The Harder You Fall

by L A Cotton

  I inhaled a shaky breath. Of course, it wasn’t the first time I’d stolen glances of him around school. I always knew when he was nearby. Just because we were no longer together didn’t mean the connection between us was severed. If anything, it burned brighter; snapping taut whenever our paths crossed. But it was easier to resist the pull now. Easier to ignore.

  At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

  In that one simple look, Asher was able to tell me everything I didn’t want to hear.

  He was sorry.

  He loved me.

  He wanted me back.

  But words weren’t enough, not this time.

  I was the one to break our connection, to lower my eyes and focus on the food in front of me. Felicity grumbled beneath her breath, clearly frustrated at my behavior. But this was one thing she couldn’t fix.

  The only person who could was sitting across the cafeteria.

  And even then, I wasn’t sure there was anything left he could do to make me change my mind.

  “This was a great idea,” I said to Felicity as I helped her herd the last couple of puppies into the tub. “I feel better already.”

  “It’s impossible not to love these little guys, even if they get overexcited at bath time.” She scrubbed a spaniel’s ear, sending the tiny ball of fluff into an excited frenzy. “Quick,” she shrieked, “grab a towel.”

  Laughing, I leaned over and helped myself to a freshly folded towel. It was my second time helping Felicity out at A Brand New Tail, the local pet shelter where she volunteered a couple nights a week, but I hadn’t been here since pre-Asher.

  I’d forgotten how good for the soul the little furballs could be.

  “So are we hitting The Alley after we get done?” I asked drying Maximus off while she handled his brother Caesar.

  “Actually,” she peeked over at me, “we’re… hangingatmyhousewiththeguys.”

  “Felicity, seriously?”

  “I’m sorry, but when I told Jason we were hanging out with Hailee, he got all needy and jealous and wanted to come with us, and I thought it would be less awkward if we all hung out at mine.”

  Levelling her with a hard look, I let out a heavy sigh. “That makes zero sense. You know that, right?”

  “I thought you’d be cool with it, since you’re playing hard to get and all.”

  “I’m not playing hard…” I stopped myself. “Fine, it’s fine.” It was just six friends getting together, I could handle it.

  “Asher offered not to come,” she added, casting me a furtive glance.

  “He did?”

  I didn’t know how to feel about that.

  “Yeah, said he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but like I told him, you’re cool with everything.” Her lip curved, a familiar glint in her eye. “You are cool with everything, right?”

  “Who me?” I smiled sweetly.

  “I don’t know how you do it.”

  “Do what?” We finished up drying the puppies before placing them back in their crates.

  “Pretend you’re over him.”

  “I’m not. Over him, I mean.”

  “Well, duh, took you long enough to admit it.” She grinned.

  “Oh hush.” I rolled a towel and whipped her arm with it. “You know what I mean. Just because I’m not falling at his feet, doesn’t mean I don’t care about him.”

  I still cared.

  I cared too damn much and that was half the problem.

  “So why put yourselves through this? I don’t get it.”

  With a half-hearted shrug, I let my eyes wander anywhere but to her. “Because I’m tired of always being cast aside when things get rough. I wasn’t enough for Jermaine and Asher made me feel that all over again.”

  “Oh, Mya, you know it wasn’t like that. He loves you, but he’s a guy and we all know how emotionally stunted they can be.”

  “It’s not good enough,” I said around a sad smile. “I chose him, Flick. I put him first. He asked me to pick Cleveland, and I was going to do it. But I’m done being that girl.”

  Felicity stared at me, but I saw no judgment in her eyes this time. “Okay,” she said quietly. “If that’s what you need to do, then okay, I’m right behind you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Hey, that’s what best friends are for. Now let’s get cleaned up so we can go make your boy suffer.”

  I rolled my eyes, smothering a chuckle. It wasn’t quite what I meant, but I’d take it.

  Because it was better than her trying to play Cupid.

  “You’d better get in here if you want pizza,” Jason yelled the second we stepped into Felicity’s house.

  “He has a key now?” My brow quirked up.

  “I... uh, sometimes he waits for me to get done at the shelter.”

  “And what do you parents think about that?”

  “Usually my mom tries to feed him.”

  “And when they’re not here?”

  She flushed. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

  “Scandalous.”

  Our laughter ushered the Giles’ living room into silence as we entered.

  “About fucking time.” Jason grumbled around a mouthful of pizza. “Get over here.” He patted his lap, pulling Flick onto his the second he could reach her.

  “Hey, Mya, how did you enjoy puppy season at the shelter?” Hailee asked, pushing a half-empty pizza box toward me.

  “It was... just what I needed.” My eyes found Asher across the room. He offered me a small nod in greeting but didn’t say anything.

  “What are we watching?” I forced myself to look away, even if I could still feel his intense gaze on my face.

  “Yeah, Cam, why don’t you tell them what we’re watching,” Jason teased, throwing a handful of popcorn at him.

  “There is nothing wrong with The Kissing Booth.”

  “Did you suddenly grow a pussy overnight?”

  “Jase!” everyone yelled.

  “Oh, lighten up. If Cam wants all of us to get in touch with our feminine sides, I’m down. Just don’t blame me when I raid the place for ice cream and want to braid your hair.”

  “You’re so weird.” Felicity rolled her eyes.

  “Is that so, Giles?” He cocked his brow. “Takes one to know one.” Jason attacked her with his mouth, planting wet, sloppy kisses all over her face.

  “Get off me, you big jerk.” She tried to bat him off, but it was futile. His arms were wrapped tight around her waist, anchoring them together.

  Hailee and Cameron shared a knowing smile, in that way only two people in tune could. And me and Asher, well, we sat there pretending everything was fine.

  “Guys, seriously?” He finally groaned.

  “Sorry,” Jason replied. “We’ll do better.” He moved Flick off his lap and tucked her into his side, before grumbling. “Are we watching the movie or what?”

  I sat there like a statue while I was pretty certain Felicity and Jason spent more time watching each other than the movie; they were barely able keep their hands off one another. Hailee and Cam weren’t much better, and by the time the credits rolled, I jumped up, desperate to escape the overpowering sexual tension.

  I escaped to Felicity’s bathroom. It had been the longest two hours of my life, my body hyper aware of Asher sitting across the room in Mr. Giles’ favorite armchair. After washing my hands, I dried them on a fluffy hand towel. I liked Felicity’s house. It wasn’t small but it wasn’t huge either. I felt at ease here. Comfortable. Unlike Asher’s house where I’d always felt out of place. Like Cinderella swept up into a fairytale.

  Except Cinders had gotten her Prince in the end.

  Clutching the rim of the basin, I took a couple of deep breaths and looked at myself in the mirror. I could do this. I could totally do it. All I had to do was go back out there and pretend like everything was fine.

  “Asher,” I gasped as I opened the door to find him standing there.

  “You took your time
.”

  “I...”

  “I’m joking, Mya.” His lip curved into a tentative smile.

  “Oh, right. Well, I guess I’ll just get out of your way.” I went to move around him, but he filled the space, making no effort to move. Our chests brushed as I tried to wiggle through the tight gap. His smell, the cologne I loved so much, punched me right in the stomach.

  But then, Asher was backing me into the bathroom, giving me no escape.

  “Asher, what are you—”

  “I’ve tried, Mya. I’ve tried so fucking hard to give you space, to figure out how to fix this.” He motioned between us. “So you need to help me out here. You need to tell me what I have to do to fix it.”

  I edged back as he advanced with slow, sure strides. The air crackled around us, the bonds between us twisting and tightening. “Tell me what to do.” Asher loomed over me, the edge of the counter pressing into my back.

  “Asher...” My hands slammed against his chest as I desperately tried to resist his charms. His smell. The way he looked at me with so much love and yearning. “It’s not that simple.”

  “It is that simple,” he countered. “I love you. I fucking love you, Mya.” Asher’s chest heaved with the weight of his words as he leaned in to touch his head to mine. “I need you, babe. I need you more than I need air. It’s like I can’t breathe when you’re not around.”

  A tremor tore through my reinforced walls, shaking their foundations. He sounded so desperate. I wanted nothing more than to take away all his pain. Even now, I wanted to fix him.

  “Asher, it’s not—”

  “Ssh, don’t say it. If you don’t say it then there’s still hope.” His eyes shuttered as he inhaled a shaky breath, trying to rein in his emotions.

  Oh God. What was I doing?

  The boy I loved more than anything was standing in front of me breaking and I was forcing myself not to put him back together. But if I gave in, if I fixed this, I knew it would only be temporary. Because there was still his father to contend with. The trial. His mom, and Jermaine. Not to mention come the fall we would both be at colleges across state.

  “Asher, look at me.” He opened his eyes and I fell headfirst into a pool of sparkling blue. “I love you, I do. But sometimes love isn’t enough.”

  “It is.” His hands cradled my face, brushing his lips over mine. “It is enough, Mya, and I’m going to prove it to you. I just need you to wait for me. Promise me, you’ll wait for me while I figure out how to fix this.”

  I let out an exasperated breath. “Asher, I’m not—”

  “Promise me.” There was so much pleading in his eyes, so much emotion, I couldn’t deny him.

  But I couldn’t say the words he wanted to hear either.

  So I pressed my lips together and gave him an imperceptible nod, all while my heart was screaming, don’t let me down.

  Asher

  I didn’t go to school Monday. I wasn’t ready to see Mya again. Not until I figured out how the hell to fix everything. So I spent the day at the hospital, sitting with Mom. She was in and out of it for most of the morning, but I kept reminding myself the doctors said it was to be expected.

  “A- Ash,” she stuttered, her voice a low croak as she crooked a shaky finger toward me.

  “Hey, Mom,” I moved to the side of the bed, taking her hand in mine. “It’s good to see you awake, but try not to talk, okay?”

  She gave me a weak smile. Her skin was pale and her eyes sunken into their sockets. She’d definitely seen better days, but she was here. She was lucid and she knew me.

  For now, it was enough.

  “Son,” Dad entered the room behind me, but his eyes immediately went to Mom. “Julia, you’re awake.” Hope filled his voice.

  The man was transformed. From brooding, cold businessman to warm, concerned husband. The way he came around the other side of the bed and affectionately gazed at Mom, brushing fuzzy hair from her face. “I just spoke with your doctor. He’ll be by shortly. Can I get you anything?”

  She gave a little shake of her head, squeezing my hand. “I- I have... all... need.” Her speech was slowly returning, which the doctors had told us was a good sign, but it was going to take time. Lots and lots of time. With rehabilitation and therapy, they expected significant improvement, but given the nature of her injury and damage to her brain from the cardiac arrest, they couldn’t say whether she would make a full recovery.

  “My-ya… o- okay?”

  I froze, my eyes wide as I tried to figure out if I’d heard right.

  “Darling, I don’t think now is the time to—”

  “Ssh.” Her eyes slid from his to mine, tears collecting in the corner. “I sorry, A- Ash. S-so sorry.”

  “Ssh, Mom, it’s okay.” I leaned over to press a kiss to her head, guilt snaking through me as I fought my own tears. It was the first time she’d been lucid enough to try and engage in a conversation and of course, this was what she wanted to talk about.

  “You don’t need to apologize for anything,” I said, giving her a warm smile.

  “N- not your fault,” she rasped, each word taking her at least twice the regular amount of time to get out. “N- not her fault.”

  The room felt like it was closing in around me. I stood up and said, “I’m going to get some air, okay? I’ll be right back.”

  “A- Ash… didn’t m- mean upset...”

  “I’m okay, Mom. I’ll be okay.” I gently pressed my head to hers, relief slamming into me.

  She was here, and she was okay.

  That’s what I needed to cling to.

  I slipped out of the room and sat in one of the chairs lining the corridor. Tipping my head back, I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep, steady breath. It had been almost a week since she’d woken up. A week of trying to accept my new reality. Of me and Mya tiptoeing around each other. Of trying to wrack my brain for a way to fix everything.

  Mya was right. I needed to fight for her. I needed to show her that I chose her, regardless of the consequences. But it was fucking hard when I was so preoccupied with Mom. Even when I’d gone into school, my mind had been elsewhere.

  Then we’d all been at Felicity’s and I’d caved. Cornering Mya in the bathroom had been a jerk move, but I just needed to talk to her, to touch her, to feel something—anything—from her. A small sign we could find our way back to each other.

  “Can I sit?” Dad’s deep voice pulled me from my thoughts, but he didn’t wait for my reply as he dropped down beside me. “She’s asleep. One minute I was talking, the next...”

  “The doctors said that’s to be expected in the early days.”

  “I know… I know… it’s just… Jesus, it’s hard,” he breathed. “I’ve never been more terrified than I was holding your mother, covered in blood—”

  “Don’t, Dad, please don’t.” I remembered every second of that night. The blood was imprinted on my soul.

  Would be for a very long time.

  “I swear my whole life flashed before my eyes,” he went on, and I realized it was the first time he’d wanted to talk, really talk, about what had happened.

  I guess I just didn’t expect he’d want to talk to me about it.

  “All the mistakes, the way I’ve treated you both.”

  “If this is the part where you apologize and we become a shiny happy family, you’re about ten years too late,” I said with a resigned sigh. I couldn’t even find it in me to be angry anymore. I was too exhausted. Like I’d finally woken up from a month-long bad dream.

  In some ways, I guess I had.

  “You think I don’t know that? The damage is done; between us at least,” he trailed off, silence stretching out before us. “I can’t change the past, Son. But I can change the future. I can try to change who I am.”

  I gave him a sideways glance, raising a brow. “Actions speak louder than words.”

  “I know they do.” He let out a shaky breath, as if he was purging his need to control everything. Transforming right in
front of my eyes. “I’m going to make this right, Asher. Your mother has always been there, right by my side; the dutiful, loving wife. When I think of how I’ve treated her… treated you both…”

  “Dad,” I warned, grinding my teeth together.

  I didn’t want to do this. Not now.

  Not ever.

  Did I want him to be there for Mom and make things right? One-hundred percent. But I didn’t want to listen to his bullshit excuses about why he’d been such a cold-hearted bastard most of my life.

  “I’m sorry. I just…” He exhaled. “They say it takes losing everything to realize what you had, and, well, almost losing your mother, it was like something shifted inside me, Asher. Something fundamental.”

  Didn’t I know it?

  I’d lost Mya, let her slip through my fingers.

  And now when I needed to fight for her, I wasn’t sure how to do it.

  Actions speak louder than words. The thought hit me like a wrecking ball and I blurted out, “Will you be okay sitting with Mom for a while? There’s something I have to go take care of.”

  His eyes narrowed a fraction, but not in their usual cold, assessing way. “Do I even need to ask where you’re going?”

  “You can ask, but you won’t like the answer.” Standing up, I loomed over him. “You said almost losing Mom shifted something inside you. Well, it changed me too, Dad. And do you know what? Life is too short. It’s too fucking short to worry about what people think or what they might say if you go against the grain.

  “I love Mya. I love her so much. And I pushed her away. I pushed her away because I thought it was what I should do; what you and everyone else thought I should do. But screw that. Mya is a good person. So much better than you or me. She’s strong and brave and beautiful on the inside and out, and I’m so lucky to have called her mine.” And such a fucking idiot for ever pushing her away.

  Dad stared up at me, his lips pressed into a thin, disapproving line. This was usually the part where he went off at me about responsibility and reputation and all the other bullshit rules he’d lived his life by. But I realized now, this wasn’t his life.