by Susan Ward
“Madison is out walking your grandfather’s beach. It looked touch and go there for most of the night. She was with me until a little bit ago. Chrissie was there, too. Your mom’s in bed, trying to get some rest before the next round. If you want some time alone with Jack, now’s when you’re going to get it. But not too long. Don’t tire him out before your brothers and sisters get to see him today.”
“Okay,” I said in a small voice.
I went down the long hallway to the back of the house. The walls were lined with memorabilia, guitar cases, and pictures of my grandfather at every age. Mom looked so like him when he was young. Golden hair, bright blue eyes.
As soundless as I could, I closed my hand around the knob and opened his door. It hit me like a cold shock each time I saw him. He didn’t look like Jack anymore.
“Hey, Grandpa, you up for company?” I asked softly, unsure if he’d drifted back to sleep.
The plastic mask was lifted from his nose and mouth. “There’s trouble. Look what the cat dragged in.” Coughing, he secured it back in place as he patted a spot on the bed beside him.
“I still say that, you know.” I crossed the room, kissed him on the cheek, and settled down beside him. “And don’t take off the mask to answer me. I can see the answer in your eyes when we talk.”
His brilliant blue eyes smiled, but he took the mask off anyway. Jack loved to talk. “You doing all right, baby girl?”
I nodded as he took a fast inhale of oxygen.
“This must be hardest on you out of all of them.”
“No. It’s hardest on Mom.” I pretended I didn’t understand why he said that.
“Dying is part of life, Khloe. It’s what makes it extraordinary that any of us hope, love, or try anything. The beginning and the end are part of everything. The day we’re born we start to die. That’s how it works for all of us. Even the best of us can’t escape it.”
The beginning and the end are part of everything... My gaze strayed toward the window and my thoughts wandered briefly to Damon.
“You are the best, Grandpa.”
“Oh, Khloe. Why are you so sad? It’s more than me.”
I shook my head and curled up against him. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. Now why don’t you tell me what’s wrong? You get old, no one tells you anything anymore.”
His laughter made him cough and go for more air.
“There’s nothing to tell. And even if there was, my problems don’t belong in here.”
His blue gaze sharpened on me. “Quite a bit going on with my girl. You don’t have me snowed. Damon was here two days ago.”
I lifted my face to look at him, shocked. “What are you talking about? Why was Damon here?”
“Like the rest of you. Wanted to say goodbye to me before it was too late.”
“But...I don’t understand.”
“You’re not the only one who cavorts with royalty. We’re good friends. We sat on the Global Council for Peace together. Your father brought him here two days ago. He visited for a while. We talked. It was good to see Damon again.” Those magnificent blue eyes went shrewd and knowing. “I’m not so old I can’t see a young man in love.”
My jaw dropped. Damon hadn’t told me that and neither had Dad. “Did he tell you about us?”
Jack’s chin bobbed weakly. “Among other things.”
My face paled. “Damon shouldn’t have bothered you with our mess.”
“Old men are exactly who young men should discuss their problems with. Best way to learn from someone who’s already made the same mistakes. Ask your dad. Also, it keeps my mind occupied away from what’s happening here. You can talk to me, Khloe. I’m a good listener.”
I settled back against him and for a while we silently lay there. Then the words bubbled upward on their own. By the time I’d finished I’d told Jack everything, the complicated equation that was Damon and me, and how much it hurt not to have him.
I was crying, when I wanted to be strong for him. “It hurts so much, Grandpa. He makes me dream things I won’t ever have. Want things that won’t ever be. Every day he calls and I see him. I never knew what love could feel like before Damon. Not the kind of love you and Linda have, and Dad and Mom. The real kind of love that can last forever. But I haven’t even told him I have cancer or that I’m dying. Don’t look at me that way. You know it’s the truth even if no one will say it. But I should have told Damon before I let him get involved with me. I’ve been so unfair to him. It wasn’t right to let him think I was able to love him.”
Jack patted my back. “If dying meant it wasn’t fair to love, none of us would ever love. Don’t live your life running out the clock, Khloe. Whatever minutes we have, we should fill them with all the love we can. You haven’t been unfair by loving someone. It’s all right to let someone love you. To want. It’s all right to reach for happiness. It’s all right to dream, baby girl.”
“Dreams are dangerous, Grandpa. They hurt me, and they hurt others. What’s the point of dreaming when they can’t come true and I’ll only end up hurting the people I love?”
“‘If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less, but to dream more, to dream all the time.’”
When my grandfather said things like that they sounded like the wisest thing ever said and had so much impact. As if it were true. Possible. I brushed my tears. “I like that. It’s hopeful and beautiful. Not true. But I wish it were.”
“It is true, baby girl. It’s how we should all live. Hopeful and dreaming. It’s how I’ve lived. Only to dream more, to dream all the time aren’t my words. That’s a quote from Marcel Proust. This is from me to you, baby girl: Dream all you can, Khloe. Until you can’t dream about anything.”
I SAT ON THE CLIFFS above the beach, staring out at the ocean. I still wasn’t over the shock that my dad had brought Damon here. One day he wasn’t even a thought in my mind, then out of nowhere Damon was woven through my world as though he’d always been.
It felt that way in my heart and it made it impossible to shut off my grandfather’s words replaying in my head.
Dream all you can, Khloe. Until you can’t dream about anything...I brushed at my tears, turned my head, and found Dad sitting beside me.
“You brought Damon here and didn’t tell me?”
My dad’s black eyes stared straight ahead, and he nodded.
“Why would you do that, Dad?”
“It was clear to everyone last week Jack was dying. Everyone except your mum. There were people to notify. Damon was among the list of names Linda had me help her contact. Your grandfather wanted Damon to know and I informed him. He requested to see Jack to say his goodbye and I arranged it. It has nothing to do with you, Khloe. Damon wanted to visit your grandfather before he died. We came together.”
My mouth tightened as I shook my head. “I know what you’re trying to do, Dad. You’re trying to make everything perfect for me. Everything easy for Khloe. Damon and Khloe are an impossible proposition. Here comes Alan to fix it. Only you can’t fix anything, Dad. You can’t fix me. And you can’t change what’s going to happen.”
“I’m not attempting to do anything of the kind.”
“You and Mom have been practically throwing Damon at me since I got back from Europe.”
My dad arched a brow. “From where I sit, no one needed to throw Damon at you. The two of you had your own ideas long before I knew anything.”
My cheeks went scarlet. As humiliating a turn as this had taken, I couldn’t back down. This must be said. “I’m ill, Dad. Giving me extravagant things and lavish moments won’t change that. It won’t erase the pain from the past you have over Molly or prevent pain in the future because of me. My life has been wonderful thanks to you and Mom. How much time I have, it’s not so bad if it isn’t a lot. A little bit of wonderful is more than most people ever have. I’ve had nearly twenty-three years of wonderful.”
“I’m not trying to erase the past or prevent th
e future. I’m living in the now and loving you all I can.”
“I’m grateful you love me, but would you stop the rest of it now, Dad? It’s always been too much what you lavish on me. Such a heavy burden because I can’t always be happy. I want to feel it’s OK for me not to be happy and things not to be wonderful for Khloe. Can’t you see how it’s too much to expect from me and needs to stop? No girl has their father find and fix them up with literally a prince.”
“I didn’t find him for you, Sunshine. You did. Damon came here because of you. He pretended he didn’t, but I knew he had the first second you looked at each other in the studio. The only thing I did was keep your mother and me from getting in your way. I want every kind of happiness there is for you, Khloe. But more importantly, I want you to want it for yourself.”
“You’re making me want fairy tales, but I don’t live in a fairy-tale reality.”
“All the more reason you deserve one, Sunshine. Fairy tales were meant for girls like you.”
Chapter Forty-Two
GRANDPA JACK DIED SHORTLY after dawn. My entire family was in the room, except my brother Eric. Jack opened his eyes, swept us with a single glance, and then he was gone. That moment was more peaceful than I thought it would be and the silence that followed, though heavy, was rich with other emotion.
One by one we kissed him and left the room. All but Linda. She wouldn’t leave her chair beside Jack’s bed. In the hallway we stood staring at each other silently.
Then the storm came. Death wasn’t peaceful for the living.
THE DAYS PASSED IN a blur of activity, tears, laughing, loud talking, and my family. I couldn’t keep up with the race of action around me. I didn’t try to. When things moved too fast, too crazy with my family, I wasn’t a part of it and everyone understood why.
It was good that this was a thing they understood without having to explain it. There were benefits to the things we didn’t talk about as a family. It kept me from endlessly explaining why I couldn’t do this or that. I did only what I could, and everyone let me.
I was sitting on the couch in the living room, staring through the one-way window. In the driveway there was a long row of black limos to take everyone to the memorial service. The crowd outside the gates had doubled since Dad had read a brief statement to the press about Jack’s passing.
Passing...such a gentle word for what death was and the pain it left behind in those you love.
I shook my head and stared at the muted flat screen. 24/7 endless coverage of what should have been something private for us. The world stared in at us, we stared out, and neither story told was complete or right.
It made me think of Damon, when his mother died, and I wondered if it had been like this. He’d loved his mother. That was one thing that couldn’t be read wrong about Damon.
The family was in the foyer gathering to go from the house to the cars in front of that media insanity. There were helicopters flying over the house to film every moment of us remembering Jack. The cars wouldn’t be able to pass through the gates without being surrounded by flashing cameras and shouting voices and people suffocatingly closing in on the cars.
They had their world, we had ours. In moments like these we didn’t coexist; we were a single world, each side fighting for turf.
Going out there into that...my heart pumped with fierceness that made it hard to breathe, and I closed my eyes, focusing on happy things to try to calm it.
My brother Eric squeezed my shoulder. I lifted my lids and saw him standing behind the couch. He dropped a kiss on my black curls. “You doing all right, Khloe?”
I nodded, smiling up at him. “I’m sorry you didn’t make it home before Grandpa died. He would have loved to see you.”
Eric’s mouth tightened as he bobbed his chin. “Got to Santa Barbara as soon as I could.”
“I know.” I looked beyond him into the area by the front door and shook my head in a semi-daze. “We haven’t had any time together since you got here. Too much going on always.”
“No. We haven’t.” His fingers lightly squeezed my shoulder. “It’ll calm down after today. Things will get back to normal, Khloe. We’ll have lots of time to visit then.”
“Good. I’ve missed you.”
“Me, too. Are you going to be all right here alone while everyone’s at the memorial? Hana and I can stay behind with you if you want me to. It doesn’t seem right to leave you alone here.”
“No. I don’t want you and your daughter missing the memorial for me. Jack should be surrounded by as many people who loved him as possible, don’t you think?” I brushed away the tears on my cheeks. “And I’ll do better here than I would out there. You know I have panic attacks when we’re surrounded by media mania. I just don’t have the family gene like the rest of you that makes this no biggie. And you know I’m not supposed to risk anything that might get me too worked up and throw me into heart failure. It’s better I stay behind.”
His vibrant blue eyes clouded over briefly. “Dr. Hern will figure out a way to get you well enough to be on the transplant list.”
“Transplant list. Another Right to Try moment for Khloe which may not work.”
“You can’t think that way, sis. Not ever.”
“It’s time for you and Hana to leave.” Linda stood in the entry hall, holding Eric’s daughter’s hand.
He kissed the top of my head and left. I followed him with my gaze and then he moved out the front door with Hana.
One by one, my family left the house for the cars. Even this was a coordinated family effort. Frowning, I wondered why Linda was last. It seemed like she should have been first, given she was Jack’s wife.
The house became quieter minute by minute and then there was only Linda and me.
Linda stepped down into the sunken living room and came to me at the couch. “Your grandfather left something for each one of you kids. I’m supposed to deliver them after the release of the ashes, except yours.”
She took an envelope from her pocket. My name printed in Jack’s handwriting jumped out at me. Fresh tears flooded my eyes as I took it from her. I couldn’t talk.
Linda firmly hugged me and kissed my head. “Read it while we’re gone. He knew you’d be left behind and he thought it would make it easier for you if he was here with you while we were all off doing this nonsense.”
A slight laugh choked out of me. Linda had a way of phrasing things that reduced their emotional impact and made them more manageable.
“Mrs. Parker, it’s time to go.”
Graham Carson was standing just inside the entry, waiting for her.
“Try not to get too upset today, baby girl. Jack wouldn’t have liked that.”
I nodded and watched her leave. Turning the letter in my hand, I shifted my gaze to watch the cars leave with my family.
In the silent house, I sat for a long time, TV muted and the letter unopened. It was almost more than I could bear knowing he’d taken a moment to think of me even with what he was going through himself.
But that was Jack. All the pieces of everything always in his head lovingly and thoughtfully tended. I set the cream-colored envelope on my thighs and stared at it.
These were my grandfather’s last words to me. It was a precious gift to have them on paper in his own hand. Words on paper always felt more real. Something that could last forever if taken care of.
After pushing myself off the couch, I went to my grandparents’ room and to Jack’s desk. I choked back tears when I saw his things lying there. Writing paper. Journals. Unfinished sheet music. I laughed—drugstore pens instead of Mont Blanc, and there it was. His letter opener.
Carefully I guided it beneath the edge and cut it as smoothly as I could. I wanted this letter as intact after I opened it as it had been before. I wanted this letter to last forever.
I sank down on his chair in front of the wall of glass overlooking the Pacific and eased out the paper.
I KNOW YOU’RE TIRED, baby girl. I know you’re w
eak. Fear weakens the heart and the body. As I write this, we’re pretty much in the same lousy boat. But, Khloe, if I could climb out of this bed and do one more thing I would, and no doctor or the people I love would keep me from it.
You can do so much more than you think you can. Don’t waste the seconds of your life afraid to live. The more you push yourself the less weak you’ll be and the richer your life will become.
There are no do-overs.
No tomorrows for anyone.
Only today and what we make of it.
Make the most of your today.
I have a flat in Venice. My own secret special place no one knows about. It’s where I used to go when I was young, feeling broken by the world and couldn’t come home because I was foolish enough back in those days not to make my relationship right with my father.
You didn’t go to Europe this summer. It troubles me, Khloe, that you are giving up and letting days slip away. I was glad you were here with me now, but I want you to go to Venice for me.
Take some time alone. Figure out what Khloe wants. Decide for yourself what Khloe can do. You may be surprised what’s out there in the world for you and how strong you really are, baby girl.
But tell no one. This is between you and me. Cody has the details and can make the arrangements for you to slip away so none of the family knows where you are, to give you a bit of time alone to sort things out for yourself and decide what your life can and can’t be.
I only want two things for you. It’s not a cure or even a long life. Life isn’t measured in health or years, it’s measured in what you do with it.
Find someone to love.
Find somewhere to be happy.
And don’t let anyone or anything pull you from it ever again.
Love, Jack.
Chapter Forty-Three
THREE WEEKS LATER, I sat on the cliffs above the ocean where my grandfather’s ashes had been scattered. It’d taken forever for Mom to agree to let Linda have the release ceremony, so we all just waited. But it was done. Other than Mom and Dad, the rest of my family had gone back to their own lives, and there was only me here with them with no life of my own to return to.
