by Jo Leigh
Ten a.m. tomorrow morning was the deadline he’d set for himself. He’d make a decision if he had to flip a coin. The indecisiveness was intolerable. For each pro there was a con, for every logical thought, an emotional backlash. He’d even considered asking for a temporary delay, an exception, which was laughable considering.
Tony Wagner hadn’t helped matters. He’d called, and when John had told him he hadn’t yet come to a final verdict, instead of doing them both a favor and telling John to go to hell, he’d almost doubled the salary, and increased his days off to six weeks a year, which didn’t include the days he wasn’t flying.
Through it all, though? Cassie. John had latched on to her with the desperation of a man about to fall off a cliff. But she was both balm and curse. Her words kept him from sleeping. Dead of night seemed to be saved for self-awareness and there was no more painful a place to be. When it was light out and he was alone in the suite, that was when she came to him in sense memories and vivid daydreams. He could recall her in such detail it was a little frightening. The sounds she made, the softness of her inner thigh, her hair as it fanned across a pillow. He—
His cell cut into his thoughts. It was Sam. He almost shut it down, but he couldn’t. It was Sam. “Hey, buddy.”
“Where the hell have you been?”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been having a weird week. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine, but...”
“What?”
Sam cleared his throat, which meant he was nervous. “Are you avoiding me because you think it’s a bad idea? Me calling Emma?”
The non sequitur took John a moment. “No. You thought I wasn’t calling because... No. I think it’s fine. I hope for both your sakes that she’s amenable. You two were friends.”
“Okay, then. What do you mean, weird week?”
John smiled. “Just, you know.”
“No, I don’t, so you’d better fill me in. You always call back, even if it’s to tell me to stop calling. Talk to me, Devil.”
John started to waffle, but the idea of being indecisive about one more thing made him want to stab himself in the eye. “I’m not sure I’m going to reenlist.”
The silence filled all the empty space there was, until, “Why not?” The question was asked carefully, in a modulated tone. Sam was good at the neutral inquiry, had it down to a science.
“I got another offer. A great deal of money to fly a jet for a very rich man. Everywhere. First class all the way.”
There was another sizable pause. “Did someone hit you in the head with a baseball bat? You’ve never loved anything in life the way you do being a fighter pilot.”
John shrugged, although Sam couldn’t see it. Thankfully. Because if he could, he’d see the flush that had heated his face. “It’s hasn’t been the same. I mean, the flying is good. It’s great. I love it. I do. It’s everything else.”
“You’re gonna need to be more specific there, ace.”
“It’s not any one thing. It’s the bubble. That we live in. The way we’re treated. No. That’s not right. The way we expect to be treated. As if we’re owed something. That we’re special snowflakes and everyone who isn’t flying is support personnel, no matter what they—” Shit. “I didn’t mean—”
“Okay, no. I get it. I really do. This all boils down to me and Danny.”
“What? No, it doesn’t. Not everything’s about you, you jerk.”
“But in this case it is about me. I’m fine, John. I’m fine. Sometimes it hurts like hell that I can’t get up there again, but mostly, I’d rather be doing this than any other thing I can think of. The air force is my family. I fit. So do you. So did Danny. And you’re not dishonoring him or me by continuing to fly. Life doesn’t work that way. It’s random, and there’s no reason for you to feel any guilt for things you didn’t do.”
John found himself staring at a spot on the carpet, a well of sadness choking his chest and throat. He couldn’t do anything but wait until it passed. Sam didn’t rush him.
“She said that I was still grieving.”
“Who’s she?”
“This woman I’ve been seeing. Cassie. She’s a bartender at a dive out by Lamb. But I’m not sure she’s right. I don’t think it’s grieving, exactly. I do have a new perspective, though. About what’s important and what’s not. Being a fighter pilot was the only thing I ever considered doing, you know that? It’s the only thing my family considered. I was good in science. I had a teacher once who told me she thought I’d be an excellent doctor. I laughed. I just... A fish doesn’t know it lives in the water. I’ve never been out of the pool.”
“All right,” Sam said. “You’ve got a point. I’d say, if we were living in a world where they weren’t cutting back on fighter pilots, that you should give the private job a try. See what it’s like on land. Maybe you should anyway. With your experience, the air force will more than likely take you back if you change your mind.”
“But they may not.”
“True. Which makes your choice a difficult one.”
“Tell me about it. I’m driving myself nuts.”
“Just consider one other thing, okay?”
“What?”
“That maybe your dissatisfaction is based on something other than the military.”
“Like...?”
“I don’t know. Maybe being all Top Gun all the time is getting old.”
John thought about Rick and the others. How they were spending their days, their nights. Then it occurred to him that they were all still in their twenties. “Huh,” he said.
“Let me know what happens. Whatever you decide.”
“I will. You call Emma. Don’t chicken out. I think she’ll be glad to hear from you.” John hung up, and for the first time since he’d gone on leave, he didn’t separate thoughts of his future from thoughts of Cassie.
* * *
THE BAR HAD ONLY been open an hour, and there weren’t many people at the tables, or in the back. Not even Gordon and his pack had made it in yet. What was strange, though, was that Tommy had arrived before anyone else.
He was sitting close to the wall, near the silent jukebox. The bar itself had been wiped down, the kegs were full, the stock filled, even the recycling bins had been emptied. Cassie couldn’t remember the last time he’d come in to prep the place. He hadn’t done much in the bathrooms, or washed the floors, but Lisa had arrived shortly after Cassie, and the two of them tackled the labor-intensive work.
No one said anything, no teasing him about his sudden transformation. But he kept staring at her. Every time she looked up, he seemed to want to say something. Finally, she’d just had it.
She went over to his table, brought them both a couple of tonics and lime. “Okay, I’m here, and I’m all yours.”
“I was getting there,” he said. “But what I have to say isn’t easy for me.”
“You may piss me off, but you’re still my big brother. So talk. We’ll work it out.”
He nodded. Shifted in his chair, squeezed his lime until it begged for mercy. “I wasn’t here the other night because I was drunk.”
“I figured,” she said, hoping the discussion would improve soon.
“I was drunk because I was ashamed. You were right about the whole gaming license thing. Len, the lawyer I was hanging with, he wasn’t really a lawyer.”
Cassie closed her eyes for a moment. It was hard to watch Tommy blush like a kid. Fumble his words.
“He wanted to rope me into a pyramid scheme, and I lost some money. Not everything. I didn’t touch the savings.”
“I’m glad.”
“I don’t know,” he said, barely meeting her gaze. “I wanted something good to happen. Something big. I’ve been feeling so useless.”
She reached over and touched her brother’s hand. Just for a second. “I get that. I do.”
“That guy? That air force officer? I wouldn’t have yelled at him like that, except I was embarrassed.”
“I know.”
“Not just about that night, either. I was embarrassed because I was so angry at him for having the life I’d always wanted.”
Cassie tried to figure out what he meant, but she couldn’t. “What life would that be?”
“I knew you guys thought I was crazy to join the air force. I said it was for school, and it was. But what I didn’t say was that I wanted to go to college so I could become an officer. I wanted to be an officer in the air force for my career.”
“Tommy, why didn’t you say anything?”
“You already thought I was a fool. And when I got hurt, I knew you were right.”
“I never thought that,” she said.
“Mom and Dad did.”
“Yeah, well, they haven’t exactly made the best decisions themselves. I’m just so sorry that your dreams fell through.”
He sighed. Took a big old swig of tonic. “You got me thinking, though. The bar, it’s not the same kind of life or anything, but it’s still something. We have a hell of a customer base for a place with no gaming.”
She smiled. “We sure do. That has a lot to do with you.”
He shrugged. “More to do with you, truth be told. But that’s gonna change. Because I want to see you go after your dreams. You’ll be a great psychologist. You’ve got a way with people. Everyone sees that.”
She didn’t know what to say to him. It was hard to think of dreams coming true when she’d been in so much pain. John hadn’t called her in days. He was already back at work, she knew that. She’d figured he’d at least come and say goodbye. Maybe have a beer on the house.
“Why are you crying?”
Cassie touched her cheek. Wiped away the wetness. “I hadn’t meant to. I haven’t meant to do a lot of things.” God, the water works wouldn’t stop. She’d tried so hard not to cry. Not to care. It had only been a temporary thing. A few days. It made no sense to be heartbroken like this.
“Talk to me, I’ll do my best to listen.”
She sniffed. Used her napkin to wipe her face. “I went and did something so stupid, Tommy. I went and fell in love with that stupid flyboy.”
“Oh, man. Lisa was right.”
“Hmm?”
“She said you were hurting. That if I could put aside my ego for five minutes, I’d see you were in pain. I didn’t want to believe her, because you’ve been so strong. Strong enough for both of us.”
“I don’t feel very strong,” she said. “I haven’t been sleeping too well. He never even—”
Tommy had leaned back, was staring straight past her with a question in his eyes.
Cassie turned to find Lisa hovering right by the jukebox. Her friend jerked her head to the right, and Cassie followed the nod.
Standing just inside the doorway, Captain John H. Devlin stood tall, dressed in his sharp blue uniform, his cap underneath his arm. He looked like something out of a recruitment brochure, and for a minute, just the sight of him threatened to undo her, but then she noticed the look on his face wasn’t arrogant at all. He looked as if he was hurting.
After he straightened his already stiff back, he approached the table. Stopped just a few feet away. “I’m sorry to interrupt. If this isn’t a good time, I can come back tonight.”
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I’d like to speak to you. But I only have an hour. I didn’t want to wait any longer, so I took a chance.”
“Go,” Tommy said. “Go on. Get. You’ll want to hear what the man has to say.”
Shaking, hating that John could probably still see the red in her eyes and the tracks of her tears, she stood up. He breathed out as he waited for her to get to his side. Then he touched her elbow and led her into the farthest corner of the bar.
After a quick look to make sure they were really alone, John caught her gaze. “First, I’m sorry I haven’t called you. That was me being a coward, and I apologize for my unkindness.”
She couldn’t speak just yet, but she managed a nod.
“The truth is, I haven’t stopped thinking about you for more than ten minutes. Not since we talked at my place. In my car. You made me think. I had to get over myself quite a bit to get there, but after a while, I couldn’t deny the truth of your words.
“I’ve decided to reenlist. The air force is where I belong. They need me, and frankly, I need them. But there are some considerations that need to be addressed. And all of them start with you.”
“Me?”
He took her hand in his. “If I do sign up, I’ve been offered an assignment at Nellis as a test pilot. That means I should be stationed here for a long spell. There are no guarantees, but that’s how that program usually plays out. I still might be deployed, there is that to consider, and I can’t promise they won’t change their minds in a couple of months. But God willing and the creek don’t rise, it seems that Vegas will be home for the foreseeable future.
“What matters more than that, though, is that I would do whatever is necessary to make sure you become the kind of therapist you want to be. I’ll support you in every way. I know you’ll be brilliant at it. From experience.
“I don’t want you to change who you are, either. Being a military wife is challenging, but it doesn’t mean people can’t be happy. That you can’t live a life you’d love. Thing is, I want a true partner. Not someone who can throw a great party, although I’m sure you can. What matters to me is that I’d have someone who would always tell me the truth. And who would look to me for the same in return.”
He took a deep breath and leaned slightly forward. “If the picture I’ve painted isn’t something you’re interested in, well, as I said, I haven’t signed the papers yet. I couldn’t until I spoke to you.”
Cassie was spinning. She felt as if she’d had the air knocked out of her. In a good way. But... “I think you might have missed a few steps there, Captain.”
John blinked. Then he seemed to get it. “Oh. I love you. I love you like I never expected to love anyone. That discontent I was feeling, it turns out, it was the flying. But not just that. It was everything. I got up in the cockpit this morning, and it wasn’t the same as it used to be. It wasn’t enough. Because what was missing all this time, was you.”
She had to take a minute. Replay each word he’d said in slow motion, just to be really clear she wasn’t making things up. She even touched his arm, the fabric of his uniform as real as the floor beneath her feet. It also took her some time to recognize that the look in his eyes was hope.
“Well, thank goodness you finally got your head clear. Because it turns out I love you right back.”
His grin started small, then got much bigger. “You do?”
She nodded. “Despite your disappearing act. I hated that we hadn’t said goodbye.”
“We don’t have to now. That is—”
“No. We don’t have to. I think I can do this pilot’s wife gig. As long as you’re serious about me not hosting too many parties. I’m really tired of serving people drinks.”
He put his cap on the closest table, then took both her hands in his and pulled her close. “Thank you,” he said. “For being amazing. For loving me, despite my selfishness. I’ll try to do better.”
“You’re pretty fantastic just the way you are.”
He kissed her then. Deeply. It went on for quite a while. She barely noticed that the jukebox was playing “At Last.”
* * * * *
Keep reading for an excerpt of Lying in Bed by Jo Leigh!
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1
SPECIAL AGENT RYAN VAIL tossed the brochure on the bed. The amazingly comfortable-looking bed, which was a far cry from most of the rat holes he’d been stuck with on various FBI stings and stakeouts. The Color Canyon Resort and Spa was a decadent oasis in the middle of the Las Vegas desert built for people with cash to spend and a yen for excitement and being pampered.
Ryan settled against the headboard, the puffy comforter billowing around him. Straight ahead was a forty-two-inch flat-screen TV. There was a wing chair, a leather love seat, an extravagantly stocked minibar and, if he turned his head to the right, beyond the private patio was a view of a nice little courtyard with a pool and spa pool all in the shadow of the Spring Mountains. It might be February in the rest of the world, but in the Vegas desert it was a balmy seventy-two degrees with copious sunshine on the docket for the rest of the week.
He grinned, pulled out his cell phone and went right to speed dial text.
You’re gonna die when you see the bathtub.
He hit Send, adjusted the pillow behind him and checked out his work stuff. Another email update on Delilah Bridges, one of the cotherapists in charge of this barbecue. Four people ran the Intimate At Last retreat weekends, all suspects in a major blackmail scheme. Unfortunately for them, they’d unwittingly targeted a friend of James Leonard, the Deputy Director of the FBI.
Ryan’s phone rang, and he knew it was his partner without even looking. “Jeannie Foster. How’s my favorite witness for the State?”
“Shut up, you bastard,” she said, her voice echoey, as if she were speaking in a vast hall. Or a toilet stall.
Of course, he’d taken a picture of the big-enough-for-a-party whirlpool tub, which he promptly sent her. A moment later, the mother of two cursed him with her usual flair.
