by Tasha Fawkes
A few minutes before I left, I asked to use the restroom, where I splashed cold water on my face, called a taxi, and then returned to the living room. Ben's parents stood holding hands in front of the couch, and it suddenly dawned on me that I'd never even seen my parents hold hands. That damned lump in my throat was growing again. I really wished I could have gotten to know these people better, and Ben, of course.
"I… I really want to thank you for… well, for showing me a part of Ben's life. How happy a family can be together."
"Happiness doesn't come at the luck of the draw or with a throw of the dice," Patrick said, again not unkindly. "It's just a matter of acceptance, of compromise, of being willing to give and take. Sometimes, finding happiness means making a sacrifice. Sometimes, happiness is a state of being that comes with just being with someone you love." He glanced down at his wife, who looked up at him with a smile.
Nancy turned toward me.
"Karen, we learned a long time ago, after the loss of one of our sons, to appreciate every day, to accept what we have, to strive to be better, and most of all, never to take anyone for granted."
She paused and took a few steps toward me and then took my hands in hers. They were soft and warm.
"Sometimes, love takes the greatest risk of all. Love is a leap of faith for many – one that many don't take because of their fears. I'm sorry that things worked out the way they did between you and Ben, because I, for one, would have been more than happy to welcome someone with such a strong spirit into the family fold. Ben's an excellent judge of character, and I just want you to know that."
I choked back tears, swallowed, then bit my lip, afraid if I said another word I would start crying. I heard a honk outside and knew that the cab I had called had arrived. I simply looked at her and Patrick once more, my eyes blurring with tears, and then, with a quick nod, I turned and left their house, quickly made my way down the steps, and into the cab.
In moments, the cab pulled away from the curb. Leaving behind a world of possibilities. A world of possibilities that I would never experience, and it was all my fault. My spirits devastated, I resolved from that moment forward to be responsible for my actions. My actions had put me in this situation with Ben, and it was my inaction that had separated us and literally compelled me to marry a man I didn't want to know, to love, or to spend my entire life with.
My resolve faded the closer I returned to New York City. What was the point? Now, it was truly too late.
Chapter 20
Ben
I had debated about this for days. My God, I was barely getting through unpacking and dealing with orienting myself to a new job at the commodities firm in Chicago as it was. My apartment was half furnished, half cluttered with boxes, needed work, but since I had arrived two weeks ago, I had let things go, not really caring whether every single box was unpacked in a certain time frame. It wasn't like me. The few times I'd moved, I had been anxious to get everything out of boxes, the house in order, so to speak. With order came a sense of calm.
This time, though I had a nicer apartment than I had in New York City, and for quite a bit less, I couldn't quite make this place feel like home. It wasn't just the boxes laying around were stacked up in the bedroom either. The first few days on the new job were hectic and kept me distracted for hours, but the minute I rode the train to my station and walked the two blocks to my third-floor apartment just off of North Sheffield Avenue, between the interstate and the river to the west and Lake Michigan to the east, I grew… introspective. From my apartment window, I could look eastward and see the ball field. If I looked real hard, I could see the trees and the grass and the greenery of Lincoln Park. I had walked down there a few days ago, just out of curiosity. I didn't know there was so much there: the zoo, a conservatory, and then just beyond a lagoon, and beyond that the highway. On the other side of the highway, North Lake Shore Drive, was the vastness of Lake Michigan. It looked like an ocean to me.
As I got used to the area, learned which buses took me where I needed to go, I knew that I would eventually have to make a decision. I would give myself six months. If I didn't like it here, maybe I'd head out west. I didn't like this feeling of un-settlement, of not feeling comfortable. Not that I had fallen in love with New York City, but even in my tiny little apartment, I had felt comfortable. It wasn't the city. It was a feeling of not knowing where I wanted to be. At that point, I wasn't sure whether Chicago, New York City, or any other large city was right for me at this point in my life. For the first time, I even began second-guessing my goals in a commodity futures trading field.
I sighed, realizing where all this dissatisfaction, this sense of not being settled, and my second-guessing came from. I knew. Karen's wedding to Ryan Delaney was inevitable and I had to let it go. She had made her choice.
I told myself that once again, it was too late. I'd given it my best shot, given her a chance, and she'd made her decision. There was nothing I could do about it now.
I was back in New York City, a place that I never thought I would venture again. The past few days, I had focused on looking forward, not backward. I don't know if I could say that my second "dumping" had been easier than the first, but at least with Karen I had known where I stood most of the time. It had been a business deal, after all. She hadn't been leading me on. Not like…
Anyway, it had started in motion just a few days ago. It was my first day off after some training, late on a Wednesday afternoon, when I heard the knock on my apartment door. I frowned, wondering who it was because I hadn't really made any friends yet. The super maybe? Something wrong with the plumbing? When I open the door, you could've knocked me over with a feather.
"Mom?" I looked over her shoulder but didn't see dad. "What are you doing here? Where's Dad?"
"Oh he's back in New Haven haggling with the realtors. I thought I'd come up for a surprise visit."
I just stood there, dumbfounded. Then she lifted an eyebrow to me.
"Are you going to invite me in or what?"
I apologized, stood back, and gestured her inside. "Welcome to my apartment, which, as you can see, is still not fully unpacked."
She nodded as I quickly moved toward the couch, removed a box and a pile of laundry, and gestured for her to her to sit down. "How did you get here?"
"I took a plane, silly," she said. "And then I took a taxi from O'Hare over here. Simple."
I stared at her, at the odd expression she wore; that half smile, I have news look. "While I'm certainly happy you came, and I'm very happy to see you, Mom, would you mind explaining exactly why you're here? You don't usually arrive anywhere unannounced."
She gazed over the apartment, her eyes lingering on the still taped-up boxes. Then she looked at me.
"Are you expecting someone?"
I shook my head. "No, why? I don't even know anybody here yet."
"Good, then we have some private time to chat."
"Would you like some coffee, or tea, or a diet soda?"
"Nothing, thank you," she said, patting the couch. "Sit down, Ben. There's something I have to talk to you about." I did. "Is Dad okay?"
"He's fine, honey, happy as a lark with the idea of going back to Oklahoma."
I said nothing, knowing that she would speak when she was good and ready to. "I… um… your father and I had a visitor last week."
"Okay," I said. She said nothing and I realized I was supposed to ask. "Who was it?"
"Karen."
"Karen?" I couldn't help but be surprised. "Karen took the train up to your house?"
She nodded. I grinned. Well, how about that. I looked at mom. "What did she want?"
"She was looking for you. Apparently, she had gone by your apartment and the manager told her that you'd moved out. I guess she was desperate to find you, so the only place she had to look next was up in New Haven."
I was awed. "What did she want?"
"Again, she was looking for you. She had something very important that she wanted to tell you.
When we told her that you'd relocated to Chicago… don't worry, I didn't give her your address… she thanked us."
"That's it? She traveled all the way up to New Haven for that?"
"No, that wasn't all." She paused, as if reliving the moment in her memory. "Ben, she wanted us to know how she truly felt about you. In a nutshell, she loves you."
"She told you that?"
"She didn't have to, but she did."
I sat stunned, my mind spinning. I knew it was true. Mom would never lie to me about something like this. I still didn't understand what she expected me to do about it.
"Ben, her wedding is tomorrow afternoon."
"And what am I supposed to do about it?" I asked. "She's made her choice." Even though she had claimed to love me, she had gone ahead with the wedding.
"This may be your only chance at happiness, Ben," she said, breaking the silence. "I know how much you care for her. At first, I was concerned that because of her background, you wouldn't be able to give her everything she needed. But now I've come to realize that you are about the only one I know who could give her the one thing that she desperately needs, and it's something you can't buy."
I stood. "Mom, in spite of all that, she's going ahead with the wedding. What do you want me to do?" Once again, I felt the hurt that Karen's rejection had caused me. Actually, as far as I was concerned at the moment, she's the one who should be chasing after me and not the other way around. I also had to admit to myself that in spite of my best efforts, another move, a new city, and a new job wasn't going to be enough to ever erase Karen from my memory.
"Well, it seems to me that the first time you met Karen, she was doing something about something, wasn't she?"
I stared at her in dismay. "Seriously?"
She offered a little shrug. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."
I frowned, and then I laughed. "You've got to be joking," I said, shaking my head. "And what does Dad have to say about all this?"
"Your Dad said that the heart wants what the heart wants."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
She lifted an eyebrow. "I think you know, honey. I think you know."
So here I was in New York City, taking a taxi to the church where in just under an hour, Karen Queen would become Missus Karen Delaney. Why was I even bothering? And why the hell had her parents chosen the same church where the fiasco with Daniel Stone had occurred? What was wrong with them? It's as if they wanted to invite gossip and scandal. Then again, maybe that was their purpose all along. Who knew?
As before, the church was pretty crowded. I couldn't believe I was stepping inside the place again, and not at the behest of my boss this time. I hadn't even been invited. I was now officially a wedding crasher. Nevertheless, I pretended I belonged there, slipping into one of the pews at the very back of the church, unobtrusive, not looking at anybody, simply brushing imaginary lint from my dress slacks.
I had no idea, not really, what I expected. I had gotten the impression that my mom thought it would be good for me to come to the wedding, but what the hell? Was this her idea of closure, or of me getting on with my life? I swear, now that I was sitting here, listening to people murmuring around me, looking at the decorations, which seemed slightly less obnoxious than the last time I had been inside this church, I must be nuts.
I glanced down at my watch. In another ten minutes the ceremony would start. Guests continued to flock in. I heard more than my share of gossip in a matter of minutes than I probably could have in a lifetime. I had a good impression that a lot of the guests here had only come to ogle once again at Karen Queen, this time marrying someone other than Daniel Stone. And it hadn't been that long since she'd made a complete spectacle of herself at that wedding.
The curious questions and a snide remark here and there got my dander up. If they didn't want to come to the wedding, they didn't have to. What were they expecting? Perhaps Ryan's former fiancée to stand up in the middle of the service and shout and scream? I barely held back a chuckle. How would that be for karma?
And then, suddenly, the groom and his groomsmen made their way down the side aisle along the right of the church and took their places near the steps leading up to the altar. A woman sat down at the organ up in the loft where the church choir typically performed. The altar was all frilly, bedecked with white lilies wrapped in pink ribbon. My heart began to thud. Why was I here? I didn't want to be here! Why did I have to witness this?
I had just begun to stand when the strains of the organ music began to play and the swinging doors just behind me opened and disgorged, one at a time, bridesmaids dressed in rather lime-looking chiffon gowns. Crap! Too late to make an escape now. I remained seated as one by one, the bridesmaids made their way down the aisle and arranged themselves opposite the groomsmen on the other side of the altar. There stood Courtney, a bland expression on her face as she looked over the groomsmen. I recognized two of the other women standing next to her as the ladies that had scoped him out that night at the club.
And then, after a long pause, the organist belted out the first strains of the wedding march. I felt a headache pounding between my eyes as, along with everyone else in the church, I stood in preparation for the entrance of the bride. I stared at the pew in front of me as a blur of white passed by in my peripheral vision. Only as she passed did I look up and see Karen, her eyes wide, her jaw stiff, her body straight as a rod, being escorted down the aisle by her so proud looking father. In the brief glimpse I'd gotten, I saw her extreme paleness and felt a surge of regret.
Maybe I hadn't tried hard enough. Maybe if I'd just had a little more time…
I watched as Ryan Delaney took a step away from the altar and held out his hand for his bride, easily relinquished by her father. I noticed that she didn't stand terribly close to Ryan. She looked so stiff that she might shatter. The strains of the march faded and then ended. The preacher took his place in front of the couple and opened his Bible.
I was an idiot. I couldn't believe it, but I was such an idiot!
Before I could talk myself out of it, I stood and slowly made my way up the aisle, ignoring the dozens of pairs of eyes that turned to gaze at me in surprise, gasps of dismay following my path. I saw Karen's father gesture to two of the groomsmen, and it was their movement that captured Karen's attention. She turned to look at the groomsmen, and then turned even further to see what everybody was murmuring about.
I stared at her and she stared back at me, mouth open in surprise, her face so pale it was whiter than a bed sheet hung out in the Oklahoma sunshine to dry. I kept approaching. Ryan Delaney then also turned, frowned, and gazed at Karen's father. Eric Queen glowered at me, but I couldn't tell what Melanie Queen was thinking. Just past Karen's shoulder, I saw Courtney grinning at me with a nod of approval.
"Please escort him out of here." Eric Queen told two of Ryan's groomsmen. "He's not an invited guest."
"Wait." Karen squeaked.
Everyone froze. I paused a few feet away from the couple, Karen staring down at me with disbelief. Ryan looked from Karen to me, to Karen's father and then back again. I just had one thing to say.
"Karen, is this what you want?"
It was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. Slowly, she shook her head. Her father took a step forward, but she held out her hand, stopping him. She turned to her mother and shook her head.
She spoke loudly and firmly, her face set with resolve. "No, this is not what I want."
"What do you want, Karen?" I asked.
Then, she smiled. The expression on her face changed completely and she looked as if a huge burden had just been taken off her shoulders. "You're too good for me, Ben," she said, her voice carrying over the stillness in the sanctuary. "If I leave with you, I take the risk of being destitute, and with nothing to offer you. No money, no job, not even a place to stay."
I couldn't help it, but I shrugged as I grinned up at her and held out my hand. "There’s this bar I know… and I'm paying."
THE END
Other books from Safira Publishing
By Tasha Fawkes
Please visit Tasha’s website for a complete list of her books.
tashafawkes.com
About Tasha Fawkes
I’m originally from a small southern town where everyone knew everyone and their business. I was so happy to leave and move to California for college where I was originally going to be a veterinarian.
Well, I met a guy – yeah, it’s that kind of story – and dropped out of school to have my oldest daughter. We soon divorced, and as a kind of therapy, I started to write books. I loved the fantasy world of fiction and never did go back to college, and have been writing ever since.
I write about sexy guys and girls. Anything but missionary –unless the heroine is tied up tight. My southern upbringing sure brings the kinkiness out of me. Don’t be shy to stay in touch. I’d love to hear your kinky stories. Maybe we can turn them into a book. :)
XXX, Tasha
Please visit me at and get a free ebook!
https://tashafawkes.com/
About M. S. Parker
M. S. Parker is a USA Today Bestselling author and the author of the Erotic Romance series, Club Privè and Chasing Perfection.
Living in Las Vegas, she enjoys sitting by the pool with her laptop writing on her next spicy romance.
Growing up all she wanted to be was a dancer, actor or author. So far only the latter has come true but M. S. Parker hasn’t retired her dancing shoes just yet. She is still waiting for the call for her to appear on Dancing With The Stars.
When M. S. isn't writing, she can usually be found reading– oops, scratch that! She is always writing.
For more information:
www.msparker.com
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