by Heather Linn
“What did you say?” I needed to make sure that I heard him right, that I hadn’t been imagining it.
“I said that from everything you told me, I think Akia loves you too.” How did that one sentence make me feel so much better? I wanted someone to tell me that I wasn’t crazy for thinking there was a chance. I needed to hear that so bad. Jace gave that to me with his words.
“I’m not saying it would have ever worked out Cat. I’m not saying that if we find a way out of here, that you shouldn’t just find a way to forget about him. What I am saying is that I think that he mourned you the way he did because he loved you too.” I felt the tears slip from my eyes. I needed to not feel like I was alone in a one sided love. I knew that Jace’s thoughts didn’t change anything, but I desperately needed something to cling to, and Jace’s take on things had given it to me.
“Don’t cry, Cat.” The concern in his voice was so heartwarming; I sat there and let him wipe the tears from my face with his thumbs. “Remember I said no crying today? Tell me more about Darien. I want to hear about the man that has the other piece of your heart. He has to be something special to have permanent residency in such a special place.” He changed the subject on me without me even realizing it. I couldn’t help but smile. That was a Cat move, if ever there was one.
“Hmm, let’s see, my Darien.” My voice trailed off and I thought about how to describe him. It really shouldn’t have been this hard. “Darien was my everything before I met Akia. But Darien wasn’t mine either, he was promised to Jewel.” Her name still tore at my heart whenever I said it and instantly I flashed back to the sound of her life being smashed from her body. I shook the memory off and I continued to explain.
“He was my bitterest sweetness. While Jewel was alive it was easy, he was my best friend, the only person that I completely trusted but no matter how much I wanted to make it more than being friends, I didn’t dare, because I loved Jewel and wouldn’t take him from her. After Jewel’s death though, Darien was completely open with me about his feelings for me. He told me that I was the most important person in his life and that he had loved me for as long as he could remember. I should have been ecstatic. I should have been able to start the life that I always dreamt of with him, but I couldn’t. I was scared. I loved him too, but I was so afraid if I told him, I would lose one of the only friends I had. I would destroy my only true bond. I guess I worried that I would disappoint him, that I could never be the woman he needed. I am kind of selfish and stubborn, in case you haven’t noticed.” This made him smile. I really wished I’d get to see more of that smile.
“You? Stubborn? I would never have guessed that in a million years.” He was grinning at me and I couldn’t help but grin back.
“This is probably going to piss you off and if it does, so be it.” It’s never a good sign when someone starts off a conversation that way. I mentally braced for what Jace was about to say. I knew he had been way too quiet throughout both my stories, and now he was going to analyze me and tell me to get over it. I was sure he would.
“I think it is time you start being honest about the real reason that you aren’t more excited about Darien telling you that he is in love with you.”
“I don’t understand what you are saying.” I wasn’t playing dumb. I really wasn’t, I honestly wasn’t sure what he was getting it.
“What I mean is, you need to get it off your chest, while I am here to listen. I’m not saying you are lying to me, I think you are lying to yourself, and you are so good at it that you have convinced yourself that you didn’t get happy about Darien because you didn’t want to lose a friend. I am here to tell you that’s a bullshit excuse.” I was taken aback. For a second, I mentally scolded myself for every nice thought I ever had about Jace. He was smart enough not to let me open my mouth before he continued on.
“Yeah, you are worried about your friendship with Darien, I believe that, but before Akia, Cat, you would have taken the risk. You love Darien, I’m not questioning that, but you don’t love him like you love Akia, and that confuses you. You feel guilty because Darien doesn’t affect you the way that Akia did, the few times you were together. You crave Akia’s touch. He gets to you and makes you feel things you’ve never experienced. On the other hand Darien makes you feel safe. Darien is home, and before you touched your monster, that was good enough for you. Now you aren’t so sure. Can you really give up the excitement and the forbidden fruit for safe and sound?” I wanted to disagree with him and tell him to mind his own business, but he was right.
Was I making excuses not to be with Darien because somewhere deep inside me I was holding on to the hope that one day, Akia would accept me? It couldn’t be that. I was too smart for that. I loved Darien. It was just a different kind of love.
“You’re right,” I mumbled, unable to look up at him.
“I know I am Cat, but the real question is: why do you feel that way?” Jace wanted more answers to questions that I wasn’t ready to think about.
It took me a minute to choose my words. “No, you’re wrong. I think it is the same with both of them.” That kind of made sense to me. Hopefully, it would to him too.
“I’m sorry Cat. You are going to have to break this down for me. Please just trust me. You’ll feel a hundred percent better if you tell yourself the truth. I know, believe me.” Something in his voice told me that he wasn’t going to drop this.
I had almost forgotten why we were talking about truth and facing the truth. We were sitting here sharing things about ourselves that no one else knew because it was important that we let certain things go, so that we didn’t have unfinished business when we died. Your body can’t rest in peace if your mind won’t allow it. How ironic it was. One of the men I was in love with was probably going to kill me, rip me to shreds and I was worried about confessing my sins, so I could die in peace. Yep, these are the stories that fucked up is made of. Something about that made me want to laugh. Maybe it was the stress of what was going on, or maybe it was the fact that when death is so close, there is no reason to shield yourself from the truth. Whatever it was, clarity hit me out of nowhere like a freight train. Suddenly, I wasn’t confused any longer and the words rushed from my mouth, spilling out like some no longer hushed secret that I had known all along.
“I can’t let go of either of them because I can never have a full relationship with just one of them. I can’t be myself with Akia because the fact that I am a human would ruin everything. On the other hand, I can’t talk to Darien about my feelings because I am always afraid that something I say is going to be wrong and hurt him. Neither of them can handle what I really am. I guess part of me thinks that if I had them both in my life I could be happy. Akia could listen to me talk and be more understanding than Darien, but Darien knows I’m a human, so there’s no need to work hard to hide that from him to stay alive.” I trembled at what I’d just realized. “I am not good enough for either of them. I don’t deserve even one of them because I can’t give myself to either of them completely.” Before I let the last part of the sentence sink in Jace interrupted. I had almost forgotten he was there, that’s how much my own words had revealed to me.
“Ok, that is almost what I was getting at, but you have it all wrong.” The mysterious tone in his voice confused me. I couldn’t help but frown. I had just told him the truth and he was still accusing me of lying. What did this man want from me?
“Cat, it isn’t that you aren’t good enough for them, it’s that they are not good enough for you.” I think my mouth hit the floor. The King of the monsters wasn’t good enough for me? The man I grew up with, the most level headed and passionate man I’ve ever known wasn’t good enough for me? It was hard for me not to laugh.
I smiled into Jace’s eyes and said, “I knew you were too perfect. I knew there had to be something wrong with you. But I have to admit I didn’t think that you were completely delusional.” I was a joking a little with my comment, but I was more serious than not.
“
I am not delusional Cat. You are an amazing woman. I would give anything to be on your list with those two. But you know what? I would never, ever, make you feel that I didn’t love all of you. I would never not accept a single part of you or a single thing you felt, or any truth that came from you.”
Had he just declared that he loved me? I looked at him, afraid to talk, afraid to assume, and even more afraid that he was going to expect me to say I loved him back. Did it matter though? I mean, this was all going to be a moot point by morning. I opted not to say anything. I just sat there lost for a while. I finally got up the nerve and looked at him. Much to my surprise, he was looking back at me and grinning!
Then his words came out. “Do you know what I find incredibly hard to believe?” There wasn’t a chance in hell that I was going to take a guess at that loaded question. “The fact that I just told you I would give those two a fight for their lives as far as you are concerned and you are the one blushing.” To this he chuckled.
He did have a point. What did I have to be embarrassed about? My realizations hadn’t really made me any feel better, but at least I could look at him and smile back.
“You have to be the perfect woman, or maybe it’s just because I don’t know any better.” His laughter sounded so good, kind of like music, smooth like a rhapsody. After everything that we told each other today, we were still just happy to be close, which was something that I wasn’t used to.
“I’m sorry; I just don’t know how to respond to that.” There, I could do honest. We had done honest all day.
“Well Ms. Cat, I would love you to say Oh Jace, you’re right! What was I thinking, why was I even worrying about those other two jokes when I have a man like you?” I had to laugh because of the look on his face as he over-exaggerated and batted his eyelashes at me. “Cat I don’t want you to say anything, I don’t even expect you to. I wanted you to know how I feel, that’s all. There are no pretenses with me. But fair warning: if the tide turns and we make it out of here, you are mine. That’s a promise and a threat. You take it whichever way you want.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
There was no joking about him this time. There was no lightness in his voice, which for some reason caused my skin to prickle. For a second I flashed back to the thought of reading his name in the papers. Maybe I was wrong about him, maybe he was dangerous. The fact that his words had just made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end should have scared me, but because of whatever it is that is wrong in my head, it didn’t. If anyone else in this world, or at this point other worlds, had made a comment about owning me, I would have killed them. Jace on the other hand, had just made me a very turned on little girl. Wow! Another thing to add to my list of confusions. He wasn’t going to win this. It was my job to shock people, so I let the little game of flirtations begin.
“Well Jace, I have to tell you, I kind of like the idea of that being a threat.” My voice was a little huskier than it should have been and I didn’t even care.
“Mmmm, I was hoping you’d say that.” Before I had the chance to say anything he closed the distance between the two of us, forcing me to back up so that he couldn’t press up against me. A few steps more and there was nowhere for me to go. With my back against the wall, I was completely at his mercy and I felt his body tightly pressing against mine.
“Hmm, seems like you have nowhere to go, do you?” he purred, so close that his lips were almost brushing mine with each word. “Oh my,” was about the only thought that I could form in my head.
I don’t know what trigger got flipped with him, but I liked it and much to my troubled mind, I liked it a lot. I moved forward and tried to kiss him, but before my mouth touched his, he grabbed my face with his hands.
“Not Yet Cat,” I actually whimpered a little. What in the world was going on here? “I want you to understand what I am saying so let my words sink in and try not to speak until you have understood them.” I shook my head submissively. There was nothing else for me to do and then he went on. “I don’t know what it is about you, but I want you. I want you more than I have ever wanted anything in my life.”
I opened my mouth and shut it again. He had asked me not to talk until I thought it all through, and right then, for what may have been the first time in my life, I listened to someone. Was it OK that he wanted me? Was it OK that my body was begging him to kiss me? Should I have been worried about the mood swing that he had just had? These questions were flying around in my mind. Then my body won the struggle it had been having with my brain.
“Then stop talking and do something about it while we still have time,” I said back at him in a challenging tone.
I could see myself through his eyes. I looked scared and excited, I looked wild and alive and at some point, I realized that I wanted him to take me just as much as he wanted to. For one night, I wanted to just feel without guilt. I wanted to give him what he needed. I was the only woman that he was ever going to be with and I wanted him to experience just once, the expression of urges that I am sure were just as foreign to him as his alter ego was to me.
“Don’t play with me Kitty Cat.” I waited for myself to feel annoyed that he had just used my name the same way that Drake had. The annoyance never came, instead the words escaping my lips made things in my body swoon.
“Who is playing with whom? I want to spend my last night on earth letting you do anything you want to me. I want to give myself to you and not have to think about it” He pulled my face to his.
“This has never been more than a fantasy for me Cat. I can’t promise that I won’t get carried away.” I thought about it a moment. A little part of me was screaming and telling me to kick this want to be freak in the balls and run away, but on a more primal level, lower parts of me were begging me to let them come out and play. Once again it was the darkest part of me that came forth. I would have to think more about this later. But then again, there wasn’t going to be a later, so who really cared?
“I’m not asking you to promise me anything and don’t worry, this kitten has claws of her own.” I watched as his eyes changed intensity. Any sign of nice timid Jace was gone.
His mouth was over mine before I was ready, crushing against my lips so hard that I was sure if I didn’t open my mouth and let him in, he would bruise my lips, but he was so tight against me I couldn’t resist him. All I could do was get used to the pressure. He broke the kiss and looked at me before he whispered in my ear.
“One last chance to stop me before I go to a place where the need takes over.” His eyes were burning into mine. He was still Jace, but he was angry, not at me, but at everyone that had hurt him. Somewhere, the little voice was still screaming at me, ‘Tell him to stop now!’ She could be so annoying sometimes. I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted her to stop.
“I want you to use me Jace. Let go of your anger and your hate. I can take it, I promise.”
His hand was snarled in my hair, gripping it and pulling my head back to the point of pain. His month was licking, sucking, and teasing the sensitive flesh of my neck, a place that I guarded as forbidden in my line of work. Sucking turned to biting, short, sharp little nips, I was moaning and breathless by the third time his teeth grazed my skin.
“I have wanted to do this with you since they made me fuck you. I just didn’t want them to have the pleasure of watching me completely ravage you.” His voice was making my body ache for him.
Once again, his words should have filled me with fear. They should have set off warning flags, but I didn’t give them the chance to. I had already given all the power to him and I wasn’t about to let Miss Annoying take it away. I knew that that someone might walk by and see us and I didn’t care. I couldn’t explain it but my rationality was gone. All I had left was lust, want, and need.
“Kiss me Cat, kiss me like you have never kissed anyone else in your life.” It wasn’t a romantic or passionate gesture; it was an order.
For the first time, I knew that I would do exactly what
a man was asking and this new feeling of doing as told quickly made the other men in my life vanish from my mind. There was no more Darien; there was no more Akia. Hell, there was no more Kira. There was only me and him. His hand never left my hair, he was pulling and tugging, prodding and controlling me, while his other hand played with my breasts, grabbing and pinching, and twisting my nipples to the point where I thought I would have to beg him to stop. The rougher he got, the more I moaned into his mouth. His tongue was using my mouth; his warm lips were giving a repeat performance on my lips, he was sucking and biting and I couldn’t take it. I was so used to being in control; I had always had to be. It was control that meant the difference between life and death. My arms moved and I tried to push him away. It was more instinct than anything else.
“Last chance to tell me to stop Cat.” He almost sounded like he wanted me to stop him; I realized that stopping him was just the opposite of what I wanted.
All his life, he had only had one little taste of control and that was when he murdered his family. It made sense now that he was begging me to stop him, because as much as he wanted to have control of me, as much as he wanted just one last time to know what it felt like to not be the victim, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to stop if he got started. I was seriously playing with fire. I should have stopped him there and then. I should have said no and not given in to what he was asking of me. If I did he would be lost. He spent his life under the control of others, giving and bending each time the monsters told him to. He had to be constantly in control of his fantasies and his dark impulses, he had to make sure that he could keep himself in check because losing control would mean certain death for him.
“I don’t want you to stop. You just have to understand that I have made it this far in life by never losing control, much like you have.” I said the words in between panted breaths; his fingers were working my nipples harder.
