A week passed before they spoke more than ten words to each other, and Angela wondered if he could hear the longing in her voice. The need to see him. Feel his arms around her. For him to tell her that they hadn't made a mistake last week.
God, she hated feeling this way. So uncertain.
Especially when in her heart she knew they were headed for trouble.
And it found her when she was cleaning his bathroom and he appeared in the doorway.
"Hi."
She looked up as she shut the water off, her heart skipping a beat. "Hey, yourself, Doc. You look exhausted." Though his suit jacket was crisp, his trousers and shirt were hopelessly wrinkled.
"You look great." Lucas's gaze moved over her, the cropped white T-shirt and Capri slacks doing wonderful things to his mood. He stepped into the bathroom and drew her into his arms. Instantly the tension and the exhaustion of the past few days slipped away. She was so much of a safe harbor in his life that Lucas wondered what he'd do without her. "Thanks for the meal and fresh clothes," he said.
"You're welcome," Angela whispered, running her hands over the back of his head and closing her eyes. Oh, this feels so wonderful, she thought, and squeezed him tighter.
"I've missed you, Angel," he murmured, then kissed her.
It was instantaneous, like the first time, a hard pull of emotion and desire, and Lucas understood that it would always be like this, and he tightened his arms around her, lifting her off the floor and stepping out of the bathroom. He didn't stop as he set her on her feet, his hands seeking her skin beneath her T-shirt, and a bolt of pure lust shot through him when he realized she wasn't wearing a bra. He filled his palms with her soft, rounded flesh.
Angela gasped against his lips, pushing into his warm touch, loving the hard rush of desire slamming into her body.
"God, I missed you," he said hoarsely. "I missed touching you. You're all I've thought about."
"Liar," she said breathlessly as his thumbs pressed and circled her nipple. "You were working, and nothing breaks through that."
"You do." His mouth trailed lower. "You do," he said, pushing up her shirt and closing his lips tightly around her nipple.
She whispered his name, and he bent her back over his arm, laying harder.
"I want you. Oh, Ange, I need you so badly." His free hand mapped her body from thigh to breast, eliciting soft moans. He backed her up against the nearest wall and ground his body to her, insinuating his knee between hers.
Angela answered the erotic pressure, rocking, her body damp and ready for him. She wanted him right now and knew if they didn't stop, they'd be on the floor naked and rolling in a second.
"Lucas," she said, trying to find the strength to stop. Oh, but it felt so good… "Lucas. We have to stop."
"Says who?"
"Me."
He stilled, his brows drawing down as he straightened. "Why?"
She touched his cheek. "Well, for one, I have to be on the air in two hours and have to go home to shower and change."
"That's two hours. Come to bed with me and shower here." He grasped her hand and pulled her down the hall toward his bedroom.
She dug her heels in when she wanted to leap on him right now. But they had to talk, had to work this problem out. Even though she knew it was hopeless. "My clothes are at home, and I have to finish cleaning this place."
He stopped and faced her. But she was already walking into the living room. He darted forward and caught her hand, spinning her around and scowling. "What's with you?"
She shrugged. "Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's because I slept with my best friend."
He stepped closer, his voice low and rough. "You made love with your best friend."
Her heart skipped to her throat. "Yeah," she said on a smile. "But how are we going to deal with this?"
"This? We are dealing with it. And there is nothing to moan over, Ange. We just look at each other differently." His velvety gaze swept her. "Like when you're naked and panting."
A fresh burst of desire pulsed up the back of her thighs. She ignored it and said what was on her mind. "Lucas, honey. Where is this leading?"
He knew what she was asking, what point she was driving home, and his expression darkened. "I don't want children Ange, you know that. For pity's sake, I just put five back together."
"And this stops you from wanting them, huh?"
"No, it's the fact that I'd be lousy at it. I don't have the skills for it."
"You're cheating yourself, Luc. But I can't be the one to convince you. You have to want it like I do."
He stared at her for a moment, then his features pulled taut. "You aren't still thinking about artificial insemination, are you?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact I'm—"
"No!"
She blinked at his harsh tone. "Lucas—"
"No, Angela. Absolutely not. God, the thought of it chills me. A strange man's baby inside you—"
She'd rather have his baby, but that sure wasn't going to happen. "Dammit, Lucas. That's the only way I will have one! And just because we had sex doesn't give you the right to tell me what to do. And neither would marriage."
Angered, he snapped, "And neither will marriage change my mind about children, either."
She inhaled. Hearing the words hurt even more. Their impasse stung deeply. "I know, and even if you did, Ryder, it still wouldn't change the fact that I make decisions with my body myself!"
He opened his mouth, then slammed it shut. She was right, of course, and he cursed the ugly jealousy and anger running through his blood right now. He didn't want to lose her. God, he couldn't. But he could see their relationship decaying before his eyes. His chest tightened, and he reached for her.
She stepped back. "Do you think I would have suddenly dropped my dreams in the trash because we've made love?"
"Well, no, but I … well…" He raked his fingers through his hair, then burst out, "Hell, yes, if you want to know the truth. Everything is different. We have each other now, Ange."
"And I want babies."
"I'm not enough for you?"
He sounded so wounded, and her expression fell. She rushed to him, gripping his upper arms and forcing him to look her in the eye. "Oh, darlin', that's not it. I … I love you, Lucas." He swallowed visibly, his gaze searching hers. "I always have. Now more than ever." Tears filled her eyes, her heart slowly shattering when he didn't respond, didn't say the words she longed to hear from him. "I want a life with you, but … you would grow to hate me."
"I could never do that."
"Even if we made a future, I would still feel this emptiness, this need to hold my own child. And I would resent you for denying me that. And you would hate me for wanting a… God—" she closed her eyes briefly, her fingers tightening on his arms "—oh, this hurts."
Her voice broke, and when she tried to pull away, he grabbed her.
"But we can't have a future, Luc. We want different lives."
Panic assailed him like a storm. Hard and unforgiving. "Ange, baby, don't talk like this."
"It was a mistake to cross the line, Luc."
"No, it was the best thing to happen to us! Nothing is settled, but my Lord, I feel you slipping away from me."
She lifted her gaze to his, her throat choking off her words. "I can't talk anymore." She pushed out of his arms.
Lucas reached for her, grasping air. "Baby, we need to talk about this more. We do." He followed her as she hurried to the door. "God, don't leave like this."
She looked at him, tears trickling hopelessly down her cheeks. "I don't want to hurt you, Luc. But if the man I love won't give me a baby, then a man I don't know will."
She was out the door before he could call to her.
Lucas fell back against the door, his throat working over and over to keep the knot of agony from strangling him. His chest was stiff and tight, and he realized this time, he knew what real heartache felt like.
And it was killing him.
* * *
Angela sat in the doctor's office, waiting for her physician to return with the final test results. They had to screen her for disease, blood levels and a half dozen other things she wasn't concerned with right now before they did the first procedure. Today. She had enough money and she knew if she waited, Lucas would find a way to talk her out of it. And she would grow to resent him.
She couldn't bear that.
Nor was she hoping that once she was pregnant he would change his mind. It would be false hope. She was too old to be hanging onto that.
He hadn't called since she left his place last week. But then, neither had she. It hurt, their fight, her need for him that went unanswered. She could hardly think of him without feeling as if her chest was caving in. Her mom had noticed and asked if she was ill. Even her sisters questioned her, though she'd confided her plan of artificial insemination only to Sarah weeks ago. Her sister was supportive, but Angela knew she hadn't approved. But what did Sarah know? She was happily married and already had three kids.
Angela felt like the spinster grasping for a life she never got. Suddenly Lucas's face loomed in her mind, and she wondered if she was prepared to lose him over this. Lose her best friend, her love. Seconds ticked by, and she decided that she wouldn't do this procedure, not right now. It was rash, too knee-jerk, especially when her heart was aching so badly. She had to talk with Lucas again, though she didn't know what she would say. She knew she couldn't go another moment without considering the man she loved. Lucas came first.
Grabbing her handbag, she stood and was about to write a note for her doctor when the door opened. Carrying a chart, the physician smiled, then crossed to her desk and propped her rear on the edge.
Angela frowned at the blond-haired woman who looked too young to be a physician anyway, let alone a specialist. "I was just leaving. I've decided to postpone this for a few weeks."
The doctor nodded, then glanced at the chart in her hand. "You might want to postpone this for a little while longer."
The doctor wore an odd smile that made Angela nervous. What did they find? "How long?"
"About eight months."
Angela swallowed, dread washing over her like a mountain of heavy stones. "I beg your pardon?" No, no!
"You're already pregnant, Miss Justice. About three weeks, according to your hormone levels."
Three weeks.
Lucas.
Oh, God.
She dropped into the chair.
Life was just getting too cruel.
She had the baby she wanted, from a man who didn't want to be a father.
* * *
Chapter 9
« ^ »
Angela staggered from the bathroom and carefully crawled onto the bed, praying that was her last bout of morning sickness. Even though it was one in the afternoon. Her child, it seemed, had her timing down according to Angela's crazy nighttime schedule. She got in at five-thirty in the morning, slept till noon then wretched her guts out for the next hour. What a way to start a day, she thought rolling to her back.
She covered her abdomen, closing her eyes and silently asking her child to go back to sleep. It felt as if the instant she'd learned she was pregnant all the symptoms started battering her.
The phone rang, but she let the machine pick it up. She couldn't form a coherent sentence right now, anyway. Then she heard Lucas's voice, and everything in her jumped back to life.
"Angel, call me. I can't stand this. It's been too long. I need you."
I need you.
Not I love you, I can't live without you… She closed her eyes, unable to face him just yet. She was still trying to get used to the idea of finally being pregnant. With Luc's baby. A baby he didn't want.
And she knew what would happen once he knew. He'd push her away as he'd done with every other woman in his life. His commitment phobia was part of this, she thought. Fatherhood would force him. And she didn't want him like that. She wanted … she wanted it all.
No use putting this off, she thought, and sat up sharply. The motion was a mistake. Another wave of nausea hit, and she swallowed, reaching for the glass of water on the nightstand. She drank and put her head down, waiting for the sensation to pass, her mind filled with Lucas.
Always Lucas.
Her heart ached. Her body yearned for him.
She moaned and set the glass aside, cradling her head in her hands.
She had to tell him.
Today.
* * *
Lucas was glad it was the weekend and he wasn't on call. His bedside manner had been lousy all week, and the kids didn't deserve it. He needed to be alone. Except all this aloneness was driving him nuts. Slumped in his couch, he channel surfed, a mug of coffee in his fist. Even cartoons didn't interest him. A first. Finally he shut off the TV and sighed deeper into the couch. He hadn't even wanted to get up this morning. Facing another day without a glimpse of Angela was eating him alive.
He'd listened to her on the radio every night since she'd left him. Just hearing her voice soothed him, and he wondered if she was as unhappy as he was.
The phone rang, and he heard her voice through the machine. Lucas leaped toward the phone, grabbing the receiver. "Angel?" His heart thundered hard in his chest.
"Hey, medicine man. How are you?" On the other end of the line Angela squeezed her eyes shut. Oh, Lord, it was so good to hear his voice again.
Lucas let out a long, satisfied breath. "Lousy. I miss you, Angel."
Her chest clenched. "I miss you, too." She plucked at the hem of her shirt, swallowing thickly.
"Then let me see you. I feel like an addict who's been cut off cold turkey."
The corner of her mouth curved. "Same here." Since he'd been back, this was the longest they'd been apart, and even when he had lived elsewhere, they'd talked a couple of times a week, at least. A part of her was missing when Lucas was away.
"We can work this out, I know we can. Talk to me."
The determination in his voice stung. The only way to work this out was for Lucas to suddenly change his mind about children. "You might not like what I have to say."
"Baby, whatever it is, there's got to be a solution. I can't lose you. I won't."
"Plum's Café, in an hour. Okay?"
He glanced at the clock on the mantel. "I'll be there."
His voice sounded so eager, and Angela tried not to cry. "Okay. Bye."
Lucas hung up, then headed to the bedroom to change out of his sweats. He paused, frowning at the phone. Her voice had sounded cautious, tired.
And a little scared.
* * *
Angela rounded the corner between the historic buildings, walking toward the café. She stopped short when she saw Lucas.
In his arms was another woman.
Her heart dropped to her knees. Anger and jealousy filled the empty spot as he smiled at the small blond woman, saying something she couldn't hear. Angela couldn't move. She watched him touch the woman's cheek, smile at her when Angela was feeling rotten down to her toes.
When her heart was breaking in two and lying on the ground at her feet.
She took a step, not willing to let this go, then decided she didn't want to make a scene for the whole town to see. She turned away.
"Angela!" he called.
She kept walking, her steps quickening toward her car.
Lucas rushed after her, and just as she was about to open the car door, he caught her arm. "Why are you leaving? Didn't you hear me?"
She jammed her key into the lock. "I heard and I saw." She glared at him, her gaze shifting over his shoulder to the woman, then back to him. "I knew you were short on commitment, Lucas, but gee, this has to be a record. Even for you."
"What?" He looked at the blonde, then at her, frowning. "You've got it wrong, honey."
"Do I? I ask you to meet me and I see you with another woman." She pushed open the car door, forcing him to step back.
Lucas grabbed her and pulled her away from the car, suddenly aware of the
attention they were drawing. He walked to his car, opened the passenger side and growled, "Get in."
Angela scowled, then climbed into the low-slung Jaguar.
Lucas got in, turned on the engine, the AC, then gripped the steering wheel. "You're jealous."
"Damn right I am."
"You have no reason to be," he said. "And you're the one who pushed me out."
"I know. I didn't want to."
He shot her a hot look. "Then don't."
"You have a reputation I'm well acquainted with, Luc. I've heard about every one of your conquests. What am I supposed to think when I see you holding another woman?"
He leaned over the console and stared hard into her eyes. "You're supposed to trust me. Like you have for fifteen years." Her expression softened with guilt. "And that was a patient's mother. She was thanking me for saving her son's life."
Angela blinked, her anger melting away. "A patient?"
"Yeah." He shifted closer, his gaze locked on her. "You are the only woman I want to hold, Angel."
Her heart leaped, then fell again as she remembered what she had to tell him. "I'm sorry. It's just that since we've been apart, I can hardly think of anything else and what a mistake we've made."
"No, dammit, we didn't." Then he kissed her. And the days apart vanished into a hot eruption. She leaned into him, and he pulled her over the console and against his chest. His mouth was savage on hers, lips and tongue possessing, seducing, showing how much he'd missed her, needed her. They couldn't get close enough fast enough, and his hand was under her blouse, hers roaming over his slacks. Lucas groaned with frustration as she outlined his erection. Abruptly, he set her into the seat and pulled into traffic, the sleek sports car taking the corners like a snake. He shifted gears, his gaze on the road ahead as he slipped his hand under the hem of her skirt, nudging her thighs apart.
"Lucas!"
"Open for me, baby, I need to touch you." She did, her willpower vanishing, and his fingertips slipped under the fabric of her panties and into the folds of damp flesh. Her breath caught, and she pushed into his touch. He played with an intention she couldn't mistake.
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