by Dale, Lindy
The closeness of the room was stifling and with the heat generated between us, I was convinced I was going to explode with desire at any minute. My body was inventing a rhythm all of it’s own as his hips rubbed against me and his hands slid over my bottom. I ached and burnt as he squeezed my arse and my heart had jumped somewhere into my throat as we danced but neither of us made a move. Almost orgasmic with excitement, I was convinced that if he didn’t do something soon I was going to die.
To my great relief the dance ended, at last. How I’d ever thought I could take him on at his game was beyond me. Even for all the experience I’d had, I suddenly felt the novice.
“That was good, thanks,” I said.
“I know you like to dance,” he replied.
Oh shit. He was doing the innuendo thing. I gulped. It was either rise to the challenge or let him swamp me.
“Mmm, but it makes me so hot.”
He laughed. “Seems you’re not as innocent as you use to be, Pussycat.”
I watched Ben finish his beer, wondering what he would do next. His eyes had taken on a determined look as he put down his empty glass and stepped towards me, invading my personal space in the most delicious way. This was it. This was what I’d waited for since the day he came back into my life. I felt his hand slide over my shoulder, to twist in the hair at the back of my neck as he moved even closer and pushed me into the curtained wall.
“Is this what you came for?” he whispered, his breath hot against my lobe.
God, do it, I thought, kiss me. I could hardly breathe.
His other hand captured my hip, pushing me further into the blackness as he rest against me. “Don’t play games with me, Bella. You know I always win.”
Maybe in your mind, I thought, but not this time. This time I was achieving my heart’s desire. A little quicker than I’d imagined, but I was a winner all the same.
“It’s not a game.” I sucked in a breath, as his hand pressed hard against my hip and his body leant along the length of mine.
“Then what do you want?” he asked, again.
“I want you.”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
His mouth was on mine, his lips fiercely claiming me, moving, pressing against my mouth, awakening something in me I never dreamed I’d have again. I closed my eyes and gave myself to him.
“Oh, Ben,” I gasped, as the tears ran down my face and I leant into his body trying to absorb myself in him. All I wanted was for him to kiss me in the dark, to make me his, forever.
Pulling the heavy black curtain around us, he shielded us from the world. He plunged into my mouth again, his kiss filled with the desperation I felt. The room faded into oblivion, replaced by a hot dark space where our lips met and slid across each other’s. The people no longer existed. The band was no more than a jumble of sounds, for all I could hear was the pounding of my heart and his huskiness in my ear.
“I want you so much….”
I trembled. Nothing mattered except that moment when he kissed me and I kissed him back. Again and again and again.
At last, he stopped. His eyes were glassy in the blackness and his face was flushed.
“I think we should continue this elsewhere,” he murmured. “Let’s go home.”
***
Next to me, Ben lay asleep with the sheet tossed across his torso, barely covering parts of his body I’d come to know again over the last five or six hours. The sun was streaming through the bedroom window and shining onto his profile, sending hints of light through his white blonde hair. I gazed at his chest, bare and firm with only a small smattering of hair. Funny, he’d never had hair on his chest the last time… but that had been years ago and even though he had professed to be a man he had been a boy. His broad shoulders lay relaxed on the mattress, his arm bent in sleep, in the position where I had lay until I woke. This wasn’t a dream, Ben was in my bed.
With the tip of my finger I reached over to caress his cheek. His lashes, dark against his tan, fluttered as he stirred and woke. Registering his surroundings, he looked at me and grinned, his voice was groggy.
“Morning, Pussycat.” He rolled onto his side and pulled me against him.
“Sleep well?”
“Like a baby. You?”
“Not a dream in sight.”
“Not even of me?”
“That wasn’t a dream, tiger. It was real… at least I think it was.”
He rolled further and smothered my face with kisses. “Let me show you how real it was….”
Climbing out of bed a couple of hours later, I pulled Ben’s woollen jumper over my body, and headed for the kitchen for a glass of water. My new U2 album was laying on the floor next to stereo, so putting it on the turntable, I set the needle to the record. Reaching the bedroom as Bono began to sing, I found Ben awake with his hands resting behind his head. I walked over to the bed, and stood beside it, looking down.
“Nice.”
“Is that all you can say? Nice? I thought I looked pretty damn good for a guy who’s gone ten rounds with Venus.”
“Why, thank you.”
Ben beamed up at me, his bed hair making him look even more attractive and I melted all over again. “Is that my jumper?”
“It was the closest thing I could find.”
“Looks better on you, anyway,” he laughed, as he crawled across the bed and knelt up to kiss me. His hands clutched my bottom and a glint of devilishness lit up his eyes. “Actually, you look quite cute.”
He laughed and flopped back onto the bed. I snuggled into his arms. Through the open door, the music was playing softly and his head cocked.
“U2?” he asked.
“Mmm. I love them.”
We lay for a long time, content, unmoving until, at last, I realised I had to face the thing that I’d been trying to forget for all the years we’d been apart. The drugs and sex, the drinking had not been enough to diminish the way I felt. Ben was my life. I couldn’t deny it.
“It’s true, Ben.”
“What’s true?”
I sat up on my haunches beside him. “The words of the song. All I want is you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I love you more than the whole world.”
Ben was silent. His face was calm but his eyes began to well up. He looked as if he would cry.
“You’re meant to be happy when a girl tells you she loves you, not start blubbering,” I faltered. “That’s my job.”
He pulled himself to his knees and cupped my face in his hands. “I am happy.”
I searched his face. He was lying. He wasn’t happy. He was upset. “Then why do you look like your dog died?”
“Because I’ve waited five years to hear you say that. I can’t believe you’ve finally realised.”
He placed the smallest of kisses on my mouth. My lip wobbled. Damn him. Now I was going to cry. “What do you mean? I don’t understand.”
“Don’t you remember what I said the last time I saw you, before I went back to Melbourne?”
I looked at him. Was this a trick question? I could remember practically every conversation we’d ever had. They were scripted into a romantic comedy inside my head with the perfect soundtrack of love songs.
“Of course, I remember. You said you loved me but I told you to go. I didn’t want you back. You hurt me a lot.”
“No, not at Tim’s wedding. At the hospital, after the overdose.”
I struggled with comprehension. The only memory I had from that time was of Mum and Dad looking peaked and worn as they sat by my bed. “You weren’t at the hospital.”
“I was. You opened your eyes and spoke to me. You smiled and said you missed me.”
I had missed him. I’d missed him every day he’d been gone but none of this made any sense. It was all part of the realisation that I loved Ben and couldn’t live without him. It wasn’t real. “But that was a dream…?”
“No. I was there. Your Mum rang me and I flew in straight away. I sat with you for three days.”
/> “It wasn’t a fantasy, then?”
“No.”
“Not even the part where you jumped on the hospital bed and we had wild makeup sex?”
Ben smiled. “I think that part was a dream but we can play doctors and nurses if you like.”
I sat for a moment and let it all sink in. It was hard to comprehend that what I’d thought for all this time was really true. Tangled memories flirted with my brain. “You said you’d love me forever but you wouldn’t come back to me unless I asked you to.”
“Yes.”
I straddled Ben’s lap and wrapped my arms around him, laughing, though not sure if in delight or hysteria. “I thought it was my subconscious trying to tell me something. I thought it was a dream.” Then I stopped. “Did you mean it?”
“Every word.”
“And you won’t accept anything less?”
His face was serious. “No.”
“Well, I s’pose you leave me no choice.”
He sat still, waiting, not even breathing.
Gathering my thoughts I gazed into his beautiful blue eyes, “I love you Ben, I want you back, and I never want you to be without you again.”
He laughed and pushed me back to the pillow. “You won’t, Pussycat. All I want is you.”
Chapter 23
NEVER TEAR US APART
Don’t ask me what you know is true
Don’t have to tell you, I love your precious heart
I was standing, You were there
Two worlds collided and they will never tear us apart
INXS
Our love was new. It was new all over again, like we’d met for the first time, and to the dismay of everyone who knew us we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. My fingers would regularly be caught seeking his, roaming his thigh or rubbing against his arm. I wanted to squeeze him and hold him. I wanted to have sex all the time. Ben was no better. He was like a giant octopus, grabbing and cuddling me at every opportunity, whispering endearments in my ear or against my hair.
“Is that you?” Ben asked, as we lay in bed late one afternoon.
My stomach let out a replying growl.
“All this sex is making me ravenous,” I giggled.
“Let’s go down to the strip and get something.”
“All right, but I’d rather stay home and eat you.”
Dressed and holding hands, we wandered down to the parking bay where Ben’s black convertible was parked in front of my car.
“Can I drive?” I asked, jumping into the driver’s seat and fingering the wheel.
“No way,” he said, as he lifted me over and deposited me into the passenger seat.
“Why not? I love your car. It’s so cute.”
“Cars are not cute and you’re the worst driver I’ve ever seen. There’s no way you’re getting your hands on this baby.” He turned the key in the ignition and closed his eyes for a second listening to the rhythmic purr of the engine.
“One day you’ll change your mind.”
“Yeah,” he laughed, “and one day Miss Universe will give me a private swimsuit show.”
“Not while I’m alive.”
He directed the car out into the traffic. “That goes ditto for you driving this car, Pussycat.”
***
The cramps came on at eleven that night, a ferocious gnawing in my stomach, a drumming of my insides, like nothing I’d ever experienced. I shouldn’t have been surprised; Ben had said I’d eaten like a pig at dinner. Clutching my stomach, I curled into the foetal position, willing the vomit to stay put.
Rising to sit on the edge of the bed, the feeling got worse. My heart thumped and I felt dizzy. I looked over to where Ben was sleeping soundly beside me, his white golden hair was tangled on the pillow, his face peaceful. I was loathed to wake him by crawling from the bed but the twisting spasms were more than I could handle. I ran for the bathroom.
As I climbed back into bed, Ben stirred.
“Bel’?”
“Mmm. Stomach ache,” I said curling into his arms. “Go back to sleep.”
“I love you,” he murmured, already half asleep “and one day I’m going to marry you.”
“It’s only been a few days, marriage is a lifetime,” I whispered back. The idea, while romantic, was downright ridiculous. People didn’t know those sorts of things after a few days. Did they?
I stared into the dimness of early morning light, “How do you know?”
“Because I do. One day we’ll get married and you’ll be mine, forever.”
“I already am. I have been since the moment we met.”
I reached over and pressed a button on the clock radio to check the time. 97FM was on. Never Tear Us Apart was playing and Ben’s hand reached out for mine. I knew what he was thinking without him saying a word. I knew, because I was thinking it too.
“No matter what happens,” he said, “I’ll never leave you. I love you more than the world.”
It was comforting to know how he felt but life had a way of dishing out shit where I was involved and sometimes the pile was just too high to get over. Nothing lasted forever, not even the popularity of Michael Jackson.
“You shouldn’t make promises about the future,” I said. “We could be dead tomorrow.”
“If you die, I’m going with you. I won’t let you go again.”
“That’s very Shakespearean of you, but who would look after the children? Do you want them to be orphans?” I teased.
“I don’t want children, all I want is you.”
“But what if I were pregnant now?”
“But you’re not,” he said, letting his hand play under the doona.
“But what if I was?”
“Then we’d need to do something about it,” he said as he trailed kisses along my cheek. I could tell he wasn’t into the conversation. He was trying to distract me.
“I didn’t say I don’t want babies, ever. I just don’t want to share you with anybody, especially a screaming baby who’ll take up all your time. I want to make love to you all night long with no interruptions.” He bent his head to my stomach and pulled my singlet up to lick around my navel. “Besides, think of all the fun we can have practicing.”
I winced. It hurt where he nibbled along my torso. It made me feel crampy and nauseous all over again. “Well, in that case we’ll need loads of practise because I want our children to be perfect,” I whispered.
Chapter 24
LIVE TO TELL
A man can tell a thousand lies
I’ve learnt my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned
Till then
It will burn inside of me
Madonna
A month or so later Ben, Prue, Justin and I were sitting in the theatre bar of the Regent, waiting for Coops, Phil and Leigh to arrive. We had tickets for an evening performance of the musical Phil had done the set designs for. It was a far cry from the lanky private school boy I’d met in my first days at Uni. He was successful and happy, his future bright. Ben, now nicknamed ‘the octopus’, was as usual, all over me like a rash and Prue, while happy for us was utterly revolted by our constant need for each other.
“Will you two please stop it with the kissing and stuff. It’s nauseating to have to watch it every minute of the day,” she said, screwing up her nose.
“Sorry,” I smirked, “but it’s no worse than you’ve been in the past.”
“When? In 1980? I don’t think high school counts.”
Justin looked up from the bio he was reading in the show program. “Phil’s head is never gonna fit through the door after this, guys,” he said. “Have you read this review?”
“He’ll be like that guy who had to be cut out of his house because he was too fat to get out, except it will be his head not his body,” I laughed.
At that moment, Phil walked through the door. “Geez, stab me in the back as soon as I’m out of the room,” he joked, pulling up a stool and motioning Leigh to sit
.
Coops, who’d followed the pair, leant across. His lips were cold on my cheek. “Bella,” he said.
I reached up, kissing his cheek. “It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you,” I said. I could feel the tension in his body as I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. We needed to be friends again. Our whole relationship depended on the way he behaved towards Ben and I watched intently as he reached out to shake Ben’s hand.
“Ben.”
“Hey, Coops.”
He settled onto a stool next to Justin. His face was thinner and paler, his eyes shaded with brooding circles. He didn’t look like my Coops at all.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Better. You?”
“I’m great, things are great.”
Coops looked at me critically. “You’re very pale.”
I sighed. “Honestly, I’m fine. I’ve been having a bit of trouble sleeping, that’s all.”
Coops nodded and stared across the bar like a sulky child as if to signal the conversation was over. I gazed into my drink. Why did he have to make it so hard? I wasn’t going to drop Ben. Not even if Richard Gere himself came walking in.
A dinner-suited usher came to the door, ringing the large theatre bell. Five minutes till curtain up. Phil stood and put his glass on the bar. “Let’s go guys.”
“Oh my God, Phil, this is awesome,” I said, hopping down from my stool. “Oh gosh.”
I held my head as a wave of dizziness rippled through me.
Ben was at my side. “Bella?”
“I’m alright. I must’ve got up too quickly.” Since Uni days, I had been prone to occasional bouts of nausea and illness but I’d never done anything about it. I put it down to a side effect of my drug use. “I’ll just go to the ladies…..”
“I’ll go with her,” Prue said.
As soon as the toilet door was shut, she turned on me. “What’s going on with you? Coops is right. You look like crap.” Her eyes were like globes. “Oh…my…God! You’re pregnant.”
