by S. E. Hall
I don’t even ask what they are. One, I don’t care, and two, I trust him impeccably. I know it sounds childish and trite, but one thing, above all, calms me and I need it so bad right now.
“Will you sing to me?” I whisper and lock onto his hand with mine, needing a physical connection as well. “Please? Just until I fall asleep?”
His answer is his smooth voice, telling me how he’ll never let me fall, he’ll stand up with me through it all. I know he will, and how he knows the exact things to say to me, melodic and healing; as he wraps his arms around me and rubs his cheek to mine, he too wraps me in love. I know it, “Your Guardian Angel” by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. It just might have been exactly what I’d requested, had he needed to ask.
When I wake, the inside of the plane is bright and small. We’re obviously on a private flight that Dane had no doubt arranged at a moment’s notice, for me. He’s asleep in the seat beside me, head hanging my way, his hand on my leg. He looks beautiful with his brown hair mussed, his lashes long and dark. I place a soft kiss on his full lips, lingering until his eyes open, groggy and clouded with sleep, and he slowly smiles at me.
“Morning, baby.”
“Morning. Where are we?”
He reaches above his head and presses a button, bringing to life a small screen. “About an hour left until landing. You hungry?” He turns and cups my cheek. “You haven’t eaten in a long time.”
“No, I’m not hungry. But I’d love to brush my teeth and get a juice or something.”
“You and your teeth brushing.” He chuckles lightly, releasing first his seatbelt, then my own. “Come on.” He gives me his hand and leads me to the bathroom, handing me a wrapped toothbrush. “I’ll grab you a drink. You sure you won’t eat something?”
“Maybe later; just a juice for now.”
“Okay.” He gives me a disappointed look. “I’ll be out here when you’re done.” He shuts the door, giving me some privacy.
When I’m feeling freshened, I come out and sit beside him, gulping down my apple juice in all but one swallow. “Do I remember you saying you talked to my dad?”
“Yes, I called him. He sounded all right, glad to get ahold of us. I told him we’d get there as soon as we could and stay a bit. This man who,” he pauses, “died. You and your dad were pretty close to him?”
“Very,” I reply, my voice cracking in my effort not to cry again.
His hands move to my hips and he pulls me in his lap, tucking my head into his hard chest. “Tell me all about him, please?”
So I do. I talk non-stop until we land about all my favorite memories of Mr. Jones, all the Jones’—their farm, their friendship, their love and acceptance. I cry the whole time, of course, Dane’s rhythmic rubbing on my back never faltering. It feels really good to get it out—like I’m honoring Dale’s memory by telling another exactly how wonderful he was.
Dane is sneakily insightful; he always knows just what I need just when I need it.
Deflection
I arrive home, safe and sound, although I’m not quite sure how I drove. I felt a bit like a pansy for crying so much, until I got home and saw my dad’s red-rimmed eyes; then I knew it was okay. Sometimes real men cry.
My parents are holding up pretty well. Dad’s quiet, Mom’s cooking up a storm. That’s what my mom does—she puts her own feelings aside and takes care of everyone else around her. She makes sure everyone’s fed, everyone gets enough hugs, and everyone has everything they need that she could possibly provide.
Well, what do you know? I’ve never compared anyone else to my mother, so selfless and giving, but a certain blue-eyed beauty, gentle and considerate, just crossed my mind.
Once I’m truly convinced my parents are all right, I head out to check on Mr. Walker. “Well, look who it is!” he greets me. “Evan, my boy, come on in.”
“Hey, Mr. Walker. Thought I’d come by and see ya. Laney’s on her way, bit behind me.”
“Yeah, I talked to that fella of hers. Had her out in Hawaii,” he grunts. “Guess you don’t want to hear about that, though, sorry.” He stumbles a bit to the couch, bumping into the coffee table which is lined with beers cans that fall over noisily.
Can’t say I blame him, really.
“You had dinner, Mr. Walker?”
“Why so formal? You forget my name?” He laughs, but his eyes don’t. “I’ll eat when I’m hungry. Right now, I just wanna get drunk and try to get some sleep. Sure gonna miss my friend. Good man he was,” he raises his beer can in the air, “the best.”
“Jeff, can I use your restroom?”
“Why are you even asking? You know where it is.”
I shut myself in, turning on the water to cover my voice. I don’t want to trick anybody, but I’m a little out of my league here. I’m not about to tell a grown man to stop drinking, but I know Laney’d want something different to be happening right now.
“Hello?”
“Dad, hey, I need your help. Can you come keep Mr. Walker company? He’s drunk and I need to go check on Parker.”
“Ya, bud. Stay ‘til I get there, I’m on my way.”
When my dad arrives about ten minutes later, I leave them to it and head to Parker’s. I haven’t seen him in months, but he’ll always be my brother and I know he’s gotta be a mess. My phone rings on my way, and my chest feels a little less tight when I see her name on the screen.
“Hey, Whitley.”
“Hey, how are you?”
I’d made her and Sawyer throw everything in the truck the minute I got the call, barely putting on the brakes when I dropped them back on campus. I’m not even sure what energy I’m running on right now.
“Hanging in there; ‘bout to go check on Parker.”
“Evan,” she says, her voice gentle, “can I come help you? I hate that you’re by yourself for all this.”
Every part of me wants to say yes, I could sure use her here with me right now, a natural, easy comfort, but I’ve got to deter her from thinking she has to take care of me. I want to be her “cause” even less than I want to risk our friendship.
“I’m not by myself. I’ve got my parents. Besides, there’s other people hurting worse than me. I’ve got to be there for them. But I appreciate it, Whit, I really do.”
“Is Laney there yet?”
“No, probably late tonight, or morning even. Long way from Hawaii.”
“Dane will come with her,” she says matter-of-factly. “I know, I talked to him. Laney was pretty out of it.”
“Okay, I just thought—”
“Whitley, you don’t have to stand beside me just because he’s standing beside her. It’s not a competition.”
Shit. I’m tired and sad and talking out my ass, not only because of the obvious, but from this constant internal struggle I have about Whitley really starting to wear on me. I regret it the minute I say it and the hurt in her voice slices into me.
“I know that,” she replies, calmer than I would be if she said the same thing to me. “That’s not what I meant. I just want to help you if I can.”
“I’m sorry, Whit. Ignore me. Just a shitty deal, shitty mood.” Dammit! I slap the steering wheel; she didn’t deserve that. “Listen, let’s talk later, okay?”
“Okay, just call me if you need me.”
A very beautiful girl, about my age I’d guess, answers the door. “Is Parker here?”
“Yeah sure, come on in. You are?” she asks, holding the door open to me.
“Evan. Evan Allen.” I take off my cap and offer my other hand. “Oh, Evan! Nice to finally meet you. Parker talks about you all the time. Is Laney with you?” she asks, peeking past my shoulder.
Um, no, stranger, Laney and I don’t travel in two anymore. Another jackass thought; God, I am in such a dick mood today. “No, she’s on her way in from Hawaii. She’ll be here soon. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”
“Lord, my manners. I’m a little out of sorts. I’m Hayden, Parker’s girlfriend.”
“Nice to meet you, Hayden. So, where’s our boy?”
“In the kitchen with his mama.”
She turns to walk that way and I peek into the kitchen to see Parker at the table, his head in his hands, hair pushed back and sticking up through his fingers. Angie sits across from him, hands wrapped around a coffee mug, staring off into nowhere.
“Honey,” Hayden says quietly, touching his shoulder, “Evan’s here.”
He lifts his head and his face explodes into a smile that drops just as quickly as it’d appeared; like he forgot for a second this wasn’t just a happy reunion. “Hey, brother.” He stands and wraps me in a hug. “How you been? Thanks for coming.”
I hug him back, my eyes misting. “I’m so sorry, man. So damn sorry.”
“I know, I know.” He gives me another squeeze, then releases me. “Sure is good to see you, though.”
“Mama Jones,” I move over and bend down to hug her, “I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband was one of the finest men I’ve ever known.”
“Evan, my sweet boy,” she grabs the back of my head and moves it to kiss my cheek, “you were always like a son to Dale. He thought the world of you.” She pats my cheek. “You’ve gotten even more handsome since I saw you last. How are you?”
“Fine, ma’am.” I sit down and clutch one of her hands in mine. “What can I do for you? How can I help?”
She cups her other hand over the top of our already joined ones and pats. “I think it’d be great if you would be a pallbearer with your daddy and Mr. Walker, and Parker, of course.” She smiles up at her son. “That’s who Dale would have picked.”
“It’d be,” I suppress a sob, “my honor. Thank you.”
“What about Laney girl?” She almost laughs, sniffling. “You think she wants to help? You know her, I can just see insulting her by thinking she wouldn’t want to carry with the men.”
Parker and I both chuckle, despite the sadness, at the accuracy of Angie’s words.
“It’s okay, Mama, I think she’ll be okay just knowing you thought of her. I’ll tell her,” Parker offers, moving to his mom’s side.
That’s all she could get out, her body now suddenly wrenching and the sounds escaping her positively blood-curdling. It’s depressing and a little scary and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.
“Come on,” Parker says calmly as he helps her up, Hayden scurrying to the other side, “let’s get you to bed now. Time for another pill.”
I stay sitting right where I am, frozen to the spot. The house looks exactly the same… What a stupid thought, of course it does. It’s looked this way as long as I can remember—why would it change just because he’s gone?
“Evan, did you meet the love of my life?”
I startle at Parker’s voice behind me and stand quickly, facing him and Hayden.
“Yes, I met Hayden.” I give her a smile.
“Best girl in the whole world.” He kisses her cheek and she leans into it. “Dad loved her first time he met her. Told me she was a keeper.”
“Well, we all know he had a keen sense.” I wink at her and she giggles softly.
“Y’all stop, you’re embarrassing me. Can I get you a drink or anything, Evan? Babe?”
Parker looks at me and I shake my head no. “No, we’re fine,” he answers her. “You go rest, you been waiting on everybody.”
“I’m gonna go sit with your mom, make sure she falls asleep all right.”
“Thank you, angel,” he says, squeezing her hand. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, Parker.” She gives him a quick kiss and he pats her butt as she leaves the room.
“Gonna marry her,” he proclaims as sure as anything. “She’s wonderful. I’m happy for you, man.”
“Come on, shitsack, let’s have some beers. We can toast the old man. We gotta go in the barn though. If Hayden catches us, she’ll think I’m deflecting. That’s her favorite word.” He laughs and grabs a six pack from the fridge.
I follow him into to the barn, the memories flooding me. “Hey, Sebastian.” I pat the horse’s head; Laney’s favorite. Dale had let her name him, and of course, she’d done so after the crab in The Little Mermaid. There’s a duck waddling around somewhere named Aladdin and the barn cat is Figaro.
“So,” Parker interrupts my reminiscing, “let’s deflect. Tell me about you, ‘cause I can’t think about my dad right now.”
“Not much to tell, really. I transferred to Southern.”
He nods, taking a drink. “I heard.”
“Laney’s in love.”
“Heard that too.”
“Kaitlyn turned out to be a two-faced snake.”
“Already knew that.”
Guess we’re all caught up.
Parker takes the lead on our exhilarating conversation. “Laney coming?”
“Yeah.” I go ahead and grab a beer out of the pack; if ya can’t beat ‘em and all. “Should be here soon.”
“Bringing her new man?”
“Yeah.”
He props his chair back, propping his feet against a stall. “I always thought the two of you would end up together.”
“Me too.” I pop one shoulder up. “Guess that’s what we get for thinking.”
“You all right?”
His father just died and he’s worried about me? It makes me feel like a shallow ass that we’re talking about my problems in the shadow of the much bigger picture, but if that’s what makes him feel better, I’ll take the heat. “Yeah, man, I’m fine. It sucked at first, but every day is a little easier.”
I think of Whitley and almost feel guilty, in light of things, at the small grin that escapes. She’s the reason it’s a bit easier, plain and simple, no matter how I try to fight it. Then I think of how shitty I’d treated her earlier and my face falls; I could kick myself.
“Who is she?” Parker asks, a grin on his face.
“Who’s who?” I ask, willing my face to look as blank as possible.
“The girl you’re not telling me about.”
“How’d you know that?” Damn, Parker’s more aware of my life than even I am.
“I didn’t.” His grin widens. “You just told me.”
“Dick!” I flick my beer tab at him. “She’s just a friend. Can’t go there with her, too risky.”
“That’s your problem, Allen, no risk. You’ve been wrapped up in Laney for so long, you’ve never opened yourself up to other possibilities. You ever think maybe Laney always seemed so perfect to you because you never dared let her have a little competition?”
“That’s not true. I messed around with a few girls.”
“Messed around,” he scoffs. “Big deal. You ever date? Get to know anybody? Let ‘em in?” He knows the answer, he just wants me to say it.
“Why are we talking about this anyway?” I turn now, engrossed once again in Sebastian. “Shouldn’t we be figuring out what to do about your mom, or this farm?”
“Only thing that’s gonna help Mama is time,” he says. His voice holds a melancholy tone, but only for a moment. “Farm’s simple; I’m coming home to run it. Gonna ask Hayden to marry me and come with. Give my mama some grandkids to love.”
“Parker,” I face him abruptly, trying to hide the condescension in my voice, “you’re what, just turned twenty? Are you sure you’re not rushing things? Your dad would want you to finish school, be sure. Your mom can hire somebody to run the place until you have summer breaks and graduate.”
“I was always gonna come home and run this farm one day. Why do I need a college degree for that? Besides, I like farming. And I love Hayden, more than anything. I want her with me, always. I wish like hell my dad was still here,” he takes a long drink of beer, “but he’s not. I know what’s right. This is what I’m meant to do. Now.”
“I just think you should—”
“Honey, you out here?” Hayden comes in the barn, her eyes seeking out Parker. “Oh Parker, are you out here deflecting?”
“Told y
a,” Parker mouths to me, his shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter. “No, just out here having a beer with my oldest friend. Big difference.”
“Come to bed,” she wraps her arms around his waist, “you’re tired. I’ll give you a back rub,” she croons persuasively.
I’m already walking to my truck, more than sure what his response will be. “I’ll be back tomorrow, Jones. Try to get some rest.”
Evan: You awake?
She’s probably asleep. It’s late and I’m a spineless heel for texting instead of calling in the first place, especially at this hour. But it dings.
Whitley: Yes. How are you? Evan: Sorry.
Whitley: Nothing to be sorry for, Evan. It’s a crazy time, I understand.
Evan: Can I call you? Whitley: Anytime.
“Hi,” she answers, her voice soft and kind like always, even after she’s been undeservingly treated badly; not a doormat, never a martyr, just…Whitley. I feel sorry for every dumbass who didn’t recognize her before, every fool who didn’t appreciate the refreshing, beautiful traits this girl has to offer.
“Hi, Whit. Promise I didn’t wake you up?”
“Promise.”
“I just kinda need to talk. And,” I take a deep breath, “I wanted it to be to you.”
“I’m right here.”
She always says the right thing. She always says it in the right voice. She confuses the hell out of me; I can only imagine what I’m doing to her.
I tell her about my night; my concerns about Parker’s plans, my hurt for Angie, and even my greatest memories of Dale. She listens and offers little pieces of agreement, or advice, but argues with me freely when she feels the need. At this point in my life, I can honestly say, there’s no one I’d rather talk to.
Already knowing it’s a bad idea, I push away that thought, and force out the words. “I wish you were here, Whitley.”
“I am.”
“No, I mean here here, by my side.”
“I’m at Bonnie’s Bed and Breakfast. You know it?”
Of course I know it, Bonnie’s been playing Bridge with my mom every Wednesday afternoon since I don’t know when. “I know it.” I pause and my heartbeat speeds up. “You’re really there? I mean here?”
