by S. E. Hall
“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, Dane.” I cover his hand resting on the table with mine. “I really appreciated everything today.”
“I know you did, even though I was making you feel doubt the whole time. I tried to plan things to make you happy and it had the opposite effect. I’m sorry.” The desolate look he now wears breaks something in me.
“Don’t do that, Dane, don’t shut down. Tell me what you meant, what your goal was, and let’s see if I can understand where you were coming from. I bet I get it.” I smile at him encouragingly. I refuse to let this day go sour.
“That, right there.” He turns his hand in mine, linking over fingers together. “You’re so real. The last thing I’d ever want to do is change you. I took you to the photo shoot because it’s something near to my heart, capturing beauty like yours.” He kisses the back of my hand. “And the class, I thought it’d be fun. You play ball, so you obviously like physical activities. And I admit I knew I’d like watching you enjoy a physical activity. So really, they were both kinda about me.” He chuckles. “As of right now, I have no inventory of anything wrong with you.” He winks, but it’s to deflect nervousness; he thinks I won’t accept his answer…
Wrong, it was a perfect answer. “See, I understand completely. Was that so hard? I mean, don’t you hate it when people do that? They let a minuscule misunderstanding build and build without addressing it, and before you know it, there’s a path of destruction. It’s such an easy fix to just talk about things. In fact, sometimes it not only fixes things, it makes them even better!”
“Girls who talk things out calmly? Where did you come from, Laney?”
“Georgia.”
“Well, Georgia is lucky to have you. Come on, you finished?”
“I am. The food was so good. Thank you, Dane.”
“Thank you for always saying thank you. I like doing things with you.”
I blush a bit at this. I like doing things with him, too. He’s so down to earth, so easy to talk to. It’s like I’ve known him a lot longer than I have.
It’s dark when we get outside, so I suggest maybe he take me home now, I have class early. “Dane, why weren’t you ever going to go to college?”
“Ah, back to your question, huh? Okay, I’ll tell you a bit, but go easy on me, Disney. I don’t want to unveil all the cobwebs at once, all right?”
I nod my agreement as he holds open the car door for me, guiding me in with his hand at the small of my back.
He climbs in his side and starts the car but turns to me before we move. “I had other things waiting for me, responsibilities, so I couldn’t go to college and manage those things at the same time. I couldn’t let so many others down just to come out with a degree I’d never have to use. Maybe one day, if things are different, I’ll go. But for right now, I made the right decision.”
“Are you happy?”
This question throws him. He looks out the windshield straight ahead and it seems he’s calming himself before he answers. “I think you’re the first person who’s stopped and asked me that. All this time, people who’ve known me forever, you’re the only one. The answer is…sometimes. I’m happy right now.”
“Why now?” My hands fidget nervously in my lap and I chew my lip, perhaps I’m digging too deep.
“Because I’m with you; I’ve been with you all day. The way you talk to me so openly, you make me feel alive, seen. I know you see me.”
We pull up to my dorm but the last thing I want to do is get out. He turns in his seat to face me, his eyes drifting to my lips and back, unashamed. Dane’s talking and I’m like a sponge, but I really do need to get inside and to bed. “You coming up to their room? We can walk up.”
“Not tonight, I have to go home. But I’ll walk you to the door.”
When we get there, he stops and grazes my face with his fingertips. I think he may want to kiss me, but I’m not going to let that to happen. It’s way too soon for me. But he doesn’t, he just takes me all in, stroking my cheek.
“See me tomorrow,” he says. “I’ll let you plan it.”
I laugh. “You make wonderful plans. Stop, we covered that. But I have ball until six tomorrow, then probably homework. Why don’t you text or call me and we’ll see?”
“I can do that. Thank you for today, Disney.”
“You too, Dane, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I walk inside, giving him a small wave.
In my room, Bennett and Tate are draped across her bed watching a movie. I hate to interrupt, but I really need to get some rest.
“Hey guys, sorry. I’ll be asleep and out of your hair in just a minute.”
“Laney, where were you all day?” Bennett asks me, slightly muffled as her face is buried in Tate’s chest. God, I bet that feels nice; being held.
“Ya, Laney, where ya been?” Tate smirks.
“I was with a new friend, let me show you.” I take the print Dane had made for me out of the envelope and hand it to Bennett, nervous of her reaction.
“Oh my God, Laney, you look gorgeous! You could model, seriously.”
Tate looks over and smiles. “He took you to the studio, huh? You like it?”
The implication in Tate’s question suddenly makes me feel foolish, as though Dane takes all his “projects” there and perhaps all of his lines about how special I am are a crock. Is this his MO and I moronically allowed myself to feel enchanted? God, I must’ve looked like an idiot, modeling like some starry-eyed bimbo.
I’d call and ask him, but they’re in the room and they’d hear me; further humiliation. And Dane doesn’t really owe me an explanation. He’s not my boyfriend; hell, that wasn’t even a date. If I knew him better, I’d have a better grasp on this, on his intentions. But I don’t. I don’t know anyone here really. How did this wonderful day go wrong in seconds? Hadn't he just remarked how refreshing it was that I’m a girl who talks things out calmly? And yes, usually I am…but right now, I’m irrational. I knew better than to let my guard down, dammit!
“Laney, you okay over there?” Bennett asks. “You can watch the movie with us.”
“No, I’m good, just tired. Don’t mind me.” Bennett’s a good roommate, she’s neat and chips in, doesn’t uber get in my way, but I need my time, my sanctuary. I roll towards the wall and pop my earbuds in, but as I lie there, my anger and mortification brews and brews, so under the covers where the lovers won’t see me, I text Dane…
Laney: I feel like a fool.
Dane: What are you talking about?
Laney: Photo shoot…me…I don’t feel pretty anymore, I feel like a jackass.
Dane: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Where is this coming from?
Laney: Nvmnd, prbly overreacting. Night.
I rip out my earbuds and turn my phone completely off. Great, now I can hear them mumbling and Bennett intermittently giggling—how bad would it hurt to just pierce out my eardrums? Probably pretty bad, so I jam a pillow over my head.
OUT IN THE COLD
I ignore Dane’s calls and texts all day, and there weren’t any from Evan to ignore, so tonight’s practice is just what the doctor ordered; I have a lot to work through. Actually, I have a lot of “lack of” to get out—lack of boyfriend, Evan, lack of communication with best friend, Evan, lack of dignity about being Dane’s puppet, lack of silence from two people going at it like rabbits in my room…yeah, college rocks. GO EAGLES!
I work out until Coach makes me stop. “Hit the showers, Walker, enough for today. I’ll see you Sunday morning.”
Sunday morning? Oh, just kill me now, I’ve forgotten all about that damn hitting clinic, and it’s at UGA. What am I gonna do? Of course I’ll see Kaitlyn, who I haven’t talked to since she sent the picture. Actually, I wasn’t talking to her much before that, either. But what if I run into Evan? What if I don’t? See—since when do I question seeing Evan? And yet, here we are. AAARGH!
Finally walking into my room after a marathon day, someone yells my name behind me. Turning, I
see Zach jogging down the hall to catch me.
“What’s up, stranger? You just getting in?”
“Yeah, I went ham at ball practice tonight. How are you, Zach? Anything new?” I welcome the big hug he gives me.
“Nothing much, big home game this weekend, can you make it?”
“Yeah, I leave for hitting clinic early Sunday, but I can come Saturday to watch you. I’d love to see you play!”
“Great, I’ll give you my parents’ tickets. You don’t strike me as a student section mosher.” He laughs.
“Good call.” I chuckle back. “I’ll be there. I’ll see you before then though, right?”
“Well, I sure hope so. You okay, Laney?” He rests one hand on my shoulder. “You seem off.”
I am off, I’m so far off I don’t know which way’s up. “Yeah, I’m good, thanks, though. All I need right now is a shower. I refuse to use the team facilities.” A shiver actually shakes me just from the thought. “I have a paper to finish, too; I’ll see ya later, Zach.”
My room is empty, thank God. I throw all my stuff down and beeline for the shower. I stay in long after I’m clean and finally get out when the water feels like ice. I change into sweats and a tank, leaving my hair wet, and climb into bed. Bennett comes in not long after.
“Hey, roomie, whatcha doing?”
“Just relaxing, getting ready to go to bed. How was your day?”
“Absolutely fabulous! I think I got the role I wanted in our play.” Her green eyes sparkle and I’m so happy for her. “You’ll come to the show, right, Laney?”
“Of course I will, congratulations!”
“Thank you! Tate’s so proud of me; he’s on his way over. I think he got me a present!”
She’s so excited, I don’t complain about the fact I’m in bed and would rather not have company. Nor do I want to be a third wheel spectator, so I move to go. “I’m gonna go chill at Zach’s, y’all have fun.” She of course tells me I don’t have to leave, but I do. They need this time. Lord knows, if I had a hottie coming over to bestow “you’re awesome” gifts to me, I wouldn’t want an audience.
Of course Zach’s not in his room, but we’ve reviewed this…everyone here has a life but me. What the hell do I do now? I’m in sweatpants in the middle of the hall and my keys are back in the room, along with my bed. FML.
And once again…I find myself knocking on Room 114. Tate and I really should just switch rooms, except that’s not happening.
Sawyer yells “Come in!” so I ever so slightly open the door and peek around it. I like to see what I’m walking into before it sees me. “Hey, Laney, come in, girl. Whatcha doing?” He looks up from his game and I move in and shut the door.
“Which one’s Tate’s bed?” I ask him.
“Um, that one.” He points. “Why?”
“Well, Romeo and Juliet are having private time, and I’m tired. If he’s gonna take up my room, I’m taking his bed.”
“Cool with me, you want a drink or something?”
“Like you’d get up from that game to get me one.” I laugh. “No, Sawyer, I’m good, thanks.”
I try to get comfortable enough to possibly fall asleep in Tate’s bed with Sawyer in the room, basically as anti-me as it gets, when the door flies open. Ah, and just when I didn’t believe in happy endings, in walk, or stumble rather, Dane and songbird bitch Whitley. She’s laughing like he’s the funniest guy on the planet, and of course she couldn’t possibly stand without both paws clinging to him, poor girl.
Dane takes notice of me and his face goes pale as his eyes bore into mine. “What are you doing here…in my brother’s bed?” He croaks out.
“Your brother’s in my room and Zach’s not home, so I came here and Sawyer wore me plum out.”
Sawyer whips his head around to me and laughs. “Don’t tease me like that! I’m trying to concentrate on world domination here.” He nonchalantly turns back to his game. Liking Sawyer better and better all the time; he’s so chill.
“What are you doing here, Dane? Oh, my bad, do you two need this bed?” Now why did I just say that? I’m hurt and embarrassed about the studio thing, but that’s not what that was just about. Am I jealous? Yes, yes I am. Not good.
“Really?” the canary bites out.
I like the word really, it’s very fitting in many a situation, but she’s gotta change it up a bit. It was her signature phrase the last time I had the pleasure of an encounter with her, too. If there’s one brain cell in that pretty lil’ head of hers, she’ll pick up on my vibes and not push me right now.
“See ya, Sawyer, thanks for letting me hang. I’m out.” I jump out of the bed like it’s on fire and practically run out of the room. I don’t stop until I’m crashing through the lobby doors into the brisk night air. I have on no shoes, no coat…and no fucks given.
I just start jogging, sucking huge gulps of air into my lungs. The burn of it actually feels good, therapeutic even. Maybe I’ll go to the campus park and sleep on a bench. Maybe I’ll climb a tree, find a nice bridge; I don’t even care right now.
Tears gush down my face and I refuse to wipe them. All I feel is the anger pushing me to run and run. Why am I doing this to myself? Just go back to your room, Laney…NO! Why am I here? College degrees are almost useless in today’s market, not that I even know what degree I want or that it matters, since I’m having a complete nervous breakdown! Like mother, like daughter, right? I’m going crazy AND I’m running, literally.
The night temperature, which only I would think has a chill to it, wet hair, and the running barefoot thing finally win out so I’m forced to stop and sit on a picnic table. My feet aren’t cut or bleeding, but they hurt. I just start to catch my breath when I see headlights slowly approaching. I really hope the panic attack taking over finishes me off before the possible murderer in the car gets out. The vehicle stops, and it’s then that I realize how irresponsible I’m being.
Chest constricting, it’s difficult to breathe and true fear begins to ring in my ears. No smartass comments come to mind; shit just got real. I don’t do stupid stuff like this. I don’t throw myself into unsafe situations. I’m head over ass in petrified shock…until I see Dane step out of the car.
“Disney, is that you?!” He’s barreling towards me, hands fisted and swinging with his pace.
“No habla.”
He’s right in front of me now, glaring down, and it’s obvious he’s not happy. Well, too damn bad, neither am I.
“Laney, it’s dangerous, you alone out here. What the hell are you doing?” His face is inches from mine as he screams.
“Walk away, Dane, leave me be,” I say in a cold, stoic voice. “It’s official, I’m just like her, and you’re practically a stranger so there’s still time for you to run away unscathed.”
“Just like who? Laney, speak English, literally. If you’re gonna spout shit off, at least make it real.” He crosses his arms against his chest and it raises my defenses.
“You don’t want me to be real, Dane. I don’t know you like that. You don’t need my sob story. Seriously, go back to your meadowlark and I’ll just go home.”
“Good, let’s get you home. It’s late and you’re upset.” He moves gently now, his arms about to embrace and guide me to his car, but I push him away.
“No, Dane!” I run my hands through my wet hair. “I mean home home. I’m done. I’m going back home.”
“Laney, don’t be crazy, just calm down. We can fix this.” He comes toward me again and this time I jump from the table and move away. I’m even more pissed now. His choice of words wasn’t good, and he’d know that if he knew me—he doesn’t. No matter how he’d instantly drawn me in and coaxed me out—he doesn’t know me.
“That’s right, I’m crazy; the whole ‘rational girl who talks about things calmly’ is all an act. I can’t handle all of this. My first challenge and I screw it up just barely in, and now—I’m gonna run. And we aren’t gonna fix anything.” I’m yelling now. It’s not what I do, o
r so I thought.
“Dammit, Laney, stop it! You don’t have to prove shit to me, just talk to me, for Christ’s sake. Let me take you in and we’ll talk.” His voice is firm but his deep brown eyes are pleading with me and I want so badly to believe he’ll listen and not judge me. No, he’ll use it to hurt me, just like all the other lines he’s thrown me before.
“I can’t go in there. My room’s been taken over by two happy people who remind me my heart is bleeding every time they speak. Zach isn’t home, you invaded Sawyer’s room with your Barbie, and the person who knows me best in the whole wide world apparently lost my number! That or the skank he’s banging, which I basically told him was okay, keeps sending me straight to his voicemail.” Stop, you’re scaring him with verbal vomit! My mind is reeling but I keep going. “Maybe I’ll ask him when I’m at his school this weekend with the softball team I shouldn’t even be on because I’ve sucked at it for a while now. Maybe there’s time before my stalker sends me a head in a box! But, if you take me to ‘the studio’ again,” I ramble, throwing in snarky air quotes, “cause you know, ‘I’m special,’ I’ll feel all beautiful again and forget that I’ve turned into a complete whack job who gives up and runs, just like her mother! Sound fixable, Dane?”
And now he knows it all and can walk away, and quickly. I’ve just screamed, cried, and regurgitated onto him like a blubbering psycho. I’m officially as exposed and as vulnerable as I’ve ever been, and too damn numb to care. Maybe he’ll tell everyone and the whole school can whisper about me, again…gotta love the limelight.
“Why are you still standing there?!” I yell. “Are you a glutton for punishment?”
All at once he moves and throws me over his shoulder, carrying me to his car.
“Put me down!” I scream, banging on his back. “If your parakeet’s in that car laughing at me, I’m gonna kick her ass!”
I feel him laugh under me, but I don’t see what’s so funny. He throws me across the seat from his side, banging my butt against the console, and locks the doors before I can scramble out. Well, at least there’s no one else in the car; a small consolation.
