“I just wanted to see you,” I said, trying to maintain the smile, but as I stared across the room at Evan, so kind and devoted, I felt my lip start to tremble. My plan was backfiring. Seeing him was supposed to reassure me of every decision I’d made since Jesse left, but it was doing just the opposite.
“Hey,” he said softly as his smile was replaced with concern, closing the gap between us and wrapping his arms around me. “What’s wrong?”
I didn’t say anything though, I just hugged him back, pulling in as close as I could, begging the feelings that had once been so strong to return and tell me I was still in love with Evan. I closed my eyes, willing them to come back, but all I felt was a pit of unease.
“Riley,” he said again as he stroked my hair. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lied, pulling myself together.
“You don’t seem fine.” He stepped back, holding me at arm’s length as he looked over me.
“I just needed to see you.”
“You said that already, but,” he said and I could hear the apprehension in his voice before he continued. “Is that really the reason why you came?”
“Yes,” I said, trying to convince us both. “Why do you find that so hard to believe?”
“Because I practically had to beg you to come here when we got engaged. You’d made it pretty obvious you wanted to make minimal visits to Kansas City this summer, so forgive my surprise when you decide on a whim to just show up.”
“Should I leave?” I asked playfully, trying to lighten the mood.
“I definitely don’t want you to leave,” he said, pulling me to him again. “I just want to make sure everything’s okay.”
“It is.”
“You sure? Everything’s good at home?” he asked, raising an eyebrow doubtfully. “You haven’t almost gotten yourself killed again, have you?”
“Yes…I mean, no, I haven’t almost gotten myself killed again, and yes, everything’s fine,” I said and I think he might’ve finally believed me because he leaned in, kissing me slowly at first before his lips started moving deeper and more urgently. As I kissed him back, I focused on the feeling of his lips on mine and how they’d been the first lips since Jesse’s to make me think I could care for someone again. When he’d kiss me, my stomach would flutter, but as he kissed me now, I didn’t want to acknowledge the void that was there instead. I think he wanted to take it further as he started easing me in the direction of the bedroom, but when I didn’t follow his lead, he stopped. I knew he was confused, but he didn’t say anything and instead, we made our way to the couch, sitting side by side in uncomfortable silence. I knew I needed to say something. I’d surprised him enough simply by showing up and when I’d rejected his advances, I knew it was only a matter of time before he started questioning me again.
“We finally had that wedding planning get together,” I said, breaking the silence.
“Oh yeah?” he asked, turning to face me and I could tell he was intrigued. “What’d you get done?” He was definitely more attentive now and I could see the easy smile replacing the trepidation from before.
“Not much. Mandy just brought a bunch of magazines over to Jesse’s and we looked at dresses and flowers and cakes,” I said and the smile disappeared from his face.
“Jesse’s house?”
“Yeah…it’s just the best place to hang out,” I said, realizing I probably should’ve left Jesse out of the conversation.
“Yeah, I get that,” he said with a hint of sarcasm. “I just don’t see why he was involved with our wedding planning at all.”
“He wasn’t,” I said quickly. “He and Brandon played pool while we talked.”
Evan sat there for a second and I could tell he was thinking about what he was going to say. I could also tell by his clenched jaw, he wasn’t saying what he was really thinking.
“Do you want me to be okay with this thing you’ve got going with Jesse again?” he finally said and then I was the one who was quiet as I thought about how to respond.
“Obviously you’re not,” I said softly, and my tone wasn’t defensive or angry because I had no right to be either of those things.
“No, I’m not,” he replied flatly and a pit formed in my stomach. “I’ve tried to let it go, Riley. You know I’m not the jealous type, but even I can’t look past this. You can’t deny things have changed since we left Manhattan. Things were good before then, but ever since you went back to Carver, things have been different.” He was looking at me with worry in his eyes and I just nodded in agreement because everything he said was true.
I stared up at him, unable to defend anything he was saying, and all I could muster was a quiet “I’m sorry” before he continued.
“Can you honestly tell me it has nothing to do with Jesse?”
Our eyes locked and I could tell he was waiting in nervous anticipation for my response. I didn’t want to lie or try and refute anything he was saying. It would be an insult to his intelligence. He wasn’t dumb or naïve and I shouldn’t treat him as such.
“No, I can’t,” I finally agreed quietly and he breathed out, looking away from me for a moment before finally meeting my eyes again.
“I see the way he looks at you,” he said, his jaw still clenched as he hesitated. “And I see the way you look at him.” Evan’s voice descended at the end of his sentence and when he looked at me, his eyes full of worry and hurt, I knew I’d become the person I’d sworn never to be. After being hurt so badly before, I told myself I would never hurt anyone I loved. Even though it hadn’t been intentional, I was hurting Evan and it wasn’t fair to him or me.
“I’m sorry, Evan,” I said again, not really sure what else I could say.
“So…what does this mean?”
“I don’t know,” I said as his face became blurry from my tears. I tried not to blink, knowing if I did, they’d come spilling down my face and probably wouldn’t stop.
“This can’t keep going on,” he said matter-of-factly.
“I know.” I couldn’t hold back anymore and I blinked my eyes, the tears falling down my cheeks. I brushed them off and swallowed hard, trying to keep myself from full on weeping knowing what was coming.
“It’s gotta be me or him,” he said, his ultimatum like a punch in the gut. Evan was my fiancé. There should be no question. My mouth should’ve opened immediately, telling him irrefutably that it would be him and not Jesse, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. “Riley,” he said, his voice weak and laced with nerves. “Say something, please.”
I breathed in deeply as I wiped my eyes again.
“I don’t know what to say,” I managed to finally get out. “You’re right. Everything you’re saying is the truth. I can’t deny any of it.” His jaw clenched again and he looked away, shaking his head and he stood up, pacing back and forth in front of me. “I never expected to see Jesse again and the way things ended between us…well…I can’t explain it…but obviously it messed me up pretty badly if I’m still this consumed with it.”
He stopped pacing and stared down at me on the couch.
“Do you love me, Riley?” he asked sternly, his serious eyes focusing on mine.
“Of course I love you,” I replied quickly.
“But not as much as you love him.” I felt my body tighten as his words hit me. I wanted to jump up and tell him no. I wanted to tell Evan he was crazy, but as my eyes stared into his, I knew his words were the truth. When I didn’t say anything, instead, biting my lip, I could see the bewilderment on his face. His hand was cupped over his mouth and he stood motionless, staring down at the floor. “This is the part where you tell me I’m crazy, Riley…that of course you love me more than you love him.” His voice cracked and he ran his hand nervously through his hair.
“I’m sorry.” My throat was tight and all I could manage was a whisper, but hearing my response, or lack of response, sounded like a thousand trumpets that neither of us could ignore.
He stared down a
t me, his head tilting to the side as he watched me curiously.
“I guess I have my answer then,” he said quietly and I felt my throat tighten even more as I tried to hold back the emotions swirling around inside of me. I wished I could flip a switch and everything would be the way it used to be between Evan and I before Jesse came back, but I couldn’t do that. Jesse was back and even though I knew there was no future with him, I couldn’t be with someone when I was still in love with someone else. I knew I’d never stopped loving Jesse. I’d smoldered the inferno it’d once been into embers after he left, but they had been reignited the moment our eyes met again. I didn’t want the complication of Jesse in my life after I’d worked so hard to free myself from it, but as I stared up at Evan, I knew I couldn’t force something that wasn’t there anymore.
I stood up nervously, walking over to where Evan stood motionless, still looking down at the floor. I tilted his chin gently until he was looking at me again and I hated knowing I was hurting him. I hated myself for letting it go on this long. I’d known my mind was screwed up the night he proposed. I knew Jesse was too much a part of me again and yet I’d said yes when Evan asked me to marry him. I knew my heart wasn’t fully his anymore and deep down, I knew it never had been, but I’d wanted it. I’d wanted it so badly. I desperately wanted to be over Jesse and the hold he had over me. I wanted to believe I was really over Jesse and saying yes to Evan’s proposal was one way I could prove that to myself, even though it was a thoughtless thing to do, especially to someone I claimed to love.
“I didn’t plan for any of this,” I said softly, my fingers brushing lightly over his cheek. “I never meant to hurt you, Evan. Please believe me when I tell you that.”
“I know,” he said just as softly. “But it doesn’t make this any easier.”
I didn’t say anything as I slowly pulled the ring off my left hand and gently folded it into his palm.
“There’s no saying let’s take a break and give it some time and see how things go?” he asked in a shaky voice.
“No,” I finally whispered, answering his question and he just slowly nodded. “It wouldn’t be fair to either of us…especially you.”
“This is really it then.”
It wasn’t a question. He said it as a fact because we both knew it was. Tears were in his eyes too and I prayed someday I could forget the pain in them. Breaking up with him was one of the worst feelings I’d ever experienced, especially because Evan had been so good to me. I cared about him. I loved him, but we couldn’t pretend things could go back to the way they once were. It was over and we both knew that. I’d known the second Jesse stepped back into my life, I just hadn’t wanted to admit it.
I wanted him to go off on me, screaming at me about what a heartless bitch I was. It would’ve made the whole situation so much easier, because then at least I could tell myself I was breaking up with an asshole, but that wasn’t the case and instead of yelling at me, he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms protectively around me. I held him back and my heart ached knowing this was goodbye. Just a few nights before I was looking at wedding dresses and now we were breaking up.
I’m not sure how long we stood like that, but as he held me, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders that I’d been struggling with. I hadn’t known what to do or where the hell my life was going, but the uneasy pit I’d been fighting off every time I thought about marrying Evan was gone and I was relieved that he would one day find someone deserving of his love. That person wasn’t me and I knew someday he’d realize that and regardless of what he thought about me right now, he’d thank me later.
When we finally let go, I gathered my things and walked to the door. It’d been minutes since any words had been spoken and I didn’t know if there was anything left to be said. As my hand rested on the doorknob, I turned to him, trying to smile to let him know how sorry I was. He didn’t smile back though.
“Bye, Evan,” was all I said as I opened the door and walked out.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I cried the first half-hour of the trip home. Not heavy sobbing tears, but silent sorrowful tears that I couldn’t get to stop. They just kept coming and my throat was so tight it felt like it was on fire. The trip to Kansas City was supposed to reassure me I wanted to be with Evan. It’d done the complete opposite though and as I drove south, back to Carver, I was even more screwed up than before. I wasn’t with Evan anymore and all because I’d finally admitted I was still in love with Jesse. I’d broken up with my fiancé over someone I couldn’t even be with anymore. As Jesse had begged me to come back to him, I’d told him I couldn’t be with him because I couldn’t be hurt again. It was too much…too intense and I wouldn’t let myself go through it again. Where did it leave me then? I’d given up a great guy for someone I loved with every ounce of my being, but someone I couldn’t be with. I couldn’t go on like this for the rest of my life. If I was going to let Jesse have the kind of hold on me he’d had since the moment he left…actually since the moment I’d met him…I might as well join a convent and vow a life of celibacy because it appeared it was my only option of getting over him at all. Then I had an epiphany. Maybe it would be different this time. When Jesse left the first time, there’d been no closure. I’d had no control over the situation and he’d made all the decisions. He’d decided he wasn’t good enough for me. He’d decided I’d be better off without him. But now, I was in complete control and maybe there was something to be said for that. Maybe knowing I’d chosen not be with him would finally give me the power to get over him…totally and completely, and someday, maybe not any time soon, but someday, I’d find someone I could give my whole heart to the way I had given it to Jesse and maybe I could trust them enough not to stomp all over it.
I tried not to think of Evan or allow the image of his face when we were breaking up enter my thoughts as I drove, too fast, I realized after glancing down at the speedometer, which read almost ninety miles per hour. I only had about forty-five minutes left till I got back to Carver, and decided a speeding ticket was the last thing I needed to add to my pile of woes. I hit the brakes, slowing the car to just above the speed limit and set the cruise control as I headed home, wondering what the hell I was going to do once I got there. My mom and Jack weren’t due back for a few more days, Holly had returned to Manhattan, Brandon and Mandy were spending a few days at his uncle’s cabin near the lake and Laura had gone back to Oklahoma with her cousin, much to my relief. While I’d forgiven her, I still wasn’t ready to talk to her yet. The only person left in Carver was Jesse and I was for sure not going to be hanging out with him any time soon. I sighed, wishing Matt was still at home. It sucked not having him around to talk to anymore. I would’ve given anything to have one of the talks I’d relied on so much since meeting him that first summer in the flower shop.
I knew I needed to stop feeling sorry myself. I’d be fine. I always was. This was just another hurdle I needed to get over. I reached for my iPod, knowing some very loud, very heavy music would help me to focus on something other than Jesse and the fact I’d just broken off my engagement. I glanced quickly at the small screen, searching for my Pink albums and when I looked back up, I knew I didn’t have enough time to stop or swerve around the pieces of tire that were strewn throughout the lane I was traveling in. I slammed on the breaks and everything on the seats went flying forward, myself included. I tried swerving, but I jerked back when I noticed a mini-van next to me and I pulled the wheel back sharply, causing my Jetta to run right over the large tire pieces with a jolt and a loud thud as I felt the car lurch to one side. I thought I’d regained control when I heard a thu-thump, thu-thump and I cringed knowing something was wrong. I eased the car off to the side of the road as quickly as I could and then sat there, frozen as I tried to calm the pounding in my chest as I realized how badly that could’ve turned out for myself and the people in the mini-van beside me. I took a deep breath, saying a quick prayer of thanks and hoping the damage wasn’t as bad as it sounded, befo
re opening the door and walking to the back of the car. I felt my heart sink at the sight of both of the right tires shredded and hanging from the rims.
“Shit!” I yelled out loud, clutching my fist and stomping my feet in irritation. Frustrated tears welled in my eyes as I sat down, leaning my back against one of the offending tires, pulling my knees up and burying my head in my hands and began to sob so hard my body was shaking. The last thing I needed was to be sitting stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. It was the perfect ending to a perfectly shitty day.
I allowed myself a few more moments of self-pity before forcing myself off the ground and back into the car. I found my insurance card and cell phone and after fifteen minutes of explaining to the agent on the other end of the line what had happened and finally determining my location, he told me a tow truck would be there as soon as possible, which could be a couple of hours. I had to hold back the screams when I was given that last bit of information, but knew yelling at the guy would do no good and I finally just hung up.
After watching the clock tick away the longest twenty minutes I’d ever experienced, I grabbed my phone again and pulled up Matt’s number. I hadn’t spoken to him since he learned of my engagement, but I needed my friend right now.
“Riley! What’s up?” he said after the third ring.
“How long do you have?” I sighed.
“That doesn’t sound good. What’s going on?”
“Where do you want me to start? The part where Jesse begged me to come back to him, the part where I broke things off with Evan or the fact that I’m sitting on the side of the road on I-35 with two flat tires.”
Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) Page 20
