by Monica Burns
“I wish you would allow me to fetch the doctor,” he said with a hint of frustration.
”No. Thank you just the same, my lord. I’ll be quite all right after I rest.”
“I can see why Abigail took to you so quickly.” With a shake of his head, he smiled at her with open amusement. “You’re as stubborn as she is.”
“Thank you again, my lord, for your kindness.” Turning away from him, she entered the house and closed the door behind her.
Her back pressed into the wooden barrier, she stood there for a long moment. Eyes closed, she tried to stop her head from spinning as the reality of her situation began to sink into her consciousness. First one tear and then another streaked down her cheeks until she was sobbing softly. The sound of footsteps coming toward her from the kitchen sent her racing up the stairs. She had no wish for anyone to see her like this. The last thing she wanted from anyone, including her staff, was pity.
~~~~
Sunshine streamed through the salon window, warming Ivy’s cheeks as she read through a set of documents her barrister had sent her earlier. When she’d returned home yesterday, she’d allowed herself the luxury of tears for only a few hours before she realized she’d been right when she’d told Lord Halstead she needed to leave the country. The sooner she left England the better.
She’d immediately sent word to her attorney that she had decided to travel to Italy the day after Christmas instructing him to make the proper arrangements. Now, as she reviewed the travel plans outlined in the paperwork, a sense of calm settled over her. No matter how much her heart and body ached for Simon, she had to focus on the baby’s welfare from this point forward. Nothing else could take precedence.
Picking up her pen she signed the documents then returned them to the stiff envelope for delivery back to the attorney’s offices. The scent of fresh greenery teased her senses as she pressed her fingers against her forehead. Christmas Eve. The thought made her close her eyes, as she swallowed the sudden onslaught of tears threatening to pour out of her.
Fists clenched with determination, she inhaled a deep breath and concentrated on controlling her emotions. She’d almost succeed in regaining her composure when the front bell rang. She jerked at the loud jangle. Seconds later, she recognized Simon’s deep voice and tension laced every muscle in her body. Why had he come? She didn’t want him here. Intent on locking him out, she sprang to her feet. She’d only take a couple of steps when the door swung open.
The sight of him took her breath away. His smile was brilliant as he closed the distance between them and caught her hands in his. The warmth of his touch raced over her skin until she was on fire. Shaken by the strength of her feelings, Ivy tugged her hands free. The frown furrowing his brow forced her to straighten her shoulders as she silently met his steely gaze.
“Something’s wrong.” Quiet certainty threaded through his words. It was an understatement, and a sharp laugh passed her lips.
“Not at all. I’m simply surprised to see you.” The serenity in her voice sent relief coursing through her body. She simply had to withstand being in his presence for just a short time longer. He’d explain the purpose of his visit and they would part company. Narrowing his eyes, he studied her for a long moment before he shook his head.
“No, that elusive air of yours is back. The one that shuts me out.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she scoffed with a wave of her hand and turned toward her secretaire, but he jerked her to a halt and settled his large hands on her shoulders.
“Look at me,” he snapped. “I’ve been gone less than a week, and you’re acting as if we’ve just met.”
“Has it been that long?”
She heard the slight crack in her voice, but she managed to keep her expression nonchalant as she struggled with the way her body was responding to his presence. Fire raged through her blood at being so close to him, the heat of him burning through her clothing to warm her skin. She wanted it to be the way it had been before he left. Before Caroline.
“Bloody hell,” he hissed as he glared down into her eyes. Then in a movement so quick she couldn’t escape, he captured her mouth in a searing kiss.
The sweet passion of his touch wilted her willpower to refuse him. Clinging to him, she trembled against the solid strength of him. If only for a few short moments of heaven, she was willing to endure the years of hell without him. The moment of pleasure was all too brief as he broke away from her. A flash of what she thought might be relief sprinted across his features as he smiled at her.
“That response, sweetheart, explains everything. You’re angry that I’ve been gone so long. But there was an excellent reason. I went to find you a Christmas present. One I think you’ll like very much.”
Her heart fluttered at his words. Was it possible she’d been wrong? Had she perhaps imagined she’d seen him with Caroline? Confused, she shuddered as he moved quickly toward the salon door and gestured for someone to enter.
First one little girl, then another entered the room. They were lovely children, their eyes bright with excitement. Smiles heightened their sweet features, and as they saw her, they offered her a curtsey. Who on earth were they? The poor dears wore clothes that, although neat and clean, were threadbare and worn. Had Simon suddenly taken to fostering orphans? For that was what they looked like.
A moment later, a third child entered the room. Rocked by the young girl’s appearance, she swayed on her feet as she stared at the child in front of her. Blond curls framed her angelic features, and the green eyes watching her threw her back into a past she preferred to forget. It was as if the Caroline she’d known as a child had stepped into the room. She was beautiful. As beautiful as her mother had been at the same age.
Pain nipped at every nerve in her body, and her stomach churned violently. What had he done? Surely, he hadn’t thought to bring Caroline here. He wouldn’t be that cruel, that heartless. She saw him glance over his shoulder at her and frown slightly. Then the moment she feared the most happened. He had brought her cousin to her house. The moment Caroline entered the room, she hurried across the floor toward her.
“Ivy.”
Horrified, she shuddered at the smile on her cousin’s face. The woman was here to gloat. To rub salt into the open wounds of her heart. To point out that the nobility were far superior to mere commoners. The moment Caroline took her hands and kissed both her cheeks, Ivy jerked away from her and stumbled toward the window. This was by far the most malevolent thing anyone had ever done to her.
One hand braced against the window jamb, she pressed her other hand against her stomach in an effort to stop the nausea roiling in her belly. Eyes closed she could only stand at the window in silence, desperately trying not to completely lose what little composure she still possessed.
“Go away,” she uttered in a hoarse whisper.
“Ivy, please. You never gave me a chance to explain.” Caroline’s soft voice scraped across her skin like a branding iron. Each word seared her cousin’s betrayal deeper into her soul. She didn’t need an explanation that was nothing but lies. Did the woman think she was stupid? Caroline had married Whitby without any misgivings whatsoever.
“I have no need of any explanations, my lady. The past is dead. There’s nothing in it that I care to remember.”
“Don’t say that,” Caroline exclaimed sharply. “We were like sisters. I loved you. I always have. I wanted to explain, but when I came back to Parkland, you were gone. No one would tell me where you were or allow me to find you.”
“You would have found me no more forgiving then than you do now. If you came here expecting to vindicate yourself, you’ve wasted your time.” Ivy glared at her.
“No, I came because Lord Wycombe told me it would give you pleasure to see me again after all these years.”
At Caroline’s response, she quickly turned her head toward Simon. The scowl on his face infuriated her. How dare he act as if she were the one who had committed a sin? Did he expect her reaction
to Caroline’s visit to be a giddy one?
She’d only spoken of her childhood that night in the library after his coaxing, and now he’d betrayed the trust she’d placed in him. He’d said goodbye to her, only to return with a part of her past that was tearing her to shreds. Discovering her innermost secrets, he’d recklessly chosen to bring her face-to-face with demons she had no wish to ever see again.
“I also came because it was my hope that I could make things right again between us, and I wanted you to meet your namesake.”
Caroline’s soft words made her drag her gaze away from Simon’s face as she turned to see her cousin coaxing the youngest girl toward them with a wave of her fingers. Hands on her daughter’s shoulders, Caroline introduced the child. “Ivy, darling, this is your Aunt Ivy.”
With the impulse of a child, the girl stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her waist. The loving gesture sent a cold chill through her as she remembered the similar manner in which she’d greeted her aunt when she’d arrived at Parkland. The pain of her aunt’s rejection was the only thing that prevented her from shoving little Ivy away from her now. Swallowing hard, she gently brushed her hand over the child’s head.
“You’re quite pretty, Ivy.” Her whisper was hoarse as she forced a smile to her lips and looked at the child. Had there been that much trust in her eyes the day she’d arrived at Parkland? The day she experienced her first lesson in rejection and betrayal.
And why would Caroline name her daughter after her? She didn’t know the answer, nor did she care to. With a kind, but firm touch, she urged the child to return to her mother’s side. If Caroline thought to use her children as a means to ingratiate herself back into her good graces, then the woman was sadly mistaken.
“Forgive me, but I would like you to leave now,” she said quietly as she turned away and took two unsteady steps to her desk.
“Is there nothing I can say to you that will make you listen,” Caroline pleaded. “You have one of most loving, giving hearts of anyone I’ve ever known. If you do not have it in your heart to forgive, could you at least not listen to what I have to say?”
“I cannot, Lady Whitby. We both know that noblesse oblige is reserved for peers, not commoners such as me,” she said coldly.
Caroline’s gasp of shock emphasized how cruel the words were, but it was the incoherent oath of disgust Simon uttered that made her wince at her insensitive remark. Even now, despite his breach of trust, his opinion of her mattered. Unable to look at him, she remained still as out of the corner of her eye she saw him ushering Caroline and her daughters out of the room. With the door closed behind them, a wave of nausea rolled over her. Grabbing the back of the desk chair, she fought to remain on her feet.
She wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. But she couldn’t. She had to remember that she was no longer alone. She had to think of her child. Slowly pulling the chair out from her secretaire, Ivy sank down into the hard seat then laid her head and arms on top of the desk. Exhausted, she closed her eyes. The day after tomorrow she’d leave all of this pain behind.
~~~~
Ivy wasn’t sure how long she’d been asleep, but the afternoon light had faded to a soft purple. Rubbing the sore muscles in her back, she rolled her head around her shoulders as she stood up. At the soft click echoing in the salon she jerked her head in the direction of the door. The sight of Simon leaning against the room’s only exit pulled the air out of her lungs. Arms folded across his broad chest he simply stood there watching her. Why was he still here? Hadn’t he tortured her enough by bringing her past back to haunt her so vividly? Raw fury swept through her, and she eyed him with contempt. Despite her glare, Simon simply narrowed his gaze at her.
“I want you to tell me just what the hell happened in here this afternoon.” Despite the calm note in his voice, she heard the suppressed fury beneath the words.
“You were present. What exactly wasn’t clear to you?”
With a violent move, he shoved himself away from the door and crossed the space between them in three strides. Caught off guard, a soft cry broke past her lips as he grabbed her by the arms and gave her a sharp shake.
“Goddamn it, Ivy. That woman is as poor as a church mouse. It took me two weeks to convince her that you would be happy to see her and what do you do? You humiliated her, in front of her children no less.”
“I didn’t ask you to bring her here,” she said viciously as she twisted out of his grasp and put several feet between them. “If anyone’s to be blamed, it's you.”
“Was it so wrong of me to want to please you?”
“What happened in here earlier was far from pleasure, my lord,” she bit out the words with a sharpness that made him wince. “If you’re interested in giving pleasure, might I suggest you consider pleasuring my cousin. I’m certain you’re infinitely suited for one another.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean,” he snarled. “I don’t want your cousin or any other woman for that matter. I want you.”
“Then I’m afraid you’re about to be disappointed, my lord, because our association is finished.”
“Like bloody hell it is,” he said through clenched teeth.
“Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“I want to know why.”
Ivy turned her head away from the stark fury on Simon’s face. He’d betrayed her, and he still couldn’t see it. In his arrogance, just like Caroline, he’d betrayed her trust. Although their liaison hadn’t required her trust, she had given it nonetheless. Breaching that confidence, when she had so little to give, was the most brutal of all betrayals.
Even if she tried to explain it to him, how could she possibly make him understand that they came from two different worlds, that it would always be a barrier between them? Her cousin had claimed background accounted for nothing, but Caroline’s actions had revealed her true feelings. When Caroline had entered the salon a short time ago, the past had rushed up to assault her senses with the sharpness of a kitchen blade. The rejection, the humiliation, the constant reminders that she was inferior to those of the peerage.
No. The chasm between her and Simon was too wide to cross. It was a barrier that would also hinder their child. The thought etched its way through her with a pang. She was capable of forgiving him anything, but this afternoon had proven how far apart the rift between them was. Sorrow enveloped her like an icy blanket. Swallowing hard, she inhaled a sharp breath before looking at him again.
“Sometimes there isn’t a reason.”
~~~~
White mist obliterated the scene before her, and tears slid down Ivy’s cheeks. The ghost had brought her full circle. Relief skimmed through her as she realized she wouldn’t have to relive Simon’s cruel words or the look on Morris’ face as she’d fled the house to come here—to the library. If that’s where she really was. Reality had slipped away from her the moment the specter appeared to her in the book aisles.
“Was the chasm between you and Simon really that wide, or were you simply afraid to take a leap of faith in him and yourself?”
“You know nothing about me,” she said bitterly.
She jerked around to face the ghost and froze. The pounding beat of her heart was all she could hear in the still of the mist. The specter was Simon and yet it wasn’t. It was as if the Simon she’d fallen in love with had aged at least twenty years. Ivy tried to swallow but her throat was closed tight. When she didn’t say anything, a sad smile curved the spirit’s lips.
“I know you almost as well as you know yourself, Ivy.” The words seared their way across her heart. Those were Simon’s words.
“I don’t understand,” she murmured. “Who are you?”
“Who do you think I am?”
“This is insane,” she exclaimed. “You’re not real. This is all a nightmare.”
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple,” the ghost said quietly.
“Oscar Wilde.” She barely
breathed the word. Only Simon had ever tested her with unexpected quotes.
“Yes, Wilde. His words emphasize how easily one can miss a real and pertinent truth. It takes courage to face the truth, sweetheart.”
The endearment held such tenderness that another tear slid down her cheek. Closing her eyes, she willed herself not to cry. It wasn’t Simon. She was dreaming. It was nothing but her heart wishing for something she could never have. Swallowing the misery inside of her, she shook her head.
“The only truth you’ve shown me this night is that the two people I loved the most in the world betrayed me with their actions,” she whispered as her heart shattered in her breast.
“Are you so certain you didn’t betray them by not giving them the chance to convince you how much you were loved?”
“I couldn’t. I didn’t,” she exclaimed in horror.
Ivy shook her head vehemently as the reality of the ghost’s words sank their way into her mind. It was true she’d never allowed Caroline to explain. She’d refused to listen. And Simon. He’d tried to give her a gift of the heart. A present bought with nothing but his time and desire to please her. In seeking to give her family back to her, he’d given her a piece of himself.
“My time with you grows short. Watch.”
The familiar arrogance she was so familiar with echoed in her ear. Like a curtain pulled back to reveal the sun, light spilled into the small area of fog the two of them stood in. The scene in front of her was almost idyllic. On a lawn of green, Simon played with a young boy, while Caroline’s daughters played with a small toddler in the grass. A large house sat graciously on top of a nearby hill. The scene wrenched at her heart. It was a home, just like she’d always imagined in her dreams, a home where love and happiness was in great abundance.
With a laugh, Simon picked up the boy and carried him like a satchel on his hip. Squealing with laughter, the boy kicked his legs, demanding to be put down. A reluctant smile tugged at her lips. Somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind, she’d known Simon would make a good father. No doubt, he would find happiness with Caroline. The thought squeezed her chest until she had trouble breathing. It was then that she saw Simon turned toward her. It was almost as if he could see her in the mist. His smile was welcoming and filled with love.
