“Fuck, baby. You kill me when you do that,” I whisper.
She lifts her head, smirking at me. I slip a hand between our bodies and rub her clit, hard and fast, until she’s shuddering beneath me, her heels digging into my back and kicking the shit out of my kidneys each time I thrust forward. “Coop, stop. I’m going to come.”
“I know.” I smile and lean forward, adjusting our position so that I’m hitting the end of her. I fall into a slow, deep rhythm and tell myself that I’m not falling further, that it doesn’t mean more, but I am. And it does. And it doesn’t matter anymore. Anyone can see I’m in love with her, just like anyone can see it’s more than just sex to Levi. Ali is different. She makes us both better men—and in some ways, worse, because all that should matter is her happiness, but we’re both too selfish to give her up. We’re both in too deep, and there’s not a fucking thing we can do about it.
She writhes beneath me, panting my name and squeezing my cock as she comes. I groan as I lose myself inside her. I lose all perspective and just let my body fall over the edge, the edge of loving her, and the edge that I’ll likely never come back from. Not without a hell of a lot more scars than I have right now.
We walk through the parking lot of a roadhouse somewhere outside of Atlanta. It’s close to three am and the guys had showered after finishing up their last show, and then they’d pre-recorded interviews for a local TV station. I’d sat with Levi, Deb, Zed and Leif, while Coop and Ash had sat alone. He’d been worried about Ash’s behaviour lately, and I knew he wanted a little one on one time with his bass player.
Levi had sat with his arm around me while we’d waited for the food to arrive, then he’d stolen food off my plate as often as he’d stolen kisses.
I love the buzz that surrounds the guys after a good show. Often they want just to crash, but occasionally they bring that energy back to the bus and wind up jamming, drinking or gaming for hours.
Tonight, Levi is practically high off the excitement. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him, kissing my temple as we walk through the lot to the tour buses. I smile up at him. There’s a world of mischief in his eyes as he whispers, “You gonna share my bunk tonight, Red?”
I falter, his question completely catching me off-guard. “Err … that might make it a little cramped, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know. Could be kinda fun trying to figure out a way to fit my cock inside you in a bed the size of a coffin.”
I laugh. “I am really not that flexible.”
When we reach the bus doors, Levi indicates that I should go first. Of course I think he’s just being a gentleman, so I take him up on the offer, and then his hand comes down hard on my arse and I yelp.
“God I love this arse,” Levi says, pinching at my throbbing cheek through my denim shorts.
“That hurt, fuck face,” I say, slapping his hands away. When I turn, Cooper stands behind Levi. His face is stoic, but his eyes tell a story of bloodlust and rage. My smile falters, and I move inside the bus to find Zed and Deb sitting at the kitchen table while Ash stretches out on the bench seat alongside the luggage compartment.
I stop in the middle of the kitchen and turn on the Keurig, placing the little tea pod in the machine, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. Cooper leans around me, the strong scent of alcohol on his breath. He grabs a bottle of Jack from the cabinet above my head. The guys had a few drinks after the show earlier, but by the looks of things he’s had a few more while he sat with Ash. I glance over my shoulder at him, and he levels cold eyes on me.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Don’t know. You just seem extra ’specially pouty tonight,” I tease, but my smile vanishes when he glares at me.
“I don’t fucking pout.”
“Oh, that’s right, you just throw temper tantrums,” I whisper snidely, feeling less tired now, and a whole lot more pissed off. He narrows his eyes on me. They’re bloodshot, and he looks as tired as I feel. Despite this, Cooper seems to be itching for a fight. I see it in his aggression, the heat reflected in his gaze as he licks his lips, moving closer. I’m in no mood for his alpha bullshit right now. This isn’t the man I fell in love with. I raise my chin defiantly. Our anger becomes a shower of sparks between us, each one landing as delicately as a snowflake and burning as hot as magma.
“Jesus, get a fucking room already,” Deb says, pretending to gag.
I glance over Coop’s shoulder at Levi, who seems really unhappy about our shared moment … whatever that was. Coop unscrews the cap off the bottle of Jack and swigs from it, moving away from me, and slumping back against the booth, an angry scowl on his face. I turn and finish making my tea, and then I take the only available seat, perched on the edge of the booth, beside Levi and across from Cooper.
“Hitting the hard stuff, my friend?” Zed says, pointing to my tea while he pops two Advil in his mouth and chews them like lollies. He sprawls against the booth between Levi and Deb, resting his head on her shoulder, which she promptly pushes off.
“Yeah, you know me, life of the party,” I say, sipping my tea.
“Aww babe, you can be the life of our very own private party,” he says, dragging me into his lap. “I’ll even let you dress up like a cowgirl so you can ride me.”
“As tempting as that sounds, I think I’m going to go to bed.” I climb off his lap and stand, but Levi snags my hand before I can go any further.
“Wait, I’ll come with you.”
“She meant alone, jackarse,” Cooper says.
Levi glowers at him, raising his voice as he says, “You know what? You have been up my arse all week. What the fuck is wrong with you, man?”
“Nothing is wrong with me.”
“Oh, obviously,” Levi says sarcastically.
“I’m going to bed.” Cooper stands and snatches up the liquor bottle from the table, heading for the bunks.
“Sleep it off, brother. I’ll keep Red company tonight so she’s not lonely.”
Cooper stops dead in his tracks, and slowly turns to face us.
“Jesus Christ,” Deb says. “You know, you three idiots are going to have to deal with this shit instead of burying it beneath the covers and pretending like everything is fucking fine. Everything is not fine. Sooner or later, Ali, you’re going to have to make a decision, or one of you is going to have to step down. This machismo bullshit is getting old.”
She was right. We all knew it. We’d known all along that we couldn’t just fuck each other and pretend like it was going to last forever. I close my eyes against the prick of hot tears.
“No one needs to make any decisions. We’re all just fucking peachy,” Coop says, saluting us with his bottle of Jack.
I move in front of him, folding my arms against my chest. “Can I talk to you?”
He gives a humourless laugh. “Yeah, let’s talk.”
I push past him and head for the back room. I hate the idea of bringing this here, to this space where we’ve had so many good memories, but this is not a conversation I’m willing to have in front of the others.
Cooper comes in and shuts the door. He doesn’t lock it though, which I think is a wise decision, because he may need to run before I’m through with him.
I wait for him to go first. I end up waiting a while, because he takes several more deep pulls from his bottle of booze and then flops down on the edge of the bed.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about it, and I think it’s best for everyone if you just fuck him.”
“You’re a nasty drunk, Cooper.”
“It’s true. It’s only fair. How are you ever going to know exactly how you feel if you don’t?”
“I have already fucked him. Several times.”
“Alone.”
Technically I’d already done that too, in Vegas. Before I’d slept with Coop. But it didn’t go over well last time I brought it up, so I say nothing about it. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Jesus, Cooper, take a fucking look around. Where am I right now?”
“Here,” he says, dropping his head in his hands and massaging his temple. “You’re here, yelling at me.”
“Exactly. With you.”
Cooper snaps his head up. “For how long?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“How long are you planning on staying here, Ali?” he sneers. “How long before the temptation of him becomes too much?”
“Okay, stop,” I say. “Can we just for once stop pretending like this is even about me at all?”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’m not fucking her,” I scream, and cover my face with my hands as I tilt my head back in exasperation. “I’m not Holly. She left you for another man. What you, Levi and I have is different. It was never meant to go this far, but it did. None of us were supposed to get hurt, but no matter where we go from here, one of us does. One of us winds up broken-hearted, Coop. Maybe even all of us. And that’s the bed we get to lie in. That’s the bed we made. But I’m not her. Stop confusing me with her, and stop fucking punishing me every time you get drunk for the things she did to you. I know that’s why this whole thing started—you wanted to get back at her.”
“That’s not true. I wanted you from the moment you came stumbling into that conference room.”
“Yes, but a part of you wanted me because it made it that much easier to pretend. You thought about how sweet it would be to have me on my knees before you, sucking your cock until you came, and you could wrap your fingers in my hair and pretend for a moment that I was the one that got away.”
“Stop talking,” he warns me.
“You told me as much in Vegas, when you called me by her fucking name. You broke my heart that night, Coop.”
“I didn’t know what I was saying.”
“That just makes it so much worse. You could have slept with any woman that night, and pretended that it was her, but you wound up with me, someone who looked like her, but didn’t matter—”
He launches himself at me, pushing me back against the wall and hisses, “Don’t ever say that again. Don’t ever think that you don’t matter to me, Ali. You do, but I’m … I’m fucking terrified of letting you in.”
“Why?” I whisper, gripping his wrists. “How could you possibly be afraid of me?”
“You have no fucking idea what you do to me. You have no idea what seeing the two of you together does to me.”
The sad thing is that I do. I know it hurts him, just like I know it hurts Levi when I’m with Coop. Any choice I make here affects both of them, but it’s so much more than that. It impacts their friendship, and the band.
“Why couldn’t it just be about sex with you? Why did you have to fall in love with him, and me? I already lost one girl to another man—I’ll be fucking dead before I do it again.”
“And there you go again, comparing me to her.”
“I wasn’t—”
“Yes, you were. Levi isn’t the one coming between us here, Cooper. Holly is, because you can’t let her go.”
“That’s not true.” He shakes his head. His gorgeous face twists with pain, his gaze begging me to believe him.
“Coop,” I say, removing his hands from my face. I gently push him back a step, so I’m no longer pressed against the wall, so I can think clearly without his touch clouding my judgement. “I think it’s best for all of us if I just go home. I’ll go back to Vanessa and beg for my old job back. If that doesn’t work, I’ll find something else.”
“This is your dream job.”
“No, managing Kings of the Iron Age is my dream job.” I smile sadly at him. “Right now, I’m just a glorified whore because I’m sleeping with two members of the band, and I get paid for it.”
“It’s not like that. You don’t get paid for fucking us.”
“What would you call it then?”
He doesn’t answer. He just stares at the floor, his expression tight.
“I need to go home,” I whisper. “I can’t be the thing that tears the two of you apart. You’ve been friends for a long time. I couldn’t live with myself if this came between you.”
“You think I give a shit about what Levi wants?”
“That’s exactly why we can’t keep doing this. He’s your friend, Coop—he was a brother before I came along. Now he’s the other guy, and I can’t do that. Jesus, people everywhere hate me enough. Can you imagine the public slut shaming directed towards me if I singlehandedly broke up the band? There’s more at stake here than just us.
“We just—I think we need to take a breather. You have the European leg of the tour left, and then you’ll be home, and we can sort out where to go from there. I can’t be on this bus anymore. I wake up every day wondering whose feelings I’m going to hurt today. Knowing I’m just going to fuck it all up.
“It’s killing me. I feel like I’m being torn right down the middle and you’re both pulling me in opposite directions, and I can’t not break apart. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Can’t do what anymore?” Levi says, and I don’t know how I didn’t hear him come in, but he stands behind Cooper, arms folded across his chest and an angry expression I’ve grown accustomed to these last few weeks on his face.
“Ali’s leaving,” Cooper says, and I don’t miss the painful edge to his voice.
I take a deep breath. “I think it’s best for us, and best for the future of Taint, if I go home to Australia.”
“Bullshit,” Levi says.
“Hey look, Quinn and I finally agree on something. This is bullshit.”
Levi ignores him, looking only at me with a tight-lipped expression. “So you’re just going to run away?”
“I’m not running, Levi. I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”
“So what? You think leaving is just gonna make this all better? Everyone just goes back to fucking normal?”
“No. I don’t,” I whisper. “But I think eventually we’ll all be okay if the problem is removed.”
“The problem?” he asks, with his brows raised, his gaze searching my face. “That’s how you see us? As a fucking problem?”
“Levi—”
“No, you know what?” he says, shaking his head. His body tenses. “I’m out. Problem fucking solved.”
“Don’t—”
“Don’t fucking what?” he shouts, as he backs me into the wall, much the way Cooper had just moments ago. His aggression is so much worse, though. “Don’t walk away? Don’t love you? Don’t tell you that my fucking heart has just been torn in two?”
“Back off, Quinn,” Cooper says, as he grabs for Levi’s arm. Levi pulls back his elbow, connecting squarely with Coop’s jaw.
“Stop it!” I shout.
“Ah fuck!” Cooper cups his jaw, shaking out the dizziness, and then grabs Levi’s shoulder, spinning him and throwing a punch. He misses, though, probably on account of being drunk, and winds up smashing into the wall beside me.
“Jesus Christ, Levi, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I say, crouching down and lifting Cooper’s chin up to the light. His eye is swelling, and a drop of blood trickles down his face from a tiny cut near the corner. “You’re bleeding.”
“I’m fine.” Coop pushes my hands away and staggers to his feet. “You good now? You got it out of your system?”
Levi laughs. “No, I’m just getting started.”
“No, you’re not. This is exactly why I’m leaving,” I say, glancing between them. “Look at us—we’re tearing one another apart. Whatever this is, whatever we have here, isn’t worth it.”
“Nice to see you care so much,” Levi says through gritted teeth.
“God damn it, Levi, would you stop already?
” I hiss. “This isn’t going to get any better. We’re just going to continue to hurt one another if I stay.”
“We’re gonna fuckin’ hurt anyway, Red,” Levi shouts, his voice breaking on his nickname for me.
I pull his face down to mine, resting my forehead against his. Tears trail down my cheeks and I glance back at Coop. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s not normal, to feel like this.”
I step out around Levi, tugging my arm free from his grasp when he yanks on it.
“Ali.”
I close the door behind me and lean against it for a moment, and then I retreat to my bunk. In a few more hours we’ll drive through the Charleston city limits. I’ll pack my stuff when they’re in sound check and leave soon after, during the show.
And then I’ll hop a plane back home and put this whole mess to bed, where I shouldn’t have taken the rock stars.
I sit in the kitchenette, sipping a glass of Jack to calm my nerves as I stare at my bag. I’d planned to leave during their show, but it felt all wrong. Everything feels wrong. I know now that I can’t leave without a goodbye; it may be the last time I see either of them, and I can’t have that. They deserve better than that. Looking back, it was foolish of me to believe that no one would become attached. I can’t choose one without hurting the other, without tearing the band apart. I wish this had just been about sex. I wish we’d been able to keep our feelings separate. I wish that the idea of leaving didn’t hurt so bad. I wish for a lot of things.
I wipe away the fresh set of tears that spill over my cheeks, and pour myself another drink to steel my nerves. The familiar whoosh of the bus’s front door opening has my hands clenching into fists in anticipation, but when the sounds of the concert infiltrate the bus, I let out a sigh of relief, knowing that I still have another thirty minutes or so before their show ends.
Revelry (Taint #1) Page 24
