Pam decided to see where it was going, if anywhere, before she sprung the AIDS card on him. She wasn’t sure yet if he was really interested in her as more than a client, but she was willing to wait and see.
When they were done eating, he was the one who made a move. “Do you want to work out together today?” he asked. “I wasn’t sure if you go daily, although you look like you do.” And then he winked at her. The sensation his winking at her initiated began with her cheeks getting numb again so that she was afraid she’d be unable to speak when she went to answer him. Then her palms began sweating.
“I do go to the gym every day,” she answered when she realized she could talk. “And sometimes twice a day. I would love to.” Was she kidding herself that working out with him didn’t mean anything? In the next breath, he could start talking about his wife or girlfriend. She had no idea if he was attached or not. She decided not to probe; that wouldn’t be allowing nature to takes its course. “How about letting our food settle and meeting at the gym in two hours?” It would give her a chance to talk to her kids before they began their day.
“OK, two hours it is. But don’t try to get out of it,” he teased. “I know where you live.” They got up together, Dan picking up the bill as they walked to the cash register together, still chatting up a storm. Dave was always so good about bringing food from the grocery store for their meals that Pam got used to picking up the tab when they went out to eat. She reasoned that Dan was trying to be a gentleman, so she didn’t offer to pay. Maybe next time. She remembered the entitlement she had felt when Jack was alive. It never crossed her mind to not buy whatever she wanted, and since it was never anything outlandish, she just did it because she was used to it, and his money always felt like hers. He never said anything to make her think differently. Would she ever feel like that again, as though she belonged to someone totally and what he had was hers? Stifling a laugh, she thought of all the garbage she’d discovered about Jack since his death. Who had she really belonged to? It would appear she had been alone the entire time.
As she and Dan turned to exit the restaurant, he placed his hand lightly on her back as they navigated through the crowd of people waiting to get in for Saturday breakfast. She found the gesture endearing, its suggestion of his possessiveness of her, his protection of her. It gave her a school-girl thrill, the feel of his warm hand on her back lingering long after he removed it.
“Do you want me to come home with you to wait?” he asked, trying to keep the eagerness out of his voice, but failing.
“Well, I have to call my kids, who are both out west. My son is in Pasadena, and my daughter’s in Oahu. They will just be getting up, and I wanted to say hello before they began their day.”
“How old are your children?” he asked. “You don’t look old enough to have kids living on their own.” She turned her head so he couldn’t see her smirk. If he was trying to flatter her, it was working.
“Brent just turned twenty-four, and Lisa is going to be twenty-two. It seems like yesterday they were born, and now they are grown up.” It made her sad, and she was fighting not to allow her voice to break while she spoke. “Lisa will be finished with school next June. I thought she would return to Long Island when she graduated, but now I’m not so sure.” She glanced up at Dan. He was watching her, studying her face. Oh Lord, he’s trying to figure out how old I am, she thought.
“I’m fifty-something, by the way. Is that what you were wondering?” she asked lightly, smiling. She didn’t want him to see her self-confidence dwindling. She was so happy she’d taken the time to have her chin waxed. “You don’t need exact numbers, do you?” What happened next happened so quickly, she almost fell backward. He grabbed her upper arms in his strong hands, and in broad daylight, in a crowded beach-town parking lot, he pulled her to him and kissed her. He kept it closed-mouth or she would’ve pushed him away, but she felt her body responding to his touch, and she wanted more. She didn’t want to have to tell him so soon; hadn’t she just come to the conclusion in the restaurant that she didn’t need to “out” herself that quickly? And now it looked like she had better because he was showing her how interested he was in her, and she was feeling the same way. He let go of her arms, and she wound them around his neck, laying her head on his chest. What now? she thought. Hopefully, they’d go to the gym and work out all of the sexual tension between them. He was rubbing her back while they stood there, and when she noticed someone walking toward them, she moved back from Dan.
“Can we talk in the car?” she asked. He unlocked her car door and opened it for her. She thought about how she would tell him as she buckled her seatbelt. How’d it get to this already? Did a simple kiss from Dan mean she had to tell Dave goodbye? Oh, boy. She thought of her reputation concerns even though the relationships were purely platonic…she first dated the cop Andy, then the grocery manager Dave, now the lawyer. Maybe it was a good thing her children were safely away from all of this. He slid into the car and turned to her.
“I’m listening,” he said.
“I have AIDS,” she said.
He looked at her with his eyebrows lowered, taking the fact in. “I figured that if your husband had it, you might,” he said softly, taking her hand again. “I’m not concerned. Did you think I’d run off?” She choked back a sob, thinking of the different reactions she’d gotten, from Andy the cop’s flight, to Dave grabbing her and crying, and now this guy telling her it was of no concern, taking it in stride.
“I guess I’m a little confused at what’s going on here. I mean, it’s clear we’re attracted to each other, but what does that mean?” she asked, wondering if he thought he was going to hop into bed with her. “Can we just go to the gym?” she asked, laughing, as she wiped away a rogue tear. She’d only known this guy one day and was already feeling emotional around him. They needed to slow way down.
“OK, I gotcha. We need to slow down,” he said, seeming to read her mind. He bent forward to put the key in the ignition. And then he turned to her again. “Being attracted to you means I want to see you. What do you think?”
“Well, I think that’s OK, but aren’t I a little old for you?” She was sorry to draw attention to it because it was so unfair. It’s not my fault I’m so old! He straightened up without turning the engine on.
“No, you’re not. I’m attracted to you and interested in you. That’s enough,” he said with finality. She decided to leave it there but wondered what would happen if they became serious about each other. She wasn’t going to have to wait long.
Chapter 15
Ted and Ashton had the apartment to themselves. Neither minded that their new family found the place so comfortable. After napping on and off all afternoon, they had leftovers for dinner, then said goodbye to their guests. Zach had driven in to the city and would take Natalie home; the Holland Tunnel wasn’t far from Natalie’s apartment, and they’d be home in Hoboken in no time. Deborah was reluctant to leave and clung to Ted and Ashton, thanking them over and over for their hospitality. She promised to call them during the week. Ashton would end up being the liaison because he didn’t mind talking on the phone, while Ted frankly couldn’t stand it.
“Well, that went nicely—sort of,” Ashton said. “Inconvenient that the father is a homophobe.”
“He’s no homophobe. He’s a hateful prick,” Ted answered. “I’m not sure he even likes his own family.” Ted was leaning up against the kitchen counter while Ashton loaded the dishwasher for the fifth time that day. “How much do we need to be involved with them? He’s unpleasant enough that it makes me wonder about the wisdom of being in a relationship with his daughter.”
“Ah, Ted, she’s your daughter. Try to remember that. You don’t know her yet. That’s why you are reluctant. Once you find out what kind of girl she is, I’m sure you’ll grow to love her,” Ashton said, encouraging Ted. “She’s half you and half that lovely woman Natalie. I mean, what’s there not to love about Natalie?”
Ted would’ve been shoc
ked to know that Ashton spent a few moments fantasizing about Ted and Natalie in bed and found it erotic. Ted whispered that he found her about as appealing as a nun when they were first reacquainted, but Ashton disagreed.
“If I were straight, she’d be just the type I would like,” Ashton said.
“You are so full of it!” Ted exclaimed, laughing. “You already told me Pam Smith was more your type!”
“Pam Smith is who I would be if I were a woman,” Ashton replied. “But Natalie, she’s who’d I’d make love to. She’s just plushy. I feel like I would sink into her body. I’m dying to ask her to show me her bosoms.” Ted fell across a kitchen chair laughing.
“You’re insane! Wait—let me write this down somewhere so we don’t forget. Are you saying you’re sexually attracted to Natalie?” Ted asked.
“Not exactly. It’s difficult to explain. She just looks so, I don’t know, comfortable. I wish there were a way I could get that close to her,” Ashton explained. “Complete intimacy.”
“That’s what making love is supposed to be, my friend,” Ted said. “The ultimate expression of love. Too bad our culture has reduced it to mutual masturbation. If you say you want to get closer to her, I’d say we need to examine it. But I’d like to have that conversation later.” He opened the refrigerator for a beer. “Want one?” he asked Ashton. “I think I’ve had enough family talk for one day. Can we go watch the news?”
John and Beverly Phillips were trying to stay out of each other’s way. What bothered John the most about the situation is that they’d done everything right. They moved to Princeton so their children could go to the best schools money could buy. He gave up at least two promotions so they wouldn’t have to move, ensuring stability and security. Beverly was a full-time stay-at-home mom, so they never had to come home to an empty house. What good did it do? Both kids were strong-willed, defiant little assholes—even Greg, who was their own flesh and blood.
He couldn’t get over it that Deborah preferred the company of that loser Zach, a goddamned education major, and her birth parents, to his and Bev’s. How was it possible that she would be intrigued by that dyke and those two homos? It just floored him, and his anger made it impossible to move forward. He had a lot to do for the weekend, but all he was capable of was pacing. He walked into their outdated kitchen—another sacrifice so that Greg could continue at the Friends School. The coffee pot had cold coffee in it from the morning, so he went about emptying it and cleaning it before he could make fresh coffee, cursing his wife under his breath. He’d forgotten that he had poured the last cup before they left for the city. Beverly walked into the kitchen, ignoring that her husband was ready to pick a fight with whatever came out of her mouth.
“You’re making coffee this late? Aren’t you afraid it will keep you up all night?” She went into the pantry to get a can of decaffeinated ground coffee for him. “I have this if you’d rather.” He looked at her with his usual disdain but took the coffee from her. It would have taken too much effort to agree with her and thank her.
“I got an e-mail from the people down at the corner. Evidently, the city is repaving the street next week, and the Porters are hosting their daughter’s wedding on Saturday. They want to know if we’ll sign a petition, not that it’ll do any good,” she said.
“Don’t put your signature on anything, for Christ’s sake,” John said. “Honest to God, Mariel Porter is a horse’s ass. Isn’t that something they should have been watching out for all month?” It would be just like Beverly to sign some half-assed petition, putting her name all over everything. She’d already had her credit card compromised by using it at the gas station. He looked at her and couldn’t believe he was ever attracted to her. She was pretty and in shape, but she was about as dumb as a rock. Plus, he discovered she was watching a liberal news program and was starting to question the values they’d upheld all their lives. He found it impossible to have a decent conversation with her. How did our marriage ever get to this point?
John poured coffee for himself and walked to the kitchen table to sit down. Beverly stood against the counter, watching him. He had a habit of holding his coffee cup with both hands and blowing across the surface of it to cool it off. The blowing made a whistling sound. He did it over and over again, and then he’d take a sip, slurping the coffee up like he was sucking through a straw. He’d repeat the process—the blowing, whistling, slurping—until Beverly thought she would scream for him to stop. She closed her eyes and had a vision. Quietly, she’d walk up behind him and when he was just about to take a sip of the hot coffee, she would slap him on the back of the head. She imagined hot coffee spraying all over the table, and John, incensed, jumping up to see what the hell had just happened. But of course, she never did it. They would never drink coffee together because he irritated her so badly she would have to leave the room. How did our marriage get to this point?a
When they reached Natalie’s apartment, Deborah got out of the car to hug her. Natalie hugged her back.
“I had a great day! Thank you so much for agreeing to see me again,” Deborah said.
“My pleasure,” she answered. “Don’t make Zach wait. If you remember, give me a call so I know you got home all right.” They hugged again, and Deborah got back into the car. She and Zach watched Natalie get into her building and then pulled away from the curb.
“Except for my dad being a putz, today was great,” she repeated to Zach, turning to him. “Thank you for making this possible for me today; for sitting there all day and driving Natalie home.”
“It was nice. I like hanging out in the city,” he answered. “I guess if you have to have birth parents, rich ones who live on the Upper East Side or in the Village are better than not. What do they all do for a living?”
“Ted sells real estate downtown, and Natalie’s a prof at NYU. Ashton does some kind of real estate staging, but I’m simplifying,” she explained.
“Maybe I’d better rethink elementary ed,” Zach said.
“No, you’ll be fine,” Deborah said, laughing. “I’ll make enough money for both of us.” He looked over at her and smiled; glad that she was willing to live with him in spite of his poverty-stricken student status. “Speaking of, I start work Monday, remember. Party time will be over for me.”
He frowned. “We just finished finals two days ago,” he complained.
“Well, that’s the way it is. I highly doubt my dad is going to agree to pay any more tuition for me. I knew I was going to have to toe the line this semester, and they say I can start work right away.” She’d gotten a job at a local café that served Americanized Mexican food and local beer. Supposedly, the tips were phenomenal. She hoped so. “I’m going to have to apply for student aid as soon as I can. I wish I would have gone to school out of state, away from my family.”
“We wouldn’t have met each other if you’d gone someplace else,” Zach said, and he smiled at her, picking up her hand again. “I think you are the one, Deb. I want to be with you. What do you think?”
“You’re right, I guess I’m glad I went there, too. And you’re the one for me, too. Wow, what a relief! No more horrible dates!” She laughed, and he joined in. “My dad doesn’t like you, so that’s definitely a plus.”
“Me? I’m harmless. What’d he want for his only daughter? Probably a rich guy,” he said, not waiting for an answer and not offended. “One big plus about all this is that Natalie’s a Jew. My mother can’t complain about you now. We need to call her and tell her right away.” They laughed together. “What’s Ted?”
“Oh my God, Ted is Dutch. Don’t tell anyone that, please! Ashton whispered to me that all the stereotypes fit him perfectly, even the false ones, except he doesn’t wear wooden shoes.” She burst out laughing again. “Poor Ted! I’m feeling loyalty to him already. So I’m Dutch and Jewish. What a combo.”
“The Dutch hid Jews during the war. Many ended up going to concentration camps to die themselves. Google Corrie ten Boom the next time you’re online,�
�� Zach said. “You’re a very nice combination.” As they drove through the tunnel in silence, Deborah thought about how drastically her life had been altered in two days. She needed to find that balance between her adopted family and Ted and Natalie. She loved her brother, Greg, with all her heart and had to maintain a relationship with the Phillipses because of what they had sacrificed for her. She wasn’t unaware of what they’d given up so she could have the best of everything. She remembered Beverly taking white shoe polish to her own sneakers and then going out and buying Deborah new ones that cost ninety dollars. Or John, as much of an ass as he could be, staying up all night putting together a new bike for her so she could participate in a trip her senior class had planned.
“I’d better call home and thank them for coming up today. I know my dad hates driving in the city on the weekends.” She keyed in their number. John answered on the first ring with a grouchy, abrupt hello. “Dad? It’s Deb. Thank you for coming today. It meant a lot to me ’cause I know how much you hate the city.”
“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” he said, shocked that she called, but even more surprised that she called him Dad. “We missed any bad traffic and got home in record time. Mom is standing right here. Do you want to say hi?” Beverly noticed that he didn’t complain about the broken window.
“OK, I guess I could. Thanks again, Dad,” she said.
“You’re welcome again, Deborah. Here’s Mom.” He handed the phone off with his eyebrows up and a grin. Well, if ever a call from my daughter was needed, it may have been at this very moment, he thought. How strange that a small gesture of gratitude would defuse the most volatile anger. As he passed the phone over to his wife, he unconsciously put his free arm around her shoulders and gently squeezed her. They had been married for more than thirty years, and not without its ups and downs. He couldn’t imagine life without her, nor hers without him. That one act of kindness from their adopted daughter would be enough positive ammunition to get them through the summer and fall and to guide John’s hand as he wrote her college tuition check for the next semester.
Family Dynamics: Pam of Babylon Book #5 Page 9
