by Maisey Yates
Probably the hard-on in your jeans, asshole.
It hadn’t been a full-on erection. He was thirty-two years old, he had a little bit more control than that. However, if the physical contact had gone on any longer...
Well, there was self-control and then there was being able to perform miracles. And he couldn’t do the miracle thing.
He had lied to Kaylee when he’d told her that she was the one unchanged part of his life. From that brief fantasy he’d had of her in the shower, down to this, there was something changing there too. And he hated it. He felt out of control, and he hated that more than anything.
It made him feel like that little kid he’d been on the day he found out his mother had died after giving birth to his little sister.
It hadn’t been expected. Not at all. And then, it had just been. She was dead. There was no arguing with that. No coming back from it. No fixing it.
His father had been broken, left with a squalling infant who hadn’t been able to be comforted. His oldest brother had gone into a kind of hard, serious mode. Being the man of the house. Grant, for his part, had tried to emulate that. But they were both older.
Bennett had been a little boy. But not the baby.
He hadn’t been quite old enough to feel like he could be one of the men, but he hadn’t been young enough that he could excuse crying and crawling up into his father’s arms. Anyway, Jamie had needed all of that.
He hadn’t wanted to cause more trouble. He had just wanted to fix it. What he really wanted was a time machine. To go back and stop it all somehow, but that wasn’t possible.
He wished he could have one now too. So that he could go back to before today. Maybe so he could go back months ago, when everything was simpler.
But there was no going back. And all these years of supposed control had only ever been a facade.
He thought he’d made that one mistake in high school and—as sad as it had been—he’d gotten a reprieve. Gotten an opportunity to take all that control back.
But no.
He had never been in control of anything.
And he wasn’t doing any better grabbing hold of it now.
He couldn’t predict Dallas. Couldn’t anticipate where he would put a foot right or wrong. Like climbing a mountain made of loose gravel. Couldn’t tell what would hold and what would send him plunging to his doom.
And then there was this whole thing with Kaylee. He couldn’t pretend that she hadn’t felt whatever weird-ass thing had happened then. Couldn’t pretend that she hadn’t felt it the last few times.
He had to get a grip. She had a dinner date tonight. With Michael. And he should hope it was going well.
He had stuff to work out anyway.
All right, so he couldn’t control Dallas. Dallas was a variable, because he was a person who was going to do what he wanted. Who was going to do what he could to feel in control.
That snapped something into place for Bennett. Dallas was his son. Dallas had done his very best to feel in control of an out-of-control life from the time he was a kid. Right. So he could just assume that his son’s actions came from that. That they both wanted to feel like they were in charge, that they both hated feeling helpless. That might put them at odds with each other sometimes, but at least it was something he could understand.
That made him feel better.
As for Kaylee...
This wasn’t about Kaylee. It was about his celibacy. It was about the fact that it had been more than a year since he’d had sex, and that was unreasonable.
So there was only one thing to do. He had to get laid.
* * *
MICHAEL WAS SO NICE. And he was even trying to be interesting. Maybe he was interesting. Maybe there was just something broken, deep down inside of Kaylee.
It was the Bennett cycle. That point of undeniability. When a featherlight kiss shared between her and her best friend was more exciting than the possibility of going to bed with Michael.
They made it through the entire dinner this time, at least. And when Michael had paid he asked if she wanted to take a walk down Main Street.
She agreed.
They exited the restaurant and he took her hand. It felt warm. Pleasant. Nothing else.
It didn’t feel like being lit on fire inside, a fire that was probably going to burn out of control and bring on her untimely doom, but nonetheless, an exciting one. No, it didn’t feel like that.
It was just fingers entwined with hers. Just skin. It wasn’t that extra layer of magic that came from touching Bennett.
But then, there never had been. Not with anyone else.
It was pitiful.
“Kaylee,” Michael said. “I get the feeling that you’re not with me tonight either.”
She stopped, the streetlight overhead casting a golden glow around them. It practically gave the man a halo. She couldn’t look at him. Not now. She picked a focal point behind him, the redbrick building they were standing in front of. She focused on the shop window. It was an antiques place with furniture stationed about in casual disarray. Old kitchen appliances she couldn’t name. And a taxidermic squirrel looking frozen but feral on a top shelf.
Then she gathered what meager courage she had and looked back at her date. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re not that into me,” he said, treating her to a lopsided smile.
He was cute, dammit. Why couldn’t she want to strip his clothes off him? Why couldn’t she want to kiss him, even a little bit?
“I am,” she protested, extremely unconvincing.
“I get the feeling that you want to be. And when somebody wants something to exist where it doesn’t quite as much as you seem to... I have to assume there’s another man involved.”
That made her feel like crap. It made her feel like a jerk. But there wasn’t any way she could deny it. He knew. He saw through her.
“I don’t want...” She blinked, her throat getting tight. Tighter. It hadn’t stopped aching since earlier today. It was a constant, searing pressure at the base of her neck.
“Is it the other veterinarian you work with? I know I haven’t spent a lot of time with you yet, but it seems to me like he’s on your mind a lot.”
Oh, good grief. Was it so bad that a relative stranger could guess? Or maybe that was why he could. He was coming in from the outside with no assumptions.
“He’s my friend,” she said. “Like, from junior high. My best friend.”
“And you’re not in love with him?”
She closed her eyes, wishing she could block everything out. Wishing this wasn’t happening. But that damn streetlight glowed even through her eyelids, and she could hear cars, and people leaving the bar across the street and restaurants all around them. It was definitely happening.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I would like to not be in love with him. Because he’s not in love with me.”
“I had a nice time tonight,” Michael said. “But I’m looking for something serious. And I don’t share.”
“That’s fair,” she responded, nodding.
Every man who had ever had her had been sharing her with Bennett. There was no denying that. Whether she was in love or not.
She liked to think of it as feelings. Generic feelings. Because that sounded a whole lot less serious. Less emotionally terminal. Love sounded like...
Well, it sounded like something permanent and final and much harder to deal with.
She felt like someone was pressing on her windpipe.
“I didn’t do this on purpose,” she said. “I promise. I tried... I tried. Because it’s been a lot of years of being hung up on a guy who isn’t into me. And I’m not going to just sit around. I have to try to...”
“You’re looking for someone to make it go away.”
“Yes,” she said, relieved that he unde
rstood, even if he wasn’t entirely happy about it.
“Sitting around and pining after him doesn’t work. And we own a practice together. And I care about him. In a way that means not having him in my life is unthinkable. But I just need to find somebody...”
“But if you don’t want somebody else, then there’s not much you can do with that.”
“That can’t be,” she said. “There can’t be just one person for you. Because what the hell are you supposed to do when you’re not the one for him?”
“I don’t have the answer to that. But I do know that I don’t want to be with you in this scenario.”
Ouch. That made her feel awful. How many guys had she consigned to that position? Men who had liked her, had cared for her and wanted her, but had never really had her. Because she had been obsessing about someone else. Because someone else held half of her heart.
Hell, more than half.
“Yeah. Okay.” She let go of his hand. “I hope I can still see Clarence. Well, I hope Clarence doesn’t get sick, and I don’t have to see him. But he’s a good dog.”
“He is.”
“And you’re a good man. Maybe too good for me.”
“No,” he said. “You’re just not available. It happens. You’re a good vet, and I will definitely bring Clarence back to see you.”
“Thank you.”
“Just maybe no dinner date.”
“Right.”
He took a step back and sighed heavily. “If you ever get that guy out of your system, and then it doesn’t work out... Maybe then. Good luck to you, Kaylee.”
Michael turned and walked away, leaving Kaylee standing there under the light. She felt like she was in one of those old movies where they turn the lamp on and interrogated you. Except she was the one asking the questions.
And she was the one who presumably had some answers somewhere inside of her. No one could answer them for her. She couldn’t cut Bennett out.
Getting him out of her system...that sounded like the world’s most horrible gamble. Because she could put herself out there and get rejected. Because it could only intensify her feelings. Because he might reject her. Might be the one to walk away when he found out that she wanted him.
Unless he wanted her too.
All she had to do was risk her whole world.
But this was the alternative. This loneliness. Having skin-to-skin contact with a man and having it only be skin.
She didn’t know if she could do that anymore either.
She didn’t know what she was supposed to do at all.
It was a turning point. But she didn’t know for sure which way she was going to turn.
She needed to change something. Change herself. She’d been an idiot thinking she could use another person to fix a problem that was in her. If she didn’t sort it out, no other person was ever going to be able to. Her conflicting Bennett issues were on her.
She felt stale. Tired of herself and all of the sameness inside of her she couldn’t seem to sort out.
She needed to go ride her horse. Go for a real ride that tested her endurance and got her out of her rut. She needed...needed new clothes and new furniture. Something to change this...feeling in her. To air out her soul.
Maybe then she could find some clarity.
But right now the only thing she knew was that she was going to bed alone tonight. And would be until she sorted all of this out.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
OVER THE NEXT week they fell into a neat, if a bit stilted routine. He and Kaylee hadn’t talked about the kiss at all, and he and Dallas hadn’t talked about their fight. But they were functioning.
They’d also submitted DNA for a paternity test and were expecting the results any day now.
Not that Bennett was constantly refreshing the online portal for the lab.
Every morning, Bennett drove Dallas out to Get Out of Dodge for his day of work, and then he went out and took care of his clients. He hadn’t made any steps toward the whole getting laid thing, but he was still figuring all that out. It was the weekend though, and that meant Dallas wasn’t going to the ranch. Which also meant that Bennett wasn’t working. They spent all of Saturday on the same property but not really near each other. Bennett took care of his animals, riding the horses, and Dallas hung out inside playing the Xbox that Bennett had finally purchased as promised.
Sunday morning, the results posted.
Bennett got them while he was still out in the field, dealing with a pig who had an infected testicle, of all the damn things.
There was a 99.999% chance he was the father.
The only thing that was missing from this moment was Maury Povich and a stiff drink.
He was...relieved. He was damn relieved. He’d known down to his bones that Dallas was his, but the confirmation was...
He didn’t have words for it. And he still had a pig to fix.
He managed to make it through the day, managed to make it all the way to the end of Dallas’s shift at Get Out of Dodge.
Finally, at dinner, Bennett addressed his son.
“The test results came today,” he said when Dallas was taking a bite of steak.
“Uh-huh.” He didn’t look up.
“I’m your father.”
Dallas flicked him a glance. “Wow. Really?”
“Yes.”
“No. I meant, you had this chance to make an A+ Star Wars reference and you whiffed it. You should start again. Luke, I am your father. Some deep breathing at least. Something. Maybe cut off my hand?”
“Dallas...the test was positive. I’m your dad. Do you have thoughts on that?”
“Not really. I knew you were.”
That was the end of that, for Dallas at least. He spent the rest of the evening ignoring Bennett. Which gave Bennett time to think about a few other things that were bothering him.
Kaylee.
And the fact that he had been thinking he wanted to hook up with someone.
The paternity test...that actually just made the stuff with Dallas feel better. He’d believed that Dallas was his son from the beginning. Now they had the legal stuff settled. So he could go to court and get custody.
So it was just the women, or lack of women, in his life that were still unsettled.
He needed to talk to Kaylee.
He went into the living room, where Dallas was sitting on the floor playing Xbox. Pepper was lying on his feet, and Cheddar was sitting next to him, leaning up against him and shedding all over him.
Dallas didn’t seem to mind much.
“If I...if I went out tonight would you be all right?”
Dallas laughed and didn’t look away from the TV. “I’m fifteen. Also, I’ve been left alone a lot.”
“I know. But I haven’t wanted to leave you the last couple of weeks, because this is a new situation.”
“You’re afraid I’m going to trash your house.”
“I’m not.”
“A little bit.”
“Fine,” Bennett said. “The thought crossed my mind at first.”
“There is that honesty that you promised me. It warms my heart.”
“And,” Bennett pressed on, “I was afraid you would run away.”
Dallas frowned. “Why would you care if I ran away? Then I wouldn’t be your problem.”
“Because I want you here. I’m not just keeping you here under sufferance, Dallas. I want you here. And if you don’t want me to leave because of the test...”
“I’ll be fine,” Dallas said, pushing that conversation aside. “I don’t need you to stay with me. I have the Xbox.”
“That’s all you did today. At some point, you’re going to have to learn to ride.”
“Yeah, Jamie said next week she’s going to teach me.”
Dallas actually sound
ed like he was looking forward to it.
“Good,” Bennett said. “Good.”
“Good.”
“Great,” Bennett added.
“Go. Go out.”
“I’m going to,” Bennett said.
He paused in the kitchen. He really didn’t feel good about leaving Dallas to his own devices. Not completely. Yes, the kid was independent. And yes, Bennett had stayed home alone when he was that age. But it just...he didn’t have the parenting thing down even a little bit.
Two weeks with a teenager in his house and it was far from natural to him.
He decided to call his brother. Wyatt picked up on the first ring. “Everything okay?”
He supposed calling his brother after eight was pretty weird. “Yeah. I... I’m headed out for a bit, but I wanted to see if you could swing by and check on Dallas in about an hour. And just be available if he needs someone.”
“Going out, huh?”
“Yes. It’s been a while.” Longer than Wyatt knew.
“Fine with me. But I do have to be up early. Might end up crashing on your couch.”
“That’s fine. I won’t be all night. But I’d...ideally like to be late.”
Wyatt made an understanding sound. “Right. Well, I’ll be there in an hour or so, so he doesn’t feel smothered. But he can text me in the meantime.”
“I’ll tell him.”
Wyatt chuckled. “All right. Good luck tonight, by the way.”
“Thanks,” Bennett said.
He hung up, then told Dallas about his plans to have Wyatt stop by. Dallas didn’t seem enthused at the idea of being smothered by all the newfound adults in his life, but mostly he was just engrossed in his game. Or at least pretending to be.
“I’ll be late,” he called out, his hand on the doorknob.
He wasn’t used to having to tell anyone where he was going, or when he’d be back.
“Good,” Dallas shouted.
“Don’t drink my beer.”
“You have, like, two beers in the fridge. I couldn’t even get a buzz off that. It’s boring. And if they’re gone it will be because Wyatt drank them. You know he isn’t going to let me have them.”
“True. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
