by Debra Dunbar
As expected, Gregory was not happy. Surprisingly, neither was Random Woman who told me she wanted far more than the mummies and a rusted old helmet to be returned.
“Can you open a gate for the dragon to return home?” I asked the angel, speaking loudly to be heard over his yelling as well as that of the four humans.
“Of course I can. I’m an angel, an archangel. I’m over six-billion years old. I built the gates to Hel; I’m certainly capable of creating a temporary one to send this dragon back.”
I bit my lip to keep from smiling. Gregory was so funny when he was in a snit. “Then what’s the problem? Shove the whole lot through the gateway and be done with it.”
There was a lot more about national treasures, lives lost, a huge freaking hole in the middle of London, blah, blah, blah.
“And there is no way I would ever allow any otherworld being scheduled visits to snatch up human belongings, and probably humans. Cockroach, what were you thinking?”
I smiled, feeling rather smug. “Okay, big guy, what’s your counter offer?”
The angel went on and on regarding what he wanted the dragon to do and not do. I wasn’t listening because I had my own counter offer in mind.
“Great. Be right back.”
This time the dragon was playing with his dinner. He was sprawled out with his chin resting on one clawed hand. Two humans ran frantically across the room, screaming for help. As they started to get out of reach, the dragon would shoot out a hand and drag them back. It reminded me of a cat playing with a mouse—a giant, fire-breathing cat.
I wonder how well the dragon would cope with Destructo Kitty?
“The angels have come up with an offer that I think shows remarkable ingenuity for a race of boring fuddy-duddies.”
The dragon tucked the two humans under his arm and focused his attention on me. “Go on.”
“Evidently, the humans have become great fans of dragons. They want you to stay, even though the angels strongly disagree. They have proposed the museum and all of its contents remain here, and you release the humans you are holding. In return, they will provide you with SPAM as detailed in the earlier offer, and they will also safeguard your treasure from any theft as well as punish any attempts to steal your treasure.”
His eyes narrowed. “What’s the catch?”
“You can only remain here for three months of each year and spend the rest of each year in your dragon homeland. And the humans will be allowed free access to view both your treasure and to pay homage to your glorious self when you are in residence. You don’t get to take any further items or harm any humans.”
“Three months?” He complained. “Three months? And I can’t take any of the treasure home with me? How are the other dragons to know how powerful I am, how much I’ve accumulated on this trip if I cannot show them?”
“We can counter with a few items for you to take with you. Remember, this is a negotiation.”
The dragon ignored me. “Can I trust the humans to safeguard my treasure? I took this museum easily; who is to say another couldn’t do the same in my absence?”
“The angels will assist them. We’ll make sure no other dragon or anyone else makes off with anything in the museum.”
“And I can’t eat them,” the dragon mused. He wasn’t spitting fire anymore and seemed to be genuinely considering the offer. I crossed my fingers and hoped that fate smiled upon me once again.
“No, but you will get SPAM. And think of the humans, lining up for miles around to have the privilege of gazing upon your beauty? Forget the royal family; it’s all going to be about you, baby.”
He pursed his non-lips. “I am intrigued. What do you suggest I choose to take with me when I return home?”
I pulled a five-carat alexandrite from my pocket. “The humans are willing to give you this.”
The dragon caught his breath. “Very large. Nicely cut with excellent clarity. This alexandrite is not from here, though. It has a slightly different color than expected given the geologic makeup of this planet.”
“It’s from Hel. Imagine how impressed the other dragons will be that you have such a beautiful gem from a place they have never been able to gain access to.”
He nodded excitedly. “True.”
“And I’ll throw in one more thing,” I told him, feeling like I was reading an infomercial script. “For no additional cost, I’ll allow you to take a greed demon back with you.”
He scowled. “Why would I want that? No offence, but demons taste horrible, and they are very annoying beyond a few hours of conversation.”
True. Very true. “He’s a greed demon. He likes stuff just as much as you dragons do, and he likes to steal it. Imagine, you can have him steal stuff from the other dragons, and if he gets caught, you won’t be to blame. Just turn him loose and watch the fun.”
The dragon tilted his head. “No. I don’t want him. But I’ll take the gem. And I want to choose one other thing to take with me.”
So much for plan B. On to plan C. “Fine. You can pick one other thing to take back home.”
“I choose this.” The dragon pulled a crown from under his belly and plopped it on his head. He looked ridiculous, but who was I to judge? “It has lots of gold and gems. It’s my favorite of all my new treasure.”
I took a good look at the crown and frowned. “Where did you get that? It’s supposed to be in the Tower of London, not in the museum.”
I should know; I’d tried to steal it before.
“I popped by there on my way here. There’s not much of interest there beyond a few suits of armor, but this was amazing.”
I waved a hand. “It’s yours. Take it and the gem back with you, and you can come back in nine months. Do we have a deal?”
The dragon nodded, shifting the crown to a jaunty angle on his head. “Deal.”
I tossed him the gem. “Go ahead and let the humans go, and I’ll go chat with the angel about getting a gateway for you. We’ll re-open one in nine months for you to return.”
The dragon smiled, showing an alarming number of pointy teeth. His tail shifted aside, and thirty-eight humans ran for it.
“The other two under your arm need to go free.” I wagged a finger at the dragon, as if he were a naughty boy.
“Oh, all right.” He lifted his arm and the other two humans ran for the exit.
This time when I popped back into the surveillance van, Gregory was the only one shouting at me. The others were far too relieved to see the hostages unharmed to be angry. Well, except for Random Woman, who kept asking me the condition of various non-fireproof exhibits.
“I’m not the one that’s going to be chasing after a misplaced paperclip.” Gregory glared at me, jabbing that finger into my chest again. “Dragons obsess over every little thing. Yes, he says he only cares about the gold and gems, but the first time they move an exhibit, or the gift shop sells a postcard, he’s going to demand it back.”
“So we move the gift shop outside the museum,” I countered. “It’s the perfect solution. Happy dragon, happy Office of Tourism. What’s not to love?”
“And you offered Avarnak to him? Because foisting that demon on their world is better than killing him?”
“Yes, it is. They’re dragons. They can handle him.”
“It’s a good thing he refused. Were you going to send the dragon off to look for the demon? How were you going to manage this “gift”?”
I pulled out my phone and checked the time. “Avarnak should be here any moment, depending on how bad the rush-hour traffic is. His plane arrived at Heathrow an hour ago.”
Gregory shook his head in disbelief. “How do you know that?”
“It’s a long story. Anyway, plan B failed, so I’m onto plan C.”
“Plan C. I’m terrified to find out what plan C entails.”
I grinned. “I tell Avarnak that I gave the magical gem to the dragon. He goes head-to-head with big-and-scaly. Then you open a gateway and shove the dragon and Avarnak through.
With the gem and the Queen’s crown.”
“You gave that thing the crown?” Random Woman shrieked.
“You gave that thing the gem?” Gregory shouted.
“Of course I did. How else did you expect me to convince Avarnak to come here? It’s a brilliant plan, although if you prefer, you can just kill Avarnak when he arrives and the dragon can leave with the gem and the crown.”
“This is a complete assembly intercourse.”
It took me a second to realize what he meant. “Cluster fuck, babe. The term is cluster fuck.”
Chapter 31
Where is my gem?”
I took a step back from the fuming demon, mindful of the SWAT team still at the ready behind me, as well as a rather angry angel.
“Possession is eleven tenths of the law. You’re a greed demon; you should know that.” I dodged a laser beam that dug a small trench in the pavement. “You probably don’t want to do that. There’s an angel here negotiating with the dragon, but if you start tearing shit up, he’s liable to think you’re the bigger threat to humanity.”
“I’m not afraid of an angel,” he sneered. “I’ve already killed fifty.”
Twenty. Clearly the gem’s magical powers didn’t extend to math skills. “I’ve killed six. Or seven. I’m not sure; I’ve lost count. Trust me, you don’t want to mess with this particular angel.”
“Where is my gem?” Another laser beam etched a line across the first. Good thing I was quick on my feet or I would have been sliced in half.
“Safe. You get the gem, and I get half of Aaru. Deal?”
“No deal.”
I jumped again. The sidewalk was beginning to look like urban abstract art. “Fine. I’ll just use it on myself and kick your ass. Let’s see, there are three charges left? Four? That ought to be enough of a power increase to turn you into a smear on the pavement.”
He hesitated. My muscles tensed, ready to hop if he started up the eyeball weapons again. “Fine. I get the gem with all remaining charges. You get half of Aaru.”
Liar. He had no intention of giving me half of Aaru. He was planning to kill me as soon as he took care of the angels. I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to push him so far that he decided to kill me right now. Gregory was busy building the construct for the dragon’s gate, which required enough concentration that he wouldn’t be able to come save my sorry ass if I needed it.
Personally, I thought this temporary gate thing was a great idea. I was imagining we could use it to get rid of all sorts of bothersome creatures. Just pop open a gate right under where they were sitting, and bingo, it would be like washing them down the drain.
I’d been informed my idea would require the creature to hold very still, and be fairly compliant about being sucked through a gateway. Which gave me some doubts as to the effectiveness of my plan C.
And there was no plan D.
“Deal. The dragon has it. Go get it.”
Avarnak’s eyes nearly left his head. “I thought you were lying about that. There’s really a dragon? A real dragon?”
The guy wasn’t afraid of an archangel, but he was unsure about facing a dragon? What the fuck?
“Yeah. A real dragon. You might want to go get the gem before the angel sends him back.”
The demon snarled. “You stupid fucking imp. I’m not giving you half of Aaru. In fact, I’m going to kill you once I get the gem back. Which means you have about five minutes to get the hell out here, because if I see you again, you’re dead.”
I restrained myself from rolling my eyes and scurried behind a light pole, as if I were terrified. As soon as he was inside the front door of the museum, I hustled around the side where Gregory stood in what appeared to be a meditative trance. The priest was off to one side, clasping his hands and looking at the angel in mute adoration. Random Woman was on the other side, holding a colored tri-fold map of the museum. Damn. If I’d have known she had that, I wouldn’t have wasted so much time tromping through the ceramics exhibits earlier.
“He’s in,” I told Gregory. “Hurry up and open the gate. Just make sure it’s big enough for the dragon and Avarnak too.”
Random Woman and the priest both shushed me. I’m sure the angel needed to concentrate, but he also needed to know we were on a tight timeline.
I heard a roar followed by the sound of an explosion and high-pitched screams. The priest and Random Woman both took off, followed by the entirety of the SWAT team and uniformed officers. I turned to face the museum, thinking the worst.
The dragon or the demon, I wasn’t sure which, had blown away half the front wall of the museum, which left the second story partially collapsed and the roof listing dangerously to the side. It was hard to tell what was going on, with fire and lasers the only visible thing in the dust-filled air. Gregory stood, unmoving. I hoped he could adjust the gate about fifty feet forward, otherwise the only thing that was going to disappear was the museum and its contents.
“They’re on the move,” I shouted at the angel. Then I ran, trying to get a better view to see what was going on and hopefully get the pair of them back in place.
The light show continued with the added danger of trees and park benches being flung about. I could make out the dragon’s shape rolling on the ground with what appeared to be a giant crocodile/lion attacking it.
Whoa. Avarnak had certainly gotten more than laser beam eyes when he’d used the gem on himself. Careful not to get crushed by flying trees, I watched the demon wrestling the dragon, one of his grubby little clawed hands trying to pry the gem from where the dragon had imbedded it into his skin. A light flared behind them, and I stomped in frustration. The gate. The motherfucking gate that neither of them were going to use.
I might get burned—I would most likely get lasered in half—but I was going to have to throw myself in the middle of this mess and get both the demon and the dragon through the gate.
The key was the gem. I revealed my wings and took flight, soaring upward to get a dust-free view. The dragon had placed the gem between his eyes, right next to the crown that inexplicably still remained on his head. I locked in on my target, tucked my wings to my sides, and shot like an arrow toward the dragon’s head.
Unfortunately, both the demon and the dragon were still locked in combat, and instead of nailing the dragon right in the face, I hit Avarnak.
Plan H. Or maybe Q.
The demon thrashed about like the half-crocodile he was while I wrapped my arms tight around his toothy snout and hung on. “The gate,” I shouted to the dragon. “You need to go through the gate as we agreed upon, or the deal is off.”
The dragon blinked, recoiling at the sight of me bronco-busting a crocodile/lion demon. “He tried to steal my—“
“I got him. Go, go!” I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold on, and plan R required some specific timing.
“Nine months,” the dragon reminded me. “And when I return, I want to hear the story of violent romance.”
“Yes, yes. Hurry before the gate closes.” I wasn’t sure how much longer Gregory could hold it open.
The dragon bounded away. Avarnak tried to follow, but I spread my wings and managed to slow him down. Five, four, three, two, one. I released the demon and he fell forward, rolling into the museum via the gaping hole and through the gate.
I ran toward Gregory. “Close it. Close it, close it, close it!” Just in case he didn’t hear me, I tackled him, knocking him to the grass.
His arms came around me, and I buried my face against him. We’d done it. Dragon gone for nine months, which hopefully would be long enough for repairs to be completed on the museum, and Avarnak out of our hair. I gave him two weeks before the dragons killed him.
“Cockroach, you seem to be very fond of shoving your enemies through gateways for other’s to deal with.”
Yep. First Bencul, and now Avarnak. “Next asshole is going to go to Aarie for the brownies to pick apart.” I got up and turned to look at the museum. Yeah, the front half was probab
ly beyond repair, and there had been lots of windows broken. I’m sure several of the exhibits didn’t survive the dragon either. All in all, it wasn’t too bad. Nine months tops.
As I watched, the middle section of the museum exploded in a spray of rock and metal. The roof groaned and sagged further until the whole museum looked like someone had melted the right half of the building.
“Did you do that?” I asked Gregory.
“No.”
Not a reassuring tone of voice, but before I had a chance to question him further, a voice boomed out from the museum rubble.
“Az, you motherfucking, cocksucking, worthless, deceiving bitch of an imp. I am going to kill you.”
Avarnak. Damn my lousy luck.
Chapter 32
Had the demon not gone through the gateway? I backed up until I was pressed against Gregory, hoping the angel had a plan Z. He grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me behind him, which seemed like the beginning of a really solid plan to me.
“Stay back. Stay back and let us handle this.”
Us? I looked around at the busted museum, uprooted trees and overturned park benches. All the humans had fled. Was he going to do that aspect thing and divide himself into all sorts of Gregory clones, because from the way he’d explained it, he still only had the cumulative power of one archangel when he did that.
“Where is it? Where is it, you bitch?” Avarnak was looking for me, holding the alexandrite aloft in one of his reptile hands.
“Where’s what?” Gregory asked me. “And why isn’t he stronger? I’m getting the same power reading off his energy as I did before I opened the gateway. Is the gem used up?”
“No, at least I don’t think so. It’s back at my house, and I didn’t know how to check how many charges remained.”
Gregory turned to face me. “It’s back at your house? Then what’s he got in his hand?”
“A five-carat alexandrite with a doppelganger spell. Well, it used to have a doppelganger spell, but I used it the other day, just for kicks. You have no idea how much fun two of me are. I’ve got to get another one of those.”
