by James Craig
Maybe not quite yet.
A break in the traffic allowed the two girls to reach the middle of the road.
‘What do you call an exploding monkey?’
‘Eh?’ In the driver’s seat, Sergeant Joe Szyszkowski turned to face his boss.
‘It’s a joke Alice told me,’ Carlyle explained. ‘She’s been wandering round the house with a big fat joke book, picking out the ones that make her giggle.’
‘Kids . . .’ Joe shrugged. He was a family man himself – he had two, a boy and a girl, to Carlyle’s one daughter.
‘This one is her current favourite – at least it was as of last night.’
Joe nodded indulgently. With the best will in the world, other people’s kids were just not that interesting.
Ignoring his sergeant’s lack of enthusiasm, the inspector tried again. ‘So, what do you call an exploding monkey?’
The girls finally made it to the pavement on the far side of the road and disappeared down another street. Releasing his seatbelt, Joe opened the car door. ‘Dunno.’
‘A baboom,’ Carlyle cackled. ‘Geddit? Ba-boom!’
Joe groaned as he eased himself out of his seat. ‘Tell Alice from me, that’s terrible,’ he said.
‘What d’ya mean?’ the inspector protested. ‘It’s brilliant. A baboom! Outstanding. Best joke ever.’
‘C’mon,’ Joe said wearily. ‘I should have been home more than an hour ago. Let’s get this over with.’
FOUR
The Troubles. The Troubles . . . was there ever a more boring subject in the world than Northern bloody Ireland? What the hell were these people fighting about? Like they were the only ones who ever had problems. With a sigh, Hannah Gillespie let her history textbook fall to the floor as she stretched out on the bed. As she did so, Emeli Sandé’s ‘Next to Me’ started playing on the LG mobile on the bedside table. Grabbing her phone, Hannah opened the newly arrived message and grinned.
R u coming?
Any feeling of tiredness immediately evaporated as she typed her reply.
15 mins.
After carefully deleting the original text, Hannah jumped up from the bed. Pulling on her red Puffa jacket and Reebok trainers, she slipped out into the hall. Even with the door closed, she could hear the television in the living room. Her mum would be watching EastEnders with Emma, her older sister. Dad wasn’t home from work yet. Heart pumping, Hannah realized it would be easy enough to leave the house without anyone noticing, but she was cuter than that. Pushing the living-room door open, she leaned against the frame. ‘I’m just going out for a little while, Mum.’
Slumped on the sofa, Alison Gillespie did not look up from the couple of characters arguing on the screen.
‘Going round to see Rosie for an hour,’ Hannah explained.
Alison scratched her arm, eyes still glued to the television. ‘Does Rosie’s mum say that it’s okay?’
‘Of course.’
‘Have you done your homework?’
‘Ye-es.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Sure. History. It was about the Northern Ireland Peace Process and the suspension of Stormont in 1972.’
Her mother made a kind of grunting noise that could conceivably be misconstrued as indicating that she had even the first clue about internment and the introduction of Direct Rule.
Emma shot her sister a look that said You lying cow, but said nothing.
Smirking, Hannah turned for the front door. ‘See you later. Bye.’
‘Make sure you’re home by no later than nine-thirty,’ her mum called after her. ‘It’s a school night, remember.’
FIVE
30 Seconds to Mars had moved on to ‘The Fantasy’ by the time Horatio Mosman flopped onto the cream Ligne Roset Togo sofa and switched on the Loewe Xelos LCD/LED HD 1080p Digital TV, flicking through the muted channels until he came to British Talent, his favourite porn channel du jour. For once, he had the place to himself. His parents, God bless them, had gone into Town to see something worthy at the National Theatre. Dad’s firm was sponsoring a production of South Pacific at the National Theatre – on the South Bank – yawn! There was no way they were dragging him along to that. Meanwhile, his annoying siblings, sister Lizzie and brother Ignatius, were also out and about somewhere, being boring, no doubt.
All in all, this was a major result.
Sucking greedily on a bottle of ice-cold Carlsberg, Horatio loosened the belt on his Evisu jeans and settled in for a happy half hour with Debbie Armour, star of Debbie Does Derby and of similar shows set in various other sad little towns and cities around Britain that he knew he would never have the misfortune of having to visit. Wiping beer from his chin, he moved around on the sofa until he got himself comfortable. ‘South Pacific?’ He snorted and belched. ‘Hah!’
On the 40-inch screen, Debbie was enthusiastically but silently fellating an Asian man behind the counter of a fish-and-chip shop.
Mmm.
The thought of food made Horatio suddenly feel hungry. With his free hand, he reached for his mobile and pulled up the number of a local takeaway. Time to speed things up, he thought, as he listened to the phone ring.
‘Forbush Pizza,’ said a cheery female voice at the other end of the line. ‘How can I help you?’
Having placed his order, Horatio attended to the urgent matter at hand. Then, reaching for the box of tissues on the coffee table, he became aware of movement behind him. Shit! Someone must have come home early. Leaning forward, he made a grab for his trousers, just as a noose was slipped round his neck, metal encased in plastic like a bicycle chain, pulling him backwards on to the sofa.
‘Hey!’ He tried to scream but it came out more like a grunt. For a moment, the boy flopped around like a dying fish, his hands not knowing whether to reach for his neck or for the jeans around his ankles.
This couldn’t be happening.
The music was suddenly switched off and a gruff male voice barked, ‘Sit still!’
‘Ow!’ No longer concerned about his nakedness, Horatio pawed at the makeshift necklace. ‘You’re hurting me,’ he cried. ‘Let go!’
The response from his assailant was to yank the noose tighter. ‘Sit still and shut up.’
Embarrassedly aware of his own damp stickiness, Horatio finally did as he was told. Letting his hands fall to his sides, he glumly looked towards the screen as young Debbie expertly dodged the money shot which flew across the shop, ending up in a pail of freshly prepared batter. Urgh, Horatio could not help thinking. How gross is that? As Debbie turned to the camera and winked, he felt a twitch in his groin and glanced down. Despite his recent endeavours and the rather unexpected turn of events, the youngster was surprised to see that his erection remained essentially undiminished. Instinctively jerking forward, he felt the necklace cut into his throat. From somewhere deep in his brain he vaguely recalled reading something on the internet about people deliberately cutting off their air supply in order to heighten sexual pleasure; so maybe that was what he was experiencing.
Leaning back on the sofa, Horatio remained still for several moments. There was a slight loosening of the noose, whereupon he tried to move his head. For his trouble, he was given a swift smack.
‘Don’t look round.’ The man spoke quietly but firmly. ‘Do what you are told and you will be okay.’ A gloved hand appeared from somewhere behind his head and pinned a small, clear plastic bag to the boy’s Jack Wills striped Henley shirt. Horatio dropped his chin to his chest to peer at it. Inside was the image of a painting which looked like it had been torn from a catalogue or a textbook.
‘What’s that?’
‘Don’t worry about it.’
For a moment there was silence. Then Horatio heard a click by his left ear. At the edge of his field of vision, he saw a small red light begin blinking on the improvised collar. The man took Horatio’s hand and brought it up to the collar so that he could feel the small device, about half the size of a cigarette packet, attached to one side.
>
‘Just don’t make any sudden movements.’
‘Why not?’ Horatio wanted his mum. He wanted to cry.
‘Because now, sonny, now you’re wearing a bomb.’
There was nothing Debbie could do to help him now. Clenching his buttocks tightly, Horatio watched his member belatedly start to droop. There was a noise from behind him that could have been disgust, could have been amusement. Through the open doorway, Horatio gazed forlornly at the front door, willing it to open and for his parents to walk into the hall. Where were they when he needed them? Watching a bloody musical! Overwhelmed by confusion and self-pity, the boy found himself unable to speak.
‘Maybe you should pull up your trousers.’
‘Okay.’ To his own ear, Horatio’s voice sounded small and far away. With exaggerated caution, he did what he was told.
‘Don’t worry,’ the voice chuckled. ‘As long as you don’t try anything silly, you won’t set it off by accident.’
After buttoning his jeans, Horatio wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. ‘What do you want?’
‘That’s none of your business.’
‘Not my business?’ Horatio echoed, incredulous. Feeling a gentle hand on his shoulder, he kept his eyes straight ahead. Meanwhile, on the TV, Debbie was on to her next scene. He watched ruefully as she writhed in simulated ecstasy in front of a bald man with the over-developed torso of a steroid-abusing body-builder. The girl was certainly putting her own body and soul into it. For a moment, Horatio was again transfixed. Not for nothing, he mused, had she won Best Anal Performance at the recent British Adult Video Awards Ceremony.
‘Switch it off,’ the voice commanded.
Horatio picked up the remote control and switched off the TV. In an instant, Debbie, his last link with normal life, disappeared into a black void. He dropped the remote on the sofa. ‘What do you want me to do?’
‘Just sit still.’
Horatio started nodding, then thought better of that.
‘When the police arrive, answer their questions clearly and simply.’
‘Okay,’ said Horatio, though not understanding. Sensing the man step away from the sofa, he lifted his left hand to touch the device on his neck. Tears were not far away. ‘How long do I need to keep this on?’ There was no reply. He was suddenly conscious of the accelerated beating of his heart. ‘How long?’ Horatio repeated.
‘That depends,’ the man said finally.
‘On what?’ The boy’s eyes were welling up.
‘On nothing that is in your power and control, so just sit tight. The police will help you. Just make sure they don’t try and take off your collar.’
‘No?’ It sounded like a question.
‘No. If they try to do that,’ the man said slowly, ‘then it will be . . . kaboom.’
SIX
‘Osmund Caine.’
‘Mm.’ The inspector smiled as he savoured the pleasant burning feeling in the back of his throat. Having developed a taste for Irish whiskey in his twenties, he was a confirmed Jameson’s man. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy a nice glass of single malt when it came his way. And at 50.8 per cent proof, the Bladnoch would certainly help to take the edge off what was sure to be an uncomfortable meeting.
Towering over him, Sir Michael Snowdon pointed at the figures on the canvas. ‘It’s called Bathing Beach and was painted in 1938.’ The old man must have been well into his seventies but he still cut an imposing figure. Six foot two, with a shock of white hair and clear blue eyes, he wore a navy blazer with a spotted handkerchief sticking out of the breast pocket and grey slacks. His red and white striped shirt was open at the neck and there was a Patek Philippe Golden Ellipse on his left wrist. ‘That was almost a decade before a French structural engineer called Louis Réard came up with the idea working on the American nuclear tests at Bikini Atoll.’
‘I see.’ Not knowing what else to say, Carlyle looked imploringly at his sergeant for some help. However, sitting in an oversized armchair, Joe Szyszkowski was too busy tucking into a large slice of Lady Snowdon’s Victoria sponge cake to notice his cue. Looking like a stranger in her own drawing room, Veronica Snowdon herself hovered nervously at the window, waiting for her husband to dispense with the pleasantries and get down to the matter in hand.
‘Caine was an interesting character,’ Snowdon continued. ‘He worked for the Military Police during the Second World War, then went into teaching.’ He took a sip from his own glass, which he had filled far more sparingly than the inspector’s. ‘It’s a nice addition to our small collection.’
‘Yes.’ Frowning, Carlyle watched Joe take another bite of his cake. Irritatingly, Victoria sponge was one of the few cakes he himself didn’t like; the cream put him off.
‘We only just got this painting recently, as it happens – at a GAC auction in St James’s.’
‘GAC?’ Carlyle enquired. Unlike Lady Snowdon, he was in no hurry to get down to the matter in hand.
‘The Government Art Collection,’ Snowdon explained.
‘I didn’t know they had one,’ the inspector mumbled, still not remotely interested.
Joe popped the last of the cake into his mouth and washed it down with a mouthful of Earl Grey tea. ‘I read about that the other day,’ he interjected cheerily. ‘The whole collections’s worth billions, apparently.’
‘I’m not sure about that.’ Snowdon signalled for the inspector to take a seat. ‘Maybe low hundreds of millions, rather than billions.’
‘Not that billions are worth much these days,’ Carlyle shrugged, ‘given the complete and utter mess we’re now in.’
‘At least we’re all in it together,’ Joe quipped, ‘as our Prime Minister likes to say.’
‘Yeah, right,’ Carlyle muttered.
‘Anyway,’ said Snowdon briskly, ‘that collection has always been a fairly mixed bag, it has to be said. Little more than bits and pieces which have been added over the years, here and there. It’s most certainly not a collection in the sense of something put together by someone with an overarching vision, who has sought to create a coherent whole. And it contains few if any top-notch items. But it certainly is big. Having basically been ignored for decades, now they’re selling bits of it to help pay off some of the national debt.’
‘Good luck with that.’ Bending his knees, the inspector slowly lowered himself on to the edge of a four-seater cream sofa. ‘Maybe they can raise enough to bail out some small provincial building society that no one has ever heard of.’
‘Every little helps,’ Joe quipped, as he licked his fingers clean. Manners! Carlyle wanted to glower at him but couldn’t summon up the energy. ‘It’s not like there’s much point having a government art collection, anyway.’
Just another example of politicians taking the piss, in Carlyle’s opinion. Plus ça change.
‘You have to remember that art has long been seen as a useful tool of diplomacy.’ Snowdon smiled. ‘The collection was first set up in the 1890s, when MPs decided that it would be cheaper to hang paintings on the walls of British embassies around the globe rather than spend money redecorating them.’
‘That’s the great thing about our elected representatives,’ Carlyle grumbled. ‘Always focusing on the important stuff.’
‘At its peak,’ Snowdon continued, politely ignoring the plebeian boorishness of his guest, ‘before they started selling things off, the collection contained around twenty thousand works located in embassies, consulates and official residencies in more than a hundred and thirty countries.’
‘You know a lot about it.’ Satisfied that his hands were now clean, Joe wiped a crumb from his mouth.
‘I was a civil servant,’ Snowdon reminded him.
‘Of course,’ Joe nodded.
‘Michael was Permanent Secretary in the Foreign and Commonwealth Office,’ Veronica Snowdon chipped in. Apparently resigned to the meandering nature of the conversation, she fluttered nervously across the inspector’s field of vision and took a seat in t
he chair opposite Joe. In a grey, long-sleeved woollen dress and a brown cardigan, she looked smaller and more frail than he remembered.
That explains the gong, Carlyle thought. For services rendered. For all that he liked the man, the inspector was acutely conscious that Sir Michael Snowdon was a true pillar of the Establishment. By definition that meant he had to be handled most carefully.
‘I had a very nice Gillian Carnegie on my office wall for several years,’ Snowdon mused. ‘It was amazing how it could lift the spirits.’
‘Mm.’ The inspector smiled weakly.
‘I hear that the Prime Minister has even put a neon art installation in Downing Street,’ Joe contributed. ‘Apparently it helps brighten up the place.’
Carlyle stared into his whisky. That boy is just a wonderful repository of useless information, he thought. Not for the first time he was pleasantly surprised by Joe’s ability to master small talk. It was not something he had ever been any good at himself.
‘Ah, yes,’ Snowdon replied, ‘a red neon light saying something like Grab the future, or some such childish vacuousness. They put it in a hallway outside the Terracotta Room. It makes the place look like a nightclub, so I’ve heard.’
Joe smiled at his boss, who clearly didn’t have a clue what they were talking about. ‘It was a gift to the great British nation from the celebrated Peruvian artist and performer Yulissa Vasconzuelo.’
Carlyle stared at him blankly.
‘She’s famous for . . . something or other.’
‘That certainly sounds like Edgar Carlton’s cup of tea to me,’ Carlyle sneered.
The inspector deferred to no one in his hostility towards the Prime Minister, a profound personal dislike derived from professional experience. Before getting the keys to the front door of 10 Downing Street, hobnobbing with Peruvian artists and changing the art on the walls, Carlton had stymied an investigation into a particularly sordid case involving rape and murder. The officer in charge had been one J. Carlyle.
