“But what do I do? Am I going to see Neil every time I do something with Jordan? I loved him, Billy. Neil was the love of my life. I’m worried that something deep in my gut thinks I’m cheating.”
Billy pointed at his head. He said, “Think up here. Does your brain think you’re cheating?”
I said, “No, of course not. Everybody should have the right to look for someone new when they lose a partner. I believe that. I think it’s healthy.”
“Would Neil think you’re cheating? Did you get to talk about it?”
I shook my head. “No, we never did. Until the very end, Neil thought he could fight it. He insisted that AIDS wouldn’t win.”
Billy hung his head and said, “But it did. I understand how that can make things even harder, but it also means you have to think for yourself, Marshall. Then it means you have to figure out how to get those rational thoughts to travel from your head to your gut.”
I shook my head and said, “I don’t know. I’m not sure how to do that.”
“Well, I know one way that you won’t deal with it.”
“How’s that?”
“You won’t deal with it by ignoring Jordan. I think he deserves to have you tell him about Neil. If you get serious at all, he will find out anyway. That photo on your dresser is a pretty clear announcement. It’s better to have him know who Neal was instead of walking into your bedroom and thinking he has competition.”
“Yes, you’re probably right, Billy. I hope he doesn’t think I’m totally fucked up already. I was going to put the photo away anyway.”
Billy said, “In the long run it’s probably a good thing to put that photo away, but don’t put it away because you’re trying to hide something. Jordan is just a little frustrated and confused.”
I asked, “And how do you know that?”
“I talked to him at the last softball game. You know, the one that you missed. Jordan was there like usual with those high school boys, and he asked me about you.”
I squeezed my thighs with my hands and said, “You didn’t say anything about Neil, did you?”
Billy was silent. He leaned back against the corner of the couch.
I asked, “You did?”
Billy said, “It was an accident. It just sort of rolled out of my mouth when he asked if you would be at the next game.”
“What did you tell him about Neil?”
“Nothing of any significance, Marshall. I just said he was a long ago boyfriend and you were having some memories of him.”
I asked, “But what does it look like if I freak out over those memories. Shit, I need to talk to him so he doesn’t get all the wrong ideas.”
“I think you need to talk to him in general.”
I pressed my hands against both sides of my head. I grumbled, “Why does it have to be so difficult? Dating Jordan was supposed to be easy summer fun.”
Billy said, “Maybe he’s worth more than looking at it that way. There’s potential, Marshall. I think there’s real potential.”
14
Jordan
Marshall apologized as soon as I answered the phone. He said, “I’ve really been kind of a mess the last several days, and I need to explain why, if you will let me.”
I said, “Of course you can explain. I am a little bit confused, but I’ll do almost anything if it means I get to hug you again.” I laughed softly, and he joined in.
“Do you want to come over to my place or me to yours? Or would it be more comfortable if we met somewhere in public?”
I said, “Marshall, I’m not scared of you. At least I don’t think I have any reason I should be. I would be happy to come to your place and get to see what your house is like, if that works okay for you.”
I could hear the smile in his voice and he said, “That sounds great. Is ordering pizza okay? Then hopefully I can clear all of this up.”
“All I have to say is, do you want me there at 7?”
Marshall said, “I’ll see you then.”
* * *
Marshall’s house was a small story and a half bungalow. It was one of the smaller houses on his street, but it stood out by being set a little further back from the street. He had a neatly trimmed and tidy front yard. He told me on an earlier date that he bought the house fifteen years back. He said that sometimes it acted like a money pit but then he could go for three or four years without having to make any major repairs or conduct any significant upkeep projects. He said that what it needed now was a good new coat of paint.
Marshall asked, “What’s that in your hand?” when he opened the door.
I said, “I brought some homemade cookies. They’re chocolate chip. I thought they would work well as dessert after our pizza.”
Marshall grinned and said, “That’s a great idea. Let’s put them in on the kitchen table and then we can sit on the couch while I order the pizza. What do you like on your pizza?”
I said, “I’m sort of a traditionalist I guess. I usually just get pepperoni and sausage.”
“That works for me,” said Marshall. He pulled out his phone and then sat on one end of the couch. He patted the cushion between his legs and I sat with him pushing back up against his body as he made the call.
Marshall’s mood was bright and relaxed. He wasn’t the same man I saw leaving my house in a rush. Instead, he was much more like the guy I first met on the softball field.
He said, “The pizza should be here in about thirty minutes. They say give it forty, but it’s always early. The pizza place is only about ten blocks from here.”
Marshall set his phone on the coffee table and then wrapped both arms around my chest. After a quick rub, he gripped my chin in his hand and slowly turned my head to face him as he leaned forward. We shared a kiss. It was a quick one, but when our tongues touched, it made my toes curl in my sneakers. I was instantly reminded how much I missed Marshall over the past week.
I decided to rip the Band-Aid off quickly and I asked, “Is it okay if I ask about Neil?”
“Wow, you get right to the point, Jordan. I guess that’s good, though, since the subject is already out there. Otherwise, we would both spend the evening wondering when Neil would come up and I would get more and more worried.”
I reached up and touched his arm rubbing my fingers gently along the strong forearm muscles. I said, “I guess I wasn’t necessarily supposed to know anything about him, but Billy mentioned him casually, and I asked a question. He’s an old boyfriend?”
Marshall leaned forward and kissed the side of my head. He said, “Neil was a former partner. We were deeply in love.”
I asked, “What happened?”
“He got sick.”
I gripped Marshall’s arm. “Oh, man, I’m really sorry to hear that. Was it really bad. Did he get over whatever it was?”
Marshall sighed heavily and said, “Neil is dead. He’s been gone for over twenty years now.”
I sat in silence for a moment and then said, “Wow. Did he have cancer? A brain tumor?”
“AIDS” said Marshall almost in a whisper.
I froze. I didn’t know what to say. Instead, I just continued to rub his arm. Finally, I said, “That’s awful.”
Marshall leaned the side of his face against mine, and he said, “Yes, but I need to move past it. It was such a long time ago.”
I said, “And you were really young.”
Marshall said, “Yes, we were really young.”
“Before you say anything else, I have to ask, and I guess the right time to ask this would have been a few weeks ago. Are you poz?”
Marshall shook his head. He said, “I’ve been tested over and over. It has never been detected. Neil and I used protection. Obviously, he didn’t use it all the time before he met me. The doctors said there is always a possibility I have tiny amounts of rogue virus lurking in my body, but they said with a condom, there is less than a chance in a million that anyone I have sex would be infected.”
I held on to Marshall’s arm. “I
’m not worried about that. I know you would be responsible about something like that. It’s awful. I’m so sorry, Marshall.”
He rubbed his cheek against mine again and sighed. “So I know that it has made it hard for me to connect in a really deep way with other men. I let it interfere with us, and for that I’m sorry.”
I turned my shoulders so that I could face Marshall. His face looked like he was thinking deeply. I asked, “So does it make you feel like you’re cheating on Neil?”
He nodded and said, “That’s exactly how it feels. That’s how it feels in my gut, but I know in my head that I’m not. My head tells me that Neil would have wanted me to find someone else long before now.”
I said, “Well, maybe you were just waiting for me.”
Marshall chuckled softly and said, “Maybe so.”
I added, “I do have some experience with things like this.”
“How do you?” asked Marshall. “You’re too young.”
I said, “My parents.”
“Your parents?”
I said, “Yeah. We lost my dad when I was just six years old. He fell asleep at the wheel late one night after a fourteen hour work day. He was on his way home when his car plunged into the back of a semi-trailer truck. They said he died instantly. It’s unlikely that he ever knew what happened.”
Marshall squeezed me tighter and whispered, “How horrible.”
Nodding, I said, “Yeah, it was. It was really surreal as a kid. One morning my dad was around waking me up, getting us breakfast, and then he never came home. For a long time, I was convinced he was still out there somewhere and eventually he would come home. Not even the tombstone with his name on it could convince me otherwise. I used to ask my mom, ‘Do you think Dad will come home this weekend?’”
“And your mom? How did she deal with it” asked Marshall.
“She didn’t even go out on a date with anybody else until I was twelve. Then she asked both me and my older sister if it was okay.”
“Was it?” asked Marshall.
“I had a little twinge in my gut, but I didn’t think she should be alone forever, so I said yes. That relationship didn’t last more than one date, but it got her started. Then when I was fifteen, she met my stepdad.”
“That all went smoothly?” asked Marshall.
“From the outside, yes, but I remember lurking outside the kitchen one night listening to her talk to her mom, my grandmother. The conversation got pretty heated, because Grandma said, ‘He’s a good man. David is gone. He’s not coming back, and I’m certain he wouldn’t want you to be alone.’”
I said, “My stepfather is a great man. I don’t remember my father very well, because I was so young, but they haven’t totally forgotten about my father. There are still a couple of photos of him with my mom and us as kids around the house, and every year on Memorial Day we still go out to the cemetery and put flowers on my father’s grave. He served in the military so it’s a very logical day to do that. My mom and stepdad live up in Green Bay, so it’s a quick trip there from here. I go and come back the same day.”
Marshall kissed the side of my neck and was quiet. I rubbed his arm. Then he reached a hand up and wiped at his left eye. I turned my head. He said, “I’m sorry,” and then he sniffed.
I twisted on the couch so that I was lying on my side resting against Marshall’s broad chest. I looked up into his handsome, sculpted face. I said, “You don’t have to apologize. It’s really hard. I think one of the hardest things to do is to let yourself cry when you feel like crying. That’s what my mom said. Sometimes she still feels like crying, but that doesn’t mean she loves my stepdad any less.”
Marshall wiped at his eye again and looked down at me. In his deep, rumbling voice he asked, “How did I find you? Can you run that by me again?”
I grinned and said, “I was the softball fan who didn’t know very much about softball. But I knew a great man when I saw him.”
Marshall inclined his head downward and we kissed. I could taste the saltiness of his tears on his tongue. I rubbed my hand against his chest while the kiss alternated from gentle to feverish. Then finally I pulled back and kissed the side of Marshall’s neck while he let out a low moan. He asked, “Can we start this all over again?”
I said, “I’m not sure we need to start over, but I think we can recognize that we hit a speed bump and successfully made it over the top.”
Marshall nodded and said, “I like that way of looking at it.” He wrapped his arms tighter around me again and then said, “I just want to hold you like this for awhile, Jordan. I just want to hold you.”
15
Jordan
Two weeks later, I had a bounce in my step everywhere that I went. My relationship with Marshall was back on track and going well. We were seeing each other every third day. Sex was significantly less awkward, and Marshall even decided to try letting me be on top. It didn’t work quite as well as with Marshall on top, but it was fun giving it a try.
The Soft Serves kept winning, and I made a lot of progress during the day on my plans for teaching in the fall. At the urging of Ian, I went out to lunch with Blake to talk with him about his position at the school. He was nervous about what the teachers might think about him.
I said, “Blake, you’re a coach without a classroom teaching assignment. I’m not sure you will really see the other teachers that much. I think you will be spending most of your time around the gym and in the athletic department.”
Blake said, “I guess that’s good. I’ll feel fairly comfortable there.” He said, “You know, Jordan, I didn’t do very well in school. I was one of the jocks who just sort of skated through because the coaches knew how important I was to the baseball team.”
I did my best to smile at him. Passing athletes through classes was one of my pet peeves. I did everything that I could to avoid those kind of situations. Now I was confronted with one of those former students who turned into one of the sweetest men I knew. I said, “Those days are over, Blake. They will respect you for your achievements in baseball and for how you work with the students. We don’t sit around discussing our own academic backgrounds.”
Blake grinned at me. He said, “That’s a relief.” He added, “Jordan, I want you to know. If you’re having any problems with one of my players in class, I want you to tell me about it. I don’t want any of them to end up in my situation.”
A look of confusion passed over my face. I said, “Your situation doesn’t sound that bad. You’re a coach. You’ve got an outstanding partner in Ian. You’re leading a winning softball team…”
Blake shook his head and said, “You didn’t know me when I first got hurt and left the minors.”
“You were injured?” I asked.
“I broke my leg. That’s what ended my baseball career, and I didn’t know how to do anything else. I didn’t have any idea what I could do as a real job. Fortunately, I was living next door to Ian, and he took me in. Then Reggie found me the bartender job. I’ve had a really excellent string of good luck with help from the best group of friends a guy could want. I don’t want my luck to end when I start coaching.”
“My gut says you’ll be fine, Blake. You have one of the best hearts of all the men that I know.”
Blake smiled at me across the table and said, “Thanks, Jordan. I needed that.”
* * *
Later that night, I was sitting on the couch looking at recipes on my laptop computer. My cooking skills were still a little on the rudimentary side, but I wanted to cook something for my date with Marshall the following night. He was coming over to my place, and I wanted something more than just pizza again.
My phone rang just as I spotted a salmon recipe that looked easy. Marshall sounded cheerful, but the good mood was a little forced. He said, “Jordan, how are you?”
I said, “I’m doing fine. I’m just thinking about dinner tomorrow night. How about you?”
He said, “I needed to call because I thought I would get ever
ything done in time, but I’m going to be a little late getting to your house tomorrow.”
“Can I meet you somewhere? Would that help.”
Marshall said, “No, tomorrow is Neil’s birthday.”
I said, “Oh, wow. That’s a big day. Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I think I’m fine. I have a meeting at the university in the afternoon, and then I’m going to take flowers to the cemetery. I do that every year on Neil’s birthday. The meeting was originally going to be earlier in the afternoon, but they moved it to two hours later. I can’t really miss either thing. I’m sorry.”
I quickly ran ideas through my head. I wondered if I could be helpful when I asked, “Would you like me to come with you, Marshall?”
There was a long pause, and then Marshall said, “I didn’t think of that. Would you want to? I mean, cemeteries aren’t exactly fun places for most people.”
I said, “I would be with you. I can’t spend too much time with you, Marshall.”
He said, “Well, if you really want to.”
“I would like to. Neil is an important part of your life, and even as we get closer, he’s never going to go away. Or at least I don’t want him to go away.”
I heard sniffling on the other end. Marshall said, “Thank you, Jordan. That’s so wonderful. I’ll swing by and pick you up after the meeting at the university.”
* * *
It was a beautiful day when we arrived at Birch Grove Cemetery. The sun was out with only a few high, puffy white clouds in the sky. It was a warm summer day, but the humidity was low. The cemetery was on the edge of the city in an area that was once a separate village but was later absorbed when the city expanded. Marshall explained that multiple generations of Neil’s family lived in the village, and when they requested that he be buried there, Marshall didn’t have any choice in the matter.
Uneasy Pieces: The League, Book 4 Page 8
