by L. A. Witt
But the longer they lay there, the longer he held Lucas close enough to feel his heart beating, the more he believed this was really happening.
He kissed the top of Lucas’s head.
How did I get so lucky?
Falling into bed with Lucas the first time had been a novelty and a relief all at once. Sex with someone new. The realization that he still had a libido and desires, and that someone could still want him.
Tonight, it was just pure relief.
You’re here. I’m here.
And I love you.
Chapter 28
Neither of them spoke for a long time. Lucas rested his head on Nate’s shoulder, and he spent a while just savoring their combined body heat and the way Nate’s fingers drifted up and down his back.
Physically, he was exhausted. Between the long day and the sex, not to mention the emotional roller coaster of the last eighteen hours, he was as wrung out as he’d been in a long time.
His mind was fully awake, though. Hell, he was almost jittery. Not nervous per se, but like things weren’t quite settled.
After a while he turned on his side and met Nate’s eyes. “So we’re really doing this?”
Nate’s smile had an uneasy edge. “If you’re on board, I’m on board.”
“I am. I guess I . . .” Lucas chewed his lip, not sure how to put his thoughts into words.
“Hmm?” Nate shifted around so they were facing each other. “What’s on your mind?”
Lucas still couldn’t quite find the words. He rubbed his tired eyes. “I’m not sure. I mean, I’m not questioning if you love me or not. I guess . . .” He hesitated, then took a deep breath. “I guess what I need to know is if you’re still on the rebound.”
Nate watched his fingers trailing across Lucas’s collarbone. “Yes. I am.” His eyes flicked up. “I’m definitely still dealing with my divorce, and I will be for a while. We had ten years together. That doesn’t go away overnight.” He touched Lucas’s cheek. “But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
“Are you dealing with it, though?” Lucas asked softly.
“I haven’t been, but I’m working on that. Talking to Caleb was a step in the right direction. And I can check with Fleet and Family Services on base. They’ve got counselors, so . . .” He shrugged. “I’m sure they’ve got someone who can help me.”
Lucas’s heart fluttered. “You’d really do that?”
“Of course. I’ve been ignoring it for too long because I didn’t want to think about it, and because of that I almost lost you.” Nate ran his fingers through Lucas’s hair. “I need to get my shit together anyway, but I also don’t want to fuck things up with you.” He paused. “I’m serious about reining things back if you want to. We don’t have to do this at ninety miles an hour. We can just keep doing things the way we have and let it progress from there. Or go even slower than that.”
Lucas kissed Nate’s palm and smiled. “I don’t think we could put on the brakes if we wanted to.”
“No, probably not.”
“We don’t have to rush it, though. And the whole dealing with your divorce thing—if there’s anything I can do to help . . .”
Nate kissed his forehead. “You’ve already done more than I ever should’ve asked you to. All I want from you is . . . well, you.”
“Well, that’s good, because that’s about all I have.”
Their eyes met, and they both laughed softly.
Lucas traced the tiger’s spine with his fingertip. “So are you going to keep this?”
Nate looked at it, then at Lucas, and he nodded. “Yeah. I think I might.” He paused. “It doesn’t bother you? Me keeping the tattoo I got to match my ex-husband’s?”
Lucas thought about it for a moment, still sliding his finger back and forth along the cat’s outline. Then he shook his head. “No. It doesn’t.” He met Nate’s gaze, and smiled. “If you didn’t have it, I might never have met you.”
“Probably not, no. That’s actually a lot of what I’ve been thinking about today—that some of the shit in the past hurt, and some of it still hurts, but it’s like it was all leading me here.” Nate caressed Lucas’s cheek. “And now that I am here, it was all worth it.”
Lucas’s heart fluttered. The road he’d taken to get here hadn’t been smooth either, and now that Nate mentioned it, yeah. Yeah, it had been worth it. Heartaches, divorces, and all. Even the one long day he’d spent believing this was over.
He ran the backs of his fingers along Nate’s collarbone. “I know we weren’t apart for very long, but . . . I really did miss you.”
“Me too.” Nate frowned. “Speaking of—you know that being with me, deployments are part of the game, right? My squadron’s been home for almost a year now, so . . . probably within the next eighteen months. . . .”
Lucas nodded. “Yeah. And no, I’m not looking forward to that part.” He grinned. “But after seeing Daniel and Colin after Daniel’s deployment, I’m thinking that part at the end might be worth it.”
Nate kissed him softly. “I know it will be. It won’t be fun, but coming home to you . . .” He held Nate’s gaze, and smiled.
Lucas returned it. Then he lifted his head and kissed Nate, and nothing else needed to be said. They’d found their way back to each other. When the time came for Nate’s squadron to deploy, Lucas would miss him like crazy, but it would all be worth it when Nate came back.
Just like it had been worth it to leave, if only so they could both realize what they really had to lose. It was the wakeup call Nate had needed to actually face down his divorce and process everything still festering in its aftermath.
And now that they’d made it back to each other, Lucas realized he’d needed it too. Not just to knock some sense into Nate, but to drive it home to him how much he loved Nate and how much he wanted to make this work.
He didn’t regret walking out this morning, but damn, he was glad he’d come back tonight.
And he couldn’t wait to see where tomorrow took them.
Epilogue
Six Months Later
Nate shrugged off the bitter winter wind as he stepped out of Jon’s car. December. Daniel and Colin just had to pick December. When the weather was wet and shitty and gray and fucking cold. Thank God it was an indoor wedding.
Fortunately, last week’s snowfall, which had pretty much shut down the entire area for three solid days, had mostly melted, and aside from some gray slush on the sidewalks, the roads were clear. There wasn’t anything hazardous—and Jon was driving anyway, so Nate didn’t have to worry about it—but it was cold as balls today.
Nate gritted his teeth against the chill as he and Lucas followed Jon and Matt into the VFW hall. Neither groom was religious, so instead of a church, they’d rented this place out instead. The building wasn’t much from the outside. Just a boxy place with small windows and a few neon signs advertising the beers they served in the bar, plus the Veterans of Foreign Wars sign above the door.
Inside, though, it wasn’t half bad. Warm, for one thing—that was more than enough for Nate on a day like this—but also brightly lit and tastefully decorated for both Christmas and a wedding. A handwritten sign directed guests to leave gifts under the tree, which was sagging under the weight of ten thousand military-themed ornaments and a string of Budweiser lights.
The guys left their gifts in the growing pile and wandered in to the event hall, where a few dozen chairs had been set up for the ceremony. Quite a few guests were already there, and Nate was pretty sure he’d never seen this many Sailors in uniform outside of a military function.
Like his shipmates, Daniel was in his dress blues, but Nate and Jon had both worn suits instead of their uniforms. This was Daniel’s day—he didn’t need to worry about saluting his guests if they ended up outdoors.
Nate recognized a lot of the civilians from Pete’s frequent barbecues. The rest were either obviously related to Colin or seemed to be attached to the various guys in uniform—spouses and kid
s, probably.
That wasn’t surprising, but it was kind of sad. From what Nate had gathered, Daniel was still estranged from most of his family, though his teenage sister was there. Fortunately, the guys from his ship had come in droves. Fully half the room was a sea of Sailors in their dress blues.
Though he was sad for Daniel being estranged from his family, Nate couldn’t help but smile at the thick crowd of Sailors. It hadn’t been all that long since DADT, and even without that regulation in place, gay men hadn’t always been in a big hurry to advertise their sexuality to their shipmates. Eleven years ago, he’d been incredibly cautious about how many people knew he had a boyfriend. When he and Caleb had gotten married, and when they’d gone to their first military function together, they’d been nervous.
But now, there were so many Sailors here with their spouses and kids, it was almost standing room only. In fact, some of the old grizzled veterans in the VFW bar had come over to congratulate Daniel and Colin. Times had changed.
He could only imagine the comfort Daniel found in that, too. His family wanted nothing to do with his marriage, but he’d packed the house with so many friends from both the Navy and Skin Deep, Inc., it must’ve soothed some of that sting. Dozens of people had turned out to support him and his husband-to-be; the family who’d turned their backs on him could eat a dick.
The ceremony was short and sweet. Both grooms struggled to keep their emotions in check, and Nate even caught himself getting a little choked up as he watched them trying to hold it together while they slid the rings onto each other’s fingers. When they sealed their marriage with a kiss, the room erupted with the kind of roaring cheers that only happened in a room full of rowdy Sailors, and Nate finally did have to wipe away a tear at that point. He was happy beyond words for the newly married couple, but it was the unabashed support of Daniel’s shipmates that truly moved him.
For all that people bitched about today’s military being too soft, he decided it could do a lot worse than be in the hands of kids like this.
* * *
At the reception, Nate and Lucas joined Matt and Jon at a table with Pete, his wife, and another couple Nate hadn’t met yet. As they ate dinner, Nate couldn’t help marveling at how much different things were after a year and some change. Last December, he’d been getting ready for another Christmas with his husband, all the while pretending that nagging worry in the back of his mind was just his imagination. A few weeks later, he’d confirmed that it wasn’t his imagination, and that had been the end of their marriage.
If he remembered right, this was also around the time things had started changing between Matt and Jon, too. Jon, the perpetual bachelor and unrepentant manwhore, had started getting stars in his eyes whenever anyone so much as mentioned Matt. Nate had known then. When the two of them had blown off the Christmas party, and when Jon had started wearing that ridiculous smile all the time . . . yeah, he’d known. Jon hadn’t. He’d been firmly in denial, insisting he wasn’t changing his ways for anyone, but they’d known each other too long for Nate to miss that his best friend was falling in love.
And now, here they were. Nate was with Lucas. Jon was with Matt. Things had changed in ways neither of them could have predicted a year ago, and Nate had a feeling Jon was as happy as he was.
These days, Jon and Matt were definitely getting into the whole domestic thing. Matt had moved in to Jon’s condo over the summer, and now they were looking at buying a house. There’d been a little bit of noise about getting married, but they weren’t in a huge rush. And it wasn’t for any romantic reasons, either. They were both pretty indifferent to the idea of marriage, especially since neither had any interest in having kids, but especially with Jon being in the Navy, there was a practical side. Next-of-kin status. Matt being listed as a dependent who would accompany Jon if he transferred away from Oceana. Health insurance for Matt.
For their part, Nate and Lucas had brushed up against the subject now and then for similar reasons. Neither of them was in a big hurry to make anything happen, though. As it was, if they did decide to get married, Nate suspected it would be a justice of the peace ceremony, or they’d take off to Vegas or something. He doubted either of them wanted a big shindig like this.
On the other hand, Lucas’s mom had dropped some not-so-subtle hints on Thanksgiving about her son maybe not eloping if he got married again, and Nate had the distinct impression she was really, really hoping he’d have a real wedding this time.
Well, they’d cross that bridge when they got there. They were still unpacking boxes in the townhouse they were renting together. One thing at a time.
Speaking of which, now that they were living together, Lucas’s income wasn’t stretched quite so thin. He’d quit his office job last month, and though he’d upped his hours at Skin Deep, the lack of stress was almost visible to the naked eye. He was sleeping better, for one thing, and didn’t feel like he had the life sucked out of him at the end of every day. The tension in his forehead and shoulders was . . . not gone, but not as intense.
He’d relaxed even more since he’d started coming home from the call center and diving into his sketchbook. Drawing was an amazing outlet for him. Didn’t hurt that the designs he’d been producing lately were amazing, too, and word was getting around fast that there was a seriously talented artist working at Skin Deep. His apprenticeship was nearly over, and Colin had already offered him a full-time position, which Lucas had gladly accepted. Nate suspected it wouldn’t be more than a year before Lucas was making enough to jettison the tech-support job entirely.
Dinner came to an end, and people started mingling. As they often did at social functions, Nate and Lucas came and went from each other’s sides. The second Jon and Nate started on the shoptalk, both their boyfriends rolled their eyes and disappeared. To be fair, when they started talking ink and stencils, Jon and Nate’s eyes glazed over too.
At one point, while he was getting himself another drink in between conversations, Nate caught a glimpse of the happy couple stealing a moment to themselves. They were surrounded by people but still managed to be completely alone, looking at each other and speaking in hushed tones. No one else could possibly have heard what they were saying, but they were so obviously happy and in love—it was in the way they looked in each other’s eyes and how they both smiled when Colin trailed the backs of his fingers down his new husband’s cheek.
Nate was thrilled for them. He hadn’t known them as a couple prior to Daniel’s deployment, but ever since the deployment had ended, he’d seen quite a bit of both of them, and he definitely wished them the best. They both seemed like such nice guys, and they were obviously made for each other. More than once today, Colin had looked at Daniel, and Nate swore he had the same expression as when he’d turned around to see Daniel standing there on Pete’s deck after six long months apart. Disbelieving, and overwhelmingly in love.
Yeah. Nate smiled to himself. These two were definitely going to make it.
As for him and Lucas . . .
Well, he had to admit he was slowly warming up to the idea. The practical reasons were there, of course, but his antimarriage wall was steadily crumbling. Maybe it was just that romantic feeling that came from attending the wedding of two people who were so obviously in love.
He scanned the room for Lucas and found him over by the bar, talking to Pete, a half-full champagne flute in his hand. Lucas’s eyes flicked toward Nate, and he smiled before going back to his conversation.
Nate smiled too, more to himself than anyone, and sipped his own drink.
It was kind of funny—he’d gone to Lucas to see about covering his tattoo, and he’d found something so much better. He still had the ink, and he was okay with that. Some days, when he saw it while he was changing clothes or caught a glimpse in the bathroom mirror, he still thought about getting something new, but he was less eager to do it. The memory of his divorce didn’t hurt as much as it used to. That wasn’t to say he didn’t still have days where the grief would
get the best of him, of course. More and more, though, all it took was one look at Lucas, and he’d be okay. His marriage to Caleb had helped make him into who he was now. If he’d never been with Caleb, he never would’ve caught him cheating last winter, but it was entirely possible he never would have had what he had with Lucas now. They might not have met, and anyway, Nate wouldn’t be the person he was now—the person Lucas had fallen in love with.
So, he’d made peace with the divorce, and with it, the tattoo. It became less a reminder of the hell Caleb had put him through in the end and more a souvenir of some of the best years of his life. Even if they’d ended badly, they’d been good, and he didn’t want to forget them.
He still had every intention of getting a tattoo from Lucas at some point, though. Just not on top of the one he’d gotten to match Caleb’s. They’d be tattoos from two different times and places in his life. The bittersweet memory of one could still exist during the other.
“There you are.” Lucas playfully tugged Nate toward him by his lapel. “Thought you were hiding from me.”
Nate laughed, wrapping his arms around Lucas. “Yeah right.” He kissed him, then caught himself staring. After the better part of a year together, sometimes he still had to stop and make himself believe that, yes, Lucas was real.
I found the best thing that ever happened to me when I wasn’t even looking.
And damn near let you slip through my fingers.
Lucas blushed a little and smiled shyly. “What?”
Nate held him tighter. “Nothing. Nothing.” He cleared his throat. “So, do you think this might be something”—he made a sweeping gesture at their surroundings—“for us? Eventually?”
