by Natasha West
Jess laughed out loud, earning a few more looks. The message was surprisingly flirtatious for Chloe, she thought. It had cheered her up no end.
She messaged her back instantly.
‘That we did. And now I’m stuck at the theme park alone. What’s that about?’
The reply came though seconds later.
‘I’m taking a year off of teaching. Travelling the world. Currently in Australia.’
Jess was surprised. And then envious. And then pleased for Chloe.
‘Well, I’m in a hotel in Croydon. Don’t be jealous, there’s always next year.’
Beep.
‘Save me a place. You never know…’
The text messages went back and forth like that all day. Badinage with a slight edge of flirtation. It was the best possible distraction from the hassle of the conference. The same faces every year, the same issues, the same conversations. But somehow, Jess was having more fun that she’d had in a while.
Before Jess knew it, the conference was over. But the texts kept coming.
Year Five
August 2010 - The Kwick Break Inn (Sheffield)
Chloe was waiting in room twenty-two of the un-ironically named Kwik Break Inn. She was in the bathroom, putting some final touches to her makeup, all the while checking the time on her phone.
She had the room to herself this year. Sue had finally passed her the torch of representing the union solo. It was bittersweet. On the one hand, Chloe didn’t know if she wanted sole responsibility. On the other hand, she didn’t have to share a room. And that was lucky this year. Because she was expecting a guest. And sharing with Sue would have seriously put a hitch in Chloe’s plans.
There was a rap at the door. Chloe took a deep breath and went out to answer it.
She opened the door to Jess and took in the sight of her. Her black hair was longer than the last time she’d seen her two years ago. Now it flowed half way down her back. She looked like she’d dropped a bit of weight too. Her cheekbones were really popping. Chloe thought she looked edible, despite the fact she looked a little tired.
And Jess looked at Chloe, who’d put a little weight on, and thought she looked pretty delicious too. She’d always thought Chloe could do with a little more meat on her petite frame and she’d been right. It made her look healthier. And her red hair was cut in a stylish bob now. It suited her. The only thing that was a little disappointing was that she seemed to have ditched the glasses.
‘Hey, what happened to the specs?’
‘Contact lenses. I haven’t worn glasses in quite a while.’
‘Damn. I always liked them. You were like a hot nerd.’
‘I’m still a nerd.’
‘You’re still hot too.’
Chloe laughed shyly.
‘Are you coming in are you just going to stand there?’ Chloe asked coyly.
Jess walked in and shut the door behind her.
Now they were standing in front of one another, the year of flirty texting they’d just had made them both feel a little embarrassed. They’d been safe behind their screens, able to push the limits with each other, get pretty dirty. And now there was eye contact.
Jess began to laugh.
‘What’s so funny?’ Chloe asked, confused.
‘It’s just that thing again. The rollercoaster problem.’
Chloe smiled and sat down on the edge of the bed. Jess sat down next to her.
‘Maybe we should just stop talking.’
Jess pulled Chloe toward her, kissing her softly on the lips. Chloe thought maybe she was right. The time for words was over.
A couple of hours later, Jess and Chloe finally ran out of steam. They collapsed back in the bed, tired and content. After a peaceful moment, Jess looked at Chloe.
‘You seem different.’
‘They’re just glasses’ Chloe said with an eye roll.
‘It’s not that. You’re less…’
Chloe waited but Jess couldn’t find the word.
‘Less what?’
‘I don’t know. You just seem different than I remember.’
Chloe didn’t like the sound of that.
‘Are you disappointed?’
‘No. Just adjusting my image of you.’
‘It’s only been a couple of years? How different can I really be?’
But Chloe was different. And she knew it.
The last two years had been intense for Chloe. Once she’d begun to settle into teaching, she still didn’t know for sure if it really suited her. It wasn’t that she didn’t like it, it was just that it was all that she’d known. She felt like there was still a lot of things she wanted to do with her life and she didn’t want to get to middle age not having done them. She’d spent her youth immersed in books, reading about life. She wondered if she’d missed out on actually living it in the process.
And everyone always said that travelling was the thing. She decided to go for it. She’d asked for a sabbatical from school, worried they wouldn’t grant it and that they’d give her the sack instead. But Chloe was a good teacher and her school knew it. They were alright with letting her leave on the proviso that she came back.
She spent six months zipping around the world, from country to country, continent to continent. She’d seen a lot of things, met a lot of people, spent a lot of money. And when it ran out, home she came, tired but pleased to see England again. To resume her life.
And that’s when she discovered with a new certainty that education was where she wanted to be. She’d missed that feeling of giving something important to the kids, her love of literature, the thing that had always meant so much to her. Even if they didn’t always know it, Chloe knew she was shaping them with ideas that would feed into their thoughts for the rest of their lives. And that occasional glimmer in a student’s eye, that look of comprehension and the excitement that came with it, Chloe loved that look. She wanted to keep seeing it.
So she’d been content to come home and back to her job, so she could keep getting her fix.
And Jess had begun to feel like an added bonus to coming home. She’d been so pleased to hear from her last year, hoping that finally they could try to be friends. But somehow, it hadn’t progressed like a friendship. They’d been pushing the limits, little by little.
And by the time the conference came around, they both tentatively agreed that since neither of them was seeing anyone seriously, it was time to see if that first year could be recreated.
So far, it seemed that it could. With bells on.
Chloe took a drink of water from the bottle on the bedside table. She was seriously dehydrated from the athleticism of the last couple of hours. Jess was extremely limber. Chloe had barely felt like she could keep up at times.
Jess, who was still waiting for her legs to start working again, watched Chloe carefully as she took a long swallow.
‘I think I know what’s different. When I first met you, you were a bit shyer.’
Chloe looked over at Jess, her face showed displeasure at the memory of who she used to be.
‘God, don’t remind me. I don’t want to think about the kind of girl I was back then.’
Jess shook her head.
‘I liked that girl.’
Chloe smiled sadly.
‘I’m glad you did. But it was very hard being her.’
Jess was going to reply, but thought better of it. Instead, she simply sat with the thought.
‘You’re different too, you know’ Chloe said hesitantly.
‘How so?’ Jess asked.
Instead of answering that question, Chloe said ‘How are you doing at the moment?’
Jess considered.
‘I’m fine.’
‘You look a little tired.’
Jess gave a short laugh.
‘Jesus, I should look tired after the workout you just gave me!’
Chloe cocked her head, looking at Jess quizzically.
‘Are you doing that thing where you make a joke and ho
pe I don’t notice you didn’t really address what I said?’
Jess’s head dropped back on the bed and she let out a groan.
‘Yes I am. Could you just let it go?’
Chloe considered arguing. But old habits die hard. She didn’t want it to turn into a thing. Better to leave it.
‘OK’ Chloe said and then glanced at her phone. She abruptly sat bolt upright. ‘God! We were supposed to be in the main hall ten minutes ago.’
Jess and Chloe scrambled out of bed, hastily throwing their clothes on.
After the commencement speech, Chloe and Jess went around the corner from the hotel. Neither had any desire to eat the usual crappy sandwiches and mix with the other teachers. They both liked the taste they’d gotten of each other, they wanted more.
They sat in an old, fusty pub, filled with old men drinking quietly, little to say to one another.
‘This isn’t really a sexy environment for a first date, is it?’ Jess said looking around. ‘It’s like a wake in here.’
‘There’s not a lot of options around here. Maybe we could go a bit further afield, get a cab into the town centre?’
Jess considered.
‘Nah. Don’t worry about it, it’s not worth-’
‘Is this a date?’ Chloe interrupted, only just realising what Jess had said.
Jess’s mouth dropped open. She couldn’t believe she’d called it that. They’d been very careful not to put a label on this thing and she’d gone and dropped the ‘D’ word.
‘Err, well, I don’t’…’ Jess trailed off. There was no point backpedalling. She’d said it now. ‘What do you think? Is this a date?’ Jess asked with trepidation.
Chloe smiled slowly.
‘I wouldn’t mind if we called it that, I suppose.’
Jess raised an eyebrow.
‘Aren’t you the cool customer these days?’
Chloe laughed.
‘I’m really not. I’m just following your lead.’
Truth be told, Chloe wasn’t feeling all that cool. In fact, she was starting to feel a little nervous. She’d thought the word date before Jess had said it. But she wasn’t sure what this was. Or what she wanted. They didn’t live in the same parts of the country. She was South, Jess was North. Where could this realistically go?
She didn’t want to think about it. Over thinking was an Old-Chloe problem. And Old-Chloe had been given her walking papers a while back. New-Chloe was all about consequence-free fun, she reminded herself.
‘If you like, we could just take this party back to my room?’ Chloe said.
She fully expected a resounding yes to the offer. But Jess’s face dropped slightly.
‘What, we can’t even talk to each other for a few minutes? Am I really that boring?’
‘What? No, no…’ Chloe stuttered. And then she cried ‘Pineapple!’
Jess’s eyebrows shot up.
‘Are you having a stroke?’
Chloe shook her head.
‘Don’t you remember? We said once that we weren’t going to say sorry to each other anymore, and we picked the word pineapple instead.’
Chloe rubbed her temple anxiously.
‘I was so sure that was going to be a cute moment that would diffuse the tension.’
Jess suddenly snorted with laughter.
‘Now that’s the Chloe I remember!’ she said though her laughter.
Chloe couldn’t help it. She laughed right along with her.
On Saturday, Jess woke up in her own hotel room, alone. She’d told Chloe it was because she was a snorer. But that wasn’t it.
She’d been single for a long time. She’d gotten into what she tended to think of ‘situations’ with women over the last few years, but she couldn’t seem to make anything stick. She thought it was something to do with the job. It was sucking something out of her but she wasn’t sure what. Maybe it was as simple as joy.
Although she had pretended not to, Jess had understood immediately what Chloe had meant when she told her that she was different. That’s what was great and terrible about the situation. Chloe remembered the person she used to be. Perhaps that was the appeal of her. It was like reconnecting with that old person she’d been. But the problem with that was that the change in her was also more glaring to Chloe.
The whole thing was a catch twenty-two.
That’s why Jess had needed some space. She could feel certain newer, more negative traits floating to the surface. Jess was likely on the verge of saying something impatient and mean to Chloe, if she hadn’t done so already.
She had to shake this off.
Chloe tapped gently on Jess’s door.
‘Hey, sleepy, you missed the morning session’ she called through the door.
There was no answer. She tapped again and listened at the door. No sound.
By the afternoon, Jess had yet to surface. Chloe was worried. She’d called Jess a few times but she didn’t pick up.
In the later afternoon, Chloe walked out of the hotel to try calling Jess again. She wandered up the street, knowing she probably wasn’t going to get a reply and wanting some privacy to leave Jess a voice message.
But as she got up the road, she glanced across the traffic to a tiny park that was pushed in amongst the bustling roads. Jess was sitting on a bench, feeding part of a sandwich to a horde of pigeons.
Chloe dashed across the road, throwing the gate open.
‘Jess! Where have you been?’
Jess looked up from the pigeons in surprise.
‘Where’d you come from?’
‘I’ve been looking for you. Didn’t you see my calls?’
Jess looked surprised. She pulled her phone her of her bag and looked at it.
‘I guess I forgot to charge it. Sorry.’
Chloe was suddenly aware that Jess seemed a little off.
‘Are you OK?’ she asked carefully.
Jess shrugged.
‘I’m alright. I just needed to think about some things.’
Chloe sat down next to her on the bench. Jess handed her some bread.
‘Throw that. It’s fun to watch them go nuts.’
Chloe wanted to ask more but she decided to do as she was asked instead. The pigeons were obviously giving Jess something that she needed at the moment.
Chloe chucked the bread onto the grass and watched as the pigeons scrabbled about like lunatics. One pigeon in particular, a bit larger than the rest, seemed to be shoving all the other pigeons aside, using its fatness to gain advantage.
Chloe watched it for a few seconds. Then she turned to Jess.
‘So, what’s… What’s… Err…’
‘If you want to ask why I’m having a meltdown, would you just ask?’ Jess said sharply.
Chloe was stunned.
‘Shall I just go?’
Jess sighed.
‘Oh fuck. I’m sorry’ Jess said, and then added softly ‘Pineapple.’
Chloe turned to Jess and placed her hand gently on Jess’s. Jess took the hand. They sat like that for a few minutes, silently holding hands, watching the pigeons.
‘This isn’t about you, you realise that?’
Chloe laughed ironically.
‘I wouldn’t flatter myself that it was. Can I ask what it is about?’
‘It’s about… I don’t know’ she shrugged. ‘Everything.’
Chloe wished more than anything that she had the perfect thing to say, something that would offer even a modicum of comfort. But she was smart enough to know she was too stupid to be able to help Jess with whatever was going on in her head. Jess was alone with it. And when Chloe really considered it, they didn’t really know each other. She was the wrong person to try to help.
All kinds of thoughts flooded her head as they sat there. She wanted to tell Jess something, anything that might give her even a moment of happiness. She fleetingly thought about telling her how much she liked her, that she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her all year and that she didn’t want this con
ference to be the end of them. But she was scared. She knew it was an unwise impulse.
