by Sara Shirley
Then, there is my costume. It’s more for Jeremy’s entertainment, or more his torment, than anything. I’ve overly applied my makeup and let my hair drop in heavily defined curls with a black satin ribbon tied in a bow on top. My old skating costume with a blue tulle skirt and puff sleeves has been nicely shortened, and Grace has attached a white apron that falls to maybe thigh high. Finishing the costume are my bright blue platform heels and white thigh highs with a big black bow on the front where it meets my thighs. My little bunny rabbit will complete the transformation into the sexified Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Jeremy will die a thousand deaths before this night is over.
All of us are sitting around laughing and talking about absolute nonsense, when a little girl no more than three comes barreling into the room wearing a princess costume. “Cotwey! Cotwey!” She adorably attempts saying Courtney’s name.
A woman’s voice comes up the stairs from behind her. “Maggie, where do you think you’re going?” After introductions, I learn that this is Maggie, Courtney’s cousin Jim’s, little girl and his wife Kristen. Kristen is clearly interested in finally meeting the one and only girl Jeremy has ever brought home to meet the parents. Evidently, I am all Grace talks about to everyone in the family these days.
Grace comes up shortly after to give the thumbs up on the costumes and also to secure the buns to Sue’s oven. As bad as it is, we can’t stop laughing, and Sue can’t either. I think after realizing she will have so much support, she is finally becoming comfortable with the idea of pregnancy. It’s Dave she’s worried about. Courtney keeps the light atmosphere by snapping a few selfies of all of us together smiling, hugging and being supportive of each other. I don’t want to be anywhere else right now.
While the girls are busy inside for the afternoon, Josh, Dave, and I spend a good portion of the time setting up tables and decorations. Everything is coming together just before family and friends are set to arrive. The sun is setting, allowing the lights under the tent to twinkle with the soft cool breeze. Josh is busy arranging hay bales and filling the dunk-for-apples bucket with water. Dave is spray painting a makeshift yard Twister game on the grass. My cousin Jim is just arriving with his wife Kristen and daughter Maggie. I’m not sure who we hear first, Maggie yelling all our names as best a three-year-old can, or Jim wheeling in the keg of Otter Creek Oktoberfest shouting, “‘Sup Kids!”
Jim is around my age, and being my dad’s brother’s only kid, we are more like brothers than cousins. Kristen walks over with Maggie on her hip. The big mop of curly red hair and foam bow and arrow aren’t easy to figure out, but Kristen had mentioned to Mom a while ago that Maggie was coming dressed as Merida from Brave. Maggie bounces around, as Kristen listens to something she whispers into her ear.
“Miss Maggie would like to know where Courtney might be hiding. She wants to show her the costume.”
Pointing toward the house, I tell them, “Apparently, all the girls are inside. We’ve been told not to go in. Something about the costumes being a surprise.”
Maggie gets down from Kristen’s arms and runs her little legs through the back door with Kristen quick on her heels. Jim is still setting up the keg as Dave sits on a nearby hay bale telling him about his most recent excursion to Promiscuous.
Walking over to join in on this conversation, I ask, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you going out with Sue now?” I know Dave wouldn’t cheat, but at the same time, I can’t think Sue would be completely okay with him going there without one of us to confirm his faithfulness. Standing slowly, he makes his way over to what is now a small circle since Josh has made his way into our conversation. I can’t confirm or deny, but I’m pretty sure Josh isn’t thrilled about the Dave-Sue dating situation.
Grabbing at my shoulder, Dave says, “Sue’s a big girl. She knew exactly what I was and did before she decided to get involved with this fine piece of male.” Shaking my head at his clear love for himself, I make my way back toward my place to start getting dressed for this shindig. Jim has the keg ready just as I’m about to walk through my back door. “You want one?” he yells.
“Yeah, just have Josh bring it up. I’ve got to get dressed,” I tell him before shutting the door behind me.
As I’m almost dressed in my nerd costume, Josh walks in wearing his own costume and carrying two red Solo cups. All it takes is one look, and I am laughing hysterically. I swear, he can’t have it any more spot on. The bathrobe, the dress shoes without pants, the winter hat with earflaps and the shitter hose. He is the epitome of Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
“That’s the best costume I’ve seen in years!”
Josh hands me my cup and looks me over. “What the hell are you supposed to be?” I hardly put any thought into the costumes, but this year I did actually go out to buy the pocket protector, bowtie, black thick-framed glasses and suspenders. It should be totally obvious what I am dressed as.
“Dude, I’m a nerd.”
He looks me up and down. “Really? Kind of thought you were that guy from Family Matters, but it’s decent.”
As he starts walking back toward the living room, we hear the door slam open and Jim and Dave storm in boisterously. What the hell? My head angles around the corner, and I have to do a double take. Jim’s costume is straightforward. He’s dressed as a cowboy, but Dave’s costume just set the bar. Josh and I are at a loss for words, standing there staring at this genius of a costume. It’s almost as though Justin Timberlake is standing in my living room. Dave already has the shaggy hair and scruffy beard, but the black sunglasses, gold chain, black blazer and wrapped gift box held up by his belt is seriously the best “Dick in a Box” costume I’ve ever seen.
Dave begins singing the song from the Saturday Night Live skit, and that’s all it takes for us to just start laughing so hard tears come to our eyes. Dad walks in from the stairway a few seconds later wearing his Hugh Hefner costume and shakes his head in disbelief. He’s always been amazed at our ability to make each other laugh.
“Everyone is starting to arrive, and you’re going to want to see the girls. Even your mom dressed up as Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby,” he comments. Before heading downstairs, Dad eyes Dave’s costume and shakes his head.
“All right, boys, let’s do this,” Jim says, rubbing his hands together before pulling out four shot glasses and my bottle of Patron from the counter. Dave finally replaced the bottle he consumed nearly two months ago, as a birthday gift. He pours the four shots, all of us raising them in the air. “To Jeremy, Happy Birthday. Here’s hoping you continue to live your dreams and follow your heart. Cheers!” Jim toasts, winking at me before we all tip our heads back and slam the glass onto the counter. Damn, that shit’s smooth.
We continue to laugh about random shit all the way to the backyard, which is now swarming with about thirty or so people. Everyone came over to wish me a Happy Birthday as they normally do. Most of the crowd is family, friends, and neighbors that have known us for years. Glancing around for Emily, I don’t spot her yet, but I do see Courtney and Mom leaving the house. Mom is carrying her infamous spiked hot apple cider, and Courtney is bringing out the cupcake tower. She really has talent. Making my way over to Courtney as she’s arranging the cupcakes on the table, I look at each one and wonder how much time she spent on these for me. “Thanks, Court. I know these must have taken a really long time.”
“Anytime, plus, it is your birthday, and I get to practice all at the same time. You know I love this shit.” I know she does, but I still appreciate it just the same.
Scratching my temple, I ask, “What exactly are you supposed to be?”
She narrows her eyes at me before stating with confidence, “I’m Katniss Everdeen, winner of The Hunger Games, and don’t you forget it.”
Laughing at her attempt to get into character, I’m just about to ask her where Emily is when I catch a blonde moving out of the corner of my eye. Looking up, I only see her back from afar, and then she turns
with some of Mom’s cider in her hand, and my heart stops while my dick twitches. Holy shit. No, no, no, she cannot be wearing that in public.
I hear Courtney snickering next to me, nudging me in the side, “Em’s looking pretty naughty tonight, huh?” She walks away back inside the house as I bump my way through people to get to Emily.
Once I’m almost next to her, I clear my throat. As she turns to face me, I realize she’s dressed as naughty Alice. I’m so fucked. “Em, seriously, what are you wearing? Aren’t you cold? I mean, you really should have a sweater or something. You don’t want to be sick before the next competition.” Way to go, dude. You just rambled off a million reasons for her to dress like a nun in less than five seconds. Next time try to be subtler. I rub my fingers over my temple as a feeling of dread overwhelms my entire body. Guys will be looking at her, and I know I can’t slap a tag on her that reads, “Belongs to the birthday boy—hands off.” Well, I could. I just don’t think she’ll go for it. Smiling at me, she chugs back the cup of cider. I wonder if Mom told her she puts about a bottle and a half of rum in that. “Em, you may want to go easy on that cider.”
Pulling it back from her lips, she glances at the crockpot, then back at me, and shrugs her shoulders. “Why? What’s the matter with it? I’ve already had three cups. It’s yummy.” Okay, it’s time to get some food and water into her stomach.
“Em, let me just say the last time you had something like that you puked at the sight of my dick, and I’m really hoping that tonight isn’t a repeat, ‘cuz that costume is making me want to do some really naughty things to you.”
“Oh my God! The cider is spiked?! Are you serious? No wonder I find this nerdy getup all sexy hot and want to straddle you right now.” She what?
“Seriously?”
Walking away toward the fire pit Dad’s building in the backyard, she turns to me, saying, “Nah, it’s cute, but the glasses really have to go. And, I knew the cider was spiked. That’s why I’ve only had this cup. I had you going, though. Didn’t I?”
Speeding up my step to chase her, I say, “You better run, ‘cuz if I catch you, there’s no telling what I’ll do to you.”
Laughing and out of breath, Emily and I find a spot around the fire pit. I wrap my arms around her waist as she snuggles into my side. The rest of our usual group finds us by the fire and decide to join us for a while. Emily’s competitions appear to be the hot topic of conversation. I remain seemingly quiet during the whole thing, since I just found out what her parents did, and the swollen knuckles on my right hand remind me not to go there.
The ringing of the cowbell tells us that the games are about to begin. It’s something my parents always do. We all pair up and whoever wins the most games gets to take home a separate platter of Mom’s meatballs and a bottle of wine. The prizes aren’t usually why everyone plays. The adults have more fun just playing the games.
Courtney jumps from her hay bale and runs to grab Emily’s hands. “You’re my partner this year. Jeremy doesn’t get to win again. He wins every year because he cheats.”
Emily takes off in a sad attempt to run in her heels while the guys and I walk over to the games just to watch this year. First game up, bobbing for apples.
While I’m talking to Dave about some random hockey play, his eyes go wide, and he spits his beer from his mouth. “I need a minute. It’s just not right.” What the hell? I watch him walk away before turning in the direction he was just looking, and then I see what caused him to turn away.
There’s my girlfriend in her naughty Alice in Wonderland costume on her knees, blindfolded with her hands bound behind her back. She’s bobbing her head, and a million different thoughts race through my mind. Just the main one is enough for me to run my hands through my hair and start pacing the yard because the wrong head is working at the moment. Adjusting my dick in my overly tight dork pants, I see Dave laughing at me because he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
Then, the winner is announced. Well, of course, it’s Emily. I knew that girl could suck. I know I shouldn’t go there; I need to think of hockey and get my mind out of the gutter. As if this night isn’t already strange, Dad appears from the house with Sue on his arm. How am I just now noticing she hasn’t been around? Apparently, neither has Dave, but he tends to bounce from person to person at parties. I notice Sue’s costume, and I stand there, trying to figure it out. Dad gives her a kiss on the cheek before turning back toward the house. Emily and Courtney join her moments later, and they begin making their way to me while Dave and Josh stay near the keg.
Sue is still looking down when Dave comes over to her. “Hey, where have you been? You’ve missed most of the party.” Shoving food into his mouth, he hands Sue his cup of cider, silently asking her if she wants any. When she shakes her head no, he pulls back his arm and shrugs his shoulders. “So, what exactly are you supposed to be? That oven chick from the Beauty and the Beast cartoon? What’s her name?” You idiot, Dave. That was a guy who played that role.Something’s not adding up. Looking closer at the girls’ expressions and the costume, I’m still unsure. When Dave hands Sue his plate with the pulled pork sliders, her face goes green and the plate drops, along with an apron, as she runs to the house. I bend over to pick up the plate and apron. Courtney is running with her, but I grab Emily’s arm before she can go anywhere.
“What’s going on?” I demand before unfolding the apron to reveal the iron-on letters spelling out “Bun Maker.” Was she supposed to be a baker? Emily fiddles with her necklace nervously. She leans in to whisper into my ear. “What?!” I yell, jerking my head back.
“Jeremy! Don’t say anything,” Emily stresses before running off for the house. Like hell that’s happening.
I turn to Dave, who continues to pour himself a drink and piles more food onto his plate. He looks up at me, shrugging his shoulders. “What? What’d I do?” he asks with a mouthful of food.
Sensing my anger, Josh comes over to my side. “What’s going on?” he asks.
“Let’s go! Everyone in the house. Family meeting in the basement. That includes Dave!” I shout.
Because everything always has such incredible timing in my life, just as we are about to head to the house, Mom comes out with a cake, singing “Happy Birthday.” Just. Fuckin’. Great.
All of us are sitting around Sue in the bathroom. Obviously, she has found her first food aversion, pulled pork. We hear a commotion in the kitchen, and given this is the only bathroom in the house, I assume someone needs to use it. A slight knock on the door alerts us that someone is trying to get us out of here.
Courtney cracks the door since she is closest to it, and Travis sticks his head in, looking at Sue with sadness in his eyes. “Jeremy’s called a family meeting downstairs. That includes Sue and Emily.” The door closes, and we look around until Sue begins to stand and freshen her breath with mouthwash. I should break the news to them now that Jeremy knows.
“I might have just told Jeremy about the baby,” I confess. “He knew something was up outside and questioned me.”
Sue spits her mouthwash into the sink. “Well, clearly, Dave didn’t get the costume, so let’s just get this over with. It’s now or never.”
Leaving the bathroom, we see a few people gathered outside waiting to get in. “We’ve all got your back,” Courtney assures Sue before we head toward the family room. As we walk down the stairs, it feels as though we are entering the legendary “kiss and cry” box. It is either going to go well, or really, really bad.
Everyone is gathered on the sofas; their eyes meet ours when they hear us enter the room. Jeremy immediately finds mine as I go to him. After giving him a soft hug, I stand in front of him as he rubs my back, sensing the tenseness in my body.
Grace joins us moments later since Travis is staying upstairs with the partygoers. Turning around to join Sue’s side again, I move next to Courtney while Grace pulls us all together. “No matter what the outcome, we are all here to help. It’s time to face your fears, dear.”<
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Sue nods back silently, sighing before making her way toward the center of the room. “Dave,” she says, getting his attention, “do you have any idea what my costume is?”
Looking her over, his eyes narrow, and his mouth forms a thin line. “I’m guessing it’s not that character from the cartoon. Unless you are an oven, I have no idea.”
Sue, drawing her breath and sighing, asks, “And what is in the oven?”
He glances at her stomach in complete confusion. “Bread?”
She throws her hands up as if this is a total lost cause before she announces the truth. “I’ve got a bun in the oven, Dave. Do you get it now?” He shakes his head, not understanding. Jeremy begins pacing at the other end of the room. “Dude, really?”
Grace makes her way over to Sue’s side just as she looks at Dave. “I’m pregnant, Dave.” Pulling the box over her head, she makes her way over to him. Josh stands and leaves the room almost instantly. I knew there was something there years ago, and obviously, he still holds some feelings for her after all this time apart. Jeremy sits alone on the ottoman while Courtney stands with me, watching this all unfold. Grace silently takes off toward Josh, and then there are five.
We all realize when it finally sinks in with Dave. He shoots up from his seat with anger blazing his face. “You’re what?! I’m not sure I heard that correctly. It sounded as though you said you’re pregnant. How is that even possible? I’ve used protection every time we’ve been together.” There’s a moment where the light bulb finally goes off. “Oh, shit. That night.”
Sue stands with her arms wrapped around her stomach, saying, “Yeah, that night.” Dave begins pacing the room so fast that my head and Courtney’s look like we’re watching a tennis match. After five minutes of silently going back and forth, I have a cramp starting to form in my neck.
Jeremy makes his way toward Courtney and me, trying to get us to head upstairs and give them some privacy. Dave continues pacing a hole in the rug, and from the looks of it, Sue is ready to run up the stairs and curl into a ball.
