by Lauren Helms
I hear her on the other side of the door say, “You are not fine,” but then I hear nothing more. I turn off the light and crawl into bed.
That’s when the tears fall in earnest. It doesn’t matter if he cheated on me or not. The fact is that I can’t handle this. This relationship is too much for me. It’s either great, moving too fast, or full of doubt and unease.
My phone starts to vibrate, and his handsome face covers the entire screen of my phone. I stare at his face in a daze and let it ring. I wait until it beeps with a voicemail. I pick up my phone and to listen to his message.
Over lots of noise and music, he booms into the phone, “Hey. I just thought I would call; I know it’s late. Bernie said I should call you. So, I am. Alright, so you are probably asleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Night, Morgan.”
I cry for a while longer before one final round of torture. I pull up Facebook on my phone, look at the photo once more and see that the Dex has been untagged from the photo.
Why are guys so clueless sometimes? I place the phone on the nightstand next to me, turning my back to the text that comes minutes later and force myself into a restless night of sleep.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Morgan
The next few days go by slowly. I’ve only communicated with Dex via a couple texts. He’s called a couple of times, but I’ve let the calls go to voicemail and then just told him that I missed his call by text. He now knows something is wrong, I’m sure. In our texts back and forth, he hasn’t brought up the photo, but neither have I. He’s asked if everything is ok, and I just reply with a “sure” if I even reply to the question at all.
Both Gia and Ruby have given me their opinions. While they each have different thoughts on what might have happened, they both believe that one, it’s not what it seems, two, I need to talk to Dex about this, and three, I shouldn’t do anything rash.
The thing is, though, I think I know what I’m going to do, and I don’t think my decision is rash. I think falling for a guy I’ve only known for such a short time is more rash than ending a relationship. I think the fact that I’ve been feeling uneasy for a couple weeks now is a big red flag.
But the thought of never seeing Dex again makes my heart constrict in pain. The thought of never kissing him again causes a rock to form in the bottom of my stomach.
Ugh. That doesn’t matter. Does it? No. It doesn’t. I can’t keep living like this. Maybe the fact of the matter is Dex is not my soulmate. I’m just infatuated with him. I’m just in lust. Yeah, lust. Not love. Definitely not love.
Gia went over to Ruby’s tonight, I suspect because Dex got back about an hour ago and is coming over. I’m going to ask Dex about the girl and the kiss, and I’m going to listen to what he has to say. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. This decision reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother a couple months before she died.
I heard through the grapevine that my boyfriend Ryan had decided that the head cheerleader from the neighboring school was "more fun" than I. He took her on a few dates, and as the rumors went, they got hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. I didn't want to believe that he would do that, but the news still devastated me.
When I got home that day after school, the day I found out, I found my mom in her favorite spot in the house—what she called the “reading room.” Really, it was just the room she spent her days in since she was too weak to move about the house on her own. I sank down into the overstuffed loveseat next to my mom and just bawled my eyes out. She sat her book down on the end table and put an arm around me while I cried.
"Sweetie, what in the world is wrong?” she asked.
"Ryan has been seeing some cheerleader from another school. He's been making out with her, and who knows what else he's done!"
"Did Ryan tell you this, or did you see them together?"
"Well no, but it’s all everyone is talking about at school.”
"Then why are you crying? It seems like this is just a rumor, have you even spoken to Ryan about it yet?
"No," I said through sniffles.
"Ok, well maybe you should go give him a call."
"But what if he lies to me? How will I know if he lies to me, Mom? He's seemed kind of distant lately, and I've been feeling a bit off about our relationship for the last couple of weeks."
"Look, Morgan, you have to trust your significant other, and when it all boils down to it, you either trust him or you don't. Go with your gut, make the decision and live with it. You can't go back and forth, and trust him one day but not the next. No one has time for that, and you don't want to be in that kind of relationship. So, talk to him, get his side of the story and then decide. Your soulmate is out there somewhere, so don’t waste your time with cheaters and heartbreakers."
But forty-five minutes later, I was in her lap again crying because Ryan and I had broken up. His excuse was that they just happened to be at the same place at the same time, and that was it. However, he went on to say, “Honestly, Morgan, even if I did take someone else out, what do you expect? You don’t ever want to hang out anymore. All you want to do is spend time at home. You’ve become a real bore, and it really feels like you don’t even want a boyfriend.” He said this so matter-of-factly that my jaw dropped, and I just gaped at the phone for a second or two.
Jerk.
Looking back on it now, he was kind of right. I wasn’t fun anymore. There was nothing fun in my life at that time. I was losing my mom. I guess wanting to spend as much time with her was cramping his style.
What if this is happening again? I’ve fallen for someone I can’t trust. Can I trust Dex? I want to trust him, my heart says I can, but I don’t like this feeling in my gut. I really thought Dex was different. I really wanted Dex to be different.
There is a knock at the door, and I slowly stand up from the couch and cross the room to open it. I haven’t seen him in four days. Two things happen; all the uneasiness I’ve been feeling seems to dissipate into thin air at the sight of him, but then I’m hit head-on by a massive wave of anxiety.
I open the door wider and say, “Hey.”
He walks in and leans in to give me a kiss, but in a total bitch move, I turn my head slightly so he gets my cheek. I hate that I did that, but I know if I let him kiss me, I will lose my resolve.
He pulls back and a look of confusion sets on his face. I close the door and head back to the couch. I tuck a leg up underneath me and hold a pillow to my chest.
“How’d you guys do in the tournament?” I ask, buying some time.
He’s sitting next to me but sits in an uncomfortable perch on the couch.
“We did fine. Second place. We should have won it, but I guess my mind was elsewhere.”
“Oh.”
“Morgan. What’s going on?”
With a sigh, because we might as well get into this now, I say, “I saw the picture.”
His eyebrows knit together and then his face falls. “Oh yeah, that. Well, that was nothing.”
“It was nothing? It looked like more than nothing to me.”
“I didn’t know Kelsey was going to post it. I should have asked her not to.”
So, he does know her? “Kelsey? You know her?”
He cringes a little and says, “Yes.” He pauses. “She’s an ex.”
Heat is starting to creep up my body. “Did you cheat on me Dex?” I ask surprisingly calm given how I was feeling. My emotions and thoughts start to go haywire.
“Absolutely not, Morgan,” he says quickly.
Ok, there it was. He said he didn’t cheat on me. Do I believe him?
“God, Morgan. Why would I cheat on you? I already dated her and broke up with her once. I wouldn’t do it again.” He looks appalled that I would ask such a thing.
Now I’m pissed. “Well, excuse me. A freaking photo of some chick kissing my boyfriend shows up on Facebook while he is out doing God-knows-what in another state, and I can’t question him about it?” The pitch of my voice starts t
o rise.
“Doing God-knows-what? You knew exactly what I was doing, Morgan. I was there for a tournament. What do you think I do when I travel? Go and party the whole time?” Now he’s getting mad.
“Actually, I don’t know what you do because I’m here when you’re there! I’m not your keeper. I don’t know what you do in your downtime,” I say snottily.
“Seriously. Morgan, you need to get over the traveling thing. I have to travel. It’s non-negotiable. I know you have a fear of being left behind, but come on. I have to travel, and if you aren’t going to go with me, then you need to deal with it.”
“I do not have a fear of being left behind, Dex, and I can’t travel with you. For one,” I hold up a finger, “I have a real job. And two,” I hold up another, “I’d be bored out of my freaking mind.” I shout this at him. I know I’m being mean, but I don’t care. He is too.
His eyes go hard and cold when he says, “So now I find out that my girlfriend doesn’t consider my job a real job. Nice, Morgan. Really nice. You could have mentioned this before I took you to meet my parents.”
I flinch at this. I don’t really think his job isn’t real, I’m just really pissed at him right now. Drawing in a slow and steady breath, I say, “Dex. I don’t think this is working.”
“What isn’t working, Morgan?”
“Us. You and me.”
He clenches his jaw and stares at me with something unreadable in his eyes.
The way he looks at me makes me nervous so I quickly add, “We moved way too fast. I wasn’t ready for this kind of relationship, and I can’t handle your schedule. I’m sorry, but I think we need to stop seeing each other.”
Tears form in my eyes while I say the last part. I don’t want this to be the last time I see him, but I can’t keep going in this direction.
Hurt flashes in his eyes before it’s replaced with anger. “Fine, Morgan. You’ve obviously thought about this. I can see now that the night was going to end this way, whether or not I told you the truth about Kelsey. Glad to see honesty is so important to you.” He spits out the last sentence as he walks to the door.
Tears stream down my face in silence. I’m letting him walk away.
I have to let him walk away.
“This is bullshit Morgan, and you know it,” he says bitterly.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. It’s part statement, but more of a plea.
He shoves a hand through his hair then opens the door. He looks at me one last time with slumped shoulders and dull eyes and says, “Yeah. Me too.” He steps out of the apartment and closes the door behind him.
The tears become less silent after that.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Morgan
I don't know how long I sit on the couch crying. It could have been minutes or hours, I don't know, but eventually, I make my way back to my room and crawl into my bed. I'm still fully dressed, but I don’t care. I allow myself to unleash a big ugly cry. The kind of cry you don't want anyone else to ever see or hear. I hear my phone vibrate on the nightstand next to it but ignore it. Probably thirty minutes later I hear it again. I turn over and look at it. Hoping that it isn't Dex.
Gia: Is it ok for me to come home?
Gia: Should I stay at Ruby's?
Morgan: no.
Gia: Is Dex still there?
Morgan: no. We broke up.
Gia: What? I'm on my way home.
I put my phone back on my nightstand and roll back over to face the wall. I lie there momentarily, just staring at the wall. No tears come.
Good. I'll get over this. Before I know it, a soft knock comes from my bedroom door.
"Morgan, it's me." I hear her as she comes slowly in the room. I answer with a sniff.
She sits down on my bed but says nothing. Then I hear Ruby whisper, "I brought the Advil, water, and tissues." Then I hear said supplies being placed on the nightstand followed by Gia climbing over me to sit against the wall and Ruby taking her spot.
"Morgan, can you please tell us what happened?" Gia whispers.
"I broke up with him," I say through a croak. My voice is hoarse since this is the first time I've actually spoken in more than an hour, I think.
"Ok. But why? Is it because of the photo?" she asks in a coaxing tone.
I heave a sigh and push myself into a sitting position but keep my head against the wall before answering.
"Kind of," I reply.
Gia sighs, but it's Ruby who says, "Mo, you're going to have to give us more than that."
I close my eyes. I don't want to talk about this. They are going to think I’m crazy.
"We were moving too fast, and I just didn't like feeling left behind when he traveled. He has to do that a lot. I guess I just didn't like the way I felt when I’m not with him, and I'm not ok with that." I open my eyes, and they are both staring at me with concern etched on their faces.
"And how do you feel when you're not with him?" Gia prompts.
"I feel insecure and needy. I feel like I can't be without him and that he's going to forget about me while he is out doing his thing. I know that it’s probably idiotic, but it’s how I feel,” I say, defensively.
They both exchange a quick look then I add, “And that was his ex-girlfriend by the way. The chick kissing him in the picture."
"What? Really? Did he tell you or did you find that out on Facebook?" Ruby asks.
"He told me. And he didn't seem to think it was a big deal."
"It's kind of a big deal, though," she agrees.
I go on to tell them about the fight. At some point, I start to cry again. Ruby keeps shoving tissues in my hand. When I finish, she hands me some Advil and the glass of water, which I'm grateful for; all the crying I've done will make for a horrible headache in the morning.
"Do you think you made a mistake?" Gia asks. She was quiet through the whole recount of the breakup. Ruby asked questions and kept me on point if I stopped for too long to cry.
"Wh-What? Do I think I made a mistake? Why would you ask that Gia?" I ask her with accusation
"Calm down. I just…think that maybe you got a little trigger happy." I glare at her. "Stop giving me that look, Morgan. Hear me out. You guys just had your first fight, and you break up with him? You don't think that's a little dramatic?"
"You think I'm being dramatic?" I stammer.
"Kind of, yeah," she says with sympathy.
I process what she just said, and realize she's right. We had our first fight tonight, and I made it our last and only fight. The tears start up again as the realization overcomes me.
Gia scoots across the bed puts her arm around me and lets me cry. This, of course, causes me to cry even harder.
As this round of crying comes to an end, I peer up at Ruby. She offers a small smile and says, "You know you can apologize to him. I know you guys can work this out." At the same time, Gia gives my shoulders a squeeze as encouragement.
I shake my head. "No. We can't work it out. I might have jumped the gun on breaking up with him, but it would have happened sooner or later. I guess it's better this way. So, I didn't get any more attached to him."
Gia removes her arm and leans away from me. I steal a quick glance at Ruby, and she is gaping at me.
"Are you serious?" Gia asks stunned. "Morgan, did you really just sabotage your relationship with a great guy because you are worried if you keep getting attached to him that you will ultimately break up?"
"Yes," I squeak.
"Wow," she says with utter disbelief shaking her head.
Ruby clears her throat. "Why are you so convinced that your relationship with Dex was bound to end in heartbreak?"
"Because they always do!" I say more forcefully than expected.
"No, two have. You've only allowed yourself two relationships," Gia counters.
"Yeah, well, every guy I've ever cared about has either cheated on me or left me!" I say with my voice climbing an octave. "Ryan cheated on me. Dylan left me without even giving me a second though
t and my dad…he just stopped being around. I wasn't enough for him after my mom died. See?! They all break my heart!"
I'm yelling at this point. Fresh tears are streaming down my face at the realization of what just came out of my mouth. I take a deep breath and say in a much calmer, but shaky voice, "I liked Dex too much, too fast, and that scared me. I refuse to get my heart broken again because that's what happens."
While Ruby has unshed tears in her eyes at my admission, Gia almost looks sated. Like that was what she wanted to hear.
"At least you finally admitted it." She doesn't say this in a cold, I-told-you-so tone, but instead laced with relief.
"You were never going to get anywhere in a relationship if you couldn't even admit that your dad pretty much leaving you after your mom passed away affected you as much as it did. As long as I’ve known you, you just brush it aside, like it doesn't matter that he was never around, but I know it does. And it's affected how you see yourself and how you navigate relationships."
I can only stare at her. I blink through the tears before I place my head in my hands and heave a huge sigh.
In an almost whisper I make one more admission, "He broke my heart the most."
Shortly after that, Gia and Ruby head to bed, and I am unsurprisingly unable to fall asleep.
***
I sleep almost the whole next day. Ruby and Gia are in the apartment. I can hear them moving around, and I can hear them talking, but I stay in my room and in bed. I promise myself one day to wallow. After that, I am going to move on with my life. I am going to focus on work and get through my growing pile of books I want to read. Admittedly, once Dex and I started dating, I didn’t get a lot of time to read. So, I guess there is something to look forward to. Maybe.
By early evening, I start to get restless and hungry. I haven't eaten at all today. I have decided to make my way into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal when I receive a text.
Dex: Morgan, I'm sorry about last night. Let's talk about this. I don't want this to be over.
