by Dale, Lindy
“Not really. It hurts so much, Lucy. I sent him away, and he’ll never come back. He’s gone, forever.”
From the other side of the bed, Prue scoffed, “I find that statement hard to believe. I saw the two of you together before Christmas and I saw the way Ben looked at you.”
“That doesn’t matter now does it? Everything’s changed. If he had wanted to see me he would have called when he was here.”
“Maybe he didn’t think it was appropriate.”
“Maybe he’s scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of love, of getting hurt….I don’t know, Bella, but I don’t think you’ve seen the last of him.”
“I don’t want to see him again. He breaks my heart every time.”
“Then you should forget about him.”
“I know, and I’m trying to… Andrew Matthews asked me to go to the movies with him next weekend.”
Lucy hoisted herself up in the bed, her mouth wide open in surprise. The baby and Ben James were forgotten, tossed aside like last season’s skirt. “You’re kidding. He’s gorgeous.”
Prue swooned. “His shoulders are glorious and the way his shirt always hangs out at the back of his trousers makes him look so cute!”
“I know and he’s a good kisser too,” I added.
Lucy’s brow crinkled, “How d’you know?”
“He’s Romeo in the play, you silly. Honestly, Lucy you never change!”
“So, are you gonna go?”
“I guess so.”
“He may be what you need to get over this whole Ben thing.”
***
It seemed natural that Andrew and I became a couple. Romeo and Juliet. Andrew and Bella. And for a while everything was quiet. School was boring. Rehearsals were fun and football on a Saturday afternoon was as predictable as always. Then, about two months later, I heard the song again. I should have known what was coming but, never imagining the impossible could happen, I ignored it.
We were having a celebration party, backstage after the play, and somebody put the song on the stereo. God knows why, but my eyes welled and my lip began to tremble in a rather indelicate way unbefitting my new celebrity status as the star. I tugged on the corner of Andrew’s lacy sleeve and motioned him to put his head towards me.
“I’m going to the toilet,” I said. “My head is aching.” Suddenly, it was bursting. That song was messing with my brain.
“Want me to come?”
“No, I think I can manage these skirts by myself. Stay here, I’ll be back soon.”
He laughed. For the last two weeks, Elizabethan clothing had been the story of our lives and Andrew had proved far more capable putting on his hose than I was with the voluminous skirts and veils.
I found the bathroom and locked the door, drowning out the music. Pressing my forehead against the cold tiles of the wall, I felt my heart pumping fit to explode. Every time I heard that song, it happened. I would think of Ben and the tears would come. I thought I was over him; I had Andrew but no… my heart was only playing tricks again. It wasn’t fair.
After a bit, I wandered outside to get a breath. The night was prickly against my skin but its quiet was relieving to the pounding in my head. Staring into the darkness as I leant on the handrail, I breathed it in, feeling my calm return. Who knew? Maybe my Romeo would be waiting below to sweep my off my feet?
As I watched the twinkling sky, my ears followed the sound of girlish giggling, and I noticed a two heads in the shadows. Craning my neck, I saw the boy’s head bent towards the wall as he whispered into the darkness. The girl’s hand reached up to graze his shoulder and for some absurd reason, I found myself squinting for a better look. It had been a long time since I had felt that tingle of excitement. Andrew was good looking and fun to be with but he just didn’t send those shivers down my spine, not any more, not the way Ben had.
Sensing my gaze, the boy looked around.
“Bella?” he straightened in recognition. “Bella.”
Leaving the girl, he ran along the parapet towards me.
It was that song; that bloody song. Why hadn’t I stayed inside where it was safe? I froze. I looked up at him. His dimpled smile was huge as he reached out to take my hand.
“Ben.” Trembling, I pulled away. My heart was charging around inside me. “What…. What’re you doing here?”
“I came to see you.”
“That’s a lie.” Turning on my heels, I ran down the stairs and into the darkness.
Stumbling between the cars and onto the muddy grass, I cursed the velvet dress that had made me look so ravishing only hours before. The train, dragging along behind me, was a hindrance and my dainty shoes were clogging with mud. My Romeo had emerged from the shadows, but there was nothing romantic about it.
Stopping behind a tree, I fought to gain control of my emotions. It had been easy to convince myself I didn’t love Ben when he was no longer around. I heaved uncontrollably, sinking into the wet grass, collapsing with my head against the rough bark of the trunk.
In an instant, Ben was there, next to me. His arms were around me; soothing me, enveloping me in his love. “It’s alright. Please don’t cry, Bella. ”
“Fuck off!”
He didn’t let go. Instead, he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and he handed it to me.
I sobbed louder.
“What’re you doing here?” I repeated.
“I wanted to see you.”
“Oh, get real, Ben. You had your tongue so far down that girl’s throat you were nearly in China.”
“I wasn’t kissing her. We were talking about the play. Her brother was in it and I said I came to see you. It’s taken me months to work up the courage to come back and then I saw you cuddled up with your boyfriend, in your matching outfits. You looked so happy.”
“Don’t change the subject. You were kissing her.”
Ben was exasperated. “I wasn’t. I was standing out there trying to decide what to do. She came out and we sort of fell into talking. She was laughing about how stupid her brother looked in tights. Something about chicken legs, I think.”
“You weren’t kissing her?”
“No, I was going to leave. I thought you didn’t love me anymore. I didn’t want to spoil your big night.”
Oh good, I thought. Now he was playing the ‘love’ card. Typical.
“But I’m not supposed to love you, remember?”
We sat opposite each other under the tree, unaware that the grass was wet and cold and that the car park was almost deserted, so close in proximity, there was barely even air between us.
“You look pretty hot in that dress, by the way,” he remarked as his grin fell to my chest, which had almost turned blue with cold.
“Your flattery doesn’t work with me anymore, Ben.” Not when I was trying to hate him anyway.
“I wished it was me up there on the stage, kissing you.”
I pressed my lips together. “Maybe you should have considered that before you had sex with Lucy.”
He slammed his palm into the tree. “How many times do you want me to apologise?”
“I waited for you to come back, you know, but you didn’t. After all your promises…”
Gingerly, his hands reached into my lap, until our fingers touched. The attraction was as strong as ever. I could feel it sending sparks between us, igniting the fire that had lay dormant for months.
“I wanted to, but I didn’t think it was right, not so soon after the baby… I made a mistake, but I’m here now.”
“You don’t know how many times I dreamt about this day, Ben. But it’s too late, I’m with Andrew, I can’t just dump him.”
His face leant towards mine. “Why? Are you in love with him?”
I wanted to tell him to mind his business but his lips were almost touching mine and my head was whirling. Why did he want me now? Why did I want him to throw me into the wet grass and kiss me?
“No.”
“Then come back to me.
There’s nothing stopping us from being together now.”
“No.”
“You don’t mean it,” he laughed, as he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to him, kissing me, giving me no chance to refuse. I could feel my body responding. He was right, I didn’t mean it. One kiss and I was having a major sexual meltdown.
I pushed him against the tree. “No, Ben. Can’t you see it’s not meant to be?”
Then Andrew stepped out of the shadows. Even in the dark, I could see the tension in his face. “If I were you, I’d leave her alone.” He stopped beside me, his hand on my forearm. “You okay, Bella?”
“Of course she’s okay. I’d never do anything to hurt her.”
Andrew drew himself tall, trying for all the world to look threatening while wearing tights and a codpiece, but even with his height advantage, it wasn’t an easy task.
“That’s odd, ‘cause that’s not the way I’ve heard the story. You are Ben, right?”
“Yeah. And you must be Romeo. Now, if you’ll give us a minute, Bella and I have a couple of things to discuss.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’ve upset her.”
“I haven’t done anything to her.”
“Then I reckon you should leave. Bella doesn’t want to see you.”
“Don’t you think that’s up to her?”
Ben stood firm. I could see his brow lower and his hands clenching in and out as if he was trying to control himself. His eyes glowered as he dared Andrew to fight.
Raising his fist, Andrew swung once, twice. Ben ducked. But not before he’d landed a good one into Andrew’s ribs. What the hell were they doing? This was ridiculous.
“Please Andrew; Ben didn’t do anything to me. Let’s go.” Taking his arm, I pulled him aside.
He looked at me, hesitating. “Are you sure…”
“I’m positive. Come on.”
As we walked away, I heard Ben call, “Bella!”
Turning my head to face him, I saw his face, begging me to return. “NO, Ben. God, can you just leave it. Please.”
***
A couple of days later, as we got off the bus, I tried to share my thoughts with Prue. It was a silly idea, she always got so dramatic about everything.
“Oh my God, how exciting!” she squealed, throwing her arms into the air and sending a hundred dollars of Levi Strauss to a fate worse than death in the gutter. “I wish I’d seen it. Fancy having two guys fighting over you!”
“It’s not a joke. Ben looked like he was going to murder Andrew.”
“Were you scared?”
“No. I was surprisingly calm, well, on the outside anyway.”
“So, what happened next?”
“Well, I sort of stopped them fighting and then Andrew and I left. But you should have seen Ben, he looked so sad; I almost wanted to give in.” I sighed, the memory of Ben’s face, bittersweet, imprinted in my mind.
“Well, why didn’t you, you dope? You two are meant to be together.”
For the rest of the block, neither of us said a thing but we were on the same train of thought and it was hollering down the track to loneliness. I was pathetic. I was scared. And worst of all, I loved Ben more than I ever had.
At last, Prue broke the silence. “I think you’re scared of getting hurt.”
“I think so too.”
We’d rounded the corner into my street, where Ben sat waiting on the bonnet of his car. “Your mother told me you were out. I’ve been waiting a long time.”
Prue looked like she’d seen a ghost, I’d never seen her move so fast. “I’ll just leave you to it, shall I?”
I struggled to stay calm. Once again, Ben had shown up and I was tingling all over. “Aren’t you meant to be catching a plane or something?”
“I thought we might be able to have a conversation without lover boy around.”
“I can’t talk now, Ben. Prue’s waiting and she doesn’t like anything to come between her and afternoon tea.”
I pushed past him and walked down the drive to where Prue sat on my front porch. He followed, grabbing my elbow and spinning me towards him. “Don’t go inside. We need to talk.”
Prue went inside and closed the front door behind her. I sat down on the step, determined not to give, staring sulkily out to the garden. How dare he come back and demand my heart. What right did he have?
“Look at me, Bella.”
How could I? If I looked I would fall. “What do you want?”
“I want you.” Simple as that, no preamble, no apology.
“But I’m with Andrew.”
He leant over and, for the second time in as many days, pulled me into his arms, kissing me without remorse. My lips burnt beneath his and as he thrust his tongue into my mouth, I fell into the pit of desire. Temptation could never feel as sweet. As his lips left mine, he took my senses with them.
“Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll leave,” he said.
I couldn’t. It would have been a lie.
“Come back to me.”
“But long distance romances never work.” What was I saying? It wasn’t the long distance thing. It was the whole relationship scenario. I just wasn’t good at it. In fact, I stunk.
“We’ll make it work. I need you.” His hands were on my shoulders and his lips were against my neck and I wanted him to touch me, to fondle and caress. Oh, I wanted so much more.
“I’ll never see you.”
“You can fly down in the holidays. I’ll pay. Or I’ll come to you; we’ll work it out somehow. Please say yes.” His enthusiasm was contagious. His smile was infectious. I could feel myself weakening.
“Yes.”
Once again, Ben had charmed his way back into my life. David Cassidy was a prophet.
Chapter 11
MOONDANCE
When you come my heart will be waiting
to make sure that you’re never alone
there and then all my dreams will come true dear
there and then I will make you my own
Van Morrison
The heat of the summer of 1981 was oppressive. I’ve never been into sweat and beads of the stuff dripped down my body and stained my metallic bikini bottoms on a daily basis. The only relief was to lie in the pool listening to my new man, Van Morrison. Somewhere, in the depths of the stereo cabinet, hiding amongst the alphabetised and dusty collection that my parents never played, I came across some old albums with songs I knew, so I got them out and made a mix-tape of all my favourites.
After two weeks of holidays, I was so bored I considered starting on the English reading list for Year 12. Ben was in Melbourne. Prue and Tim had gone away with their parents for the Summer and Jen had a part time job sweeping up hair at the beauty salon on the corner. She didn’t want to go out, preferring to stay at home and pine for Tim when she wasn’t working. Lucy and I hadn’t spoken since she’d found out about Ben and I being back together and I didn’t think we would ever speak again. I was all alone.
But even though I was soggy with boredom I didn’t care, for there were only two days to go until the summer became worth living. Mum and Dad had invited Ben to come on our family holiday, while he was on a break. I suppose they were trying to make me happy or maybe they wanted to keep an eye on me but I didn’t care about the reason. Ben and I could spend the rest of the summer at the beach, swimming, surfing and kissing. I couldn’t wait to see him and hold him.
We’d been spending our summers in Cuttlefish Bay for as long as I could remember. Us kids had grown up together there and the adults had spent many happy hours around the campfire at night. At Cuttlefish Bay, I wasn’t Annabelle the unsure flat-chested teenager; I was Bella the surfie chick. At Cuttlefish Bay, the other kids thought I was hip because I was an individual, not a clone of my peers. I surfed with my brother and fished off the rocks with Dad. I invented new ways to bake campfire potatoes. I went for days without a shower, bathing only in the river, wore beads in my hair and painted my nails in colourful str
ipes. I was no longer invisible, I was cool.
On the morning Ben arrived, I played tour guide. I was excited about sharing a part of my life with him.
“You’re not the same girl here as you are in the city,” he said, as we sat side by side on the cliff, looking out to the ocean. He picked up my hand and examined my nails, which on that day were pink, blue and green polished stripes. “You look so different, not my sweet baby at all.”
“I hope it’s a good change.”
“You look like a woman,” he whispered.
Jumping up, I grabbed his hand, “Come on, I want to show you the creek, it has a great swimming hole. It’s filled to the brim this year and there’ll be no one around. Get your stuff and I’ll pack us some lunch.”
Before long, we were lying on the rocks surrounded by a circle of tall eucalypts, standing silent without the breeze to shake their leaves. The sun beat down on us as we lay, towels spread close.
“How am I going to keep my hands off you for three whole weeks?” Ben moaned, as he stroked the soft skin down my side.
“You’ll just have to do the best you can, Tiger,” I said, adjusting the top on my bikini to give my boob a little more sun.
Ben’s eyes sparked as if he wanted to rip the bikini off and see just how far down my tan really went. “You’re not making it any easier by doing that. You look like one of those sirens from Greek mythology; lying in wait on the rocks, enticing me to drown in the pool of love.”
Unexpectedly, he leapt up and walked to the edge of the pool. “I’m hot. I think I’ll go for a swim.”
He dived into the deepest part of the water and I could see him shiver as it’s chill hit the heat of his skin.
“What’s the water like?”
“It’s cold but it feels good. You coming in?”
“Will you keep me warm?”
“Could I resist?”
I stood up and walked to the side of the pool, diving in. The bubbles rushed up my nose as I swam deep under the water, surfacing close to Ben’s face. My cheeks and eyelashes were dewy and I blinked the droplets away.
“Hi.”
A wave of self-consciousness came over me as I stared into his eyes. I could feel the nervousness knotting up my stomach. It was as if we were meeting all over again. I was Brooke Shields and he was Christopher Atkins and the Blue Lagoon was the only thing between us. I stared at his mouth, beaded with water and turning blue from the cold, and I traced a finger over it, longing for my lips in that tender place.
