by Vivien Brown
‘Of course I do. Oh, Ollie, I can’t believe it. Nat, come on in and look. It’s like a miracle, and at your wedding too. I didn’t think this day could get any better, but …’ Kate nodded a belated hello to Clara, lifted the baby from Laura’s arms and looked into her sleepy scrunched-up face. ‘Oh, she’s adorable. She has your nose, Ollie, and Laura’s hair, oh, Ollie, I wish your father was here to see her.’
‘Do you?’
‘Of course. This is his grandchild too, and she’s just what he needs. Something to fight for. He’ll get better now, I’m sure of it.’ Was she crying? Beth felt sure that she was. ‘He’ll have to.’
‘Now, can we all have a cuddle of this scrumptious new niece of ours?’ Beth said, trying to lighten the mood before everyone ended up in tears, and pushing Nat’s chair closer so she could see. ‘Because we are aunties now, girls. Aunties! All of us. Can you believe it?’
‘I bet you can,’ Ollie said, turning his gaze on Beth. ‘You weren’t at all surprised. You knew, didn’t you? Not only Jenny, but you too?’
‘I …’
‘All the time we’ve spent together lately, getting ready for the show, and you didn’t say a word.’
‘Don’t be too hard on her,’ Laura said, taking the baby back from her doting grandmother and kissing the top of her head. ‘I was so scared something would go wrong. After all the others, I’d more or less convinced myself it would. That there was something wrong with me, and I’d never be a mum. All that pain we went through before … I couldn’t put you through that again, so I asked them not to say anything and they didn’t. You have two very loyal and loving sisters here.’
‘Three!’ Natalie added, sounding annoyed. ‘Don’t forget me. When it comes to secrets I’m always the last to know, but I know now … and just think, I’ve not only become Mrs Natalie King today, I’ve become Auntie Natalie King! I like the sound of that.’
‘You look lovely, Nat, by the way. And congratulations.’ Laura smiled across at Natalie and passed the baby to her. ‘This is your special day, and the last thing I wanted was to steal your thunder.’
‘Thanks,’ Natalie said, before burying her face in her niece’s neck and breathing her in. ‘But there’s nothing for you to apologise for. I am so glad you came. Oh, wow. This is just so unbelievable!’
‘Group hug!’ Beth shouted suddenly, unable to contain her excitement any longer, and rushed to grab everyone at once just as two old ladies who had been about to come in to use the loo quickly backed off in alarm, legs crossed, and went away again.
***
The final dress rehearsal went like a dream. As Beth watched Victoria Bennett step onto the stage in her brand-new Mary costume, all roundly padded out with pregnancy-bump cushions, and launch effortlessly into her solo of ‘Little Donkey’, the emotion and excitement of the last few days almost sent her into floods of tears. The little girl’s voice had something magical about it that matched Beth’s mood and she was glad of the twins’ entrance, in their donkey outfit, tripping over their own feet and knocking the door off the inn, to make her laugh out loud again.
‘It’s great, isn’t it?’ Sean walked up beside her in the wings and gave her a playful peck on the cheek.
‘What was that for?’ It was all she could do to stop herself blushing like a teenager.
‘Don’t need a reason, do I? Just happy to see you.’
‘You too.’ She beamed at him. ‘And, yes, it is great. All of it. Even the wonky door.’
‘Hmmm, not my finest work, was it? If one knock from a donkey’s bum can pull it off!’
‘I’m sure you can sort that out easily enough. I have every faith in you.’
‘Do you?’
‘Of course. You are this show’s answer to Bob the Builder. Can he fix it? Yes, he can!’
‘Well, I’ll do my best. Now, tell me. How’s the newest addition to the family?’
‘Settling in very well, thanks. Laura and her aunt were booked into a hotel on the day of the wedding. Well, Laura couldn’t be one hundred per cent sure Ollie would take her back. But I’m pleased to say he did. With open arms! So she’s moving back in with him now and they spent what was left of the weekend frantically buying cots and clothes and buggies and God knows what else. And they’ve still got to drive back up to her aunt’s to pick up what’s left of Laura’s things. I’m surprised Ollie’s been able to drag himself in to work this week, to tell you the truth.’
‘Only a couple more days and it’ll be the Christmas holidays. He can be a full-time daddy for a while then, but for now he’s still got to run a bunch of kids round a frosty field several times a day. And, more importantly, he’s got a show to put on.’
‘And he’s loving it. If only he can stay awake long enough!’
‘Baby keeping him up at nights, is she?’
‘Only because he can’t stop gazing at her! Talk about doting father …’
‘He deserves it, Beth. He’s a good guy.’
‘I know. And she is a beautiful baby. I can’t wait to start buying her piles of presents. Her first Christmas! Not that she’ll know that, or remember anything about it afterwards. And, of course, this does mean there’ll be two more at home on Christmas Day. Laura’s not going to want to cook.’
‘You still want me to come? I won’t be in the way? You know, intruding on a family occasion …’
‘Don’t be daft. More the merrier, as my old Granny Molly always says. And I want you there.’
‘Do you?’
Oh, God, she was starting to blush again. Still, he’d be gone soon enough, in a few more months, back to Australia. If she made a complete and utter fool of herself, the embarrassment wouldn’t have to last long. There was nothing to lose really, was there?
‘Yes. Very much.’
‘Fancy a drink tonight? Maybe dinner? My treat?’
Ollie jumped up from his chair at the back of the hall as another song came to its close and the inn keeper trailed off stage, still muttering his two lines under his breath, over and over again, as if he was worried he might forget them.
‘Okay, everyone,’ Ollie shouted, clapping his hands together to get some attention. ‘That was perfect. Well done. Now, places for the final scene, please.’
The donkey wobbled past, trying to replace its head, as hordes of excited children in assorted animal costumes bounded onto the stage.
Beth nodded at Sean. ‘Yes, I’d like that. Thank you.’
‘My pleasure.’
A feeling of warmth flooded through her. Just being with Sean was a pleasure. Having a drink, a chat, a laugh. It didn’t matter what. She would probably have a fantastic time at the dentist if Sean was there to hold her hand! She had never met anyone quite like him. When she thought of all the years she had wasted on Jake … but then, if she hadn’t spent so long with the wrong man, she may never have recognised the right one when he came along.
As the children found their positions and gathered around the manger, each face gazing down at the plastic doll lying half-buried in its bundle of straw, their voices rose together, not all tunefully, but happily, in one big, joyful, overwhelmingly powerful swell. Beth let the sound wash over her and felt the tears she had been holding back well up again. And that was when she realised, without any sort of sudden jolt or thunderbolt moment, but calmly and naturally, as if she’d known it and felt it for ever, that she was in love.
***
‘What’s it like? Australia?’ Beth put her cutlery down and turned to face Sean, sitting on the bench seat beside her in the window of The Golden Parrot.
‘Hot.’
‘Oh, come on, there must be more to it than that. Do they have pubs, for instance? Like this one? And fish and chip shops, and KFC, and Marks and Spencer?’
Sean laughed. ‘It may be the other side of the world but it’s not the back of beyond, y’know! Of course it has its wild areas, its deserts and bush fires, koalas in the trees instead of squirrels, but it’s also a very civilised country.
If you measure civilisation by chain stores and fast-food outlets, anyway!’
‘I didn’t mean …’
‘No, I know what you meant. It’s hard to sum it up, really. It’s a huge place and one end of it can be as different from the other as … well, it’s like trying to compare central London with the Isle of Skye, I suppose.’
‘I’ve never been to the Isle of Skye.’
‘No. Me neither! But Oz is different things to different people. Whether it’s the big beautiful beaches, or the grand opera house, or kangaroos in the outback, or just an ordinary suburban street …’
‘Like in Neighbours, you mean?’
‘I haven’t watched that in years! But, yeah, I guess. Is Doc Kennedy still in it?’
‘I don’t know. Probably!’
‘And did you know we even have penguins in Victoria, where I’m from? Cute little fellas they are too.’
‘Really? But I thought you said it was hot?’
‘It is.’
Beth laughed. ‘I give up.’
‘Don’t do that, Beth.’ He slipped his arm behind her and leant it across the high- cushioned back of the seat, a thigh brushing lightly against hers, but not so lightly that she wasn’t acutely aware of it. ‘You know, if you really want to see what Australia’s like, you should come out there.’
‘Oh, I don’t know about that. It’s such a long way, and I bet it costs thousands.’
‘It’s a long way, yes, but, let’s face it, a trip up to the Isle of Skye would probably take you nearly as long, and you’d get there feeling knackered. At least on a plane you can sleep, and eat and drink, and watch movies. You’re there before you know it! Think about it, Beth. I’ll be going home in July, soon as the school year ends. Come with me. Take a holiday. You can stay with me. There’s plenty of room. Mum and Dad won’t mind. In fact, they’d love it. So it’s not going to cost you anything except the flight …’
‘I’ll think about it.’
‘Of course, you could always chuck your job in and come for longer. I’m sure there’s a need for good hairdressers in Oz.’
‘Is there?’ Beth could feel her heart starting to flutter.
‘There’s always work if you look hard enough. Take a chance, like I did when I came here. Work, play, have fun. You really can’t see Australia in a couple of weeks, y’know. It’s the sort of country you need to experience longer term. Sort of absorb it, if you know what I mean. And what’s to keep you here? You’re young, free …’
‘… and single.’ Beth laughed, finishing his sentence for him, automatically, before thinking about what she was saying.
‘Not if you don’t want to be,’ Sean said, taking hold of her hand. ‘Because the real reason I want you to come with me is … Well, I like you, Beth. I like you a lot, and I already know just how much I’d miss you if you weren’t in my life. So, come with me. With me, as in us being boyfriend, girlfriend … a couple.’
‘Sean …’
‘Okay, I know it’s all a bit sudden.’
‘Sean …’
‘And you really don’t have to make up your mind right now. I’m gonna be around for months yet, so let’s just see how it goes, shall we? I’m not trying to rush you or anything.’
‘Sean, will you shut up?’ She lifted her hand to his chin and pulled his face towards her. ‘And just kiss me.’
His lips found hers as he tilted his head, his eyes closed, his arms wrapping themselves tightly around her in a perfect fit. She could feel the warm strength of him pressing against her, the intoxicating mix of gentleness and raw need pulling her deeper and deeper into the kiss.
‘Beth …’ He eased himself back, his face just inches from hers.
‘It’s okay. I don’t need months to make up my mind. I’d miss you too. In fact, I miss you already!’ She snuggled her head under his chin and rested it against his chest, listening to his heart beating solidly, rhythmically, beautifully, in her ear. ‘And the answer’s yes. I will come with you to Australia.’
Chapter 47
Kate, 1997– 2001
Jenny was a little treasure. Despite all my reservations, I couldn’t help but fall in love with her. I would watch her as she slept, all curled up in a ball, the same way she had on the night she’d arrived, and marvel at how resilient she was, how adaptable, and yet how vulnerable. She had lost a mother, just as I had lost a child. Together, we seemed to find what was missing, and it felt good. It seemed I had needed her as much as she needed me.
I couldn’t give up my job so we kept sending her to the childminder she was used to. It helped to keep things normal for her, maintaining her routine. But in the evenings and at the weekends she was ours. Pretty, funny, a breath of fresh air. Separate from the others in age and looks, yet she melded in, so quickly.
She would ask about her mother, often at first. Where she was, when she was coming back … But her memories seemed to fade slowly away, as I suppose they do at so young an age, until one day I realised she was calling me Mum and the questions had stopped.
I couldn’t have done it without the others, of course. Their happiness had to come first, as it always had. If they had shown any jealousy or resentment, how on earth would I have been able to have her there, expect them to absorb her into our family? It would not have been fair. This wasn’t some new baby sister they had had nine months of a pregnancy to get used to, the way other siblings did. She had arrived, fully formed and with no warning whatsoever.
Maybe children just don’t see things the way we do. They adored her. And so, amazingly, did I. It was just Dan I felt unsure of. Because I never lost sight of the fact that it was Dan’s fault she existed, never hers.
***
Princess Diana died that summer. We sat at opposite ends of the sofa, Dan and I, with all four children between us, watching the TV in awe as the thousands upon thousands of bunches of flowers piled up in front of Kensington Palace. Outpourings of love for a woman the vast majority had never met, but loved just the same. My heart went out to her boys. I could hardly believe how brave they were. In the midst of all that grief, they were still able to hold things together, come out to greet the crowds, put on a dignified face for the world. If losing her mum had had to happen to Jenny, at least it had been while she was still so young, still unable to fully understand, or perhaps, in the years to come, to remember.
For a few short hours, as we wept disbelievingly with the rest of the nation, what was happening in our own small world at home paled into insignificance, and I sent up a silent prayer for Trevor, and for Mum, a sort of angry frustration building up inside me at death and the power it had to just turn up unannounced, deliver its cruel blow and crush those it left behind.
‘Do you ever wonder …’ Dan said that night, lying beside me, staring up at the ceiling, talking into the dark, ‘what life would have been like if the IVF had failed? If the embryos hadn’t hung on? Any of them? If we had never had children at all?’
‘I used to. Before. When we were still trying, when the money was running out and neither of us knew if we would ever get lucky. I would lie awake sometimes and imagine us getting older on our own, both of us still working, having money to spend, going on holidays, just carrying on doing what we had always done, but it always felt like something would be missing. That we were ready for a change and, if it hadn’t come, then …’
‘Then what? We wouldn’t have survived?’
‘Maybe. But it did work, didn’t it? So we’ll never know what might have happened to us if it didn’t. There’s not a lot of point in trying to work out what-ifs. We have what we have. And all the ups and downs that have come with it. The good luck and the bad.’
‘And have we survived, do you think? You and me? Because it doesn’t always feel like it.’
‘I don’t know. We’re still here, aren’t we? Still married. Still together. Parents.’
‘And is that it? We limp along, side by side, for the rest of our lives, just being parents?’
&n
bsp; ‘Maybe. But what about you? Do you still love me, Dan? Or do you still think about her? Fiona? Who knows where we would be now if she was still here. You would have had to find a way to bring Jenny up together, wouldn’t you? And to tell me about it, eventually. And now I can’t even have it out with her, rant and scream at her, smack her in the face. I can’t even be sure you wouldn’t have left me for her in the end, can I? Because the bloody woman had your baby and then went and died, just like Princess Diana, and that makes her the saint and me …’ I stopped, not even really sure of the point I was trying to make, just aware of the sheer unfairness of it all.
‘Comparing us to royalty now, are you? Charles and Di? It’s hardly the same. They were already divorced, for a start …’
‘Exactly. And whose fault was that? He was carrying on, wasn’t he? With someone else …’
‘Oh, Kate, how many times do I have to tell you …?’
‘I don’t know. Until I believe it, I suppose.’ I turned my back and curled my knees up, trying to stop my legs from shaking, pushing my face into the pillow, and tried to clear my head of that image. The same one that always crept in when I least expected it to. A face I didn’t recognise but knew must be Fiona’s. A face I wanted to smash to a pulp, but a face that slowly blurred and shrunk until it became Jenny’s face. That sweet little face I was growing so fond of, day by day. And that’s what I couldn’t make any sense of. No sense at all.
***
Dan and me; me and Dan. Love and marriage; horse and carriage. What more can I say? We had made four beautiful children, lost one, gained one. And, whatever we did or felt, or wished we’d done or felt, we were together and we had to see it through. We were parents and, once the carefree fun stuff of our twenties and early thirties was behind us, being parents was what came next, what we had both wanted more than anything. And once we had that, there was no walking away.
