by Dale, Lindy
“Did you love him a lot?” I asked.
“Yes. He was very handsome and quite dashing. A little like your Ben really. I still love him. He’s a wonderful man.” Wonders would never cease. I’d been under the impression for my entire life that Mum only tolerated Dad. That she stayed with him because it was expected and that they’d developed a sort of cohabitation where they got along just fine, as long as she got her way. I never thought she loved him. Displays of affection were as rare as junk food in our family.
“Please don’t say anything when Ben rings. I’ll give him a call when I’m ready.”
“I won’t. But don’t wait too long. He sounds like his patience is wearing thin.”
I didn’t call. I couldn’t.
***
The afternoon was cold and blustery but I took my beanie and rain jacket, deciding to go for a walk along the beach. Wrapped up against the chill of the sea breeze and looking like a beached whale in my layers of clothing, I set off along the sand. The waves were pounding the shore, their angry white caps foaming as they crashed. The sky was heavy with clouds and the seagulls were looking flustered as they flew in circles searching for shelter, a gaggle of screeching white dots against the moody sky. A storm was brewing.
I started walking towards the lighthouse, glad to be in the fresh air and feeling somewhat like my old self again. The morning sickness was waning, and the symptoms of my illness were lessening though I was still tired. Outwardly, there was no real clue to the pregnancy but my stomach, though still flat, felt different somehow. It was weird to think there was a tiny person growing in there. A little human being that Ben and I had made together with our love.
I’d been wandering along the sand for about twenty minutes, give or take a few, my earphones on and my walkman turned up to the max playing a copy of that Blondie album Ben and I had loved years before. It was one of my favourites, the songs timeless and so evocative of that period in my life. The time when the most I had to worry about was if I could have that new skirt, or what we were going to do on a Saturday night. It seemed like an age ago. Now I had far more pressing issues on my mind.
Debbie Harry began to croon, ‘In the Flesh’ and I thought of Ben. Did he wonder why I’d disappeared into the night, like a Vegas magician doing a vanishing act? In the back of mind, that voice reminded me that he’d said he’d never leave, that nothing could be so bad that would keep us apart again. But that was before. Before I’d become a one-woman disaster zone. A silent tear rolled down my cheek. How could I ever tell him that I wasn’t the angel he thought me to be? I was used and broken. There were so many other nice girls in the world and he could take his pick. They all loved him. Without a sound, I dropped to the sand and wept, crying for what might have been if I’d been more sensible when I was younger, if I’d only listened.
After a while, I sat up and looked around. The sky had grown darker, almost charcoal, and the clouds were threatening to burst. I stood up and brushed myself down, wiping the sand from my knees and legs, ready to head back along the beach. I walked to where the ocean was sending its salty spray over the rocks, its brackish scent filling the air. The kelp swirled and coiled beneath the water, like a maiden’s hair in the wind. It would’ve been so easy, so final, to throw myself in and drown, captured in the tendrils of seaweed, but I didn’t. Somehow I had to get through it, like I had every other time. As I looked along the beach, I saw a slim figure walking towards me. It was only speck, a tiny dot in the distance but I knew it was him. He’d found me.
By the time Ben reached me, the heavens had opened, sending torrents of rain onto the sand. I was crying but he couldn’t tell, the rain was the perfect foil for my tears.
“Go away.”
“No.”
I started to walk past him but he seized my elbow.
“What the fuck are you playing at?” he screamed, over the crashing of the waves. “Do I mean so little to you, that you would up and leave without a word?”
My heart twisted. Of course not. I loved him too much to ever leave but I couldn’t stay. “I needed to be alone.”
He grabbed my shoulders. “Why? What’s going on? I thought you were dead.”
“I may as well be.”
His face was quizzical.
“Get out, now, Ben. Find another girl to love, one who deserves you.”
“Is this about the drugs? You know I don’t care.” He pulled me to him and tried to kiss me but I couldn’t let him. I pushed him away.
“Stop. Don’t touch me. You can’t touch me ever again.”
He crushed me tighter as I pummelled his chest, trying to escape. “Why?”
“Just go away, I don’t want you anymore.”
“No,” he screamed, shaking me. “Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
“I have Hep B. It’s contagious and I’ve probably given it to you. There. Satisfied?” I looked at the foam creeping onto my shoes. The tide was starting to turn and the waves were washing around our ankles, soaking our already wet clothes even more. I didn’t move. What did it matter? Ben was going to leave me.
His arms fell to his side. “How?”
“When I was at Uni. The guy I was seeing was a heroin user; he was infected. He came to see me a few weeks ago. He has HIV.”
“Did you shoot up with him?”
“No, but there’s lots of ways to contract Hep B. I was no angel.” This was it. I was driving him away for eternity.
His golden skin became transparent, devoid of colour. “Do you have HIV?”
“No.”
“Do you have AIDS?”
“No.”
“You’re not going to die?” The furrow on his brow smoothed and his shoulders relaxed. He stepped towards me, his chest close to mine.
“Not from Hep B but maybe from liver disease or the sudden change of lifestyle. I had to give up drinking and smoking for good.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.” He took my hand in his.
“I’m sick Ben, I could be sick for the rest of my life. I used drugs, I drank until I couldn’t stand and vomited on my own clothes. I treated my friends like shit. I slept around, I did the most disgusting things. I’ve probably ruined your life too. How could you want me after that?”
He kissed my forehead. “I told you. Nothing will ever tear us apart. I don’t care about the past, I only want you.”
“But…”
“No buts.”
The rain had stopped and we began to walk up the sand towards the cottage. There was a but, I thought, and in about six or seven months it would be a very large one.
“I’m pregnant.”
He stopped in the sand, his mouth open to speak.
“Before you say anything I want you to know that I won’t be mad at you if you want to go.”
“You’re having our baby?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, Bella,” he laughed, grabbing me and swinging me in the sand until I fell with his body covering mine. I was confused. Ben had said only weeks before that children weren’t on his list for a very long time. Why wasn’t he running for dear life?
“You’re not mad?” I asked as he nipped at my lips, making me feel more alive than I had in weeks.
“No. A baby…A baby that we’ve made together.” Lovingly he placed his hand on my stomach. His lips lay against mine. “Can you feel it?”
I curled my arms around his neck and snuggled against him. The wet sand underneath my back didn’t register. “Not yet, in a few weeks, maybe. I thought you didn’t want children.”
“I didn’t after the whole Lucy thing but I can see now it was because I felt trapped. I never loved her. I looked after her because I felt I had to. Besides her breasts were far too big.”
“Mine could become enormous. What’ll you do then?”
“Ha. I think that’s one fantasy we both know’ll never eventuate, but whatever, I’m here.”
That was what I was afraid of.
“You don’t h
ave to look after me. I don’t want you to stay because you feel you have to. Your life’ll be so much easier if you go. I won’t hate you for it.”
He picked at a lock of my hair, twisting it in his fingers, his eyes deep in thought. “It may be easier but it’d never be as good. And I like a challenge. If I didn’t, I would’ve given up after the first time you said ‘no’ to me.”
The sun had come out and the wind had pushed the clouds away. A glorious rainbow was circling the sky. It was a sign, I could feel it.
“It’ll be difficult.”
“You’re the most difficult girl I know. What’s going to change?”
“I’ll have to have treatment and there’s a chance it won’t work. The baby’s going to need special care after the birth; it might even be born with the virus. You’ll need to be vaccinated too, if you’re not infected already.”
He kissed me again. His lips were warm and reassuring. “Are you trying to get rid of me? Don’t you think I can handle it?”
“I want you to know. I want you to be sure of why you’re staying.”
“I am sure. I’m staying because I love you and no matter what happens, we can get through it if we’re together. Besides I have a bet to win.”
I frowned.
“I bet Justin on the night I met you again, that we’d get married. You’re not going to let me down are you? It’s worth a couple of hundred.”
“That depends.”
“On?”
Rolling away, I took his hand and led him up the path to the cottage. Parked on the grass was his BMW. “On when you let me drive that car of yours. You know that little black convertible does things to me.”
Rattling in his pocket, he produced a set of keys and threw them in my direction. “Guess we better get started then, but drive slowly. I’ve had enough excitement today to last me for a very long time.”
I jumped into the driver’s seat and turned the key in the ignition. The radio blared to life. “Were you singing Bon Jovi again?” I joked, as I pressed the button switching from radio to cassette.
“Nope, very old Neil Young,” he answered.
I never did get to drive that car. I was too busy sobbing.
Epilogue
1989 - One Fine Day
It was the way I’d imagined it would be but without the church or the three bridesmaids or the big white dress. The sunset was magical, washing over the ocean in a mist of amber, gold and violet with not a cloud in the sky. I walked along the sand and down to the water’s edge, with a posy of white roses in one hand and his tiny hand in the other. Our little joy. His golden hair and smile so like his father’s, his little face so trusting as he smiled up into mine and made my life complete.
As we reached the water’s edge, I saw them turn and smile, their faces glowing with happiness. All the people I loved most in the world –
Mum, “Why you couldn’t have a normal church wedding is beyond me….”
I sighed.
Dad, “At least we won’t have to fork out a fortune for some huge reception.”
I smiled.
Prue, “Oh my God – sob - I can’t stop crying - sniff.”
I handed her the hankie I’d bought with me for that very purpose.
Justin, “You look beautiful.”
My smile grew.
Phil, “No, you look stunning.”
I kissed his cheek.
Coops, “I love you, Bella.”
I hugged him and told him I loved him too. I always would.
And Nick, “We could pop into the sand dunes for a quickie, Cara. You’re not married yet.”
I punched his forearm and he pinched my bum.
Ben was there too, waiting for us, his shoulders silhouetted against the setting of the sun. On those shoulders, he carried my pain and all I burdened him with, but in his heart he carried my love. He was, and always would be, my Lancelot. My saviour. The man I cherished above all others, no matter what I’d done before. I smiled my most glorious smile for his eyes only. I reached him and a tear came to my eye as I realised that I was truly blessed to have everything I ever wanted. My happiness was absolute. He smiled back and passed his finger gently over my cheek.
“You look like an angel,” he whispered, as he touched the heart of glass I wore about my neck, the heart he had given me on my sixteenth birthday.
“You don’t look too bad yourself.”
“I told you we’d get married one day,” he beamed.
“I should’ve listened.”
“Ready?”
I nodded and gave my flowers to Prue.
Together we stepped towards the celebrant, holding hands, me on the left, Ben on the right and our son in the middle. Together, we made the vows and lasting commitment, although the promise of undying love had been made on the night we first kissed all those years ago. Ten years ago to the day. Nothing could keep us apart, nothing had. We were meant to be together.
Later, they played that song and we danced. It had taken me months to find it, lost in the mountain of records and tapes that travelled with me everywhere I went. It was our song. The song that always reminded me of Ben…. One Fine Day…. I knew that one day he’d want me for his girl.
My life is like a song. A warm and tender love song that makes you cry. Only this time I’m crying tears of joy.
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