by Natasha West
‘Jess?’ a voice called through the door. It was sort of familiar but she couldn’t quite place it.
‘What do you want?’ she asked the stranger.
‘Open the door, would you?’
Jess still had no clue who was giving her such hassle while she was quietly trying to throw up, but she was feeling fairly malleable so she unlocked the door.
Chloe opened the toilet door and looked at the scene in the cubicle. Jess was a mess.
‘Oh’ Chloe said sadly.
Jess’s eyes came into focus, taking the two women that were spinning all over the place and putting them together to create one recognisable Chloe.
‘Oh great, it’s you. You must be loving this’ Jess slurred.
Chloe sighed heavily.
‘I don’t love this even slightly. How did you get yourself in this state?’
Jess shrugged.
‘There’s anti-union government agents who have conspired to undermine my integrity by giving me too much booze. They work behind the bar but you can tell they’re union busting moles by the secret hand shake’ she said, ending the lecture with a loud hiccup.
‘I see booze does nothing to dent your sense of humour’ Chloe said dryly. ‘Come on. Let’s get you back to the hotel.’
‘No!’ Jess shouted. ‘I’m not going anywhere with someone who hates me.’
Chloe was shocked.
‘I don’t hate you Jess. I’ve been angry with you, yes-’
‘Whatever, I don’t need your help. I can get back to my room without you.’
Jess tried to stand while Chloe stood back to give her room. It was an agonisingly slow progress to watch.
‘Look, you can abuse me all you want, I don’t care. I’m taking you back’ she said and gently took hold of Jess’s arm, helping her up. Jess let it happen. She was too tired to keep arguing.
When she was steadier and they’d stepped out of the cubicle, Jess suddenly broke into a smile.
‘Hey, do you remember that first time we were in a toilet together?’
Chloe was amazed at the sudden left turn. Jess drunk was a fairly perplexing experience.
Chloe was in no mood to reminisce about that right now. But she wanted to keep Jess happy so that she’d allow herself to be escorted back to her room. If she had to take a trip down memory lane to keep Jess compliant, she’d just have to do it.
‘Of course I do’ she said as they left the toilet. The evening was winding down in the bar. Most of the teachers had gone, thankfully.
Chloe pulled Jess out of a side door into the cool night air.
‘You lunged at me. With your lips’ Jess said.
‘I did’ Chloe agreed, tugging Jess by the hand down the dark street. ‘And you didn’t mind it, as I recall.’
Jess stopped suddenly and yanked around Chloe to face her.
‘I really liked you. And you treated me like nothing after we slept together in Leeds, like I wasn’t good enough for you. And then you just wanted to use me for sex in Sheffield.’
Chloe’s face fell. They’d never really talked about that first year before, not really. Or the subsequent fling they’d had a few years later. Was that what Jess really believed, that Chloe had thought she hadn’t been good enough?
All this time and she’d never known. Chloe felt wretched.
‘I liked you, Jess. Of course I did, I can’t believe-’
Chloe’s words fell away as Jess suddenly snatched her hand from Chloe’s. She muttered ‘Yeah, right’ as she began to move off down the street, in the direction of the nearby hotel.
Chloe watched her for a moment, staggering down the street with the unerring satnav that drunks seem to possess.
Chloe felt like sitting down on the kerb and crying. But Jess still needed help. She needed to pull it together until she could get her safely into bed.
In Jess’s bathroom, Chloe was filling a glass with water from the sink tap. Once that was done, she looked around the small room, finding a swing bin hidden under the sink. She took the lid off, leaving it on the floor, and carried the open bin and water out to the bedroom.
Jess was lying on top of the covers, passed out. She’d said nothing further to Chloe as they’d made their way up here, apparently done talking to her. Chloe thought that was for the best. She knew that Jess would wake up tomorrow, remember the things she’d said and probably feel embarrassed about them. Chloe didn’t want her to have anything further to regret so silence, although a little hurtful, was probably better in the long run.
As she pulled an unconscious Jess’s shoes off her feet, she thought back to earlier, in the bar. That stupid stunt with Emma. It all seemed so ridiculous now. She’d actually been trying to make Jess feel bad. And then she’d gone into that toilet and it was as though seeing Jess in such a miserable way had reminded Chloe that she didn’t really want that at all. Jess was still her friend, whether she wanted to be or not. It was just a fact.
‘Jess’ she whispered. ‘I’ve left a something next to your bed for you to puke in.’
Jess groaned softly in response.
‘And there’s water here too. Try to drink it if you can.’
‘Nnnggg’ came the response. It wasn’t quite an admission of understanding but it was as close as Jess was likely to get.
Chloe brushed a sweaty lock of hair from Jess’s forehead and left the room, closing the door quietly behind her.
Jess woke herself up the following morning with a loud snort. She sat bolt upright and looked around her, trying to figure out where the hell she was.
It all came back. She was in Birmingham, in a terrible hotel, at the conference.
Then other disquieting details began to dribble into her brain, like dewdrops of shame. Fact one: she was hung over because fact two; she’d gotten hammered. Fact three was even more disturbing. Chloe had put her to bed. How the hell had that come about? They weren’t even talking so why had Chloe been playing nursemaid?
Fact four came and it was the worst yet. She’d said things to Chloe. Terrible, awful, humiliating things. The kind of things that burn themselves into your brain, haunting you forever. Things that pop into your mind when you wake at three in the morning and you can’t get back to sleep, reminding you exactly why you’re a total tit, when your merciless brain decides that you need to be reminded of such things.
And why the hell had she said all that anyway? What did it matter if Chloe had humped and dumped her all those years ago? She was married now, settled and happy.
Actually, that wasn’t true. Not at the moment. Her and Claire had hit the first serious speedbump of their marriage recently.
Jess found herself thinking about the last few weeks. All the rows, the cold shoulders, nights on the sofa.
And then like magic, Claire rang.
Jess gave a few moments consideration to cancelling the call. If Claire was ringing to give her shit, she was not up to it. Her head felt like it was filled with tiny workman using a range of hydraulic tools.
But Jess was compelled to pick up. Refusing a call from her spouse felt like another rung down the bad ladder they’d already made a start on. She didn’t want it to get worse that it already was.
‘Hi’ Jess said taciturnly.
‘Oh, that’s how it is, is it?’ Claire said, apparently already angry.
‘Jesus, Claire. I’ve been awake for about eight seconds.’
‘I bet you have. Considering you were up all night sending me nasty texts, you must have needed a lie in.’
Jess felt a horrible sensation in her gut. It was like her body was trying to tell her something that her mind hadn’t quite caught onto yet.
Something at the edge of her memories, just beyond her reach. Chloe had dropped her onto the bed and then… She’d thought that was it, but apparently not. She wanted to read her outgoing texts but with Claire on the phone, it might be difficult to do it without tipping her off.
‘Well? Is that what you want?’ Claire demanded.
‘I’m… I’m sorry’ Jess said. The only way out of this was not to get into it. If she could keep things vague, Claire wouldn’t find out she’d been completely smashed. Jess had a feeling that particular fact was not going to help the situation. ‘I didn’t mean it. I don’t know what I was thinking’ she improvised.
‘What? You just said that and you didn’t mean it?’
‘No, I didn’t’ Jess said and then she cried out. ‘Claire, I’m sorry, I’ve just got to run to the toilet. I had explosive diarrhoea yesterday, dodgy kebab. And I don’t think it’s done with me. Bye!’
And she hung up before Claire could say anything.
She began to look through her texts. One to Claire at 3.14 in the morning. And another to Chloe two minutes later.
Jess barely dared to look at them. But there was no way around it. She needed to know what she’d said.
The first message to Claire read…
‘Claire, I don’t think this is working. I want a divorce.’
Oh no.
‘You’re selfish. And I want a real partner. Someone who will take care of me in the way that I need. You don’t know how to do that so let’s just admit that it’s over.’
Jess nearly dropped her phone in horror. They’d been going through a tough time but Jess still believed it was going to be alright. When she’d gotten married, she’d known that there might be times that it would get hard. She’d prepared herself for that. But her drunk text said that she’d given up. Was it true? Jess didn’t want to believe that.
She’d have to call Claire and tell her it was all an awful mistake. She’d put it all on the imaginary bad kebab, say it had given her hallucinations, that she hadn’t been in her right mind. It wasn’t so far from the truth, after all. Anything to take back that terrible message.
But before she did that, there was one more message she needed to read.
‘Chloe, I’m sorry for all the stupid stuff I said to you last year. I’m a stubborn idiot. And I should never have said those things about Freya. You’re a good person to have taken care of me tonight. I hope you can forgive me. I miss being your friend.’
Jess blew out a whistle of relief. It wasn’t anything too bad. Certainly nothing she’d feared might be in the text message. It was fine. In fact, it was exactly what she’d wanted to say to Chloe all yesterday.
Now that that worry was off her shoulders, Jess thought she’d better call Claire back, try to patch things up. It wasn’t an enticing thought. She would have to do some serious grovelling, she thought. In fact, she was probably going to have to eat the shit sandwich of her life.
Chloe was just brushing her teeth in her room when there was a soft knock at the door. She quickly rinsed and went out to answer it.
She opened the door to a very sheepish, exhausted Jess.
‘Morning?’ Jess said, with a slight note of question. She wasn’t asking if it was morning. Obviously, it was morning. But she was using that one word to gauge their entire relationship status.
Chloe smiled and said ‘Do you want to come in or are you still too drunk to walk?’
Jess’s shoulders slumped and she moaned in mortification. She shook her head.
‘I’m so embarrassed.’
Chloe laughed softly.
‘Come in, would you?’
Jess walked in feeling awkward but hopeful. Chloe seemed, what was the word… Normal. That was it. There was no weird edge between them. She was being Chloe.
‘Do you mind if I sit down? Standing is kind of a trial at the moment.’
‘Why don’t you just go ahead and lie on the bed.’
Chloe could have cried with gratitude.
‘Thank you’ she said and lay down on top of the covers. She closed her eyes for a second and felt movement beside her. Chloe had stretched out next to her.
‘Quite a night’ Chloe said.
‘Yep’ Jess said simply.
‘Thanks for the text.’
Jess turned her head to look at Chloe, ignoring the wave of nausea that came with the movement.
‘You read it?’
‘I did.’
‘How come you didn’t reply?’ Jess asked, trying to sound light. But her heart was thumping. And not just from the hangover.
‘I wanted to wait until you were sober, speak to you in person. So I could apologise properly’ Chloe said nervously.
‘You want to apologise to me?’
‘Yes. I said bad things to you too.’
‘But I started it.’
‘Maybe. But I shouldn’t have taken what you said so personally. We weren’t talking about me.’
Jess turned away, looking at the ceiling again.
‘I had no idea about your upbringing.’
‘I know you didn’t.’
‘But I should have. Why didn’t I know?’
‘Because I never mentioned it and you never asked.’
‘Well, that confirms it. My head is stuck pretty firmly up my arse, isn’t it?’
‘No, it’s not.’
‘You’re being nice. Stop it, would you?’
‘Stop being nice?’
‘Yeah. Just give it to me straight.’
Jess closed her eyes while Chloe thought for a second.
‘Alright, maybe your head is stuck ever so slightly up your rectum.’
Jess chuckled with her eyes still shut.
‘That’s better.’
They lay in silence for a moment.
‘Your turn’ Chloe said.
‘I don’t have anything to add.’
‘You should.’
Jess heaved a sigh.
‘Yeah, you’re right. What you said about Claire was shitty too.’
‘Yeah, it was.’
‘She didn’t deserve that.’
‘No.’
‘You don’t know her.’
‘I know.’
‘She was just giving us space to talk, because we hadn’t seen each other.’
Chloe nodded.
‘That makes sense. I was just being a bitch because I was hurt.’
‘Good. Well, not good, but… You know what I mean.’
Jess considered mentioning the things she’d said last night. But she couldn’t do it. Better to leave that can of worms unopened.
She got slowly up from the bed, swinging her legs over the side.
‘I gotta shower. I smell like I’ve been dead for twelve hours.’
‘I wasn’t going to say anything…’ Chloe said wryly as she watched her walk across the room to the door. Jess smiled as she passed.
She opened the door and turned to Chloe.
‘We’re alright then?’
‘We’re very alright. See you downstairs?’
Jess nodded and shut the door behind her.
Chloe got up after she’d gone, picking up her phone. She went to the draft folder and selected the message she’d been writing to Jess before she’d shown up at her door.
‘Thank you. I feel the same. And everything you said to me last night about when we slept together that first year in Leeds, I want you to know that you had it wrong. It wasn’t like that for me at all. I liked you a lot. But I was an idiot back then with a lot of growing up to do. And that time in Sheffield… I was falling for you. But I was too scared to do anything about it.’
Chloe deleted the message and went back into the bathroom to rinse with mouthwash.
The first full day of the conference wasn’t the horror show that Jess had been expecting in the last few weeks. She felt like shit shovelled up but she’d mended things with Chloe, which was a deep relief.
She’d also done the same with Claire, sort of. It had taken a lot of convincing but Claire had finally accepted that Jess had not been in her right mind when she’d written the text. She had to tell her many times that she didn’t want to split up at all. The emotional exertion it had required had taken quite a physical toll on a still deeply hungover Jess, but eventually they’d both agreed to put the incid
ent behind them.
