine’s insecurities.
“But that was your answer to me,” he told her in a voice that seemed to close the subject forever. “It’s over. Whatever it was, whatever I want… it’s all over. Please, Miss Watson. I beg you to leave me alone. Your presence now does me no favors; it only reminds me what is not to be.”
She flinched at the sound of her formal name and then closed her eyes. “If that is your wish.”
There was nothing left for either of them to say. Everything had been burnt to the ground. They were left only with ashes.
* * *
18
.
.
.
* * *
“… I allowed my pride and my
vanity to cloud any belief that he
could love me in return.”
* * *
.
.
.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
An Unexpected Visitor
.
Pritchford, Yorkshire
One Month Later
“Another dress ruined,” Cat declared while Jane jumped from foot to foot. “Whatever were you doing?”
“I was playing with John…” Jane began.
“You know I think John a perfectly nice boy, but you are of an age where you can’t go traipsing around with boys anymore, Jane. You’re growing up, loathe as am I to admit it,” Catherine sighed.
Jane shook her head impatiently. “That’s not how I ruined my skirt. I ruined my skirt after I saw the carriage coming from Pritchford Place, and I ran all the way home to warn you.” She squealed with delight, heedless of the mud on her dress. “Don’t you see? It must be Lord Benjamin…”
“Lord Wembley now,” Cat corrected.
“Lord Wembley, then. He’s come to apologize for his mistake. I’m sure of it!” Jane declared with the passion of someone who still believed in fairy tales.
“He didn’t make the mistake; I did,” Cat corrected. She was living with that mistake, too. There was talk in the village now that it had been Benjamin’s father’s dying wish that he marry and that he was considering one of the Pearson girls. Cat should have been able to at least find it somewhere inside of her heart to be happy for him, since a wife like Lady Annabelle or Lady Amelia or Lady Abigail was exactly what she had professed wanting for him. They seemed nice enough. They were titled and rich and grew up in the same circles. No one would think lowly of them or, more importantly, of Benjamin for marrying one of them if he did. Yet, even though Cat had told herself that was best, even though that was one of the reasons she could not accept him, the rumors left her with a deep, aching sadness.
She thought she hid it well, but in truth, her father and sister did not know what to do. She had not seemed so depressed after the fire or her mother’s death. Indeed, then she had seemed intent on causing as little fuss as possible to those she loved, wearing a smile regardless of how she felt. Somehow that smile was many times more believable than the one she wore now. But Papa had made it clear that Jane wasn’t to interfere, and so she had kept her mouth mostly shut on the matter.
That is until today, when she had shouted to John, which thinking about it now was most unladylike, that she had to run home and warn Cat about Benjamin’s impending arrival. The running really had not been ladylike either but this was important. Finally, Catherine would get her happily ever after, and no one deserved it more.
But when the carriage doors were opened, it wasn’t Benjamin who stepped out but his sister, Lady Julia. As always, she was glamorously dressed, her bonnet full of ribbons.
“It isn’t Benjamin,” Catherine whispered to Jane without realizing she hadn’t used his title. It was stupid, of course, but Jane had gotten her hopes up that he was coming, that things could be different, that she would be given one more chance. But the thing her little sister didn’t understand was that Catherine had been given several chances at happiness, and she had squandered them all. She deserved to be unhappy now.
“You must be Jane,” Lady Julia said as she entered the house. She smiled at the younger girl. “My brother mentioned what a wonderful sense of humor you have.”
“Thank you, Lady Julia. That was most kind of him,” Jane offered as she bowed her head a little. Even though she was warm and kind now, there were some rumors in town that Lady Julia could be cold and ruthless.
“Would you mind most terribly if I borrowed your sister for a walk in your lovely gardens?” Lady Julia asked. Growing up, she only had her brother, never a sister or any other siblings. Still, she saw the way Jane looked up at Cat for permission with a frown of worry.
Cat nodded silently at her sister, her face a bit paler than the last time Julia saw her; her eyes shuttered so there was no way to tell what she was feeling. But there was a sense of sadness in the room, of something lost that could not be found again.
“Of course,” Jane allowed, as if it wa
s really up to her in the first place.
For a while, the women walked silently. Catherine did not know where to begin, as she didn’t know why Julia was there in the first place. Julia had been supportive, but it wasn’t as if they were great friends. Furthermore, Catherine knew that beyond teasing, Ben and Julia were close and loyal to one another.
“You’re probably wondering why I’m here,” Lady Julia said at last, her eyes trained on the horizon. “I wish I had an easy answer, but I think I am still trying to discover that myself.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” Catherine replied softly. The wind brushed her hair against the back of her neck.
“My brother is unhappy,” Lady Julia replied, choosing her words very carefully. “And I think I know the remedy to his unhappiness. Especially after losing Papa. If there is a way for one of us to be happy, then I want that most desperately.”
After a long pause, Catherine said, “I wish for your brother’s happiness as well.”
“Do you?” Lady Julia replied with some humor. “Because I believe you’re the remedy, and I have come here to see if encouraging him to attempt to ask for your hand again would be a mistake or not.”
“Pardon me?” Cat asked as her mouth dropped open in a most unbecoming manner. “I thought he was going to marry one of the Pearson sisters.”
Julia waved her hand in the air, shoving away that rumor. “Of course not. They are old family friends. He thinks of them as cousins but damnation…” Cat let out a little squeak of surprise at Julia’s cursing. “It’s going to take a lot of convincing for him to hand you his heart again, and I don’t even know if it can be done. I need to know that my encouraging him wouldn’t be a mistake, that you love him as he loves you. Otherwise, I’ll leave the both of you alone to weather this separately.”
Catherine felt a little lightheaded at the chance Lady Julia was offering her. It was altogether possible, probable even, that he would be unwilling to propose again. But now was Catherine’s chance to show a little bravery and at least admit her feelings to his sister. “I love him. And I allowed my pride and my vanity to cloud any belief that he could love me in return.”
* * *
19
.
.
.
* * *
“… do you want to let her go?
Or is she worthy of trying again?”
* * *
.
.
.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Letting Her Go
.
“I see you and Shep parted with your usual animosity,” Benjamin noted over breakfast. As was typical, even after her husband’s death, their mother continued to take breakfast in bed.
“Not at all,” Julia replied. “I wish Duke Sermont every happiness. He has the life he wants.”
Benjamin murmured something unintelligible as he coughed.
“You have to admire that,” Julia continued as she watched him. “He found someone sweet who would dote on him, and now he is happy. He found exactly what he wanted.”
“Shep is very fortunate with the wife he has in Rosemary,” Benjamin agreed.
“I’m sure he had to work at it a little bit,” she corrected.
“Please tell me you are not even attempting to compare Shep’s courtship and marriage to Rosemary to the three attempts I made with Miss Watson. And please do not tell me you are attempting to bring this topic up again,” Benjamin cautioned as he patted his mouth with a napkin.
“Do you love her?” Julia went on as if he had not spoken. “Because if you love her…”
Benjamin pounded his fist on the table. “Julia, will you please stop? This is not one of those Austen novels you read.”
She touched his hand. “I can’t stop.” Her words were pleading. “I hate to see you so unhappy.”
“I’m not unhappy,” he disagreed.
“Now you’re a liar, too,” she conceded.
Instead of her words making him angry, it only reminded him of the first time he met Catherine as children. Who is the liar now, she had asked, and in doing so attached herself so firmly in his heart that all the games he played throughout his life to relieve the pressure of his upbringing fell away when they met again.
Julia watched his eyes go dreamy, knowing he was thinking of Cat. “You know I went to see her earlier this week.”
“You did what?” he snarled. Though his sister baited and teased him often, they both gave one another a wide berth, knowing it was mostly in good fun. But there were certain lines that should not be crossed.
“I love you, Ben,” Julia admitted. They didn’t say those words often to one another. Julia preferred not to speak of feelings or emotions. So, the fact that she would do so now on her own accord had him sitting up in his chair to listen. “And frankly, I like her. Which was a surprise to me. Since you’ve never had good taste before.”
“Julia,” Benjamin warned as he began to lose patience.
She continued as if he had not spoken. “I mean all those girls at school. I knew you weren’t serious about them. I knew you weren’t very serious about anything at the time, but you had me worried.”
“Julia,” he growled.
“It must be very hard,” she began more gently. “This is the first time in your life when everything hasn’t gone your way. I used to begrudge you for that, for how easily everything seemed to come to you. But maybe it’s better that I tasted disappointment early in life because it taught me that there are some things worth the fight and some things worth letting go of.”
He ran his hands through his hair. The conversation was exhausting him.
“You have been disappointed and let down, and things have not gone your way. You haven’t gotten what you hoped for.” She paused to squeeze his hand. “Now is the time where you have to decide to let go of that dream or to fight for it.”
“Julia,” Ben sighed. “It isn’t that easy. It’s not about hard work. I can’t make her want to marry me.”
“I went to see her because I wanted to be sure of her feelings before I encouraged you to act again. Ask me what happened when I visited her,” Julia suggested.
“I’d rather not, to be honest,” Ben retorted dryly, though he did want to know.
“She loves you, you know,” Julia stated. “She’s miserable over it. Oh, what did she say? Something about her own vanity and pride getting in the way? She thought you were going to marry Amelia, Abigail, or Annabelle, and you should have seen how hard she was trying to be happy for you because she thinks that’s what you deserve. But, Ben, I wouldn’t encourage you if I didn’t think she would say yes this time.”
When he didn’t reply, she only had one thing left to say. “So, now it’s up to you. In the face of this disappointment, do you want to let her go? Or is she worthy of trying again?”
* * *
20
.
.
.
* * *
“If I thought differently, do you think
I would have asked you so many times?”
* * *
.
.
.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Blooming Time
.
“Cat!” Jane shrieked as she ran inside the house. “Lord Benjamin is coming!”
“How many times have I reminded you that he is Lord Wembley now?” Cat asked with a sigh. She didn’t want to think about him, and she certainly did not want to entertain her sister’s fantasies that he was going to come and sweep Cat off of her feet. “You’ve ruined your skirts again, Janie!” she complained. “And besides, he isn’t coming…”
She stopped in place, going silent and still. Ben was suddenly in the doorway, looking both nervous and contrite. She watched him swallow, his cravat in perfect order. “Lord Wembley,” she stuttered, bowing her head. The last time he had seen her, he had said he did not wish to be in her presence again. What was he doing here? “Would you like to come
in?”
“Actually,” he said softly, his eyes on hers. His hands shook a little as he folded them behind his back. “I was hoping you would walk down the lane with me.” He coughed. “With your father’s permission, of course. There is something I would very much like to show you.”
“Oh, Papa would say yes!” Jane cried. “I swear it.”
As always, Jane managed to make him smile, even if it was not a full grin. “And do you claim to speak for your father, Jane?”
“In this matter, yes!” she continued with excitement.
Cat stroked a hand down her sister’s hair. “Please forgive Jane’s excitement, my Lord. My father is not at home at the moment. But she is right. I am certain he would allow me to walk down the lane with you.”
Green stood in the doorway. “Go on, then,” she told the two of them with what appeared to be a stern look on her face. In truth though, she wanted to see her eldest charge happy, and there was something about Lord Wembley that made the lady’s maid think this whole matter could be settled today.
Benjamin turned in the door. He would have offered his arm, but he remembered how coldly he had spoken to her the last time they were together. For her part, Cat was silent. She wore the dress he had first seen her in with the little flowers, simple and sweet. Oh, she wished Green had chosen something else for her now. The silence was not unbearable as it had been when they had stood in front of the place where his father’s portrait would go, and yet she ached to speak.
Regency Romance: The Earl’s Unforgettable Flame (CLEAN Historical Romance) (Fire and Smoke) Page 13
