“Oh my god.”
I stagger to the wall to keep myself from falling. Talan has his arms around me at once, lifting me easily and carrying me into the great room where he sets me on one of the soft leather couches. He goes into the kitchen and brings back a glass of water that he sets in front of me. Sitting next to me, he watches as I collect myself. How could I be so stupid?
Everything has an explanation.
Mom’s voices rings in my head like a bell. I let assumptions and uneducated guesses steer me away from Talan. I jumped to conclusions without finding out for myself from the source what really happened. I didn’t even give him a chance. I just pushed him away, thinking the worst. I was set to repeat Mom’s mistakes, giving up the one I love because I didn’t have all of the facts.
“I am so sorry.” I am finally able to speak over the ramifications of what could have been had he not sought me out and forced me to listen. “Oh my god, I am so sorry.” Tears pool in my eyes, hoping against all hope that he will be able to forgive me, to move on and maybe give me another chance. I could only hope to get so lucky.
“Baby, I’m sorry I didn’t make you tell me this sooner. I let a month go by without knowing why you had pushed me away. I let you do it, even though I promised Lisa I wouldn’t. I’m an idiot. I wasted so much time I could have spent with you.”
He pulls me into his chest, his arms trapping me there in the warmth of his embrace. My head is pressed against his heart, the whoosh whoosh thump a familiar sound that welcomes me home. I fist his shirt and squeeze my eyes shut.
“Can you forgive me? I understand if you don’t want to be with me again, but I need your forgiveness.”
Talan pulls away to look at me incredulously. “Why wouldn’t I want to be with you? You’re all I fucking think about, night and day. I’m a sick fuck that’s been sleeping with your panties under my pillow. I’ve been an asshole to everyone I work with since you left me.” He smiles and shakes his head before he takes my hands in his. “Of course I forgive you. How can I not? You make me whole, Bliss. I didn’t even know I was missing anything until I met you. When you were gone, I felt like I had lost a part of myself, the part that made me live.”
“Jeez, make me cry already.” I laugh as I swipe at a tear that wants to slide down my cheek. He laughs with me, the tension finally gone from his shoulders.
“Pat, don’t rub, you’re going to ruin your makeup,” he says, the smile on his face something I store away in my heart this very instant. I love that smile.
“You remembered,” I say with a soft smile. “I started wearing waterproof makeup ages ago, so I wouldn’t have that problem. I think you deserve positive reinforcement for that little gem, though.” I grab his shoulders and pull myself up to straddle his lap. I hold his face in my hands for a moment, memorizing every inch. It feels so freaking good to have him in front of me, his eyes devouring me in return. I take in his beautiful eyes that pierce me right through to my heart. My very soul seems to sigh in recognition, having my own missing piece back.
I press my lips to his tenderly, enjoying the supple softness. His hands find my thighs, gently massaging at first, but soon gripping me as I deepen the kiss, parting his lips and sucking his tongue into my mouth.
Talan groans, turning and laying me down on the couch. He kisses along my neck, his hands exploring my body and setting my skin on fire. My legs part as he settles on top of me, his weight pressing me further into the soft cushions.
Damn, I’ve missed this man and what he does to me.
“Is this what you want, Bliss?” Talan asks leaning to the side, sliding his fingers over my collarbone and down further between my breasts until he lays his palm flat on my stomach. His fingertips just barely inch over the waistband of my skirt, giving me a tiny taste of where they could go. “Do you want me to touch you?” He kisses my neck. “Make you feel good?” His tongue licks down to my collarbone. “Fuck you?” His voice is low and gritty, the brazen words caressing me as his fingers do the same.
I raise my hips up, pressing myself into his palm. “God, yes.”
“No.” He pulls his hand away and sits up, leaving me flustered and panicked.
I scramble to a sitting position, wrapping my arms around myself as I grapple with his sudden change. My face flushes in embarrassment while my core pulses in need, my heart begging for explanation. “Why are you doing this?”
“So you can experience what it feels like to want something so bad, but not have it. You killed me, Bliss. You kicked my ass without laying a fucking beautiful little finger on me. I want something more from you before you get what you want.”
“What do you want, Talan?” I ask, the shame of my mistakes covering me like a shroud. I deserve to be played with for jumping to conclusions and running from him. Doing penance for my sins against him is worth whatever punishment he wants to sentence me with.
“I want all of you, Bliss. Body. Heart. Soul. I don’t want to be the guy you fuck when you need an escape from reality. I want to be the guy you come to because this feels like home.” He gestures between us, his eyes full of passion and need. “I don’t want to be someone you can ignore, ever. I want you sick with need for me, the way I have been for you. Tell me you won’t run again. Tell me I’m the only man that gets to hold you, even when you’re mad at me, because that’s all I want to do. I want you to come to me first when you have a problem, when you’re confused, when you need answers. I want you to trust me and know I will only be honest with you. I want to know that you feel this connection the same way I do. I’m not willing to accept anything but a hell fucking yes, because I deserve more than just wavering interest.” Talan finishes, looking at me in determination. There’s an unmistakable air of fear chilling the heated words.
He’s drawn a line in the sand, firmly standing on his side without knowing if I will join him, or walk away. He’s the bravest man I’ve ever met to demand what he wants and know he deserves it. The respect I have for him is so deep it reaches down and completely unlocks my heart. I want to agree to all of his demands, fall at his feet and beg him to have mercy on my weak soul.
“I have already said yes to this once before, but how do I show you now that I mean it? How do I prove that I want you so bad it hurts? How do I explain that I’m weak and jealous and insecure because I think you’re too good for me? I don’t know how to change twenty-one years of an independent spirit that wants to do everything my way, which means I fuck up a lot. I’m never going to be able to completely grasp that I mean as much to you as you do to me. How can I when you’ve been nothing but perfection that is hard to live up to? I’m never going to be perfect.”
Talan takes my hands and places his forehead against mine, looking down into my eyes. “You don’t have to be perfect, baby. I fell in love with you just the way you are.”
I pull my head back and stare into his bluish-brown eyes. He’s serious. He loves me. “How can you love me? I’ve been terrible to you.”
“Maybe I like your brand of terrible better than anyone else’s perfection.”
I can’t help but laugh. He knows exactly the right thing to say. “You really are perfect for me, Talan. You can make me smile and laugh when I feel like crying. You take my mind off the bad because you’re so good. You make me feel so loved with a word and a look. How can I possibly love you back as well? How can I meet you at your level?”
“I’ll meet you anywhere, Bliss. It’s not about being perfect or right; it’s about making choices. I’ve realized that real love isn't just a spontaneous feeling; it's a deliberate choice. I’m willing to make that commitment; are you?”
I stare at Talan and wonder how he can be so sure, so unwavering. In my short life I have come to realize that there are no absolutes, no reassurances or guarantees that anything can be perfect forever. It’s all faith and trust and belief that rests solely in that person you make your deliberate promises to. Life offers us plenty of spontaneity: rejection, job loss, heartache, disappoin
tment, despair, illness. It’s about time we take responsibility by choosing who we love. If he’s willing to risk having his heart broken to love me, how can I not?
My heart is light and my smile huge. “Yes. Hell fucking yes.”
Epilogue
Talan
“You can let go now, Mom. We love you,” Bliss says, choked by the tears running down her cheeks. Lisa is so tiny in the bed, the thin blankets outlining her wasted shape. She’s barely hanging on, her eyes closed and mouth slightly open.
“Lisa, honey, we know you are ready. We are too.” Andy is on the other side of the bed, holding her hand tightly.
There may be tubes and wires hooked up to beeping machines nearby, but we managed to keep her home and comfortable, the way she wanted. Bliss put a great deal of effort into making sure her mom’s advanced directive was met. I am so glad we were able to make this happen. I know Bliss couldn’t imagine trying to say goodbye to her in a clinical setting, without any personalization or good memories.
Fuck, it broke my heart to think of any other option, and I haven’t had a lifetime with the sweet lady. At least here there are memories of good times. We are surrounded with photos and trinkets and everything that makes this home.
I keep my arm around Bliss, trying to provide the support and love she needs for her mom’s final moments. It’s all I can do to not touch her anytime she’s near me, and especially when she’s hurting so bad. Poor Bliss just wanted more time with her mom.
If I could buy more time, it would have been the best purchase I ever made. Where Bliss is concerned, there is no amount I wouldn’t pay for her happiness. And whoever said money can’t buy happiness can just fuck off. Money can make life a whole lot easier, which can lead to happiness. It’s been hell for me to not be able to make this better for Bliss. Her happiness is my only thought, always.
Andrea, Lisa’s hospice nurse, comes back into the room to check the monitors. She has been here taking care of Lisa for weeks. She’s been our rock when things headed south, providing the medical help as well as the support we needed. She administers another dose of morphine to ease Lisa’s pain, the liquid snaking through the clear IV line and into her wasted body.
Lisa has been holding on, despite her condition becoming steadily worse with each passing day. I think I know what she is waiting for, even though Bliss has no clue. My girl has just been happy that Lisa has long passed the six week mark Dr. Ong had last predicted. It’s now Christmas Eve, four months since that time span was suggested.
No matter how aggressive the cancer was, or how quickly the tumors grew, Lisa fought to hold on. She’s deteriorated though, unable to eat or drink, and has been slipping in and out of consciousness the last few days. Dr. Givens, our therapist, suggested we let her know that she can pass on now, that we will carry on even though our lives will be empty without her. She hasn’t woken up in two days, but today her vitals became even worse. This may be our last chance to say goodbye. Andy, Bliss, and I have said our formal goodbyes, but there is one last thing Lisa needs that only I can give her.
I breathe in Bliss’s floral scent and gather strength. I kiss her soft blonde hair before I let her go so I can kneel beside the bed. I place my hand gently on Lisa’s tiny shoulder, feeling the frailty that cancer brought to her once strong body.
“Hey Lisa, it’s Talan.” I smile softly even though this is the saddest thing I’ve ever had to do. Sometimes it’s all you can do to smile. I brush the hair out of her face, looking for my words. “You’re a brave little lady; maybe the strongest woman I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. I am so glad that Bliss takes after you in that regard.”
I stop before the tears choke me up. Dipping my head down, I rest it lightly on the bed next to her arm while I gather myself. I manage to control my voice, the tears barely holding back as I look up and continue.
“I love her, Lisa, so much. It breaks my heart to see her sad right now, but I know she’s a tough girl and will make it through this. She got that from you, too. I want you to know that she will be my number one priority. I will take care of her for the rest of my life. She’s never going to want for anything, because I have your selfless example to follow. You taught me exactly what she needs, and have shown me how to take care of her. I’ll never let her push me away again. She’s stuck with me now.”
I chuckle thickly, clearing my throat so I can continue. I can’t look at Bliss. I’ll lose my shit if I do, and that’s the last thing she needs right now. I can hear her soft sobs behind me, and take comfort in the weight of her hand on my shoulder.
“I may not be able to love her the way you do as her mother, but I’m going to do my best to try to meet the standard you have set. She’s my everything. I’m going to marry her someday. I’ll fill her with your grandbabies whenever she is ready, because I know that’s what you would want. It’s exactly what I want, too.”
I finally look up, catching Bliss wipe the tears from her eyes, her hand over her sweet mouth. She silently nods for me to continue. My girl knows I have more to say.
“She’s our girl now, Lisa. You will always be a part of our lives, woven into every aspect of our relationship. I want to make you proud by loving her right. She will never be alone, and I will make sure she’s as happy as I can possibly make her.” I finish, skimming my hand down Lisa’s arm to squeeze her thin hand. I will her to have heard me, hoping like hell I managed to convey my feelings.
Fuck. Dealing with emotions is hard. Making forever promises to dying mothers is not something I take lightly, but it’s tough to get the words right. I let Lisa’s hand go to stand by her beautiful daughter; the love of my life and the source of my happiness. I take Bliss back into my arms where she snuggles into her spot with her cheek against my heart. She fits just right. She makes me whole. I got over feeling like an emotional sissy and started embracing those thoughts a long time ago. I’d rather be a pussy-whipped crybaby than miss out on knowing how good I have it.
Lisa’s heart monitor slows further, an alarm beeping to let us know this pace is now dangerously low. Andrea looks at us sadly as she turns the alarm off. Lisa was adamant about not wanting any drastic measures taken to keep her living. If her heart stops, we are not to resuscitate her. It would only be prolonging the inevitable, and possibly hurting her in the process.
I am so thankful for the extra time we have had with her. Especially for Bliss, who needed it more than anyone. My hopes were never high that she would stick around much longer than expected, but I have cherished the extra moments I have been given to get to know the woman who raised the girl I love. I know Bliss feels closer to her mom now than ever before. Her death will tear a ragged hole in all of our hearts, but we have had time to come to terms with it, even before it happens.
Losing my dad suddenly was a devastating situation for my own family. I tried my best to help Bliss see that, and help her through these stages of grief to ease the pain. But Bliss has been amazing. She’s been by her mom’s side as much as possible, and found at least a tiny bit of peace in these last few days knowing Lisa’s suffering was finally coming to an end.
Today Bliss helped Andrea bathe Lisa, and gently dried her wispy blonde hair. They put Lisa in her favorite dress; the one Andy bought her when they were married shortly after he returned to her life. She looked so beautiful at the courthouse that day in light pink silk with sheer sleeves. Their love made them both glow. It seemed like no time had passed for them, even though it had been over twenty years.
I have grown fond of Andy, respecting him for being here for Lisa, and Bliss, during this time. He’s never tried to force me to like him, or make Bliss see him as her father, but their relationship is gaining traction. I respect the hell out of him for choosing the less than desirable path of marrying a dying woman and caring for her in her last few months. He really cares about Lisa, and is struggling like the rest of us now. I know Lisa has been happier and more comfortable having him by her side as she slowly got worse. You would think s
he still looked like the twenty-two year old woman he met on Valentine’s Day by the way he looks at her now, still in awe.
I hope Bliss and I look at each other like that in twenty years.
I return from my introspection when Bliss jumps as Lisa takes a gurgling breath that can hardly qualify as bringing in air. The slow, rattling wheeze that follows causes Bliss to sag in my arms, shattering me. I check the monitor and see the flat line of her heart stopping before returning my gaze to Lisa’s pale, peaceful face. I think she has the barest hint of a smile playing on her lips, but it could just be my imagination.
I let Bliss go as she crumbles beside the bed, tears falling down her face. Her trembling fingers intertwine with Lisa’s. My own hands ball into fists. She will never again feel her mother squeeze her hand in reassurance. Lisa will never again tell Bliss she’s proud of her, or that she sees big things for her. I make a vow to whatever force can hear it that I will be the one to make that happen. Bliss deserves it. Lisa would expect it. I am absolutely crushed.
Words fail me now. I don’t know who to comfort, or how to cope. We’ve said our goodbyes. I helped Bliss find as much peace as I could in these last few months. I’ve spent every minute I could with her and Lisa, soaking up her wisdom and enjoying her company. My heart still explodes as I realize she is gone from Bliss’s life, forever.
Bliss’s tear stained face is a grimace of pain and heartache. I vowed never to see that expression on her again. I watched her drive away in that much agony once before, and it ruined me. I gently pick her up off the floor, holding her to my chest as she continues to sob. She clutches me desperately, needing whatever strength I can muster for her to make it through this moment. I barely have enough to get through this myself, but I’ll give her everything.
A Taste of Bliss Page 23
