It didn’t matter that my mum had told me he must have been off his head on drugs and didn’t know what he was doing, and Bea had said we should just try to let it go. Still, I’d been sure. The cops had come, they’d written notes, they’d let us know as soon as they had any new information. We hadn’t heard from them. It wasn’t till that very moment that I realized we never would.
Something wrong had happened, and no one even seemed to expect it to be put right except me.
“Hey!” Ling grinned at me when I dropped my bag down next to her and Ashleigh. “Guess what?”
I didn’t answer, just sat down on the cement, my head still whirring.
“You okay, Ava?” Ashleigh asked. “You look kind of pale.”
I looked up at them, wanting to explain.
Ling leaned forward and put her hand on my arm. “Did something bad happen?”
“Bad things happen all the time—” I don’t know why I sounded so angry “—and no one does anything about them.”
I didn’t have to look up to know that Ling and Ashleigh were exchanging a look.
“The cops do. Detectives and journalists too,” Ashleigh said.
“Yeah, and aid workers. Plus not-for-profit organizations and charities.”
They didn’t get it. I looked up, opening my mouth to snap at them again. They looked back at me with real concern and worry. Maybe they hadn’t even been exchanging a look, maybe they really did care about what I was saying.
“I guess.” I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “What were you saying before? What are you excited about?”
“Oh yeah.” Ling pulled something out of her bag. “I printed off the list of stalls that are going to be at the careers expo tomorrow. I thought it would be fun to make a timetable, so we don’t miss anything. My sister said it can be really overwhelming.”
I told them to go and get started in the library and I’d catch up with them, but I didn’t go. I sat by myself by the wall instead, staring at the spot that Mel, Cass and Saanvi usually sat in on the oval. They weren’t there either. They were probably skipping. I wondered if Mel was somewhere, crying right now. She’d been rude to me in the change room, but I knew it was only because she was upset.
Soon it was pouring down rain. The people on the oval leaped up, some squealing, some laughing, and rushed toward the school buildings. I stayed were I was, the roof of the library shielding me from the downpour. Looking toward the car park, I saw Mr. Bitto. He ran from his car, his jacket over his head, slipping a few times before he made it to cover. He looked ridiculous. This man wasn’t scary; he wasn’t some big and powerful monster. It kept raining all through lunch, but I stayed where I was, staring out at the empty school yard. It made the classrooms look dark for the rest of the day, and pelted the bus windows on my long commute home.
I got drenched as I walked up the hill of Lakeside. A guy around my age that lived in the house across from us was looking at me through his kitchen window. It must have looked weird that I wasn’t rushing out of the downpour. I ignored him. I didn’t care. My head was buzzing. Mr. Bitto was going to pay for what he’d done. I may have been just a girl, a nobody, but he was just a creep with a hard-on for his students. If I could figure out a way, I could make this right. I spent all night thinking up a plan.
* * *
I watched Mel on the bus the next morning. We were all on our way to the careers expo. She sat in the back with Saanvi and Cass and some guys. She was laughing along, but I knew she was still upset. I was sitting right near the front with Ling and Ashleigh. They were discussing their priorities for the day. I tried not to listen. Instead, I stared at the back of Mr. Bitto’s head. He was leaning forward and talking to the driver in his gentle voice. I could see through his hair very slightly. His pale scalp was shiny.
Finally, the bus pulled into the Exhibition Center. It was starting to drizzle again outside. There were a few days until spring, but winter wasn’t giving up. I pulled my hood up as we filed noisily from the bus.
“Come on, Ava,” Ling said, looking back as I dawdled.
“I’ll catch up with you guys,” I told them.
“Okay.” Ashleigh smiled at me and they rushed on ahead, timetables and notebooks in hand.
I walked slowly, watching Mel, Saanvi and Cass. They had linked arms, become a wall of skinny thighs and shiny hair. Watching them walk together like that made my resolve start to shake. I felt queasy, and my mouth still tasted weird from another shockingly early morning, even though I brushed my teeth. I wondered if I would ever get used to it.
I scampered to keep up as they entered the building, taking one last long breath of chilly air. The ceiling inside was high and the side wall was solid glass, all fogged up so you could barely see the little droplets sliding down the outside. Inside, it was loud with all the vendors. Beauty schools, Sports Colleges, the local paper. Tables decked with pamphlets. The people behind them smiling too wide. Miranda had already been pounced on by the straight-backed guy in camo at the Army table. I ignored it all and kept up my following.
The three of them looked so complete, even from behind. I wondered if they’d picked each other on the first day of high school because they looked so similar. Same long legs and dark hair. Mel was the leader of the group. No matter what, she was always in the middle. She was always the focus. Saanvi was snarky and loud, but she always listened to what Mel said. Cass was quieter. She always stared out the window in class. But with the other two she seemed to come to life.
They ignored the vendors too and went straight into the girl’s bathroom.
I stopped walking. My plan was crazy. They might laugh at me. I could just go back and join Ashleigh and Ling. I slowly took my hoodie off. My hands were shaking. I didn’t have to do it. Then, I forced myself to think about how I would feel tonight. When I walked back up the hill in Lakeside Estate imagining what might have happened, wishing I hadn’t chickened out. The feeling of it was devastating enough to propel me forward.
The toilet door squeaked as it swung open. Mel and Cass were sitting up next to the sinks and Saanvi was leaning against the wall. They all looked up at me.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” mimicked Saanvi, raising an eyebrow.
I looked down at the cracked tiles. It stank in there. “I’ve been thinking about what happened yesterday,” I started.
“Just forget it! It’s none of your business.” Mel’s expression was fierce. I hadn’t expected her to get mad.
“I know.”
“So do you need to pee, or what?” asked Saanvi.
This wasn’t going the way I’d hoped.
“No. Listen. I’ve got a plan about how we can get him back. A way where no one will know it was us.”
“Yeah?” said Saanvi, looking me up and down. She thought I was about to say something lame.
“We get him on video. With a student. We’ll shoot it so you can see his face but not hers. But they’ll know from the uniform.”
I grabbed the school sports shirt out of my bag and showed it to them. It was the one we all had to wear for PE, with the big school logo on the back.
“Then what?” asked Mel.
“Put it online.”
They all stared at me. I was sure for a moment they were going to tell me to get out, tell me I was an idiot.
Then Cass clapped her hand over her mouth and started laughing.
“That’s awesome!”
“Really?” I asked.
Saanvi looked at Mel, who smiled at her.
“I didn’t realize you had that kind of balls.” For once Saanvi looked impressed.
I felt tingly all over. I’d done it. We were going to be friends now for sure.
“Would you really do that for me?” Mel stared at me intently.
For a moment I didn’t understand what she meant. But of
course, it was obvious. There was no way she was going near Mr. Bitto. Cass and Saanvi wouldn’t want to do it either. They all assumed I would be the one. The one to be in the video. It had been my idea after all.
“Sure,” I said, the tingles turning cold.
It was my price of admission. If I wanted to be one of them, I’d have to pay for it. I should have known that from the beginning.
“You’re so cool, Ava,” Cass said, as she pulled some hair product out of her bag and started slicking it through my hair.
“This is just for him,” Saanvi said, smearing foundation over my face. “No one will see your face. Now pout.”
She smudged red gloss on my lips. Mel sat back, watching.
“Are you sure you’re okay to do this?” she said, when the girls had finished and I had changed into the gym shirt. There was something in her tone that made it seem like a test, as if she wasn’t really asking.
“Yep.”
“Good.” She jumped down from the sink and surveyed me. Then, she reached over and undid the top two buttons of my school shirt.
“You’re so sexy now.” She smiled. “Look.”
I turned to look in the mirror. I was unrecognizable. The fluff was gone, my hair coiled in shiny tendrils. The makeup made my face look different, my eyes and lips popping. I wasn’t sure if I liked what I saw.
“What a babe,” cooed Cass.
“Pedo won’t know what hit him,” said Saanvi.
* * *
We waited until the presentations. Everyone was to be at the main stage at one o’clock sharp. We decided that under the stage was the place to do it. He’d feel like it was safe there.
When it hit ten past, I crept out into the corridor. The vendor tables were empty now. I kept my head down as I walked. Watching my feet pressing down into the dirty carpet. Every part of me was twisted up, but still I kept going. There was a drive in me, willing me to go through with it. Not just because of Mel. Because of Miranda, because of that strange feeling of not caring that someone was hurting. I wanted to test it, see how far I could go. To see exactly what I was capable of.
Mr. Bitto was standing inside the auditorium right near the door at the back. On the stage, a man was brushing a student’s hair with the hand of a skeleton. Everyone was laughing.
“Mr. Bitto,” I whispered.
He turned to look at me, then his eyes bulged slightly.
“Find a seat, Ava,” he said.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Now’s not the time.”
I looked around, desperate.
“I can talk to one of the other teachers instead. I’m sure they’d be interested in what I have to say.”
His eyes flicked around the auditorium. He was panicking. I turned on my heel and walked out the door before him. I stepped down the stairs and heard his footsteps behind me. For a moment I felt a rush of power. This was too easy. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
It was dark under the stage. The lights only came from the small window in the door behind me. You could hear the presenter’s talk echoing down here and the thumps and shuffles as he moved around on the stage above. It smelled dusty. I wove around the big stage lights and the microphone stands, and then sat on a stack of thick blue exercise mats with my back to the door.
“What is it?” came the soft voice behind me. It didn’t sound as gentle as usual. I didn’t answer, not yet. I needed him to stand in front of me. So they could see his face from the window in the door.
“I thought you had something to say to me?”
“No. I want to show you.”
I heard him sigh and then his footsteps as he walked toward me. Cold sweat prickled my skin.
“Yes?” He was in front of me now. Staring at me. I couldn’t look him in the eye.
“I saw what you did to Mel.”
“I didn’t do anything!” His voice rose slightly and he looked around as if worried someone might hear it. He was so pathetic, yet so ready to put his own gross pleasure first, no matter who it damaged. The world was a dangerous place, I knew that now. People were capable of just about anything. There was no hiding from it.
“No.” I choked the words out. “That’s not it. I liked what I saw.”
He gaped at me. Then, slowly his eyes changed. He looked around again and then back at me in a different way. I reached up, and undid another button of my shirt. He stared at my hand. You could see my bra now. I thought I might vomit.
He was on me in seconds. Kissing my neck. Breathing so loud. Squeezing down on my boob so hard it hurt.
The presenter above was wrapping up his speech: There are so many reasons to choose a career in medicine.
Mr. Bitto’s mouth closed over mine. He pushed his tongue into my mouth, forcing my jaw to open as far as it could go.
Not only does it open countless doors to so many different possible trajectories...
I never thought my first kiss would be like this.
...but it also creates the potential to make a lasting difference to the world, to help others every day and get paid for it!
His hand slid up my thigh.
“Stop it.” I tried to push him off, but he didn’t move. His hand slid up farther. I gripped his wrist with my fingers and rammed him away. But it made no difference. I closed my mouth but his tongue just licked over my lips.
“Stop!” I screamed and kicked out at him. He pulled away, panting. His lips wet with my spit.
* * *
When the others came into the bathroom, my face was red and blotchy. I was rubbing at my skin as hard as I could with wet toilet paper. Sodden lumps already filled the sink. They were marbled red, beige and black from the makeup. It was so heavy and itchy on my skin. I needed to get it all off.
“That was amazing!”
“You rocked!”
“I can’t believe you actually did it!”
Their voices blurred together. I kept going, trying to get the last of the mascara off. It had turned into gray smudges under my eyes. It hadn’t been worth it. Nothing could have been worth that. I felt a hand on my arm. It was Mel’s.
“Thank you,” she said. “Really.”
She meant it. I could tell by the way she was looking at me, with real admiration.
I shrugged. “No big deal.”
5
When we got on the bus I looked just like I had when I’d gotten off that morning. Mel, Saanvi and Cass helped me get the rest of the makeup off and make my hair look the way it had. I had my hoodie back on. No one would know I was the girl in the video.
I walked right by Ashleigh and Ling on my way to the back of the bus. I didn’t even look at them. As I sat down I could feel their eyes on me, but I ignored them. They’d always been better friends with each other than with me anyway. They would get over it.
We huddled into the corner.
I looked up as Mr. Bitto boarded. He smiled at me. Then, his eyes flicked around and his smile fell. Mel, Cass and Saanvi were all staring at him too. Finally, we were united.
“Almost done,” said Cass. She had set up a fake email address and from it had made a fake Facebook and YouTube account.
Theodore turned around. “What are you guys doing?”
“Fuck off, Theo,” Saanvi snapped.
“Just give us one minute and I’ll send it to you,” Mel said softly.
“Whatever.” He turned back around.
“This is going to be so good,” whispered Saanvi.
It went down the bus like a wave. You could tell which row it reached when the voices turned hushed, when heads turned to stare at Mr. Bitto. He was the only one who didn’t notice. He kept chatting away with the bus driver in his mild, low voice. I saw the exact moment when Ashleigh got it. The first thing she did was lean forward and show it to Mrs. Clarke, whose eyebrows shot u
p as her hand went over her mouth.
When the bus pulled into school, everyone was silent except for Mr. Bitto, who was still chatting to the driver. He hadn’t noticed. There was a police car waiting.
Through the window, I watched the policeman talking to the pale-faced principal. I tried to tell myself I’d done the right thing. But now, watching Mr. Bitto get off the bus and walk toward the police car, a panicked smile on his face, I wasn’t so sure. Right or wrong, I’d surely destroyed the man’s life. I tried to swallow the feeling away. He’d deserved everything he got. What I’d done had been justified.
There were only six months left till graduation and this would be the worst thing I’d ever do at high school, and that really wasn’t too bad. That’s how I rationalized it. I think I might have even told myself that it could be the worst thing I’d do, ever.
I wonder if you’ll find that funny? Considering where I am right now, you might consider it ironic. Will you also find it funny how sure I was that my plan had worked? That now that I’d proven myself, I was one of them? How I was envisioning our futures already: marathon phone calls, roommates at uni, drinks every weekend, bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. I had no idea what they were going to do to me.
But then again, I guess we’re not here to laugh, are we? I am here to confess, and you to hear my confession.
Part 2
PATHOLOGICAL LYING
2011
6
Theodore started his day by smoking a cigarette in bed. Maybe he’d seen it in a movie. Or he could have read about one of his favorite authors, Bukowski or maybe Salinger, doing it.
He held the smoke in his mouth, then let it rise above him to the low ceiling. If there was a girl sleeping next to him, which there often was, he’d rub a hand over her naked back or fondle one of her breasts as he smoked. No matter how hungover he seemed, he’d make sure to get up in time for college breakfast, though he’d rarely ask the girl to accompany him. He’d pull on a pair of track pants, no underwear and yesterday’s T-shirt. He’d taken out his piercing by then, and it had left one of his nipples slightly larger and pinker than the other.
The Spite Game Page 3
