by Natasha West
‘I don’t really know what this is, but thank you’ Jordan said humbly as she stood. She put everything back into place, ready for Caitlin’s return.
‘Alright, let’s bounce’ Jordan said and they both scuttled out of the kitchen, back down the hallway. As they went to leave, Ellie chanced to look at an open door. It was the door of the bedroom. She stopped cold.
‘What’s up?’ Jordan asked.
Ellie didn’t speak. But Jordan was no dummy.
‘You’ve got some pretty fucked up memories of that room, I’m guessing.’
Ellie pushed the door open to reveal the room in its entirety. Jordan joined her at the doorway.
‘I can’t believe she decided to dump me… right then’ Ellie sputtered.
‘She’s a piece of shit’ Jordan said from the doorway.
Ellie walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the immaculately made bed.
‘Yeah, and I chose to be with her. What does that say about me?’
Jordan shook her head and said ‘It doesn’t say anything about you.’
Ellie picked up a pillow and hugged it tightly.
'You know what I think is really killing me about all this?’ Ellie said to Jordan. ‘She was the one who pushed for kids. I mean, I love children. Obviously. I spend all day with them. And I do want them. One day. But I wasn’t really feeling ready for all that yet. But Zoe kept pushing so I let her have her way. I ignored my gut feelings. I would have gone through with it, for her. And it still wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.’
Jordan listened, her face creasing in empathy. Maybe she and Ellie had more in common than she’d thought. Maybe she’d ignored her own gut with Caitlin, disregarded the obvious problems.
Jordan sighed. It was hard to see Ellie so pained. But she promised herself that Zoe would pay for it.
‘Ellie, why don’t we get out of here now?’ she asked gently.
Ellie noted the unusually soft tone and decided to pull herself together. She didn’t want Jordan’s pity.
‘Why the rush?’ Ellie asked, lightening her tone. ‘Caitlin’s not due back for ages.’
‘That’s not why we should go. I don’t want to be in here anymore than you do.’
Ellie looked at the bed and back at Jordan.
‘I’m sorry. I’m so stupid. I guess this place…’
‘…is the place my ex wanted to be, rather than with me’ Jordan finished.
Ellie stood up.
‘You’re right. This is a bad place for both of us.’
Ellie stood and walked to the doorway, where Jordan was still stood, looking at the bed. As Ellie went to pass her, she felt a hand on her wrist.
‘Wait a second.’
Ellie stopped and turned to Jordan.
Jordan felt her heart begin to beat loudly in her chest. She’d just had a very, very bad idea. Saying it out loud could really fuck things sideways with Ellie. But Jordan was a very ‘Screw it’ sort of person. And what was the worst that could really come of her suggestion? Ellie could only say no. No harm, no foul.
‘I was thinking.... What if we reclaimed some territory?’
Ellie thought she knew what Jordan meant but she still asked ‘What do you mean?’
‘That bed has fucked us both up. We could take the power out of it if we…’ Jordan raised a lascivious eyebrow and nodded in the direction of the offending bed.
Ellie pulled her cardigan tightly around her chest, feigning shock.
‘Jordan!’
‘Come on. It wouldn’t have to mean anything. To either of us. You can pretend I’m anyone else in the world. I won’t mind.’
Ellie felt panic flood her system. Not because she was as offended as she was acting. But because she wanted to say yes.
But what did she want to say yes to? Revenge? Or Jordan? It was hard to know the difference, especially seeing as their entire relationship had revolved around the concept of vengeance. Jordan and retaliation were so thoroughly intertwined; Ellie didn’t know how she could ever begin to separate them.
But maybe she could find out.
Jordan, who was starting to think she’d said an extremely unwise thing, was cursing herself internally. Stupid, stupid, stupid…
‘Alright’ Ellie said.
Jordan blinked.
‘What?’
‘I’m saying yes’ Ellie said nervously. ‘It might make us both feel better about what they did. Like an interim fix of payback while we wait for the big plan to work.’
Jordan didn’t say anything.
‘You… You weren’t joking, were you?’ Ellie asked, suddenly worried.
‘NO!’ Jordan cried. And then more quietly, casually ‘I mean, no. I meant it. Like you said, it’ll cheer us both up. Because of revenge’ she added quickly.
‘Right. Vindictae.’
‘Yeah. Vindictae.’
They both looked at the bed.
‘How do you want to do this?’ Ellie asked.
‘I don’t know. I wasn’t planning to...’
‘Me neither’ Ellie said quickly.
‘Right. It’s a spur of the moment… revenge… sex…. thing. We’ll just be like two bodies doing, you know, and our minds can be wherever we want.’
‘Yeah, like… like being on a treadmill.’
Jordan nodded and began to rub the back of her neck a little nervously.
‘I guess maybe we should start by taking our clothes off?’
Ellie’s eyes widened in alarm.
‘I’m not sure if I want to skip right into that. I might need to ease into, erm, nudity.’
‘OK’ Jordan nodded. ‘That’s fair enough. How would you like to… warm up?’
‘I guess the usual way. Maybe you could, you know, start by kissing me? I’d keep my eyes shut if it makes it easier.’
‘Do you normally kiss with your eyes open?’ Jordan asked, jolted.
‘No, I mean before, during ‘The Lean In’. So as not to put you off.’
‘Oh. Yeah, OK.’
Jordan waited.
‘Oh, should I shut them now?’ Ellie said, realising that the moment was actually here and not a few minutes in the future, as she’d somehow believed.
‘Yeah. If you don’t mind’ Jordan said politely. It was weird for Ellie to hear her being so respectful. But she tried to ignore that as she obediently shut her eyes.
Jordan looked at Ellie, standing there, in the doorway of the room where Zoe had no doubt done the nasty with Caitlin. Two minutes ago, that thought had Jordan just about at breaking point. But now that Ellie was standing in front of her, waiting to be kissed, Jordan suddenly forgot where she was. She could only think about the task at hand.
She leaned in carefully, not wanting to scare Ellie with a sudden pair of lips flying at her. As she got within a millimetre of Ellie’s lips, she paused, wanting Ellie to have the chance to back out if she wanted. But Ellie was still waiting. She looked scared but she was keeping her eyes closed.
Jordan closed her own eyes and pressed her lips softly to Ellie’s. She felt them respond. They were warm, soft, full lips. They tasted of cinnamon. Jordan had always liked cinnamon.
And suddenly, quicker than either of them could have possibly imagined, the kiss wasn’t all that was happening. Jordan’s hands were in Ellie’s hair. Ellie’s hands were holding tightly onto Jordan’s hips, pulling her close.
Everyone’s eyes were still closed. Neither Ellie nor Jordan dared to open them, for fear of breaking whatever spell was being cast right now.
Ellie began to yank Jordan’s jacket off and Jordan quickly helped her, throwing it off as quickly as she could so that her hands could go back to touching Ellie as they continued the passionate kiss. She put her hands underneath Ellie’s cardigan and the cardigan was soon gone, compliments of Ellie.
They began to move toward the bed and Jordan, not as familiar with the layout of the room as Ellie, needed to have a peek at where she was so that she didn’t trip over some random ottoman. Wh
en she opened her eyes, she saw that Ellie’s were open too. They both froze at the eye contact. The kiss, and the spell, were indeed broken.
‘Maybe this isn’t such a great idea…’ Ellie heard herself say.
‘No, maybe not’ Jordan heard herself reply.
They both removed their hands from each other and took a step back.
Jordan began to look for her jacket, as though she didn’t know precisely where it was. But she’d rather do anything than look at Ellie right now. Standing barefoot on a pin tack, for example.
Meanwhile, Ellie was putting on her cardigan. And even thought it was a warm day, and she usually wore them open, she was doing up every tiny, fiddly button. Right to the neck.
Once Jordan and Ellie had spent about two whole minutes putting on some pretty basic articles of clothing, they were finally forced to speak to each other.
‘So, I still think we can count this, don’t you?’ Jordan said, not quite looking at Ellie.
‘Count it?’ Ellie asked, adjusting the time on her watch. It had been about thirty seconds out for a while. It had to be dealt with immediately.
‘I mean, it’s maybe not quite as tainted as we hoped in here, but it’s not totally un-defiled. Don’t you reckon?’
‘Guess so’ Ellie said quietly and began to march out of the room, calling back ‘Coming?’
Jordan quickly followed.
Down in the van, Jordan and Ellie put their seat belts on and Ellie waited for Jordan to start the engine. The journey to the van had been mute.
Jordan turned the key in the ignition and began to pull out of the space. And immediately stalled the car.
‘Fuck!’
Ellie watched as she started the engine again and did exactly the same thing.
‘Are you OK?’
‘Fine’ Jordan said quietly. ‘It’s a weird van. It does this all the time.’
Ellie had been in the van before and hadn’t seen Jordan stall it that time.
‘Maybe you should take a second.’
‘I don’t need a second’ Jordan snapped.
Ellie was not having it. Jordan was taking her own incompetency out on her. She’d been trying to be nice.
‘It’s not my fault you’ve forgotten how to drive’ Ellie said harshly.
Jordan looked over at her, surprised. She felt immediately awful.
‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’
Ellie hadn’t been expecting Jordan to back down so quickly. She wasn’t sure how to respond.
‘That’s… It’s fine. But maybe we should just sit for a second, catch our breath. We did just break into a flat. It’s natural you might be a tad jittery’ Ellie said, her tone considerably more gentle.
Jordan knew the lawbreaking was not the reason for her agitation. She thought that Ellie probably knew that too. But if Ellie wanted to make it easier by pretending otherwise, Jordan was absolutely OK with that.
‘Alright then. I guess I could take a moment.’
After a few seconds of silence, Ellie said ‘Maybe we could play Eye Spy, take your mind off it?’
Jordan looked at her sceptically. It was the first time she’d looked directly at Ellie for longer than a second since the abandoned bedroom incident.
‘Eye Spy?’ she asked wryly.
Ellie threw her hands up.
‘I don’t know! I’m just trying to help.’
Jordan started to laugh.
‘What’s so funny?’ Ellie asked bewildered.
Jordan stopped laughing long enough to say ‘We were going to have sex with each other about fifteen minutes ago… And now you’re talking to me like I’m a bored toddler’ she finished, and immediately went back to laughing.
Ellie wondered if she should be offended. But Jordan’s laughter didn’t seem mean. She seemed genuinely tickled. Ellie began to laugh a little too. The laughter was like oxygen in the van, clearing out the insane amount of awkwardness that had seemed to fill the vehicle like a noxious gas, floor to ceiling.
Once it subsided, Jordan said ‘Come on, I better get you back to work. I’ve got a Pug to get to.’
She started the engine and drove smoothly away.
Chapter Eleven
Back at Little Tykes, Janice was in the middle of story time. The kids were spellbound as Janice read them the tale of a chicken that thought it was a duck. They’d heard it numerous times but Janice had a way of doing the chicken’s voice that cracked them up every time.
‘And then Harold the Chicken asked the ducks ‘But I have feathers. I have a beak. Why can’t I swim with you?’ Janice said in a high, silly voice. The kids laughed and clapped. Then they stopped quickly. They wanted to hear what the ducks were going to say back. Suddenly the door opened and Ellie walked in. Janice slapped the book shut. ‘Sorry kids. I just need a quick word with Miss Hopkins and then I’ll finish. Play with the toys, I’ll be back in a minute.’
The chorus of complaints did not stop Janice from tottering over to Ellie, who she dragged to the painting corner. She sat Ellie down on one of the tiny chairs at the paint table and joined her on another one. Both chairs creaked dangerously.
‘Well? How did it go?’
Janice knew exactly what Ellie had been up to this morning. Ellie had explained it all because she needed Janice to cover her for the carefully timed mission, which fell slap bang in the middle of a work morning.
‘It went fine. No problems’ Ellie said, briskly.
Janice waited for more. But Ellie didn’t speak.
‘Seriously? I need details, woman!’
‘What can I say?’ Ellie said. ‘It went to plan, with no deviations whatsoever.’
‘You didn’t, I don’t know, fall through a hedge backward?’
Ellie was flummoxed.
‘What? No. What are you talking about?’
‘I’ve just never seen you look so… dishevelled before. Your hair’s a bit of a mess.’
Ellie touched her hair self-consciously. It did feel a bit tousled.
‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’d been…’ Janice trailed off and then clapped her hand to her mouth. ‘It’s not’ she dropped her voice to a whisper and said ‘sex hair, is it?’
Ellie gasped.
‘No!’
But then she realised that it was sex hair. Or nearly-sex hair, anyway. Jordan had gotten quite a grip on her locks in the midst of their little moment. But there was no way that Ellie wanted to get into that with Janice.
‘I guess I just forgot to brush today’ Ellie lied.
Janice saw through that lie immediately.
‘Ellie Cristobel Hopkins…’
‘That’s not my middle name’ Ellie noted.
‘…I’ve never seen you with a hair out place’ Janice went on, undeterred. ‘And you’re trying to tell me you just forgot to brush your hair?’
Janice shook her head, let down. She was excellent at creating an ‘I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed’ vibe, knowing full well it was Ellie’s kryptonite. True to form, Ellie’s shoulders fell into a slump.
‘Fine’ Ellie broke. ‘Me and Jordan-’
‘Ha!’ Janice interrupted with a satisfied clap, making several of the kids jump. ‘I knew it.’
‘You knew what?’
‘That you and Jordan were on the cards.’
‘What?! How?’ Ellie asked, astonished.
‘It’s screaming out’ Janice explained.
‘Nobody did any screaming. It wasn’t like that. We just thought it might make us feel better to get back at them by doing it in their bed. Nothing else in it. And we didn’t even go through with it.’
Janice gaped and said ‘Well, I’ve heard it all now. What a pair of wimps!’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Ellie demanded.
‘That it’s easier to pretend it’s all about getting back at your exes rather than just admitting that you wanted to do the old ‘One-Two’.’
Ellie wanted to disagree but she found herself without a good
argument against it. There had been a part of her that wanted to do it for more than revenge. She was consciously aware of that now. She didn’t know what these feelings were exactly, but sexual attraction had certainly become part of this swirl of emotions she was finding herself sucked into.
