I touch his hand on the steering wheel. “Thanks for a beautiful evening. I’ll cherish it and never forget it. You’re doing great things at that shelter.”
“That sounds like a good-bye, not an ‘I’ll call you.’” His jaw ticks while he stares at my building.
“I’m so sorry, Sam.”
I get out of the car and don’t look back. There’s nothing more to say right now. I’m not sure if I’ll ever see him again. I probably just messed everything up with him. There’s a chance that he’ll lose interest in me now, but it’s a chance I need to take.
Chapter 10
I’m on a week-long break from the last of my classes and meetings before I start really focusing on writing my thesis. Sitting on the couch, I watch Aaron push his play shopping cart around the room while I look over my calendar. I’m so glad I took this week off from work too. The time away from campus and work together will be a nice break and will give me time to process recent events and plan the rest of this school year.
Trying to decide where to start on my long to-do list, I notice the most commonly listed and most often neglected item—exercise. So I decide to take a walk. I unfold the stroller and strap Aaron in as he squeals and bounces in excitement.
As I walk faster and take longer strides on the sidewalk, all I can think about is Sam, even though I’m trying hard not to. I’m struggling with what happened the other night, because I let myself get distracted and could have lost sight of what’s important. The problem is that I really love being with him. The way he touches me is magical, but I think he likes to spend time with me, too. I feel my face burning when I think about the things I want to do with him, but the timing just isn’t right. How could I have sex with him in a bathroom? So irresponsible. I should know better. So it’s good that I sent him away before I could jeopardize all that I’ve worked for. Geez, Eve. Indecisive much?
The ringtone on my phone pulls me from my train of thought, and I glance at the screen that says, “Unknown Caller.” That would normally deter me from answering, but I do so anyway.
“Hello?”
“Eve? Is that you?”
“Yes, this is Eve. To whom am I speaking?” I ask in a voice usually reserved for work.
“Ah, it’s so good to hear your voice! It’s Renee, Matthew’s mom.”
I freeze. I cannot think of one single thing to say.
“I know that things have been difficult for you and my son hasn’t made it any easier,” she says with a sympathetic tone. “I’ve just been thinking about you. How are you?”
I manage to find my voice. “I’m doing well, Renee. How are you? How did you get my number?”
“Oh, it’s just so good to hear your voice. I’m fine. We’re fine.” She’s silent for a moment. “Um, well, we got it from Google, ya know.”
Oh, great. I thought my number was unlisted.
“Anyway, I just hate the way things ended between you and Matthew. Between all of us.”
“I know, me too. I appreciate that.”
Silence follows, and I feel buried emotions bubbling up into my mind. My past is screaming through my head. I feel the weight of it all coming back, in my chest and my stomach, and I feel tears form. I shoved all of this, and them, away into some alternate universe for a year, but now here it is again. I feel slightly nauseated, but Renee sounds so sincere. It is nice to hear her voice. I lost contact with her when Matthew started acting like a lunatic and I had to leave town.
“So how’s… Aaron? He’s what? Fourteen months now? I bet he’s getting so big!”
I smile and watch him playing with a plastic apple.
“Ap-oh,” he coos. “Ap-oh.”
“He’s amazing. You wouldn’t believe it. He’s so beautiful. And smart too.”
Her breath hitches. “Oh, I’m so happy to hear that. I bet he’s a little angel.”
We’re silent as I try to maintain my composure, and I suspect she’s doing the same.
After some sniffles and sighs on both ends of the line, I can hear her smile as she says, “Matthew was a little angel too, and I’ve seen your baby pictures. There’s no doubt in my mind Aaron’s a handsome boy.”
“Aww, thanks. It’s a fun age, you know? He’s so full of life, and he’s always happy. No matter what.”
“Of course, of course. Do you—do you think we could see him?” She sniffles. “His grandpa and I could come out there and visit, but it can’t be until Christmas. Any chance you’re coming here soon to visit your parents?”
“No, I’m not.” I fiddle with the stroller cover, debating my answer. After a sigh, I nod. “Yeah, I suppose you do need a visit with him, don’t you? He could use some Grandma and Grandpa time, but I don’t know if I’m ready to face Matthew yet, you know? I’ll try to plan a time soon, okay? Sorry, but he was so mean the last time I saw him.”
“I know, but we can work it out. We’ll buy your ticket. We can—”
“Yeah, maybe at Christmas, okay? Thanks for calling, Renee. Really. So good to hear from you. Thanks, buh-bye.” I end the call and lean down to kiss my son on the top of his fuzzy head. “This is for the best,” I say to him, even though I’m starting to wonder if it truly is.
Chapter 11
Immediately upon awakening the next morning, my mind is spinning with indecision. The unexpected conversation with Renee brings up so many questions. I do think she deserves to see her grandson, but if I make the trip home for a visit, my whole world could fall apart. My messy past could jeopardize my neat and tidy future free from drama and my parents’ expectations.
I get up and try to clear my mind by doing some yoga from my favorite YouTube channel. The poses do help me exhale some of this emotional whirlwind, but I can’t seem to come to a decision. It’s time to bring in my favorite therapy combination: coffee and Mia.
I send her a text.
Coffee?
Yes. Come over.
I mean go get coffee with me.
YES. When?
NOW. Espresso Primo?
I’ll drive.
Luckily, my sweet little babysitter, Bea, is available to watch Aaron. I shower and dress and Mia and I drive to the coffee shop. We order and then we hunt for a table away from everyone else.
As we sat down with our beverages, I blurt, “I think it’s time to go home and settle some things with Matthew.” That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to lead with.
Mia’s eyebrows go up, and she holds her coffee in her mouth as she looks at me. She swallows and says, “Wow. I did not expect to hear that come out of your mouth right now.” She tilts her head. “Can you do it? Can you stomach that after all that happened?”
I look down at the giant coffee cup that holds my latte. It’s got a heart drawn in foam on top, and I always hate to disturb latte art for that first sip. “Yeah. I mean, I think so, but I’m so indecisive about it. I think his grandparents, who actually want to see him, should have the chance, you know? I have the time off right now, and they offered to pay for my plane ticket.”
Mia takes a bite of her white chocolate ginger scone and nods.
I continue. “I kind of hung up on Renee, Matthew’s mom, yesterday because I freaked the fuck out in the middle of our conversation. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it, and I think I should do it. I should go. I need to do this, and sooner is always better than later, right? “
Mia looks as though she’s trying to appear to be an active listener while having a tiny orgasm from her scone and coffee. “Yes,” she finally says. “That’s true. Better late than never.”
“What? That doesn’t even make sense. Are you okay over there? You look like you need a minute.” I giggle. She’s such a foodie, and I’m totes jealous, since I eat toddler food most of the time these days.
“Oh, shit. I mean, yes! Go. If you think that’s what’s best. Do you think you can do it? I can’t really say because I procrastinate on family issues. There is too much crazy over there, so I just avoid it because you can’t fix
crazy. But you? You face things head on. I admire that about you.”
“Thanks, girl. I wish I could just hide here forever, but my son needs to grow up knowing his family, and my parents won’t accept that he even exists. I feel like she offered the olive branch, so I should go.”
“Yes, yes.” She’s back into her scone again, and I can’t tell if she’s praising me or the scone. My giggle brings her back to the conversation. “I mean, yes. Sorry, my god this is incredible.” She puts the scone down and sits back. “What about Matthew? What about if he starts up trouble again?”
“I know. I’m scared that he’s still drinking and will try to pull some stunt like before.”
She shrugs. “Tell me what I can do for you. How can I help you make this happen?”
“Just this,” I say as I point at the table between us. “This conversation was exactly what I needed. Thank you.”
“My grandfather always says, ‘Life begins where fear ends.’ He taught me that fear holds us back more than we know and it prevents us from living life to the fullest. Like you said, and I agree, maybe it’s time to face your fears and move on.”
As we walk toward my car, I reflect on my last moments with Matthew before I left home with our son. Back then, fear was driving me to get us to safety. It took every ounce of my energy and strength to run, but since then fear has been holding me captive. It’s time to break free.
Chapter 12
I wake with a startle and try to get up in the darkness surrounding me. My legs are cramping, and as I try to stretch, I realize I’m locked in the bedroom’s small closet again. Newborn Aaron wakes and cries, so I put him to my breast for comfort. The last thing I can remember is trying to soothe my colicky baby. I can’t understand why we’re locked in the closet again. I don’t know what purpose it will serve. I’m hungry and have to use the bathroom, but I know several hours will pass before his anger subsides and he sobers up completely. It’ll take time for him to come home and apologize for locking us up again and promise he’ll never do it again.
As I lay there with Aaron suckling at my breast, both of us teetering on the edge of sleep, I revisit my dream to escape this life. This has happened too many times. When he promises to go to treatment, I can’t trust him anymore. I have my plan in place. Tonight, we leave. Tonight, I bring my son to a new place and start again.
Standing at the door of my closet, mindlessly holding a folded stack of clothing over my suitcase, my mind fades from a memory back to the reality of packing for my trip. We’re leaving tomorrow and I have a lot to do, but Monica and I have plans to have coffee today. That means I probably won’t even start doing laundry until tonight. Thankfully, last-minute packing is my specialty.
I really have to talk to Monica about the rumor going around that my coworker Meg believes is true. She bumped into Monica and noticed bruises on her wrists. I’m concerned Drazen is getting too kinky and dominant with her, and today, she needs to hear me out when I tell she deserves better.
Seated at a patio table at the Terra Café, feeding Aaron from a dish of ice cream, I spot Monica walking toward us with her usual confident stride. Her long brown hair is blowing in the breeze, and her long legs stretch her skinny jeans right down to her sexy high heels.
“Girl,” I say as we hug, “where the hell have you been shopping? And what’s with the shoes?”
She flashes me the red soles, and I gasp. Aaron fusses for more ice cream, so I sit back down feed him.
“You like them?” Monica asked.
“I know what they cost, so I know where you got them. So whether or not I like them depends.”
After ordering green tea and a slice of cake, Monica turns back to me.
I start with, “I’m sorry about your friend. Were you close?”
Aaron now has ice cream dripping from both sides of his mouth.
“She was like a sister to me.” Her breath hitches. “Anyway. It’s fine. I’m dealing with it. Still haven’t cleared out her room. But anyway… how’s school?”
“Good, trying to get my thesis topic. Thinking about doing gender instead of race. Something with women’s bodies and politics,” I say.
“Sexual intersections.”
“Oh, that’s good.” I scrape the bottom of the ice cream cup and feed the last scoop to Aaron. “Now, I didn’t ask you here to talk about UCLA.”
“The weather then?”
“My boss? Your former boss? The hot motherfucker? Six two? Medium build? Reddish-brown up top… and down below?”
“Not in front of the baby.”
“I hear he’s a freak, and word gets around. So…” I adjust Aaron in his chair and cross my legs. “What. The. Fuck?”
“Yvonne, really. Totally inappropriate.”
“He’s really private about who he’s…” I look over at Aaron, because I know she thinks the swearing is inappropriate around him. “Who he’s spending time with. But we all saw your picture from the LA Mod show in the paper.”
“I don’t know what you’d call us at this point,” she says.
Aaron makes a long aaaaaahhh sound of pure delight. He kicks under the table, and the silverware bounces.
“He’s cute, this baby. You made him?”
“Me and that creep.” I sigh. “He’s got a drinking problem.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I called you so you could help me with a little escapism, and so far you’re a big fail.”
She gets quiet and searches my eyes. “We’re having sex, but tomorrow night, we have a date, which we haven’t done yet.”
I put a board book in front of Aaron and lean my elbows on my knees, folding my arms. “You’re having sex? Who are you, grandma? Come on. I hear he’s into whips and chains.”
She presses her lips between her teeth. “I’ve never seen him hold or use a whip or a chain. Nor have I observed either one of those things in his house or his bedroom. However…” She sips her tea. “I won’t deny there may be some truth to those rumors.”
“Girl…” I’m screaming inside because it’s true. It really is true. Sam’s face pops into my mind. Why am I thinking about Sam right now? No. Just no. “How is it?”
“It’s amazing.”
“Tell me.” My voice is hoarse. I can’t believe I’m asking for details. Why am I so curious?
“I can’t,” she whispers back. “It’s not cinematic. It’s not exciting unless you’re in it. He speaks to me. He tells me what I want before I know it and before I can deny myself. I’m free with him, but not in the way you think.” She spins her teacup around in the saucer and stops.
I’m freaking out. I try to fake a calm expression so she can’t see any worry or reservation. I really want to go off the deep end and warn her about rich men and their need for control and entitlement, scream in her face to be careful, but that would be ineffective. So I choose a supportive line of questions instead. “So where’s it going? Serious? Steady thing? Just sex?”
“I don’t know.”
“How do you feel about it?”
Monica glances off in the distance, then she looks at her coffee cup as she answers, which tells me I’m getting a canned response. “Taking it slow. I like being around him. I’m trying to not get too attached, but I don’t know if staying detached is working.”
Aaron fusses, so I pull him out of his chair. He rests his head on my shoulder. “You buy yourself the shoes and clothes?” I chuckle. “Of course not. The shoes alone…”
Monica purses her lips, and I realize I need to be straight with her.
“I’m gonna ask you something because I like you. You can get your panties in a twist if you want, but you shouldn’t.” Aaron coos, and I hush him with a sssh. “He abusing you?”
“No!” she cries. “God, Yvonne, what part of what I said makes you think abuse?”
She is reacting defensively, but I don’t care. I need her to know this. “Kink is often a disguise for abuse and exploitation. I know it’s not that way y
et. But if you get uncomfortable, will you call me?”
“No.” She looks as if she’s contemplating my question, but she doesn’t look up.
“Sure, you will. Look, I know how a nice guy can turn into an asshole on the turn of a dime, so all I’m saying is…” I sit back and take a deep breath. This is getting too intense, and I don’t want to scare her off. “I’m totally jealous. If he’s not abusing you, I might have faith in men again. That’s all.”
She smiles timidly and exhales a long, lung-emptying breath, as if she’s been holding it in. Hopefully she’s hearing some of what I’m saying and knows that my intentions are good.
She pushes her cake toward me, and Aaron grabs the chocolate frosting and has it in his mouth before I can stop him. “Eat, please. I have to stay skinny if I want to look good in these clothes.”
Chapter 13
All the clothes are folded, the suitcase is packed, as is the diaper bag. It’s not even close to my usual packing deadline of midnight, and I’m ridiculously proud of myself for having finished so early in the afternoon. The only way Aaron would fall asleep for a nap was in the backpack sling with “Royals” blaring on repeat via the Bluetooth. I can tell he fell asleep by the way his head is resting on my upper back and his legs are no longer bouncing against me. Somehow, I extract him from the multiple straps of the sling and put him in bed.
Instead of cleaning the apartment or any one of the hundred other things I should do, all I really want is to curl up with a good book. My tea steeps as my Kindle screen glows, the fuzzy blanket tucked around my feet. The circumstances couldn’t be more perfect, but I can’t seem to stay focused. My conversation with Monica is weighing heavily on my mind. In hindsight, she didn’t seem scared of Jonathan or manipulated by him. In fact, she seemed empowered, maybe stronger and even more confident than I had seen her in the past. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they can have rough sex that makes her truly happy. If I didn’t know Monica on some level, I wouldn’t consider it a possibility.
The Drazen World: Run (Kindle Worlds Novella) Page 5
