by Coleen Kwan
A cord swelled in Caleb’s neck. “You. Fucking. Bastard.”
Hannah reached for her brother’s arm. “Caleb, listen to me. You’re getting worked up over nothing.”
“Nothing?” He turned to her, eyes filled with seething disbelief. “It’s nothing, is it? To drop in and find the guy I thought was my best friend porking my big sister?”
She winced at his crudeness.
Derek took a step forward. “Hey, that’s no way to talk to your sister.”
“Talk! You’ve done a helluva lot more than just talk to her,” Caleb bellowed. He shook Hannah off and lunged at Derek with his fist.
Derek had enough experience with fights to be able to dodge the fist. But he didn’t move an inch. If it made Caleb feel better, then he’d let his friend hit him. Caleb’s wildly aimed fist glanced off Derek’s jaw. Derek staggered back a pace but made no move to defend himself, his arms hanging at his sides.
“Dirtbag. Chickenweed.” Caleb held up his fists, his chest heaving. “C’mon. Too scared to fight?”
“You don’t want to fight me.”
“I said put up your fists, jerkwad!”
He couldn’t. Tremors ran through Derek’s arms. He’d always thought Caleb was his best friend, but his best friend thought he was scum. Thought he wasn’t good enough to touch his sister. The betrayal tightened the rope around his throat.
“Stop it you two,” Hannah cried out, her face ashen. “I’m not some piece of steak for you to fight over. I’m an adult, a grown woman, and let me remind you that I’m five years older than the both of you. So you can just put a lid on your testosterone and start behaving like civilized human beings.”
Caleb shifted toward her. “Why, Hannah? You coulda picked anyone, but you chose him?”
“Oh for God’s sake, I didn’t purposely pick anyone. It just happened.”
Derek flinched inside. She made it sound like he was a nobody, like it could have been any guy at Jimmy’s.
“But you were so cut up after Rick,” Caleb protested. “You were crying and saying you wished you’d chosen someone else. And then you end up pregnant with this guy.” He flicked his hand at Derek.
Anger burned in Derek. “What the hell are you implying? There’s no way I’m a scumbag like Rick. I don’t cheat or lie.”
“Maybe not, but you’re a player, all right. The kind that likes to hang out with Marla Beaudry.” The corner of Caleb’s lip lifted scornfully.
“I’m not hanging out with Marla Beaudry!” Derek wanted to roar with frustration. “I’m here with Hannah, aren’t I?”
“Oh, yeah?” Caleb pushed out his jaw, his body bristling with antagonism. “So what are you saying? You’ve fallen crazy in love with Hannah? Is that it?”
The jeer in Caleb’s voice splintered through Derek’s head. Love. No one had ever told him they loved him. Not even his mom. Once, he’d made her a Valentine’s card, and for a minute she had aw’d over it, but later he’d found the card tossed in the waste bin. Since then, he’d never told another person he loved them.
Crazy in love with Hannah? The idea froze his blood. He’d nursed a crush on her for years, and she was so special to him—even before she was expecting his baby—but did that mean he was in love with her? And what did she make of it? He sneaked a glance at her. Her shoulders were hunched, her mouth was pinched, and she looked like she wanted to puke.
His stomach dropped. Yeah, she wanted to puke at the thought of him falling in love with her. She couldn’t even meet his eyes, her gaze sliding away as she wrapped her arms around her waist. He was no expert on body language, but hers was saying loud and clear Back Off!
“Well?” Caleb was glowering at him from beneath lowered brows.
He didn’t know what to make of the sick feeling churning through him, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to make himself vulnerable again. He wasn’t going to have his heart tossed in the garbage again.
“Hannah and I weren’t after anything serious.”
Hannah made a choking noise before she stared down at the floor. Caleb’s hands twitched like he was thinking of punching Derek again. Derek’s heart thumped against his ribs. Was he saying the wrong thing? Making a big mistake? Shit, why was this so painful?
Here were the two people he cared for most in the world, and they both looked like they hated him. He had to say something, anything, to fix the situation.
“But now there’s a baby on the way, I’m all in. I’m prepared to shoulder my responsibilities.” He couldn’t seem to stop himself sounding so goddamn stuffy. “I’m happy to marry Hannah, and I promise I won’t cheat or lie.”
Hannah flung back her hair as a stifled howl rose from her lips. “You ass! Screw you and your responsibilities.”
Ass? Did she mean him? Derek floundered back as if she’d punched him. “Huh?”
“I’m not something you have to shoulder.” Her eyes were glazed over with a weird sheen, and he actually felt scared of her. “You’re not doing me a favor offering to marry me and promising not to cheat or lie. How dare you?” She stamped her foot. He had never seen her do that before. “I deserve better! Better, d’you hear me?”
Bile rose in Derek’s throat. Finally, Hannah was speaking the truth. She didn’t want him because he wasn’t good enough.
Hannah couldn’t stop shaking. She’d lost control of her muscles and her mind. Why had she yelled at Derek like that? What had she said to him?
“Derek—”
He cut her off with an icy glare. “Good to know how you really feel.”
Oh God. She hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings, but what about hers? He was acting like she should be grateful to him. She tipped up her quivering chin. “I don’t want to force you into anything.”
“Kind of you,” he snapped.
“I can take care of myself.”
“Yeah, you’re good at that.” Derek was still glaring at her. “At least you’ll be spared the embarrassment of bumping into me all the time.”
Because he’d be far away, living a completely different life. Her heart dropped. “I don’t mean…” Shoot, what did she mean? Her feelings for Derek were so jumbled, so confused with her own feelings of inadequacy. “I mean you—you’re still the father. You still have rights.”
“Sure. Rights.” Derek stalked over to where he’d dropped his T-shirt last night, picked it up, and pulled it on. He grabbed his shoes, wallet, and phone, and headed for the door.
Dread choked Hannah. She didn’t want him to go. Not like this. “Derek, please—”
He veered away from her outstretched fingers. “I’d better leave.”
He didn’t even look at her. Moments later, he was gone. Hannah stared at the shut door, unable to believe that he wouldn’t come back. Then, Caleb made an irritated noise, and she slowly turned back to her brother.
“I still can’t believe it.” Caleb shook his head.
Hurt and anger congealed in her. “What’s so hard to believe? That a guy like Derek would want to sleep with someone like me?”
“Jesus, Hannah! He was my best friend. He’s like a brother to you, a kid brother.”
She couldn’t help wincing. “Why do you have to make it sound so perverted? It doesn’t matter now, anyway. He’s gone. We’re through.” Her voice broke, and something inside her cracked too.
Caleb glowered, barely seeming to notice her anguish. “And I’m through with him, too. Christ. To think I used to believe he was my best friend. I’m such a patsy.”
Oh, no. Her worst fears about Caleb finding out were coming true. “Don’t say that,” she muttered, too weak to protest more forcefully. “I’m as much to blame as Derek.”
Her brother’s face grew ruddier. “Fine. You both made a fool out of me.”
Then he stomped out of her house, slamming the door behind him. Shaken and nauseous, Hannah collapsed into her couch and buried her face in her hands.
Where had Derek gone? Why did she feel so gutted? Was it because she had fallen
in love with Derek? Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe.
No, of course not. I’m not that stupid. He’s not the kind of guy I’m looking for. He dates women like Marla Beaudry.
Tears rose again, but she forced them down. Derek wasn’t in love with her. She’d seen him practically gag when Caleb had challenged him. As much as it hurt to witness his repulsion, it was all for the best. She knew where she stood with him. Derek would be a long-distance dad, and he would always have a part in her child’s life. But for her and Derek, there was no future.
Chapter Seventeen
Amber sat back, her eyes as big as dinner plates. “Wow, that’s some story.”
“I feel like I’ve been babbling for hours,” Hannah said.
It was nighttime, and she was curled up on Amber’s couch. She’d felt dreadful all day and barely got through her shift at the nursing home. She’d called Amber asking if they could talk, and her friend, probably recognizing the agony in her voice, had urged her to come over right away. As soon as Hannah had arrived at Amber’s house, she had sat down and unburdened herself in one long, rambling soliloquy, which her good friend had barely interrupted.
“And you’re pregnant! Oh my God, I can hardly believe it. No wonder you didn’t want any wine.” Amber took a deep gulp from her own filled wineglass.
“Sometimes, when the puking’s over for the day, I can hardly believe it myself.” Hannah nursed the mug of tea Amber had made for her. “But then I have days like today when I feel just awful.” It must have been the emotional upsets of the past twenty-four hours that was causing all the cramps and nausea she was currently experiencing. A good night’s sleep would help, but she didn’t think that would be happening anytime soon.
“How are you feeling?” Amber frowned at her in concern. “You do look a bit pasty.”
“It’s the stress.”
Amber gazed at her for a while more. “To think that you could be Mrs. Derek Carmichael. Mrs. Celebrity Carpenter.”
Hannah flushed. “Stop it. You’re not helping.”
“But Derek did propose to you. Twice. Oh, sure, they weren’t the most romantic of proposals, and the circumstances could’ve been better, but still… You must have thought about it a little?”
“No.”
“Not even a teeny bit?”
Hannah sighed. “Okay, yes, I thought about it, and nothing good came to mind.”
“Oh, come on. He’s fricking gorgeous and great in bed from what you’ve let slip. And he’s responsible and strong and loyal. Plus he has his own business. What more could you ask for?”
Longing spiked in Hannah as she silently agreed. But Amber didn’t have her past history.
“He lives in L.A., and he dates women like Marla Beaudry. He’d only be marrying me because of the baby. Not because of me.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes. I told you what happened this morning. Caleb asked Derek point blank if he was in love with me, and he said no.”
Amber’s brow puckered up. “Did he actually say no? I thought he kinda skirted the question.”
“It doesn’t matter what the actual words were, I knew what he meant. He’s not in love with me, and that’s why I can’t marry him.”
The mug in her hands blurred, and her chin started to wobble. She swiped at her face and found her hand damp with moisture. Amber handed her the box of Kleenex. She grabbed a couple and buried her nose in them.
“It’s the pregnancy hormones,” she whimpered.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie.” Amber drew her into her arms and hugged her tightly. “This is all such a big shock to you.”
“And will I be any good as a mom? I mean, it’s not as if I’ve had a great role model. My mom never had much patience with us, and as soon as we were old enough, she ran away. How am I going to turn out?”
“Hannah Willmett! Don’t you dare compare yourself with your mom. When she left, you picked up the reins like a superhero. You looked after your brother, your dad, and your granddad. She was selfish and lazy, but you’re nothing like her, d’you hear me?”
Hannah couldn’t help smiling, grateful for her friend’s indignation. “I hear you.”
“I know it won’t be easy for you, but you won’t be alone, I promise.”
Hannah bit her lip. “Caleb is mad at both me and Derek.”
Amber made a growling noise. “That brother of yours needs a quick kick up the ass, and I’m going to give him one as soon as I can. Oh, don’t shake your head at me, Hannah. You know I’m right. Caleb’s a hothead, but he’ll come around, and so will your folks. You’ll see.”
Hannah nodded, but she wasn’t as comforted as she should have been. Even with all the friends and family in the world, she felt alone…without Derek.
“And Derek will be here,” Amber continued. “I’m sure of it. He won’t let you down, even if you won’t marry him.”
Suddenly Hannah was shaking and tears were running down her cheeks.
“Oh, sweetie! Did I say something wrong?”
“I d-don’t know why I’m crying.” Hannah mopped up the tears with a Kleenex but still more flowed. It felt like her whole heart was pouring out.
Amber held her until her crying jag ran out. Then she made them both fresh mugs of tea and broke open a box of chocolates.
“I think we need to get serious now.” She grabbed a chocolate and shoved the box at Hannah. “You need to tell me what’s really going on with Derek because you obviously have very strong feelings for him.”
“Maybe I do, but it would never work out.”
“Why are you so sure about that?”
“Because I’ve got some experience in failed marriages. Rick cheated on me, and you know what his excuse was? He said he’d married too young. He said a guy needed to sow his wild oats before settling down.”
“Rick’s a jerk. Don’t tell me you swallowed all his bullshit.”
“But I have to learn something from it. I told you that after Rick I was only going to choose a steady, mature, older man.”
Amber grabbed Hannah’s hand. “Listen, you’re afraid of being hurt again. I get that. But there’s always a risk in loving someone. Nothing is guaranteed. And if you go out on a limb for the one you love, the one who lights up your life, then who knows what the rewards will be.”
There was only one man who lit up her life. Suddenly it all made sense. Derek had endured such a miserable childhood, had expressed reasonable doubts about kids, yet when she’d become pregnant, he had rushed to her side. He could’ve stayed in L.A.—in fact she’d encouraged him to—but he hadn’t. He’d come, and he’d stayed despite her trying to push him away. He had honor and honesty and courage, and she admired him immensely. He was exactly the kind of man she’d been yearning for, only she hadn’t seen it, until now.
“You’re right. I’m in love with Derek.” She exhaled a deep breath, filled with astonishment at hearing herself admit it out loud.
“I knew you were.” Amber grinned in triumph.
“But he doesn’t love me.” Her shoulders slumped again.
“Maybe he does, but he was too scared to admit it in front of you and Caleb. I mean, it’s taken a while for you to confess it to me, and I’m a sympathetic listener.”
Could Amber be right? Could it be possible that Derek did harbor deep feelings for her, but the circumstances hadn’t been right?
“He’s not the kind of man to bare his soul,” she said slowly, remembering Derek’s taut face from this morning when she had yelled at him and called him an ass. She had really hurt him.
“Especially not to the woman who’s already turned down his proposal before.” Amber popped another chocolate in her mouth and chewed for a few seconds. “You have to tell him how you feel.”
Hannah winced. “Put myself out there? It’s so scary.”
“And never telling him isn’t?”
Amber was right. As much as it frightened her to tell Derek the truth, the prospect of hiding her love
from him was even scarier. She had to overcome her fears of being hurt. And if he rejected her, well, at least she had tried, and she would know not to expect anything more from him.
Amber shook the box of chocolates under Hannah’s nose. “Take one. At least chocolate will always be there for you.”
Hannah smiled weakly and picked up a chocolate. Chocolate would always be there for her, but she’d much prefer Derek.
The following morning Hannah had just completed her first visit to the bathroom when Caleb arrived on her doorstep, clutching a bunch of flowers.
“Caleb?” She wrinkled her brow at him. “I’m too tired for another argument.”
He instantly winced. “I’m not here to argue, I’m here to apologize for being such a jerk yesterday.” He thrust the flowers toward her. “I’m so sorry, sis.”
Relief filtered through her as she accepted her brother’s peace offering and let him inside. “I’m sorry you had to find out like that.” She looked him over. “I suppose Amber said something to you?”
“Yeah, she gave me an earful, but I would’ve come round anyway.” He shifted on his feet. “The reason I visited you yesterday was to tell you that whatever happens I’ve got your back, and I still mean it. You’re not alone, Hannah. I’ll always be here for you.”
Tears threatened to overwhelm her. Now that she was honest about her true feelings for Derek, everything felt raw to her sensitized emotions.
“That—that means a lot to me,” she murmured, her chin quivering as she squeezed the bunch of flowers.
“Uh…and Dad and Rosalind will come around too, I’m sure of it.”
“Yeah,” she sniffed, unable to hold back the tears.
“Aw, Hannah.” He pulled her into a hug, and she rested her forehead against his shoulder, the flowers crushed between them. It was good to have her brother back, good to lean on him for a while. But nothing would fill the Derek-sized hollow inside her heart except for one man, and the only way she’d have a chance with him was if she put her fears aside and laid it all on the line for him.
“You want me to what?” Otto barked at Derek.
“You heard me. You’re going to go in there”—Derek nodded at the house they were parked outside—“and tell Mrs. Pascoe you’re sorry for yelling at her, that you won’t do it again, and that you’ll be very grateful if she comes back.”
