Is it just “coincidental” that I broke my ankle at the time Father Ubald was visiting, or that I was too ill to speak with him in the hospital, thereby providing the opportunity for Father Ubald to bring healing to me, to Bill, and to our family? Perhaps it is, but I think it is more likely another example of God’s perfectly and choreographed sequence of events.
CHAPTER 33
LOGICAL CONCLUSIONS
“And now these three remain:
Faith, Hope, and Love.
But the greatest of these is Love.”
—1 Corinthians 13 (NIV)
As I consider the story of my life, I recognize that each of my experiences has prepared me for the next one. There is a divine sequence and order to my life, and this sequence prepared me for my greatest challenge to date: the death of my son. Since his death, I continue to cling to my daily creed (the one taped to the fridge), because it reflects the convictions and logical conclusions I already know to be true based on my past experiences.
1. I believe God’s promises are true: God promises not to leave us nor forsake us. God promises to open the door when we knock, and to always welcome us back into his love, no matter how far we have strayed. In my life, He fulfilled these promises when he brought George into my life, when He was with me in the tumbling car, when He showed me and my scuba instructor the way out of the Florida cave, and when I drowned on a South American river. He loved me even when I was an angry adolescent and when I let Him slip into the background of my life. I could be confident that God had a plan for Willie and for us.
2. I believe heaven is real: My patient Jennifer saw the angels. My patient who died after spinal surgery saw angels and described both the angels and heaven to his wife. I experienced heaven first-hand after my kayaking accident. The heaven I witnessed was so pure, love-filled, and magnificent that I did not want to return to earth. When my life still hung in the balance, I was also reassured that my husband and children would be “okay,” even if I died. I have no doubt that Willie was hesitant to leave his family behind and sorry for what we would bear, but I also have no doubt that he was similarly reassured before jubilantly returning to God.
3. I believe nothing can separate me from God’s love: God’s love was present with me when I was spinning out of control, when the truck was stuck in the mud in the middle of the Mexican mountains, as well as during the various times when I was anxious about my personal life or work situations. He held me and loved me when I was pinned in a waterfall and dying. He kept me from feeling pain or worry. The experience of His presence, love, and compassion reassures me that Willie suffered no pain at the end of his life. His spirit probably left his body long before it was broken, and I feel confident that he was greeted by a host of overjoyed and excited witnesses.
4. I believe God has work for me to do: While in the hospital after my boating accident, the angels talked about the work we all do on earth, and they discussed some specifics about the work I still needed to do. Clearly, Willie completed his job on earth. He lived passionately, he loved deeply, he achieved success, and he inspired others to become better people. He accomplished a great deal in his nineteen years and made this world a better place for all. He got the job done.
5. I believe God will see me through and carry me when I cannot walk: There are many cycles in a person’s life, and everyone experiences hurt, worry, disappointment, grief, and other difficulties. It has been said that one cannot truly appreciate joy without also experiencing sorrow. I had survived many sorrows before Willie’s death, some minor and some major. God was with me for each one, carrying me forward until I was able to walk on my own and nurture the very small seed of hope for the future that He buries within each of us. This history allows me the certainly of knowing that no matter how devastated and doubtful of the future I may feel, God will always be there to walk with me and carry me into a joyful future. Each event, whether joyous or sorrowful, has given me greater awareness of God’s role in my life and has led me to a deeper faith in God’s unfailing love.
I still don’t know what the future holds for me. I do not doubt God’s promises and I am grateful for the privilege of having had Willie in our lives. He was a great teacher and role model, a great son and friend. Willie believed that change begins with the individual, and passionately embraced Mahatma Gandhi’s idea: “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” In Willie’s seemingly accelerated life on earth, he accomplished a great deal and inspired others to do the same. He showed others a better way of living. He was certainly the change he wished to see in the world.
He knew who he was and what he stood for. He reached for his dreams. He was kind and always thought about others before himself. He expected each of us to look in the mirror every evening and ask what we, not someone else, have done today to help someone else or to make this world a better place for all.
I do not believe that a loss of the magnitude I’ve experienced in losing Willie is something a person “gets beyond,” “works through,” or any of those other well-meaning, but impossible-to-achieve platitudes. Grieving a loss is a matter of learning to incorporate the pain into a new life and a new reality. As Martha Hickman wrote in her book Healing after Loss (HarperCollins, 2009), “There is no way out, only forward.”
Many have said that my experience is remarkable. Perhaps it is. What I find more remarkable, however, is how readily many people in our society believe outlandish and unsubstantiated urban myths and conspiracies (Pop Rocks and Coke, JFK assassination, AIDS is man-made, etc.), yet disregard thousands of personal and consistent testimonies of miracles and near-death experiences from people throughout all cultures and religions.
I have spent more than ten years reflecting on my experiences and wondering what I am meant to do with them. In this process, I have continued to be what I have always been: a wife and mother, a spine surgeon, a scientist, a realist, and a cynic, yet I am profoundly changed. I know that above all else, I am a child of God. I know that God loves and values each person on earth. I know that we are each only small threads in God’s glorious tapestry, but I also know that our choices and our actions are important and really do make a difference.
This knowledge has changed the way I interact with my medical patients. I recognize how significantly a patient’s emotional and spiritual health impacts their recovery and I am able to use my own experiences to give them hope, even in the midst of substantial disability or injury. I often pray for my patients and, occasionally, with them. I now see my professional role as more of a “healer” rather than of someone who just “fixes” their mechanical problem.
I do not know why God chose to intervene in my life. I have led a very ordinary life. I was raised with religion but never truly claimed God’s promises for myself until I was in high school. I spent little time thinking about my spiritual life when I was an undergraduate student, even though I believe God intervened in my life when I was scuba diving in the Florida Springs. I could say the same for my time in medical school and residency. Like many people, I was consumed by the details and obligations of daily life and by the familiar challenge of balancing the needs of work, marriage, and children. Despite being personally touched by God’s presence in my life, my spirituality did not begin to blossom until I thought about what I wanted for my children.
Since I feel quite ordinary in so many ways, I continue to ask the ordinary question, “Why me?” Why did God choose to give me these extraordinary experiences instead of showing Himself to my cousin who died in the talons of drug addiction or to any of the millions of other believers on earth who have cried out for His help? I am analytical, scientific, and skeptical by nature and by training. I’m not sure I would believe all the events of my life’s story to be true if I had not personally lived each day of them. How can all that I have described happen in one person’s life, and why is it so to stop doubting and just believe?
I do not know all of the answers to these questions, but I do know that millions of people are in dire need of k
nowing God, receiving His love, experiencing His presence, and accepting the truth of His promises.
People ask why so many miracles occurred in ancient days but not in our present time. I contend that there are just as many miracles occurring today, in the lives of ordinary people. But I also assert that most of us don’t look for miracles, don’t recognize them for what they really are, and don’t really believe them to be of divine origin even if their miraculous nature is noticed.
My life’s experiences would argue against the concepts of coincidence and luck. It would support the belief that there is only the guiding presence and plan of God, who uses His assortment of angels and messengers to lead us and communicate with us.
King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes that “people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end” and I would heartily agree. We live our lives in forward motion, but only understand them when looking backward. I therefore challenge you to keep a six- to twelve-month journal of coincidence. In that journal, write down the details of every “coincidence” you experience. In one column, write the details of each major event in your life … What are/were the circumstances surrounding your acceptance into college, meeting your significant other, finding your job, choosing where you live, and so on. Note every time the arrangements easily fall into place. Similarly, every time you struggle with a situation write down the eventual outcome. Write down the “bad” things that happen to you or others and, in an adjacent column, list what happens as a direct or indirect result of these bad things. I believe that when you look back through your journal at the end of your exercise, you will clearly see how many of people, events, decisions, and outcomes are interconnected. I think you will see a pattern of linkage that cannot be attributed to statistical chance. You will see evidence of God’s work in your life, giving assurance that God has a plan for your life. You will begin to recognize coincidental events for the miracles they really are, and you will know that God is with you even in times of sorrow, loneliness, or other misfortune. To paraphrase what Chad Long once said: “Let’s not let life muddle what happens. We are all part of a miracle.”
It is written in Hebrews 11:1, (NIV): “Faith is being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we do not see.” Martin Luther King, Jr., translated this into the world of action when he stated: “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
It is this faith that sets us free. It allows us to fully embrace life, dissolves fear, and replaces worry with hope. Faith allows us to confidently walk with God into a future filled with joy; one that can become an extraordinary and amazing adventure.
God created us, knows us, loves us, and guides us. With love and grace, He commands us to:
• Rejoice in this knowledge always.
• Live a life of prayer, giving glory to God and continually listening for His guidance.
• Live a life of gratitude, giving thanks in all circumstances.
GIVING BACK
“You can give without loving,
but you cannot love without giving.”
—Amy Carmichael
A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be given to charitable organizations that strive to:
• Share God’s grace and love in our country and the world.
• Encourage individuals to make each day and each choice matter, and to work to make the world a better place for all.
• Promote responsible stewardship of the world that has been given to us.
• Help bring people into a loving relationship with God.
For further information, please visit:
www.DrMaryNeal.com
On this website, you will find information about the specific non-profit organizations to which donations are made. You will also find a means by which you can suggest other non-profit organizations that should be considered.
Q&A WITH DR. NEAL
Since the publication of my book, I have answered many questions about the details of my experiences. Some of the most frequently asked questions are addressed below.
Where is Jesus in this story?
I believe Jesus was holding me, comforting me, and reassuring me when I was drowning. I also believe that it was with Jesus I was conversing when sitting in the beautiful field during my out-of-body experiences. I did not clearly state this when I wrote the first edition of my book because I still felt uncomfortable with this claim. I am an ordinary person, and it seemed so presumptuous and arrogant to think that Jesus would take the time to be with me.
Do you belong to a church?
I regularly attend church services and have served on the board of elders, but I believe that loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength is of the greatest importance. I live in a beautiful and mountainous area and many people claim the mountains as their church and believe they can worship God there instead of within a building. That can certainly be true but the question, as is often posed by my pastor, is not can a person worship God while in the mountains, but will that person worship God while in the mountains? Regardless of the harm that some individuals have done in the name of God or while hiding behind the doors of the church, I believe the institution is greater than the individuals within it. Churches provide a place of gathering for people who share common beliefs, support and encouragement for each other in faith, a place to find insight into and teaching about God’s Word, and they provide a time and place where people can leave the world behind and focus only on their spiritual relationship with God. Just as God can meet us wherever we are, the variety of denominations allows for accommodation of people in all stages of spiritual growth.
Are you just doing this for the money?
I, too, am skeptical of the motivation of many people, but God has given me these experiences for a purpose, and I am trying to be obedient to what He has asked of me. Proceeds from the sale of this book help support several non-profit organizations (the current list of charities supported can be found on the “Giving Back” page of my website).
Why did it take so long to write your book?
I believe that the fact that I really, really did not want to return to earth is an important part of my story. At the time of my kayaking accident, my four children were quite young, and other than telling my close friends and church about it, I didn’t speak much about my experiences because I never wanted my children to think that they weren’t enough of a reason for me to come back. I was a surgeon, wife, and mother of four, which did not allow much time for writing, and, frankly, I didn’t want to do it. I was not a writer and was a very private person. Ultimately, God’s timing is always perfect; I finished writing the first complete draft hours before my son’s death.
Why should I believe you? Aren’t you just trying to convince people of your way of believing?
The job I was given was to share my experiences as accurately and precisely as I can. This is all I am trying to do.
What did the people look like who were with you in heaven?
The people/beings were brilliant. They had physical form but seemed to be wearing flowing robes such that I did not see distinct arms or legs. I did see their heads, but their brilliance seemed to blur the edges such that their features were indistinct. They seemed neither young nor old—just timeless. When I had my out-of-body experiences while in intensive care, I saw children playing at the far end of the field in which I was sitting.
What did Jesus look like?
I believe Jesus was holding me when I was still underwater. At that point I heard Him speaking to me but did not see Him. I believe it was Jesus with whom I was conversing in the sun-kissed field during my later out-of-body experiences. He was sitting on a rock while I was sitting on the ground and, like the people who led me down the path to heaven, He was wearing some sort of flowing robe and exploded with beauty and brilliance. His hair was long. His features were indistinct. I don’t know how to describe this but my greatest impression of His appear
ance was that of love (yes, I realize we don’t typically “see” love, but as I said, I don’t know how to describe this phenomenon of “seeing” something we would normally “feel”). He conveyed the impression of complete love, compassion, kindness, and infinite patience.
Did you see pets?
I did not see animals, but I experienced only a couple of places and have no idea about the things and places I did not experience.
What were your injuries, and why didn’t you arrange for a medical evacuation?
I am surprised that readers have wanted to know the details of my injuries, but here they are: In one leg, I suffered a tibial plateau fracture, a meniscal tear, and tears of the posterior cruciate ligament, the posterior capsule, and the collateral ligaments of my knee. In the other leg, I suffered a proximal tibia and fibula fracture, and tears of the posterior capsule and collateral ligaments, and a stretch of the posterior cruciate ligament. Basically, my knees bent entirely backward upon themselves in order for my body to exit the kayak. By the time I arrived in the emergency room, I also had developed pneumonia and severe respiratory distress syndrome (basically a shock reaction of the lungs to trauma), which is a condition that dramatically decreases the ability of the lungs to transfer oxygen to the bloodstream. Supplemental oxygen and supportive care are important, but other than allowing time for the lungs to heal, there is no particularly effective treatment for this condition, and it often leads to death. I initially had oxygen saturation levels in the 40s (normal levels should be 80–100), increasing to the 60s with supplemental oxygen. Generally, these levels are not sustainable without expecting severe organ damage. I developed deep venous thrombosis in my legs, which required anticoagulation, and I underwent multiple surgeries and extensive rehabilitation. I did not suffer brain injury, and eventually my legs healed as well as could be expected; I certainly live with the long-term consequences of my physical injuries, but I have been able to return to many physical recreational activities.
To Heaven and Back Page 13
