“Ava?”
I focused. Eyes clearing, pupils dilating. Among the people weaving past one another in the heavy foot traffic, a woman was standing still. She was staring straight at me, an uncertain expression in her eyes. It was Cass.
“Ava? It’s you, right?”
I wanted desperately to turn and run, but Cass was moving now. She was walking toward me.
“Yeah,” I said, and almost flinched when she threw her arms around me.
“How are you? It’s been forever, hasn’t it?”
“I’m okay.”
Her face was so close to mine. I could see things I hadn’t noticed from a distance. She had the beginnings of a crease between her eyebrows. Her cheeks were not so round. Up close she didn’t look like the girl I had known; she looked like a real person now. An adult.
“Where are you going?” she was saying.
I didn’t know how to answer that. On my left, was the door to the bar where I’d been planning on watching her. On my right was oncoming traffic.
“I was just about to go in here.” She looked at the door, and I wanted to say I know. “I’m meeting someone, but I’m a bit early.”
She never met anyone there; I didn’t know why she was lying. But I also didn’t know why she was here earlier than usual.
“Cool.”
Cool. I hadn’t said that word in a long time, but having her here right in front of me was making me feel small. It was making me feel like I was still that same wretched idiot I had been in high school. I guess I was.
“Look,” she said, “if you’re not in a rush, can I buy you a drink? Just a quick one?”
There was no way I could disappear into the background now. She was looking at me, her face still way too close to mine, too expectant.
“Okay.”
“Great! Would you prefer somewhere else, or is this place okay? I come here all the time.”
I know, I wanted to say, but instead I just went with, “Okay.”
She opened the door and headed in. The noise of the street, the glare of the sun, the scent of rubbish and food and people, was snuffed out. It was dark in there. It smelt of lemon and bleach.
“I’m going to be a bit naughty and get a cocktail. What about you? Can I tempt you?”
I shrugged. “Sure.”
“Great! You get us a table.”
The bar was almost empty. A couple sat near the front, talking quietly. His hand was on her knee, but she had her arms crossed. They were probably breaking up. I chose a table near the back in the shadows, more out of habit than anything else. Sitting down and putting my bag on the floor, I watched Cass. She was chatting pleasantly to the bartender as he shook up the drinks. This was how it was meant to go: she’d sit at the bar, and Evan would come to get a drink. He’d put on the charm and flirt and I’d watch and it would be easy, so easy.
But now Cass was walking toward me, smiling, sitting down next to me. She’d gotten me something blue in a martini glass; it made a clinking sound as she put it down on the wooden table.
“God, you know for a second I’d thought you’d left! I didn’t even remember this back bit was here, and I come here all the time!”
I know, I wanted to say.
“Were you at work today?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “You?”
“Yeah, I’m a psychologist.”
No, you’re not, you’re a school counselor, I wanted to say, but instead I said nothing.
She took a long sip of her drink.
“You know it’s so weird that I ran into you today. It’s Saanvi I’m meeting here later. Remember her?”
My hair prickled. My stomach dropped. Somehow, she must have seen the shift. She took another gulp of her drink, then sucked the liquid from her lip and looked at me.
“Ava—” her eyes were focused on mine “—I’m really glad that I ran into you. To be honest, I’ve been hoping I would see you for a long time.”
“Why?”
“I know school was a long time ago, and you probably can’t remember it, and if you do, you probably don’t want to. But, look, for what it’s worth, I’m really sorry.”
“What do you mean?”
“For everything. I know I wasn’t in that room that night.” She hesitated—shit on someone’s face is a hard thing to mention over cocktails. “You know, at Mel’s dumb party, but still. You were my friend and I knew what happened but I didn’t stick up for you. We bullied you, and it was unforgivable.”
I wanted to hit her. I wanted to grab her hair and pound her forehead onto the table.
“You didn’t bully me.”
She shrugged. “That’s the way I saw it, looking back.”
“Are you still in touch with any high school people? With Mel?”
“Some. Not Mel though. To be honest, I was always terrified of her. Once she left, I realized that I didn’t even really like her that much. So I never made the effort to stay in touch, although it seems like things are working out for her, not that that’s any surprise. She was always the kind of person that you just knew would have an awesome life, you know what I mean?”
I didn’t.
“But if you’re not in touch with her, how do you know things are working out?”
“She’s an actress in Paris! It sounds like a bloody fairy tale. Anyway, what about you? Are you still friends with anyone from school?”
“Not really, no.”
“Yeah, it happens, doesn’t it? Life just goes on and before you know it you’re an entirely different person.”
Cass didn’t seem different to me. She still talked too much when she felt awkward.
“Yeah.” I looked over her shoulder as a rectangle of bright sunlight suddenly fell across us. Evan had just walked through the door. I grabbed the drink and took a sip. My tongue puckered. It was so sour, like I’d just sucked on a lemon.
Cass was still talking, but I was barely listening anymore. “You know I always thought life would be this huge adventure. Like I would live in all these exciting places and do all these amazing things.”
Evan had spotted me, and now he was staring straight at me, confused.
“I thought I’d do something really important, you know? Actually change things, make some sort of difference. But I guess not everyone can be important. It’s just not possible, right? Some people have to just be regular.”
He opened his palms in question, wondering if he should come over, and I shook my head as subtly as I could. He shot me a baffled smile and turned to the barman to order a drink.
“Oh God, I’m boring you, aren’t I? I haven’t even asked you what you’re up to now.”
“You’re not boring me. I know exactly what you mean.”
“Is the drink okay?” she asked.
“Yep,” I said, and forced down another sip.
“God, look, I’ve already finished mine.” She slurped down the last inch. Sunlight lit her up once again, and she turned to the bar and smiled. “I’ll get Saanvi to get me another one.”
She pointed at her empty glass and then made a thumbs-up sign over her shoulder. I turned to look. Saanvi was right there, standing at the bar. In slow motion, she leaned against the bar, watching Evan’s beer being poured. Then she noticed him. She did a double take, then put a hand on his arm and smiled. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Looks like she met someone,” Cass said, following my stare. “He’s pretty cute actually. We shouldn’t interrupt. Oh, I didn’t ask you? Married, single, partnered?”
“Oh,” I said, still staring at Saanvi as she tipped her head back to laugh. She looked so different from the last time I’d seen her. She wasn’t in her uniform of black anymore; she had on a plain white T-shirt and worn-out-looking blue jeans. But it wasn’t just that; there was something changed in the way she held herself.<
br />
“Or divorced,” Cass was saying. “God, it’s possible now, right? I’m actually getting married in two weeks. Isn’t that nuts? Sometimes the idea of it still seems incredible. You know? Being here with you right now, honestly I could be seventeen again.”
“I’m not with anyone,” I said, still watching Evan and Saanvi speak. “Dating a bit, but you know. Not really interested in something serious.”
“Really? That’s so great. All my friends are kind of obsessed with settling down all of a sudden. It’s like a virus. One person got married and now all everyone wants to talk about is moving in with someone, or thinking about children. Not that I’m complaining, God... Imagine if my fiancé could hear me talking like this? Comparing marriage to a virus.”
Saanvi and Evan were making their way over now. Him with a beer in his hand, her with two glasses of white wine.
“Sorry, didn’t get you another cocktail. I’m afraid it’s house white only for me at the moment.”
“That’s fine,” Cass said, slurping down some as soon as the glass was in her hand. Saanvi and Evan squeezed in around our small table.
“This is Evan,” Saanvi said. “We went to uni together.”
He nodded politely at Cass, and then looked at me.
“I’m Cass—” Cass extended her hand to shake his “—and this is Ava.”
“Nice to meet you.” Evan grinned at me.
That’s when Saanvi looked at me. Her smile slid away.
“Ava?”
“Yep!” Cass said to her. “How crazy is it? I bumped into her right outside here. It’s like a high school reunion.”
“You guys went to high school together?” Evan was looking at me with real confusion now. I’d told him Cass was my friend’s girlfriend. I’d told him that she kept cheating on him and then lying about it and I didn’t think it was fair. I’d dared him to help me catch her out and he’d laughed and called himself a femme fatale.
“Yeah,” Saanvi said, “we were all friends for a while in year twelve.”
She looked down at her hands and then back up at me. “How are you, Ava?”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“You look really great.” She eyed my new clothes, my expensive bag.
I didn’t reply. She was uncomfortable, stewing in uncertainty about why I was there. Why I wasn’t yelling at her, or ignoring her or telling her to fuck off. I let her stew.
“We were just catching up.” Cass never liked a silence. “I was saying how it feels like forever ago, but it also doesn’t feel like that long ago either, you know?”
“It seems like another lifetime to me,” Saanvi said. “I can barely even remember it.”
“Did you know Veronica?” Cass asked me. “I heard she’s in Germany now, teaching economics. I always thought she was such a ditz too. And do you remember Miranda? I actually bumped into her the other day and didn’t even recognize her. The girl looked like G.I. Jane. She was in the army for ages, I think, and now I think she’s a cop. God, I was afraid she would arrest me on the spot for what a bitch I used to be to her. And do you remember Theo?”
I looked at Evan, but he didn’t react. I don’t think I’d ever mentioned Theodore’s name, thank God.
“I’d say she probably does,” Saanvi butted in.
“Oh yeah. Right.” Cass’s eyes flickered between us, but then settled back on me. “Apparently he got kicked out of uni and now he’s moved to Thailand. Apparently he’s training to be a monk or something. I always thought he was a bit of a jerk-off to be honest, although I guess everyone was a dickhead in high school.”
“I definitely was,” Saanvi said.
“What are you up to now?” I asked her.
“Yeah, are you still doing architecture?” Evan added, and Saanvi’s face fell. He had no idea he’d put his foot in it but I wanted to kiss him.
“No, I decided it wasn’t for me.”
“Really? I thought you had a good job and stuff?”
“Yeah. I didn’t like the lifestyle.”
“So what are you doing now?”
“I’m working a few days a week in a bookstore and doing some freelance design on the side. Honestly—” she smiled at him, a real smile “—I prefer it. The pace of my life is so different now. Leaving that firm was the best thing I did.”
Liar.
“Which firm did you work for?” I can’t help it.
“King & Dinisen. Just for a few years.”
“Oh.” I cocked my head at her. “Aren’t they the ones who got in all that trouble a few years back? It was in the papers, wasn’t it? Something to do with plagiarism?”
She barely blinks. “Not sure. I’d left by then.”
I kept looking at her, but she turned to Evan.
“What about you?” she asked him. “Are you still working in architecture?”
He looked from her to me. “Yep,” he said.
“God, I think only about five people that I know from then actually still have architecture jobs. Which firm are you at?”
He took a sip of his beer. His Adam’s apple jiggled. When he swallowed, his composure had returned. He tapped his nose. “I’m on a project at the moment, but I can’t really talk about it. It’s all hush-hush.”
“Really? Oh, is it the Women’s Hospital? Or the new RMIT building? God, you can’t keep me in suspense like that.”
She laughed and leaned forward, touching his knee.
“I should go,” I said. “I’m going to be late.”
“What are you late for?” Evan asked. Saanvi’s hand slid slowly from his knee, all four of us watching it.
“I was on my way to meet someone when I bumped into Cass. I should get going.”
“Hey, have we met before?” Cass said suddenly. She was looking at Evan quizzically.
“Don’t think so.”
“Are you sure?”
Fuck. They had, I remembered. They both met him that night they slept over at my house. If Cass can put it together, she’d know something’s up. She’d know Evan was my neighbor.
“I just have one of those faces,” he said. “You know, one of those faces that look like lots of other people’s faces. People say that to me all the time. I bet I must have at least ten doppelgängers out there.”
“Weird,” said Cass, but she was still surveying him carefully.
“I should probably head off too,” Evan said. “I just popped in for a quick one. Me and Ava here seem to have gate-crashed your catch-up.”
“It’s fine!” Saanvi exclaimed. “You can’t leave yet—you haven’t even finished your beer.”
She was right; his pint glass was still half-full.
“Well, I’ve got to go,” I said, and stood. I couldn’t bear to be so close to these people anymore. I needed fresh air, light. The lemony bleach smell was making me queasy.
Cass stood too. She hugged me again and my body went stiff as a board. “It’s been so good seeing you.”
Releasing me, she leaned down and got her phone out of her bag. “I know it’s late notice and all, but if you give me your email address I’d love to send you an invite to my wedding.”
“Really?”
“I thought you’d already put together the seating plans,” Saanvi said, fixing Cass with a dubious look.
“It’s fine. I’d love for you to be there, Ava.” She passed me her phone.
My fingers left sweaty smears on the screen as I keyed my email address in. I gave it back to her and, surreptitiously, she wiped it on her pants.
Outside, the sky was bright, the cars were loud. There was heat on my skin and real air in my lungs. People banged into me as they passed but I didn’t care. My heartbeat was slowing, my hands were starting to steady.
I was almost back to normal by the time Evan caught up to me.
“You were making friends in there,” I laughed tautly. “Did you get her number?”
He didn’t smile. In fact, he was glaring at me.
“What the fuck is going on, Ava?”
41
When I parked back in the driveway, I sat in the car for a while. It was pitch-black outside now. I couldn’t stop thinking of it. The way Evan had looked at me. Not just with anger and annoyance. Also, confusion and something else, maybe pity. He was looking at me in the way I was always afraid he would. Like there was something wrong with me. So I’d just turned and walked away. What else was there to do? I got into my car and drove. I didn’t put on the radio, or music. I let the car be silent as I made my way back to Lakeside. My phone rang—Evan—but I ignored it. There was nothing I could say to explain it away.
I kept seeing his face as I sat there in the dark car, my own breathing sounding loud in the silence. I knew I should get out and go inside, put the lights on, turn up the stereo, cook dinner, read a book. But now, it all seemed so pointless. All of these interests I was trying to force onto myself, all this construction I was trying to do. It wasn’t going to work. I already knew who I was, what I was. There was nothing to be done.
Unclicking my seat belt, I found myself walking away from my dark house. Instead I walked up the hill. The windows of Bea’s house were glowing. As I walked toward the front door I saw into her kitchen window, what had once been Evan’s kitchen window. Bea was standing in front of the stove, her orb-like stomach pressing against the knobs. My mother was sitting at the table, sipping on a cup of tea. They were chatting casually, Bea throwing words over her shoulder, my mother laughing and putting the cup down and sinking back into her chair. I almost turned around and left, but then my mum looked up. Her eyes went wide, half a second of fear crossed her face, and then she smiled and got up. The front door opened.
The Spite Game Page 21
