by Susan Ward
I set down my plate, no longer hungry. Mom yawned and stretched in her chair. “I’m going back to bed, baby girl. No sleep is no bueno for Chrissie.”
THAT DAY THE MINUTES dragged. By afternoon I was out back on the patio, too restless to sunbathe though I was in my bathing suit, too mentally jumbled to talk on the phone with friends, and instead sitting on the edge of the pool, kicking the water with my feet.
Time could slow to a crawl in Pacific Palisades. It wasn’t a good ally for my mood. When my life was quiet, it left too much time to think.
“What are you doing out here?”
Startled, I looked over my shoulder to find Damon crossing the pavement toward me.
“Having fun. Can’t you tell?”
Laughing, he crouched down next to me. “It doesn’t look like you’re having fun.”
He didn’t sit on the concrete, I suspected because he was wearing one of his impeccable suits. “A lot you know. This is excitement at its best.”
“It is for one of us.” His amber gaze ran my form, appreciating how I looked in a bikini. “Give me a minute. I’ll change. It’s amazing how warm it is here for October. It’s a shame to let all that cool water go to waste. You should be in it.”
I lifted my nose. “I don’t swim.”
He frowned. “As in you don’t like to or you don’t know how?”
I shrugged. “I can’t swim.” But inside my head I was screaming when I never screamed: My life is I can’t...can’t...can’t. I can’t run. I can’t go down the path on the cliffs with my brothers and sisters and make it back up again. And I can’t manage you, Damon.
“You could stay in the shallow end and I could pretend to rescue you.”
I clawed my hair, frustrated. “Not funny. It’s awful to have this pool and not be able to swim. It’s awful to be surrounded by wonderful things you can’t have or do.”
“It’s only awful if that’s how you see it,” he replied gently. My gaze shot to his to find bright amber eyes searching me. He pulled off his loafers and socks, rolled up his pant legs, and settled beside me on the edge. “The water will still feel good, whether you can swim or not. There are people across the world who will never have any of the things you have.”
Choking back tears, I seized my towel from the concrete. “I’m sure you’re right. Thank you for pointing out how lucky I am.”
“I wouldn’t presume to call you lucky. I don’t know if you are or aren’t. What I do know is feeling sorry for yourself never helped anyone.”
“Pardon me. I didn’t get the British gene for stiff upper lip.” I jerked my towel around my body and tied it.
“No, you got the American gene for hit hard, hit first rather than allow anyone to get close to you.”
“I did not. You don’t understand.”
He sprang to his feet and prevented me from going into the house. “Then help me understand. Whatever it is that makes you push people away will never be half as bad as it makes you feel pushing them away.”
My lips quivered from suppressed tears, but I managed to hold his gaze. “Something else you know from experience?”
“Yes.” His voice was forceful and raw.
It was impossible to remain composed with how he stared at me. “Go away, Damon. Why won’t you leave me alone?”
I felt the light touch of his fingers on my chin and he lifted my face so I had to look at him. “If I had an answer for that, I’d tell you, but I don’t know. All things in life don’t have an answer. Not even a simple one. They just are. Absolute, inescapable, and undefinable. It’s been like falling down a rabbit hole since I met you in Paris.”
I closed my eyes and couldn’t begin to comprehend a response to that. Was Damon saying he was in love with me? The answers are always simple if you let them be. No, it couldn’t be as simple as that. Or was it me? Was I the one already in love with him? I wanted to love him. That was the truth.
I checked my thoughts and stepped back from him. “I’m not a rabbit hole.” My voice broke. “I’m exactly what you see. A girl trapped in a bubble with no way out.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
THE SECOND I REACHED my cave, my phone dinged exactly as I’d come to expect.
Arrogant Prince: I Googled. Which version? New or the original with John Travolta in it?
Cheeky Girl: ???
Arrogant Prince: Girl in the bubble. Odd reference. I Googled and two versions of the movie Boy in The Plastic Bubble came up. Since I’m confident you’re blowing me off for our walk tonight, I thought I’d watch the movie and perhaps figure out what’s going on with you.
Icy prickles ran my body as I sank down on my bed. Oh crud. I shuddered as I remembered our argument on the patio. In the heat of the moment I’d divulged too much. And what had gone over Damon’s head, Google had fixed for him.
I stared at my phone in the vague hope I could figure out a way to magically convert my slip of the tongue into a nothing burger. Rather unsurprisingly, inspiration didn’t come.
Our set time to walk together was hours away. It wasn’t how I wanted to knock him in a different direction, but it was all I had.
Cheeky Girl: Who said I wasn’t walking? If you’re out there after brandy, I’ll show.
There, let him think about that. I switched off my phone rather than see his reply. I skipped dinner with my family, ate in my bedroom in front of the TV, and tried to decide how to better manage the next round of Damon.
He was like a force of nature, impossible to control. And I was a leaf, and he made me dance on the air any way he wished to. It was obnoxious. Cody was right: he was the male version of me.
After I finished my meal, I switched off the TV, unable to shake my anxiety. The situation with Damon had gotten out of hand. I mentally flicked through all the scenes of us, and butterflies danced in my stomach instead of a game plan forming in my head.
It made no sense. I knew what I wanted—Damon to leave without claiming any more of me than he already had—but I couldn’t manage a way to get there. After it all, I still had butterflies when I thought of him.
It was dark when I left my bedroom and stepped out on the patio. On the other side was Damon, earbuds in, phone in hand, listening to something. He was in the charcoal suit he’d come home in, jacket undone, engaged in something ordinary yet still looking extraordinary. How could he be so arresting hovered over his phone to kill time as he waited for me?
“Truce. Okay?”
He turned and saw me, and his entire being changed. From calm to something else—tension?—but there remained that glow in his eyes that called directly to my secret inner girl who stomped her feet and screamed for me to stop being a fool about him.
He shut off his phone and shoved it into his pocket. His smile ran in through my eyes to my heart. “No truce necessary. Apology instead. I overstepped again. I can be a bit opinionated. It makes me myopic and insensitive. I’m sorry.”
My lips went dry and desire flared in my body. I’d never known a man who so quickly took on the burden of everything just to make me feel better.
“I’m sorry, too.” That I apologized as well made him happy. I stood paralyzed as he closed the distance between us, devouring me with his tiger eyes.
Then his arms wrapped around me and he pulled me in for a hard kiss, kissing me like we were madly in love instead of not even friends yet. It was fervent and sensual, and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing him back. Our tongues entwined—his taste was divine—and ardor exploded between us.
He pulled away from me and stared down, some unnamed emotion on his face. “That went better than I thought it would given you skipped dinner.”
I took a quick, steadying breath. “I get snappy when I’m tired. That’s why I was that way this afternoon at the pool.”
“Understandable.”
My pulse jackhammered. Oh crap, here it comes. “How so?”
“We all do. It’s natural. The tongue’s way of getting the world to back off when we n
eed it to. Or, in our case, me.” He tilted his head with a sympathetic smile. “Anything new is hard, but especially so when you’re tired.”
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” I whispered, and he grabbed my hand, leading me off the pavement and onto the grass.
Once there, he said, “I’m starting to figure you out, Khloe.”
I shook my head as if I didn’t understand him.
“Your metaphor. The bubble. That’s one thing we have in common, easy to understand. It hadn’t occurred to me before that even growing up in this wonderful place, your life might be much like my own. Feeling trapped with no way out. Being always in a protected bubble safely away from reality. That the things that come easily to others don’t for you. Always having to second-guess everyone’s motives, and apprehensive if you’re reading situations right. But you are. With me. I would never do anything to harm you, KK. I stumble about a bit when I’m trying to get to know a girl, but I’m not an arse.”
My feeling of relief was nearly crumbling. “Oh.”
“I’ve hardly helped matters that my own part in this has been rather unconventional and I’m sure you think bizarre. Did it ever occur to you I have all the same complications in my life, the same worries and challenges? That it may be as hard for me to get to know a woman as it is for you to get to know a man. One misstep is all it takes for either of us for things to move beyond our control.”
And there was the door I’d been waiting for to escape Damon if I could make myself run through it. “Finally, we’re on the same page. I’m glad you realize why we’re such an impossible equation.”
“Impossible?” Frowning, he stopped walking. His features tightened with alarm. “No. That isn’t what I meant at all. Do you think I’m brushing you off?”
I was sure my face was scarlet. “Well, aren’t you?”
His thumbs hooked over my belt and abruptly I was pulled into him. Tipping my head back involuntarily, I moaned as his mouth came in for the kill. His tongue was relentless, strong, and packed with an intensity of emotion that was almost painful. My body started to quicken, the nectar of my arousal and his thick in my throat. I did as my heart prompted; I wrapped my arms around his neck and molded into the perfect cubby for my body that was him.
I was consumed by the invading, pulsing, cloud-soaring sensations...and when I couldn’t take more without taking him, he let out a deep groan and buried his head in my neck, breathing erratically as he fought to pull back from the very edge I was teetering on: taking him to my room to make love to him.
My body screamed for him, but he stepped back. “I’m gone for you. There’s no turning back for me unless you tell me that’s what you want.”
Another door. This time I couldn’t move through it. Both my body and mouth were frozen. It would have been so much easier for both of us if I had told him then this is pointless, go but I would have regretted it the rest of my life.
The Next Day
“No. Stay. Hang out. Have your wine. Have a pedi. I did. Jeez, Louise, Cody. Did you have to fangirl all over him?”
Cody grimaced as Gideon howled. “Stop laughing, Gid. It’s not my fault. He’s ridiculously hot. You don’t know. You haven’t met him.”
“It was so embarrassing.” I chided Cody with my eyes.
“Sorry, babe,” Gideon said to his guy, his lips twitching as he fought back his laughter. “I know this is going to be a sore spot for you for a while, and I did promise not to give you any more shit over your decided lack of coolness after you told me about it. I’m sure Damon Saxe is used to people fawning all over him.”
“Do you want more Chinese, Khloe?” Cody asked.
I shook my head. I needed to head out soon and was pretty sure I’d already overstayed my welcome. I’d barged in unannounced to find that Gideon had a rare night off from the hospital and the two of them were settled in for a quiet night of takeout and TV.
I needed to take a break from my house and Damon, and this was the best place I could think of to go. Cody always managed to reorganize me into something I was comfortable with. I felt better from just being there and it was time for this episode of interrupting Cody’s nonwork hours to end.
“I should go.”
“Stay as long as you want, Khloe,” Gideon offered, reaching for the chow mein. “If you want to, you’re more than welcome to hide here from Damon Saxe until he leaves in four days.”
“Hardy har har.” I gave him a shove against his leg with my knee. We were sitting on the floor, our backs against the couch, having a carpet picnic as Gideon called it. I stared into my rice. “It’s more like save Damon from being with me. I think there’s something seriously wrong with him or he’s a glutton for abuse. I’ve been crazy girl since Europe. I insult him. I encourage him then push him away. I reject him but want to be with him every minute of the day and text with him excessively. I want him, but when he lets me know he wants me as well, I run from him. And I have tearfests over hamburgers.”
Gideon frowned. “Hamburgers? You didn’t tell me that part, babe.”
“I’ll explain later,” Cody assured him.
“I may not fangirl around Damon like Cody and my sisters do, but I do behave idiotically. I hate it.”
Gideon’s lips went downward in sympathy. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve just started the treatments again. It impacts emotions. It can make someone behave erratically. I’m sure the doctor’s explained that to you.”
“Then for Khloe it should have made her sane and stable,” Cody teased, and I glared at him.
“I can see there’s no sympathy for me here.”
They seized me into a bear hug and shook me as each guy kissed one of my cheeks. “We love you. Exactly how you are. A circus 24/7 even when you’re not with your wandering circus. And we always will,” Cody murmured before they both pulled back.
“Maybe you have the same crazy power over Damon,” Gideon added. “He’ll love you no matter what.”
“He doesn’t love me,” I protested hotly.
“Kinda sounds like love to me,” Gideon surmised thoughtfully. “In fact, how you’re behaving sounds exactly like love to me and not chemically induced emotionality.”
I growled at him, annoyed, and Gideon started to gather up the leftovers and empty boxes.
“Why do you two watch this show? It’s so dumb.”
“Mindless entertainment,” Cody replied. “Gid needs to zone out after his shifts at the hospital. It helps him unwind.”
“Bullshit, babe,” Gideon called out from the kitchen. “You watch it for the hot guys.”
“That’s rich coming from you,” Cody taunted back. “You’re the one who has me DVR The Bachelorette.”
I slouched back against the couch and stared at the muted TV, wishing I could figure out what to do about Damon or in the least how to transform myself back into a rational girl.
“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if real life could be as simple as this show?” I said, nodding toward the TV. “Dating. And at the end, a handful of perfect guys, no emotional complications, no mess, no choice. You have to pick one and there’s no way out. Fairy-tale wedding. Fade to black. No awful ever after. Just over in the happy.”
“It could be that way if you wanted it to. Men fall hard for you. There doesn’t seem to be one you want that you can’t have.”
“You missed the operative part. No awful ever after, over in the happy.”
“Let’s say that were possible.” Gideon leaned out of the kitchen. “If you had to pick one of your guys, which one would you choose? Zane? Cade? Damon? Or that asshole who broke your heart at eighteen? The one who dumped you after you got so sick after your first round of immunotherapy. What was his name?”
“He whose name we shall not speak, babe.”
Gideon cringed. “Sorry, KK. I should have left him off the bachelor selection.”
“It’s all right. It doesn’t matter. I hardly think of him anymore.”
Cody slipped an
arm around me. “If Damon managed that miracle for you, that’s something.”
I made a face at him. “It has nothing to do with Damon. It was a long time ago. It was stupid I let myself continue to be bothered by it.”
Gideon sank down on the carpet beside me. “You didn’t answer my question. If your life was that show, which guy would you pick?”
I shrugged. “This is a stupid game. I don’t want to play.”
“Just indulge us. This is our brand of counseling.” Cody refilled my wineglass.
“No more wine. I have to drive home later.”
“I’ll take you home.” Cody topped off my glass. “Answer the question.”
I exhaled. “I’d pick Damon.”
“You would?” Cody sounded surprised.
“Why do you sound so shocked? You practically drooled over him. I’d be an idiot to blow a shot at going to bed with him in our imaginary complication-free what-if.”
“He thought you’d pick Zane,” Gideon explained. “What you’re hearing is relief not shock.”
“Zane should have been the logical choice, but then you didn’t pick him. Why?”
“I picked Damon because he’s the only unknown.”
“The unknown,” Cody repeated, nodding.
“What?” I stared up at him in confusion.
“You can’t let go of him because he is the unknown. The what might be of your life. The very thing that might change the road you’ve been on so you can finally find a little real happiness.”
“Or,” Gideon put in sagely, “leaving him unknown leaves you unable to know what to do. And making him the known is the only way to move on from him.”
I shook my head at them. “Why do people in love think they have the answers to everything? You don’t.”
“Oh, yeah we do,” they said in unison, and then laughed over it.
“Khloe, both Gideon and I have been there, tangled up over a guy. Saying no, no and somehow continuing to do yes, yes. It was bound to happen to you eventually, and I can honestly say sometimes getting to really know a guy is the only way to get him out of your headspace so you can tell him to go.”
