“Thank you so much for coming, Gen. I don’t know what I’d have done without you.”
“No thanks are needed. I’m always here if you need me. You know that, right? No matter what happens.”
Victoria swallowed and nodded. “I do.”
“I’ll write as soon as I’ve checked in on Amelia’s latest round of mischief. It sounds like this scrape is one for the history books.”
“I look forward to hearing all the scandalous details.”
“Take care of yourself, darling.” Gen turned to Andrew, still standing at the top of the stairs. “Thank you for having me, Your Grace.”
He moved down the stairs as soon as he sensed she’d said her personal goodbyes and grasped one of Genevieve’s hands in both of his. “No thanks, please. I’m the one in your debt. Thank you for coming to care for Victoria when I couldn’t. And remember, it’s Andrew now.”
Genevieve smiled. “Very well, Andrew. I hope to see you soon.”
He gave her a meaningful look. “I hope so, too.”
Andrew handed her up into her carriage and rejoined Victoria, watching from the top of the steps as it departed down the drive. Tentatively, he reached for her hand. “Do you feel well enough for a bit of a walk this morning?”
This was it—the conversation that had been hovering over their heads for days. There would be no avoiding it now, and she was still no closer to knowing what to do. Her reason had deserted her, leaving no clear path to follow.
“I feel fine. I’d enjoy a walk. I’ve been inside too long.”
“Would the lake be all right? It’s not too far and I know how much you like it there.”
“That would be lovely.”
They walked in companionable silence out across the lawn toward the lake. The air was still warm and sweet-smelling, despite the advance of fall. A breeze ruffled the hanging branches of the willow tree and sent ripples across the surface of the water.
“It’s so beautiful here.” She reached out to run her fingers along a branch of soft, silver-gray leaves. In the distance, Briarwood Manor glowed magisterially in the sunshine.
“I think so, too.”
“It’s come such a long way since I first saw it.”
“Thanks to you.”
They walked along the shore of the lake in silence for another few minutes, then he took a deep breath. Her own breathing hitched, as if he’d taken away all the air.
“Victoria, I don’t want to upset you if it’s not something you want to dwell on, but I’m so sorry about the baby. I know how much you wanted it.”
It wasn’t what she expected. He’d bypassed the glaring elephant in the room, her request for a divorce, and addressed that other loss, the one she’d hardly begun to come to terms with. Thinking of her lost child made her eyes fill with tears. She swept them away and let out a shaky breath.
“I wasn’t even sure of it. There wasn’t a chance to properly imagine it before it was gone. It feels silly to miss something I didn’t know I had.”
He squeezed her hand. “You told me how important children were to you. Of course you’re sad.”
“It was your baby, too. I’m sorry. You lost it, too.”
He stopped moving and looked at the ground, as if he hadn’t let himself feel the loss either. “I suppose I did. I never thought I wanted children, but now that I’ve lost one...”
She couldn’t speak for the tightness in her throat, for the bubble of sorrow welling up in her chest. He swung her around to face him, rubbing his hands up and down her arms.
“Don’t cry, darling. Please, don’t cry.”
“I’ll be all right. It’s not just the baby.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled. “I know it’s not. Victoria, I have so much to say to you, so many apologies to make, I hardly know where to start.”
“You don’t need to explain.”
“Yes, I do. You’ve heard things about me that might not be what you think. Please let me set it right?”
Forcing her chin up, she steadfastly met his eyes, even though she was as fragile as a dandelion. One wrong word from him would blow her to pieces. But there was no moving forward until she knew the truth, every unpleasant part of it.
“Before I met you, before our fathers ever met, I was living in Italy with someone. A woman. She...” He paused and looked away across the sun-splashed fields. “I thought I was happy there.”
“Andrew—”
“No. Please. Let me get it all out. At first, she helped us with the dig. Eventually we developed a personal relationship, as well. Yes, she was my mistress, but she was also my friend. That’s likely why it lasted as long as it did.”
“I see.” Hearing about this woman directly from him was different from knowing about her in theory. It was infinitely worse. As an imagined mistress, she had been a glamorous seductress. As Andrew described her, she was a steadfast helpmeet, a partner and much harder to discount. How on earth would she be able to listen to the rest of this?
Andrew’s eyes flashed back to her and went wide. “No. You’re not understanding me fully. Yes, she came before you. And after we married, I stayed with her because honestly, I didn’t see why I shouldn’t at first. We didn’t know each other. Then the night before our marriage, I’d found out how your parents had brought it about and I was angry. Oh God, Victoria, I thought you knew and that you’d been a party to it.”
She pulled back in shock. “Andrew, I swear I never—”
“I know. Once I came to know you this summer, I knew you were incapable of such a thing. But I was angry—at my father, your father, my dead brother, fate. And I didn’t see why, under the circumstances, I should change anything about my life.”
He shouldn’t, of course. He was making a very solid case for going their separate ways. “Nor should you. I understand now why you were always running back to Italy.”
He took her hands in his, pulling them up to his chest and crouching a bit so he could look directly into her eyes.
“No. Here’s what you must understand, Victoria. I ran away to Italy to cut ties with my family. While I lived there, I was independent. My life was my own. I was bitterly resentful that my father managed to drag me back here and force me to marry.”
“I know. And I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not. Not anymore. Because from the moment I met you, the happy life I thought I’d built for myself in Italy began to fall apart, including my relationship with her. And by the time I came back to England this summer, it was completely over. I told you I came back to see my sisters, but that wasn’t all of it. I came back for you. You’d gotten under my skin, despite my hard-hearted belligerence, and I had to know if we had any chance for a future.” He raised a hand to her cheek, cupping it in his palm and running his thumb across her cheekbone. “Please believe me. I’ve been an utter bastard to you in the past, but now I’m telling you the truth.”
“I believe you. It’s only that everything seemed so different between us, and then they said you’d been living with this woman as if she were your wife.”
“Everything was different. She was a thing of the past and everything between us this summer was real. When I went back to Italy, I worked like a madman so I could get back here to you. Please believe me, you were the only one.”
“I believe you. I do.”
His expression cleared, but only slightly. “Can we discuss what you brought up in the library? Do you remember what you said?”
“I remember. I told you I wanted a divorce.”
Pain flashed across his face and he gripped her hand tighter. “Victoria, please. A lie may have brought us together, but separating won’t right it.”
She looked down at her feet because she couldn’t look into his desperate, pleading eyes and keep her wits. “It’s
more than that now.”
“Tell me. You can say anything to me.”
“All my life I’ve been raised to do my duty. I may not have known exactly what my parents did to bring about our marriage, but I still did what was expected of me.”
“I know. You’ve worked so hard for a life you didn’t even choose for yourself.”
“But that’s just it. Making the best out of what I’ve been given simply isn’t enough for me anymore. I want a chance at happiness. Real happiness.”
Andrew was silent. He swallowed and slowly released her hands. “And you’re saying you can’t be happy with me?”
She fell back a step. It was only a matter of inches, but it felt like miles stretching between them. Would the distance soon be too great? Would whatever fragile thread still holding them together snap? She looked across the rolling lawn to the warm gold stone of the house. Her home. This place felt so much hers, but she wouldn’t hang on to it at the expense of her heart.
“I’m saying I want my fairy tale. Or at least the possibility of it. This summer, you made me feel things I didn’t know I could feel. I caught a glimpse of what it could be like—a happy home and a family.”
“We can have that—”
“It’s not enough,” she said. She reached out to touch his cheek, her fingertips trailing along his jaw before she pulled away again. “You’re a good man, Andrew. I discovered it when you worked so hard to win me over this summer, even after all the ways you’d been wronged.”
“Victoria.”
“I know I could have it back. But you see, I want more. I know you would be good to me. I know you would dedicate yourself to it completely. I know we’d fumble along and create a certain kind of happiness for ourselves, and a family for your sisters. But I’d never have it all. I’d have a good man doing his best to do the right thing. I want someone to give their heart to me—their whole heart, not just their good intentions. Maybe it’s impossible. Maybe I’ll never find it. But I owe it to myself to try.”
When she could bring herself to look at him again, he wasn’t angry, or even upset. He was smiling, that infernal smirk that always left her weak in the knees.
“Is that all?” he asked, taking a step toward her. “What?” What had she said? She could barely remember when he was looking at her that way.
“Is that all you want? To know you are loved?”
“Well,” she stammered, falling back a step. But he advanced on her again. “Yes, but—”
He surged forward, one arm banding around her waist, hauling her against his chest, while his other hand tangled in her hair and tilted her face up to his.
“Then know this. I love you. I love you desperately and with everything that makes me who I am. I’ve been in love with you for far longer than I realized. I thought you’d made Briarwood into a happy home, but I was wrong. It wasn’t Briarwood, it was you. The happiness was you. Every time I left you behind, I left a little more of myself with you until finally, I’d left you with my whole heart. I love you, Victoria. So much, I’m half mad with it.”
“I...” Words failed her.
“Believe me when I tell you this.” He kissed her cheek and the corner of her mouth. “I love you.” He brushed his lips across hers, like a breath. “I love you.” He kissed her again, a soft, brief press. “I love you.” He covered her lips with his.
For all his urgency when he’d seized her, his kiss was so very gentle, as was his touch. His thumb swept across the curve of her cheek, and his fingertips stroked through the silky hair at the nape of her neck. His hand slid from her waist, up her back to cradle her between her shoulder blades, holding her against him. Small kisses landed on the corners of her mouth, the divot of her upper lip, the plump swell of her lower lip, until he drew it gently between his, pulling a breathy sigh from her in response. He accepted the invitation of her open mouth, sweeping in with his tongue, finding hers, stroking until the sensation made her light-headed.
She clung to his shoulders, her fingers digging into the fabric of his coat, her eyes screwed tight as the words he’d spoken washed over her, swallowed her whole, lifted her up.
He cradled her face in his hands, pressing his forehead to hers. “I love you. When I thought I might lose you, I didn’t know how I would face my life without you. Please tell me I’m not too late. Tell me there’s a chance you could love me too, someday.”
She shook her head, the burgeoning tears breaking free and streaking down her cheeks. He looked crestfallen until she spoke. “There is no someday. I love you now. I have for ages. I’m sure I always will.”
He smiled then, and when the smile wasn’t enough, he laughed, a combination of relief and delight. Victoria laughed too, feeling her heart take flight as the weight of a thousand years dropped away from her.
“Can we have no more talk of separations or divorces?” he said.
She shook her head. “It wasn’t what I wanted. Only what I thought was right.”
“The right thing is you by my side for the rest of my days. The right thing is you and I making a happy life together, despite our terrible beginning and the examples set for us by our families.”
“I’m not sure I know how to do it, Andrew,” she confessed, finally sharing the fear she’d barely acknowledged to herself. “I scarcely know how to imagine happiness, never mind create it. I’ve spent years convincing myself I’d never know it.”
“You already have created it, Victoria. You’ve made every person on this estate happy. You’ve done it for my sisters, and you’ve done it for me. And I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to do it for you.”
The sun warmed her face, his hands warmed her skin and his words warmed her heart. Her smile grew so wide her cheeks hurt. It seemed impossible her body was big enough to contain this much emotion. It spilled out everywhere, happy tears from her eyes, breathless laughter from her lips. Her hands couldn’t seem to stop touching him, as if he might vanish and take this joy with him if she did. She traced his cheekbones and the strong edge of his jaw, ran her hands over his shoulders and down to his chest, so solid and real and strong. With his arms around her, she was safe, at peace, home. It wasn’t a place, it never had been. It was a person, this person. It was his heart, beating for her, and hers for him. This was home.
“You’ve already made me so happy I don’t know how I can bear it.”
“Then you’ll have to put up with my fumbling attempts to make you even happier in the coming years, because I’ll never stop trying. I’m just as lost as you, Victoria. But together, I think we must be able to find our way.”
“We can, I know it. You deserve so much more than what you received from your parents.”
“As do you. I want you to have all those fairy tales you never thought you were allowed to wish for, Victoria.”
Her overfull heart grew bigger, expanding as her love for him did, too. He was so generous, this man, when no one had ever been so for him.
“I’ve already found it, my happy ending.”
He shook his head. “This isn’t a happy ending. It’s a beginning. We’ll spend our lives building that happy ending. In time, when you’re ready to try again, we’ll make our own family. I want a child with you. Loads of children. As many as you want.”
Tears pricked at her eyes again. What an image it was, she and Andrew, here at Briarwood, building a happy home surrounded by their children. No wonder the husband in her shadowy imaginings had always remained faceless and indistinct. It wasn’t because his identity didn’t matter. It was because her heart had been holding that place for Andrew. He was the one she was meant to spend the rest of her days with. It couldn’t have been anyone but him.
“We’ll make this the happiest home, for the girls, for our own children.”
Laying a hand on his cheek, she stopped him. “But life is about more tha
n home. There’s your work, too, Andrew. I was paying attention to all those notes you wrote me. I know how important it is to you. I won’t let you give up your passion for me.”
He smiled, the same soft, gentle smile she remembered from when she first met him, when she thought she was catching glimpses of a gentle soul buried deep under his icy reserve. Oh, how right she’d been, even if it had taken all this time to unearth it. “You’re my greatest passion of all. But as for my work, I won’t have to give it up for you. Living in Italy was as much about escaping my family as pursuing my work. I can do both. In fact, before you fell ill, I intended to write and ask you to come join me there.”
“In Italy?”
His blue eyes sparked with a contagious excitement. “You’d love it, Victoria. I can’t wait to show it to you. The tomb, all the artifacts we’ve discovered. You won’t believe it.”
“It sounds wonderful.” Being invited at last to share his life was the truly wonderful part.
“And after that, I’ll show you anything else your heart desires, all the things you didn’t get to experience when you were busy drilling the peerage.”
She laughed. “I told you, I like the peerage. I find it interesting.”
“You’ll find Rome interesting, too. And Paris, and Venice, and Florence, and Cairo. Anywhere and everywhere.”
“Stop! You’ll spoil me.”
“Impossible to do. I pledge to spend the rest of my life indulging you as you deserve.”
“That’s quite a vow.”
His smile faded and his expression grew serious as he took her hands in his. “No, this is a vow,” he said, his thumb tracing the simple gold band she’d worn on her left hand since her wedding day. It held no great sentimental meaning to her, just an artifact from that day, when they’d stood next to each other as strangers in a church and uttered a bunch of words by rote. Often, she’d forgotten its existence entirely.
“I said these words to you once before, but they didn’t mean a thing to me that day. Now, listen to me, because I mean every word. This ring is a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you.”
A Duchess in Name Page 28
