by Drew Sera
I closed the journal and set it on the coffee table and risked a glance at him. Jesus. His knuckles were white from gripping the side of his jeans. Tears were running down his face. I think seeing so much of this in writing, by his own hand, was ripping him apart.
“Anth, I’m never taking Sydney away from you. And Blake would never be ashamed of you. I’ll tell you something you may not know…Blake thinks the world of you. I knew it very quickly after joining Irons. He would have helped you, just like Matt or me.”
He nodded rapidly while trying to contain his sobs. My phone and Anthony’s both lit up on the coffee table.
BE: I’m just pulling through your gates. Won’t ring the doorbell. Don’t want to wake Sydney.
“Fuck,” Anthony said and took a deep breath.
His deep breath created a cough as he stood up. I hope Blake can say all the things that Anthony desperately needs tonight because he’s a wreck. I pulled him into a hug and held onto him for a moment. I felt that it was appropriate to coin a variation of his own phrase that’s told Sydney multiple times.
“The ‘r’ word doesn’t define you or control you.”
I followed him downstairs and to the entryway. He opened the door, and Blake’s expression went from calm to concerned.
“Hey, Blake. I’m s-sorry for dragging you out s-so late. I just needed to t-talk to you,” Anthony said.
Blake knew that Anthony was fucked up right now and he could tell that I needed him to be able to help Anthony.
29
Friday, March 14th
Blake
I had just put Kelsie to bed after her bath and our dirty story time when my phone vibrated.
AG: I need to talk to you tonight if you’re still up.
BE: Of course. Want me to call?
AG: Can you come over?
Damn. I’ve known over the years that if Anthony reaches out, whatever is going on is already to a bad state.
BE: I’m on my way. Is Colin home?
AG: Yes. Sydney is safe.
I knew Sydney would always be safe with Anthony. But I knew from my earlier chat with Colin that he had a dinner thing tonight with the hotel mogul.
I stood on the doorstep, and when Anthony opened the door, I saw the twenty-three-year-old young man that I remembered all those years ago in that hotel room after his biological father died. He leaned against the door, wiped his eyes on his sleeve and invited me in.
“Evening, Colin,” I calmly said and stepped inside. “What happened, guys?”
“I can’t s-stop…cr—”
Anthony started to say and then hid his head behind the door. I exchanged glances with Colin, and my level of concern was growing. Colin pulled Anthony away from the door and closed it. He held his arm around Anthony’s shoulder as they stood across from me.
“Anthony has had a really fucked up day. He dropped this morning, and I am guessing this afternoon still. Then he and Sydney had a heart to heart in paper form.”
Anthony waved a notebook in his hands as he looked down.
“He has some stuff he wants to share with you. I already read it. It’s some stuff he needed to get out.”
Colin thumped his hand on Anthony’s arm and pulled him closer. I was happy to see that Anthony was receptive to some physical closeness. But I was deeply concerned over the fact that he looked like he had been crying all night and he was obviously shaking.
“Anthony, let’s go for a ride,” I said and reached for the door knob.
Colin pulled a jacket out of the closet and handed it to Anthony, and he shared another look with me. Anthony headed towards my car and Colin grabbed my attention.
“He’s a mess, Blake.”
“I know. Don’t worry about him for a little bit. I won’t let him out of my sight.”
Anthony was quiet for a few minutes and then asked where we were going.
“Just relax. Where’d you take Sydney for dinner?”
“McDonald’s. Sydney loves it.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. That girl loved the simple things. I was trying to gauge what and how much he had eaten.
“What did you guys have?”
“Food.”
Smart ass.
“Kelsie likes it there too. When she sees an advertisement for Hello Kitty toys in the happy meal, I’m frequently there,” I told him.
I pulled into a twenty-four-hour car hop type of place and ordered two Cokes. Coke was Anthony’s comfort, and my goal was to comfort him right now. We sat there quietly for a few minutes and his hand still firmly held onto his notebook.
“Want to drive around for a bit, or is there somewhere you’d like to go?”
“Home. Colin’s…not my high-rise.”
“Anthony, I never doubted where your home was. Would you like to talk there?”
“Yes, sorry for dragging you out tonight.”
“Nothing to be sorry over, Anthony. I’d stay out all night with you.”
“Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been there for me. You know what? I wished you had been my dad. Everything would have been different.”
I blinked back a few tears to concentrate on the road. I heard more sniffles from him in the passenger seat. Anthony’s emotions were all over the place.
When we got back to his place, I followed him inside, and Colin came downstairs. I told him that Anthony said he’d rather talk here. It was probably best. This was where he felt the best. It was where there was wall to wall love. Anthony sat down on the couch and found a page in his notebook and held it out to me.
“I can’t vocalize most of this, but I got it out and shared it with Sydney today. Colin read it too. You should know, too.”
I took the offered notebook as he stood and then began pacing.
“Anthony, sit down.”
He sat down close enough to me that I was able to put my hand on his shoulder. Under my hand, he seemed to relax, and I began reading.
After I read it, I squeezed his shoulder, hoping he’d look up at me.
“I, uh…really regret pushing you away that morning you found me, Blake.”
I gave him a few moments before I said anything because I really felt like he was trying so hard to get this out.
“I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what happened. I knew how I felt though and I knew what it reminded me of. And since I thought of you, like a father, I was afraid for you to find out. I didn’t want you to be…disappointed in me.”
“Anthony, why—”
“Would I think you’d be disappointed?” I nodded. “My dad was. After he found out what happened, I could never really look him in the eye. He knew and had seen everything. Shortly after I moved in with him, he started the lawsuit against the school district. I hated it. I had to talk to attorneys about it and testify and confirm all the pictures were me. The evidence was all there, of course, but the school district was trying to get out of full responsibility for Connor’s actions. I hated sitting there listening to them argue and defend him. Each time I tried looking at my dad; he either looked disgusted or was looking at the ground. I knew he was disappointed.”
I took a deep breath as I watched Anthony. He has, and probably always will, feel as though he let his father down. He fails to see what I saw the one and only time I met his father.
“Anthony, you didn't let him down, and he wasn't disappointed with you. I only met your dad once; remember, it was at your college graduation. Remember how wary he was of me?” He laughed and nodded. “He watched your reaction to everything, and my guess is, that he did this often with you. That way he could catch something before it got under your skin. If anything, Anthony, your dad was disappointed in himself. I'm not going to get involved in playing a ‘what if’ game, but if he had maintained contact with you, I think he would have seen what was going on and he would have removed you from the situation. That lawsuit was as much for him as it was for you. He slept better at night knowing that the school district, your mother, and stepfather paid som
ehow.”
Anthony nodded and looked down. He was finally voicing some things that I don't think he believed he ever could. And now, this Victor mess. I squeezed his shoulder and jostled him, making sure he wasn't daydreaming. He looked up at me, and I handed him back his journal.
“You have a girl that loves you and would stop a speeding train for you. Sydney is so brave to have tackled this with you on paper.”
He nodded and smiled.
“She was fuming and sad.”
“Anthony, I knew very quickly that morning what had happened to you. You were so out of sorts. Every reaction you had, you followed it up with an excuse, and they all rolled right off your tongue as if you had been making similar ones before in your life. Unfortunately, days later you showed me the police and medical report, and I understood why those excuses came so easily to you. You had been making excuses for everything since before kindergarten. But as I watched you move around your high rise that morning, I knew. My god, furniture was moved, you were picking up pieces of clothes that were bloodied or torn. Then I watched you fall apart in your kitchen. You were such a mess, and you didn’t notice that I was right behind you, Anthony, when you looked in the trash can and saw that condom wrapper. I was so sick with worry. I had wanted so badly to just grab you and keep you from moving. You were so frantic, and I knew your head was going out of control. I kept you with me, because it was the only thing that I could do to keep you safe and from falling apart when you put the pieces together. I can't recall when the last time was that I worried like that. I didn't sleep that night. I sat up in the chair of your room and watched you struggle in your sleep. It killed me.” I took another deep breath and jostled him again. “Look at me, Anthony. This ‘r’ word that you're so scared of and worried about. It happened and is in your past. You have got to accept that before you can move on. Get this weight off your shoulders.”
“But…I consented.”
“Listen to me, I heard the sounds from the video. I never heard you consent to sex.”
Anthony stood and put his hand under his shirt on his stomach. He needed badly to get this out and stop making excuses.
“I told him that I didn’t care what he did.”
Anthony paced the length of the great room, holding his stomach and wiping his eyes with his arm. He was still mumbling excuses as he walked. I couldn’t watch him do this anymore. I got up and stood in his path, and when he stopped just in front of me, I put my hands on his shoulders.
“Look at me, Anthony.” With his red and watery eyes, he looked up at me. “Victor didn’t ask you if it was ok to penetrate you. That vital piece of the negotiation process was missing.”
“I consented though. I told him I didn’t care.”
“Anthony, how could you consent, when he didn’t ask you? I heard him ask about impact implements but never heard him ask about penetration. You can’t consent to something that isn’t asked,” I said firmly, but gently.
He nodded and looked down. Movement in his shoulders alerted me that he was crying before I heard him. I pulled him into an embrace and held onto him. Colin approached and put his hand on Anthony’s back.
“You have got to let go of this guilt, Anthony.”
I could feel him trying to take a deep breath.
He and I sat downstairs for a while after Colin went back upstairs. I think tonight was a huge step for him and hopefully, he can leave the guilt behind him. It was close to 2:30 in the morning when he walked me to the front door.
“Can I ask you something, Blake?”
“Of course.”
“Why didn’t you and Cathy ever have kids? You would have been a pretty amazing dad,” Anthony said as he walked in front of me.
He made me smile, and I was flattered by his compliment.
“Even though Cathy and I never had children, I have a son,” I said to him as I stood on their porch.
“What? You never told me! How old is he? Does he live in Vegas? Why don’t you ever talk about him?”
I stared at him incredulously. How could he not know?
“I think about him almost every single day. And, I’ve told you.”
“Uh, no you haven’t. Nice try.”
“Would you like to see a picture of him?”
“Yes,” he said and stepped closer while I pulled my phone out.
I scrolled through my pictures and found one from Anthony’s birthday gathering last weekend. It was of him ripping the paper off a football helmet. I handed him the phone and watched him comprehend what I was telling him.
“I’ve always considered you my son, Anthony. And I love you like a son.”
When I had left him, I felt confident that Anthony was doing much better than he was when I got there. Deep down, I think Anthony knew he wasn’t at fault over what happened with Victor. But it was easier for him to tell himself that he was.
30
Friday, March 14th
Colin
Sydney was curled up on Anthony, and they were both still fast asleep when the alarm clock went off. I began kissing Sydney’s shoulders and made trails of kisses until I got to those dimples just above her ass.
She slept through the night after she worked herself up into a fit of tears. While Anthony was with Blake last night, she and I talked about what we had read in Anthony’s journal. She ended up crying and falling asleep in my arms.
But now she was draped over Anthony, and I needed to fuck her. I spread her ass cheeks apart and licked her asshole until she woke up. I gave her butt a playful, but firm smack and was rewarded with her smile. I lubed myself up and guided Sydney into a position where her head would be near Anthony’s dick. I slowly pushed my cock into her ass and held still.
I couldn’t contain my smile when she started to bounce against me. After working her ass over and watching Anthony guide her head up and down his cock with her mouth, I unloaded in her while she was licking Anthony. Anthony announced his orgasm loudly with a deep moan.
The three of us spent a little time coming down before we went to take a shower. While Anthony and I got ready for work, we asked Sydney what she planned to do today.
“Write.” She said enthusiastically.
I nodded and moved to her and kissed her forehead.
“Good girl, baby. Are you going to sit inside or outside?”
“Inside. I don’t really want to be outside without you guys by me.”
“It’s okay, sunshine. You keep your sexy ass inside,” Anthony said as he crossed between Sydney and me, gave her butt a swat and then kissed her.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them the news about Cheng and the Las Vegas property. Last night just wasn’t the right time, but I told them during breakfast.
“So, something great happened last night at dinner with Cheng,” I said and looked at them. “Cheng is building a property here in Vegas.” I looked up at Anthony and said, “We will be his exclusive gaming company.”
“What?” Anthony asked and leaned back in his chair. “Are you serious?”
“Anth, this is what we’ve worked so hard for; an exclusive contract.”
A broad smiled appeared on his face, and he leaned over and thumped me on my upper arm.
“Fuck, that’s incredible, Col. Congrats, man!”
“Congratulations to both of you,” Sydney cheerfully said.
“Thank you, baby.”
Even though last night was bumpy, I had a really good feeling that things were picking up for us. The day at the office was great, and my legal team, Mitch, Anthony and I went over the exclusive Cheng contract with were satisfied with it.
Sydney was kneeling and waiting for us when we returned from work. Anthony and I took turns slowly fucking her mouth in the entryway. After we both filled her mouth and belly with our cum, Anthony carried her to the great room and cuddled her in his arms. I flopped down next to them and just gazed at both of them for a few minutes.
“How was your day, baby?” I asked her while stroking her ch
eek.
“Good, I wrote a lot today.”
“That’s wonderful, baby. That makes us happy to hear.”
“What did you write about, sunshine?” Anthony asked her as he kissed her head.
She had hesitated with responding to Anthony, which made me nervous. Sydney seemed to be in a good mood, so I hadn’t picked up on her potentially being upset when we came home. If I had, Anthony and I wouldn’t have used her mouth like we had. I reached over and tilted her chin upward so she’d look at me.
“What’d you write about, Sydney?”
“Um, do you guys want to see?”
If she offered to show us anything in her journal, Anthony and I would always seize that opportunity. It was always good for him and me to grab hold of a chance to delve inside her mind. Things that she couldn’t say or verbally tell us were often found inside her notebook.
“Of course, baby. Is it in your writing room?” I asked her.
She smiled and nodded at me. Before we went upstairs, Anthony took his dress shirt off and guided Sydney’s arms into it. She looked so tiny in it. Anthony climbed the stairs ahead of us, and when we reached her writing room, we all sat down on her blue couch, with her in the middle. Sydney held a notebook on her lap and asked us which one of us wanted to look at it first. This was one of her new notebooks. She must have filled up the other one because I don’t recall seeing this one too much. Anthony and I were both anxious to look but had remained calm as not to make her nervous.
Anthony motioned for me to take the book first and I accepted the open journal from Sydney. I quickly skimmed the full page and tried to pick out words that might give me a reason to be on alert. Nothing at first glance jumped out at me. I frowned and started at the top, then onto the next page and the next.
“Col.”
I looked up when Anthony said my name. He had Sydney wrapped up in his arms, and she was leaning her head against his chest. I could see the questions in his eyes and wanted to relax him. Shaking my head, I smiled and asked Sydney about what she had written.
