He’d been a fool. A complete and utter idiot. He’d pushed away the one person in the world who loved him unconditionally. A woman who was flawed in her own ways but who needed him as much as he needed her. Of course he wanted, no, needed to be close to her. And that was okay. It didn’t weaken him; it didn’t diminish him as a man. It made him stronger because he loved her.
He got up and walked over to the window, one hand resting on the glass as he looked toward the dark bump on the distant landscape—the hill on which their home stood. So she’d made some stupid choices—hadn’t he made some equally dumb ones? More importantly, could he forgive her for manipulating him when he’d come out of hospital?
The last vestiges of anger that had filled and driven him these past weeks faded away. Of course he could. They both needed to work on this. And now there was another life to consider, as well. How on earth had he even imagined that he could cut that child from his life? Not be there to see him or her be born and grow and learn and develop. It hurt to even think about it, and instinctively he began to shut down that part of him that felt that pain. But then he stopped. Pain was okay. Feeling was okay.
He closed his eyes and turned away from the window. Was he man enough, strong enough, to do this? To take a leap of faith and let love rule him and his decisions rather than depending on distance and control? He had some big decisions to make, and he had to be certain he was making the right ones. More importantly, he had to be making them for the right reasons.
Eighteen
It was Christmas Eve. Just under a week since Olivia had last seen or heard from Xander. She’d decided to make some effort with the decorations that morning and had gone up to the attic to find them. But the decorations had been forgotten when she’d stumbled across Parker’s things that Xander had left scattered on the attic floor. She’d tucked away the clothes and toys, then picked up the albums. She was about to put them back in the box and seal it up again, but she changed her mind and took them downstairs instead.
Putting them back on the bookcase in the living room felt right. So did putting the framed photos of Parker back where they belonged. She got the toys out of the attic and loaded them into a carton in the room that had been Parker’s. The room that would now become this baby’s. After she’d done all that, she realized that the house felt different. Lighter somehow. Right. All of these things had been missing and, with them, a giant piece of her heart and soul.
She would never stop missing her firstborn, but at least now she could remember him with less of the sorrow that she’d been trying to hide from these past two years. And she could begin to forgive herself for her choices that day, too.
It was time for a new beginning. If only that beginning could be with Xander by her side. She’d lost count of the times she’d checked the answering machine at the house or the display on her cell phone to see if he’d called. It was time to face the awful truth. There would be no future together.
The dissolution order and Xander’s offer of financial maintenance for the baby sat on the kitchen table in front of her. She had a pen clutched in her hand.
“Just sign the damn things and get it over with,” she said out loud. Her hand fluttered to her belly. “We’ll manage, you and me.”
Before she could put pen to paper, the front doorbell rang. With a sigh of exasperation, she dropped the pen to the table and got up to see who it was. She felt a physical shock of awareness when she saw Xander standing there with one arm leaning up on the doorjamb, wearing his old uni sweatshirt and a disreputable pair of Levi’s. Her heart picked up double time as her eyes raked his face, taking in the gleam in his slate-gray eyes and the stubble growing back stubbornly on his chin.
“Are you here about the papers?” she said, rubbing her hands down the legs of her jeans.
“Not exactly,” Xander replied. “I have something for you, for Christmas. For you and the baby, actually.”
Olivia felt confused. “For...?”
“Come and see.”
Xander spun on a sneaker-clad foot and went down the path to the front gate. Beyond him, Olivia could see a family-friendly SUV. Clearly he’d been cleared to drive again, but she knew he’d never be seen dead in something like this. She was the one who’d always had the practical station wagon while he’d had the sporty little two-door foreign import. Maybe he’d borrowed the vehicle from someone else? Maybe his present was bigger than would fit in his car?
“Are you coming?” he called from the gate.
“Sure,” she said, slipping through the doorway and down the stairs to the path. “Is this yours?” she asked, gesturing to the SUV when she got nearer.
“Yeah, I decided it was time to leave the racing cars to the experts and grow up a little. Grow up a lot, actually.”
The back of the SUV was open. Through the tinted glass on the side Olivia could see an animal crate. She came to a halt behind the car and gasped when she saw the beagle puppy inside. Xander opened the crate and lifted the puppy out, depositing it squirming in Olivia’s arms.
“Merry Christmas, Livvy.”
The puppy lifted her head and enthusiastically licked Olivia on the chin, making her laugh out loud.
“But why?”
“Every kid needs a dog, right?” He grabbed a bag filled with puppy toys and food, tugged the blanket from inside the crate, then went to the front of the car and grabbed a pet bed from off the seat. “You mind if I bring these inside for you?”
“Oh, sure,” she said, completely flustered. “Come in—have a coffee. Does it have a name?”
“She, actually. And, no, she doesn’t have a name yet. I thought you’d like to choose one.”
As they walked into the house Olivia saw Xander notice the photos of Parker that had gone back up on the hallway wall.
“You’ve put them back?” he asked, pausing by one of the three of them—their faces alight with happiness and fun.
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “They belong there. I...I should never have hidden them away. It wasn’t right or fair—to him or to us.”
Xander said nothing, but she saw him nod slightly. Tension gripped her shoulders, and she wished she could ask him what he thought, hoping that he’d at least tell her she’d done the right thing, but he remained silent. In the kitchen he spied the papers Olivia had been agonizing over signing.
“You were going to sign them, today?” he asked.
“I still can’t bring myself to do it,” Olivia admitted with a rueful shake of her head. “But I guess, now you’re here. You may as well take them with you.”
His face looked grim. “We need to talk.”
Olivia felt her stomach sink. The puppy squirmed and whined in her arms. “Shall we take her outside first?”
“It’s as good a place to talk as any.”
Xander deposited the puppy’s things on the floor and then he followed Olivia out to the patio where the puppy gamboled about, oblivious to the tension that settled like a solid wall between the two adults, all her attention on sniffing the plants and trees before she squatted happily on the grass.
“She’s gorgeous, Xander. But why did you buy her?” Olivia asked, barely able to take her eyes from the sweet animal and hardly daring to look at the man standing so close by her side.
“I never had any pets growing up. My mother said she always had enough on her plate, no matter how much I begged and pleaded and promised to look after one. I guess I forgot how much I’d always wanted one and reverted to acting like my mother when you brought Bozo home that day.”
Olivia couldn’t help herself; she rested one hand on his forearm and reached up to kiss Xander on the cheek. He turned his head at the last minute, his lips touching hers and sending a flame of need to lick along her veins. Startled, she pulled back.
“Thank you—I love her already. S
he’s beautiful.”
“No, you’re the one who’s beautiful. Inside and out. I just never really appreciated how beautiful before. Livvy, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve come to understand that I only allowed myself to see the outside, the surface. I convinced myself that was enough, that we could make a life together based on the physical attraction and chemistry between us. As long as it was just the two of us, I didn’t have to delve any deeper into how I felt. I knew I loved you—but I don’t think I ever really understood how much, and I hadn’t really counted on sharing you with anyone else, whether it be dog or child.”
He lifted a hand, gently tucked back her hair and cupped her face.
“Livvy, I’m sorry. I was a fool. I don’t think I ever really knew what love was, or what lengths it could lead a person to, until I met you. I didn’t deserve you, or Parker, or any of what we shared. If I’d been a better husband, a better father, maybe none of what happened that day would have occurred.”
Olivia bit back a sob. There was so much pain and regret in his words, and she knew that he had little to apologize for.
“Xander, no. You were a great dad, and Parker loved you so very much. Don’t sell yourself short. You weren’t the one to make important life decisions without including me. You weren’t the one to cast blame without seeing where blame truly lay. Those faults were all mine.”
Xander shook his head. “I was his father. I should have been able to keep him safe. It was my duty to him and to you, and I failed.”
Her heart wrenched when she saw the tears that shimmered in his eyes. “The only person to blame that day was the guy driving the car that hit Parker and Bozo. If he’d been paying attention instead of texting, if he’d been driving to the speed limit instead of racing along a suburban road—then he’d have seen them run into the street and been able to stop in time. But we can’t keep plaguing ourselves with ‘what if,’ and we can’t keep blaming ourselves or one another for what happened. It happened. We can’t turn back time, as much as we wish we could.
“I would have done everything differently that day too, if I could have, but nothing I do now will change that. And it’s the same for you. Surely you see that? Xander, you have to see that and accept it to move past it.”
Xander swallowed and turned away to watch the dog as she continued to explore the garden. “It doesn’t make it any easier, though, does it?”
“And it’s no easier handling it alone, either.”
“No, you’re right there. I watched my mother handle everything on her own while I grew up. She became so adept at it, so automatic about it all, that she wouldn’t even accept help from me once I was able to give it. She told you that my father suffered a complete breakdown after my brother died, didn’t she?”
Olivia moved to stand beside Xander, slipping her hand inside his. “Yes, she did. Until then I never understood how tough it must have been for either you growing up or for your mother—or even your dad, for that matter.”
“I didn’t really know any different at home. Sure, I knew what other families had and I knew our household was odd by comparison and that I couldn’t bring friends home, but it wasn’t until Parker died that I fully understood what my father must have gone through. I didn’t want to fall down into that dark hole. In fact, I did everything I could to prevent that from happening. I never let out any of it—not my fears, my sorrow.” He shook his head. “I tried so hard not to be like him. He couldn’t even function without my mother there he depended on her so much. She had to go to work each day because if she didn’t, we’d have nothing to eat, no roof over our heads. But from the second she left the house each morning to go to work, he’d weep. I’d let myself out the door to go to school, with the sound of his sobbing echoing in my ears. Some days, he’d find the strength to pull himself together, but as I got older, more and more often when I got home, he would still be crying.
“You know, when he died, I felt relief rather than sadness or loss because for the first time in years I knew he finally had peace. He couldn’t forgive himself for my brother’s death, couldn’t talk about it, nothing. Most days he could barely get out of bed. He needed my mother for everything. I couldn’t let myself be like him—not even the slightest bit.”
Olivia squeezed his hand, hard. “Your whole family should have had more help.”
Xander nodded. “Mum is not the kind of person who accepts help. She soldiers on. Does what needs doing and keeps looking forward. She was strong and capable and solid as a rock through all of it, and I really thought that was something to aspire to. In fact, I saw a lot of that in you, too. I don’t think I ever saw her shed a tear or admit she couldn’t handle anything.
“After Parker died, you coped with everything that had to happen afterward with the funeral—even giving our victim impact statement at the sentencing for the driver who killed him. Your composure scared me. Made me look at myself and question why I couldn’t do those things. Was I my father’s son?”
Olivia hastened to reassure him. “No, you weren’t. You were grieving, too. Everyone copes in their own way, Xander. You couldn’t be anyone other than yourself or feel anything other than what you were feeling at the time. Me, I pushed all my feelings aside, the way I learned how to do when I was a kid. Life goes on and all that,” she said bitterly. “It got to the point where everyone in my family turned to me when it came to making choices about their life, even my dad. It became second nature to me, and it made me who I am.
“I never thought twice about involving you in the big decisions I made because I was just so used to following my own plan. And when I met you and we fell in love and got married, I thought I’d be able to craft the plan for both of us—for our life together. It’s no wonder we fell apart through the very happening that should have driven us closer together.”
Xander sighed. “It wasn’t all your fault. Through our marriage I let you take control of everything because it was so much easier that way. It left me free to do what I saw as my role, the role my father never had in my memory. I needed to compensate for all the things he didn’t do, but it wasn’t without its own cost, was it? Do you think we can make it work? Give ourselves another chance at this thing called love?” he asked, still staring out at the garden.
“Yes, I know we can. Not because I want to or because you want to, but because we owe it to ourselves, and to Parker’s memory and to the life of this new child we created, to do so—to be happy.” She reached up to stroke his face and smiled when he turned into the touch and planted a kiss on her fingers. “I’ve never stopped loving you, Xander. I never will. I just needed to learn that to make a marriage work it needed to be a joint proposition—from start to finish—and I’m totally not ready for us to be finished yet.”
Xander nodded. “Nor am I. I guess neither of us had the ideal example growing up, did we? And yet, somehow we managed to find one another—love one another.” He looped his arms around her waist and stared deep into her eyes. “Will you help me, Livvy? Will you help me to grieve for our son properly? Will you let me help you, too? Will you let me love you for the rest of your life and raise this new baby, and maybe even others, with you?”
“Oh, Xander, I would love nothing else. I love you so much. I don’t want a life without you. I want to be there for you, always. I want us to be the family we both deserve.”
“As do I with you. Together, I promise. We’re going to do this together, and we’ll get it right this time, in good times and in bad.”
He bent his head to hers and sealed his vow with the tender caress of his lips against hers. His touch had never felt more right or more special. Olivia knew, as her heart rate increased and as warmth began to unfurl through her body, that her heart beat for this man with a passion and a love that was equally reciprocated and that, together, they could do anything.
Xander looked across the lawn at the puppy who was no
w sitting down, staring at them both. “So, what are you going to name her?”
Olivia looked up at her husband, the man of her heart and the key to her happiness. “I think the question should be, what are we going to call her, don’t you?”
As Xander’s laughter filled the air around them and he squeezed her tight, Olivia knew without a doubt that this time they’d make it. This time was forever.
* * * * *
If you loved this novel, pick up THE MASTER VINTNERS series from
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THE WAYWARD SON
A FORBIDDEN AFFAIR
ONE SECRET NIGHT
THE HIGH PRICE OF SECRETS
WANTING WHAT SHE CAN’T HAVE
THE WEDDING BARGAIN
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The Wife He Couldn't Forget Page 16
