"Who the hell is William S. Burroughs?" Julian asked, tossing the book back in my lap. "Probably some other screwed up writer?"
"I like some of his stuff," I said. "I have to be in the mood to read him, though."
"I bet if the both of you started reading some normal stuff instead of all this alternate reality-drug induced paranoid shit then you would both be better off. No wonder you want to commit suicide. I'd want to slit my throat too if I read that stuff all the time."
"That's definitely not true," I answered. "I think reading this is what keeps me sane. I actually feel comfortable reading a Philip K. Dick novel."
Vlad grimaced and threw himself on the bed. "Phil Dick? He's even too weird for me. Gives me a headache."
"Who gets to sleep on the bed?" Julian asked, staring down at Vlad nervously.
"You and Vlad can take the bed," I said. "I'm going to read for awhile."
Julian looked at Vlad suspiciously, although he was smiling. "Don't be touching my ass, got it?"
Vlad just smiled back and scooted over as Julian lay on the bed. I tried not to laugh. Julian was as far from Vlad as humanly possible without falling off the bed.
Chapter 22:
Just when you think life gets boring….
"You know something, guys?" I asked as we pulled up to the rather empty beach. "This road shit was a lot more glamorous when Jack Kerouac wrote it."
I got out of the car and stretched my cramped legs. Vlad was still sleeping until Julian slammed the door as hard as possible without actually smashing the window to pieces.
Vlad practically leapt to the front seat, his eyes wide with panic. I would have thought it was funnier, but I was grouchy as hell. This traveling shit is glamorized way too much in movies and books. I'm here to tell you it's actually quite boring. And if we tried that hobo shit like Kerouac actually did then we'd be dead in about a day. I'd like to see Kerouac survive hitching across the United States in the present day. If a twelve-year-old didn't shoot him, he'd probably fall victim to a crack pipe.
It was only ten in the morning, and although it was warming up a bit, it was a pretty cool fifty-seven degrees according to the numbers outside of the bank we had just passed.
I walked up to a bench on the boardwalk and sat down, enjoying the fresh salt-water air. A seagull landed at my feet and began to stare at me boldly. It flew away as Julian and Vlad walked up and joined me on the bench. The sky was depressingly gray and the water looked pretty damn icy.
"Fuckin' rats with wings," Julian said, staring at the seagull in disgust.
There were hardly any people on the beach at all. A lone jogger ran by the surf. An old man in an Hawaiian shirt and a large straw hat was using some sort of metal detector on the sand about fifty yards in front of us.
"Okay," Vlad said, crossing his legs and sighing heavily. "We're at the beach. This isn't what the brochure said. Where are the babes?"
"Babes?" Julian asked, nudging his friend playfully. "Since when were you concerned with babes?"
"I'm not, it's just the principle of the thing. Things don't seem right."
The old man had noticed us and began to walk slowly towards us, his metal detector held before him like a weapon.
"Oh great," Julian muttered. "We go to the beach for some fun and sun and we get to meet some old fuck looking for quarters in the sand."
The man walked up to us and took off his hat. Bushy eyebrows rested above his friendly eyes. "Well, hello boys. What brings you here?"
"Boredom," Julian immediately answered and I guess he had taken the words right out of my mouth. "What are you looking for? Treasure?"
If the old man noticed the sarcasm in Julian's voice, he didn't show it. "Boredom? When I was your age I didn't know the meaning of the word. You boys need to find something to do."
Judging by the look on his face, I could see he had something in mind, so I said, "Any suggestions?"
"As a matter of fact, my fine man, I do," the old man said, placing his metal detector on the boardwalk and offering his handshake. "My name's Caleb, just like the Bible."
I shook his amazingly callused hands. "I'm Harlan. And these two guys are Julian and Vlad."
"Vlad?" the old man asked, smiling crookedly as he showed off his coffee stained teeth. "Like the Vampire? Vlad the Impaler?"
Vlad nodded. He seemed to be afraid of the old man. Vlad was like that with anyone he didn't know.
Caleb continued. "Well, young men. I was going to take my fishing boat out today for a little spin. You're welcome to join me if you like. Some company would be a nice change of pace."
I looked at Julian and Vlad and they both shrugged at me. "Actually, that might be a good idea. Why not?"
Life can be so surreal. You just can't make this kind of shit up. One second you are bored out of your freaking skull, and the next you are in the ocean on a very unsafe feeling fishing boat. It sort of looked like the one in the movie JAWS, which was not exactly the kind of movie one wanted to think about while sailing the high seas.
Vlad was seasick in about five minutes. You would have never thought that he could be any whiter, but there he was, paler than a cloud. Caleb laughed and gave him some kind of pill. Vlad groaned as if he was dying and just lay there looking out at the sea.
"You boys ever been out in the ocean before?" Caleb asked, turning his leathery face specifically at me.
I shook my head, just coming to the realization I couldn't see land anymore. The ocean has this feeling of power that is difficult to describe. It's so vast, giving you the feeling you are nothing. It gives me the same feeling I get when staring into the stars on a clear night. As I stared down into the sea, a dolphin leapt out of the water about ten yards from me, freaking me out in a major way.
Julian screamed in delight, like a little kid. It was the first time that I had ever seen him that unguarded.
"A fucking dolphin!" he shrieked, his foul language immediately canceling out my thoughts on him being a cute little kid. "Cool!"
Caleb nodded his head and lit a cigarette by cupping his hand around the lighter. The old man was like one of those characters in Hemingway novels: Dark, macho and mysterious. He was fascinating simply because he was so alien to me. He pulled an unmarked bottle from his coat, uncorked it and took a long sip.
He gritted his teeth and held the bottle out to me. "Don't take too much. I don't want to be on a boat with a bunch of drunk teenagers."
I took a sip and practically vomited instantly. It was disgusting. I know I'll never be able to be an alcoholic like my father.
Caleb stopped the boat and began rummaging through something in the cabin where Vlad lay groaning and whining. I could see the old man found Vlad's sickness highly amusing. He began to put together an extremely large stick, which my genius brain assumed was a fishing pole. There were now about five dolphins swimming around the boat playfully. I had never seen one before. I had always read they were friendly and highly intelligent.
Julian had taken off his shirt and was standing there in nothing but a pair of tan khaki pants. He looked over at Caleb. "Can I go in with them?"
"I don't see why not," Caleb said, feeding fishing line into his pole.
"Are you insane?" I asked Julian. That was the stupidest thing I ever heard. "One word: Sharks. Plus, it's not warm outside, you dope. It's going to be even colder in the ocean."
Caleb laughed. "If there were sharks, my fine young man, then the dolphins wouldn't be there. I've been in much colder water, too." He tossed a neon life preserver at Julian. "Wear that."
Julian threw it around his neck and looked at me with a stupid grin. "Coming?"
"Yeah, okay, hold on a second," I said sarcastically, eyeing up the dolphins.
Julian shrugged and promptly dived over the side leaving me standing there with my mouth open. The dolphins disappeared leaving only Julian and the biggest smile I had ever seen him wear. I guess they were only finding out if he was dangerous because they popped to the surface a fe
w moments later, swimming around him mischievously. He had balls, I had to give him that. That would be just a bit too freaky for me to be even swimming in the middle of the ocean, let alone with smart fish.
"Coming?" he shouted.
I looked over at Caleb. "Are you sure they won't attack him?"
The old man cackled. "Nah. In all my life on the ocean, I've never heard of a single case."
Curiosity got the best of Vlad. He came up from the cabin and was looking into the ocean at the Julian. The look he gave Julian was probably the same look he would have given him had he seen him flying around the boat with wings—it was so fucking priceless. "Holy shit," he muttered, his eyes wide. "What the hell is he doing?"
"Being insane."
"I'd rather eat a bowl of milk and glass than do that," Vlad added, staring at the dolphins with genuine horror. "Doesn't he realize those big bastards have teeth? I can see them from here."
It was so strange seeing my friend do something that seemed could only happen in dreams. The moment demanded a camera.
"Caleb, you don't have a Polaroid camera, do you?" I asked. Part of me actually wanted to go into the water as well, but I knew I would never do it. I just didn't have the courage.
"Come on, Harlan!" Julian shouted from the middle of four dolphins. "You're going to die, anyway!"
"That's a pretty stupid reason!" I shouted back.
When I looked behind me to see if Caleb actually had a camera, I almost left my skin. The old man was laying face down on the deck.
"Shit!" I shouted and ran to Caleb. I turned him over and was shocked to find out he wasn't breathing. I felt his neck like I had seen in the movies and didn't feel a pulse.
"This can't be happening," I said, looking over at Vlad who seemed like he was about to pass out.
I went to the side of the boat and Julian was nowhere to be seen. Nearly collapsing in panic, I almost kissed Julian when I saw him climbing up the back of the boat, his face looking happier than I've ever seen.
"You're not going to freaking believe this," I said, helping him up.
"Caleb died and left us stranded out here in the middle of nowhere?" Julian joked, trying to catch his breath as I pulled him up.
"Actually, yes," I said and somehow managed to smile despite the bleakness of our situation.
"That would be the shit wouldn't it?" he asked, his mouth dropping open when he saw Caleb's body.
Chapter 23:
Totally screwed
"We're, like, totally screwed," Julian said, staring out into the vast and empty ocean. "I don't know shit about boats."
"I've never even been on a boat," Vlad added, his complexion seemed to have more color. The pills that Caleb gave him must have started working.
The ridiculousness of the moment suddenly struck me and I started laughing wildly. Julian and Vlad looked at me the way people look at ranting homeless people for a few seconds, then, surprisingly, they started laughing as well.
"We're, like, totally screwed," Julian repeated after we had finally stopped laughing, causing us to erupt once again into insane giggles.
I went over and began to examine Caleb again in the vain hope he was alive. We had tried CPR in vain earlier. Either we didn't do it right, or he had no hope of being revived. I had never even touched a dead body before. He was definitely dead, judging by the coldness of his arm. I felt a little freaked, so I grabbed a towel and placed it over his face.
I went over to the ignition and examined it. "Couldn't be that hard to drive could it?"
Julian and Vlad walked up behind me and we all peered at the boat controls like we were looking at some sort of alien spaceship panel.
"No, it couldn't be that hard," Vlad agreed. "It's not like we have to worry about staying on the road or anything."
"Umm, guys," Julian said, sitting heavily on the floor. "I just realized something. I commented to Caleb that the compass was always on north and he said it was broke. He said he knew the sea and didn't need a compass."
I stared down at the compass with eyes wide. It was pointing north. "Please tell me you're kidding."
"I wish I was."
I walked back out to the small deck. The dolphins were gone. The sun reflected on the ocean in a way usually only seen in paintings or photographs. The clean smell of the sea drifted into my nostrils invitingly as the gentle wind blew my hair around. I couldn't help but smile.
What the hell, I thought to myself, and launched myself over the side and into the ocean with a scream that must have sounded to my companions like the cries one would hear in an insane asylum.
The coldness of the water was quite a wakeup call. The first thing I felt was panic. I broke the surface and studied the ocean fearfully. I felt smaller than I had ever felt in my life. The feeling of being in the middle of the ocean is hard to describe. It's almost like drifting in space. It's vastness almost threatens to crush you, then in an instant you come to the weird realization of just how puny you are in relation to everything else. It's a good wakeup call to the egocentric. Then the thought that the dolphins might return began to make me feel nervous and I swam back to the boat.
"Well, that was stupid," I said to Julian and Vlad as they helped me into the boat. "I needed it, though."
"You scared the hell out of us," Julian said, glaring at me. "I thought that you had finally decided to off yourself at the worst possible time."
"That was incredible," I said, pushing my hair back.
"Isn't it?" Julian said, grinning like an idiot. "It's such a rush"
Vlad walked back into the claustrophobic cabin. "Don't look at me. I'm not stepping one foot into the water. You guys are fucking insane, man. It's forty-five degrees outside. What the hell do you think it is, summer?"
I looked at Julian. "Which reminds me," I said, smiling. "I'm freezing my balls off."
He laughed. "Me too."
Arms around each other, we followed Vlad into the cabin, carefully stepping over the old fisherman's body.
"Okay," Vlad said, his face concentrated. "We're going to have to get back the old fashioned way: The stars and the sun. It should only take a few hours."
Julian and I managed to find some dry clothes. I was forced into wearing baggy overalls, making me look like a redneck fisherman. Or "a faggot redneck fisherman" as Julian so politely pointed out. Which was okay, since he was wearing a shirt which had a picture of a Jack Daniels bottle and had the words "Ass Kickin' Southern Rock!" on it.
Caleb's corpse was beginning to creep me out. It seemed that I was seeing a lot of dead bodies lately. Maybe I have some new sort of bad luck curse.
"You have bad luck, Harlan," Julian said, drawing my stare away from the lifeless, tattooed arm of Caleb. Julian and I always seemed to be reading each other's minds.
"Yep. I do," I agreed, my eyes drawn back to the tattoo. It was of a stereotypical big-breasted mermaid. The only difference was that she had this huge gap in her Cheshire Cat grin. It made me feel like Caleb was mocking us. Or maybe God was.
We had been drifting for the last four or five hours. The engine, in case you haven't guessed, remained dead. Julian's skin was already burnt red from the sun and I wasn't feeling very well myself. I wasn't much of a sun person, so I had to take refuge in the small cabin. Vlad was examining the engine even though, like Julian and I, he had no idea whatsoever what made an engine run. We were all book-reading sissy men. Put us in the real world with actual tools to work with and we were totally lost.
"Shit!" Vlad shouted, moving away from the engine. "I have a better chance of performing brain surgery on someone." He plopped down on the seat next to me. "What now?"
I smiled grimly with my eyes closed. "We starve to death, I guess."
Vlad laughed. "We'll dehydrate first."
"Nope," Julian said, his head buried in a cabinet. "There is like four cases of bottled water in here." He pulled a green army blanket from the cabinet and draped it over Caleb.
The blue sky was already beginning
to darken as the sun set. The sun was at a halfway point on the ocean, almost seeming as if the ocean was swallowing it up. It was breathtaking. For a brief moment, I thought about how much Sam would love it and I felt a pang as the icy reality of the situation worked its way through my veins. Sam was gone, she had abandoned me. Or had I abandoned her?
"I found a flare gun," Julian said, his head back in his magic cabinet of toys.
"Good," Vlad muttered. "Shoot me with it."
It was almost funny. Not in any of my lamest dreams would I imagine that I would be lost at sea. I got back up and went back to the steering wheel and the ignition key. I turned it, knowing full well that it would still be dead. Desperation makes you think irrationally. There was a red button about eight inches from the ignition, hidden a little to the right. Pushing it, I heard a barely audible click but nothing else happened. I turned the key again in disgust.
The engine roared into life. The looks on Vlad's and Julian's faces made me wish once again for a camera.
"Yeeeee Haw!" Vlad shouted, briefly becoming the sort of redneck that liked to beat him up.
"I don't care what you did, Harlan!" Julian shouted above the roar of the engine. "Just got us the hell back to shore." He held his two fingers in the air and then thrust them down.
I pushed the throttle forward and turned the boat right into the sun and the coast. I bet that if there were a movie camera set up behind the boat, we would have looked cool as hell.
Chapter 24:
Emotional Time Bombs
We returned to the town of Rawley in a bad mood. Usually, when people go on road trips, they come back with a new understanding of life; a new way of looking at the world. Well, they do in the movies anyway. Not me. If anything I was even more confused than before I had left.
In fact, the only thing that I had learned was a healthy fear of the ocean and an irrational fear of fishermen with tattoos.
HARLAN Page 16
