by Croix, J. H.
I swallowed through the knot in my throat, emotion spiraling inside of me, a wild storm of feelings and confusion. My mother and I didn’t talk like this. All these years since she moved up here with me, we’d had a polite, but distant relationship. Before that, the unspoken was the reality of life with my father. Though her actions spoke volumes, I’d never expected her to be this open about my childhood and the choices she had made before she finally broke free.
If she was aware of how flabbergasted I was, it didn’t show. Her eyes were warm as she looked over at me.
“If I could do everything over, I would,” she said softly.
I couldn’t bring myself to speak yet and simply stared at her. After a moment, I managed to get the emotion barreling through me under control.
“I never thought you’d say that out loud,” I finally said.
She took a sip of her coffee and nodded slowly. “I can see why. I was ashamed for a long time. I can’t change the past, but I can change the future. I don’t expect you to suddenly be close to me, but I’m going to try to be more honest with you. When Gloria told me about you and Levi, I was so happy. And then I got worried, worried you would be as strong as you are and not let anyone in. I don’t expect you to let me in, but please don’t shut everyone out.”
Her words struck so close to home, it stung.
Somehow I got through the rest of our coffee break without having a full on meltdown in the middle of Firehouse Café. I even managed to give her a hug when I left.
That night, I lay in Levi’s bed because like the foolish, lovesick girl I was, I couldn’t bear not to sleep in his bed. I tried to will myself to find the resolve I needed to move past my feelings, but my willpower had dissolved into nothing. All I could think about was how much I missed him.
* * *
The following day, I arrived at the job site and was surprised when Amelia wasn’t there. Usually, she arrived as early as I did. If not, she reliably called. When I called her, there was no answer. A sense of foreboding rose inside. Normally, I would just get to work, but my gut told me something was afoot. I turned my truck around and headed to our office.
Entering the office, I found Amelia sitting at her desk, architectural drawings scattered across the desk before her and her eyes damp with tears
“What’s wrong?” I asked quickly.
“It’s Cade. Their helicopter didn’t make it to Fairbanks last night like it was supposed to,” she said softly, her voice low and wooden.
My heart flew into my throat. A question flew out. “Do we know where Levi is?”
She shook her head slowly. “No. I just got off the phone, or I would’ve called you before.”
I sank into the chair across from her, scrambling for something to hold onto inside. My heart felt as if it were actually cracking. My breath came in shallow bursts.
“What do we know?” I asked carefully.
“Everything I just told you,” Amelia replied, her eyes blank.
“Let’s call Maisie,” I said.
If anyone could scrounge up more information, Maisie could as the dispatcher for Willow Brook Fire & Rescue.
I leaned over the desk, tapped the speakerphone button and dialed Maisie.
Maisie answered immediately. “I’m guessing you’re calling about Cade and Levi. I was just about to call you two.”
With my heart thudding and my gut churning, I stared at the speaker, as if the speakerphone itself could solve this entire problem.
“What do you know?” I asked, looking across at Amelia.
Maisie started talking quickly. “I just got off the radio with Beck. He and Cade are fine. I knew you’d be panicking, and I was about to call you. The wind picked up yesterday evening, and it was getting dark because they waited too long for Jesse and Levi. So they landed and camped out instead of flying all the way to Fairbanks. The pilot radioed the update, but somehow no one called us here. They’re already on their way in. Another helicopter is headed out to pick up Levi and Jesse, but no one‘s heard from them this morning.”
On the heels of Amelia‘s sigh of relief, I promptly burst into tears.
“Lucy? Are you okay?” Maisie asked, sounding rightly confused.
Everything was crashing through me. I hadn’t had the courage to tell Levi I loved him and I’d known it for days. Even worse, I’d had a meltdown in our last call and hung up on him. Now, I didn’t even know where he was, or if he was safe.
Amelia gathered herself and quickly explained since all I could do was cry. “Uh, Lucy and Levi kinda have a thing.”
“A thing?” Maisie asked.
“Yeah, and it’s heavy.” Amelia caught my eyes and shrugged. “I know I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut, but this is kind of important.”
“It’s okay,” I managed in between sobs.
“Maisie, how soon can you find out where they are?” Amelia asked, steady and practical now that she knew Cade was safe.
Maisie spoke calmly, the voice I’d heard her use many times when I stopped by to visit her at the station. As the dispatcher, she was used to talking to people calmly no matter how upset they were. I’d never expected myself to be in this situation with her. She was my friend, and her even voice soothed my frayed nerves.
“We know precisely where they were when we last heard from them. It’s just the reception is terrible there. We’re guessing the battery on their radio died. I’m sure they’re fine,” she assured me.
I didn’t hear much else while she and Amelia continued talking. Before I knew what was happening, Amelia gathered me up and was driving me out to Cade’s parents house. I was simultaneously overwhelmed with emotion and numb, as if my internal circuits had overloaded. I didn’t even realize where we were going until she pulled up in front of their home.
“What are we doing here?” I asked, glancing over to her.
“We’re waiting with Cade’s parents. It’s a good place to wait because his dad’s the police chief, so he’ll get updates right away. He has a good friend up at Fairbanks Fire & Rescue,” she explained.
I started to protest, but Amelia ignored me completely. I followed Amelia into the house, feeling out of sorts and embarrassed at how emotional I was.
Gloria and Brad were there. This should have surprised me, but it didn’t. Willow Brook was small and everyone knew everyone. Cade’s mother immediately thrust a cup of coffee in front of me and started making everyone breakfast.
Gloria reached over and gave my hand a squeeze, her grip warm and firm. Everyone was bustling around me in the kitchen with Cade’s mother, Georgia, serving breakfast and coffee, while others chatted at the table and kitchen counter. Georgia insisted on serving me scrambled eggs and toast even though I only picked at my food. Cade’s father, who also happened to be the police chief for Willow Brook, had called from the station to report that the locator beacon for Levi and Jesse was still active and precisely where they were expected to be.
Apparently, they didn’t expect the helicopter to be able to get out to them until later this afternoon due to poor visibility. Rain had rolled through the area overnight, which was great news for the fire, but terrible news for getting an update soon. Everyone was assuming their radio batteries had died. Beyond the fact I felt as if a storm had lifted me up and slammed my heart broadside against a wall, I was annoyed that no one else seemed too rattled.
I discovered I had no idea, none whatsoever, what it was like for Amelia to have Cade out in the backcountry for weeks at a time. My stomach was churning, my heart felt heavy, and I was terrified.
Plain terrified. I desperately wanted to talk with Levi. More specifically, I wanted to erase our last conversation. Why, oh why, did I have to go and have that meltdown? It felt so childish now.
Now, all I wanted was a chance to tell him how I felt. I didn’t even care if he didn’t return my feelings.
I lifted my gaze to Gloria’s and swallowed against the tight, achy feeling in my throat and chest. The sensation of emotion h
ad moved past an abrupt tightness to a dull ache because it had been there for over an hour now.
Gloria gave my hand another squeeze before releasing it. “He’ll be fine.”
The confidence and firmness in her tone seemed ridiculous to me.
“How can you know that?” I asked.
Her eyes held mine, far too perceptive and far too knowing. “It’s just a feeling. I’m not so silly as to think I can’t be wrong. But I know my boy, and I don’t have any sense he’s not okay. He’s about as resourceful as a man can get, and he’s with Jesse who’s just as resourceful. They’ll be fine. You heard the update. They’re outside of the area where the fire was contained and last night’s rain helped in that regard. There’s absolutely no way they would’ve walked back into the fire. They both have sidearms, so if anything were going to hurt them, they would’ve been able to dispatch it. I think they’ll be fine because all of the information I have tells me they will.”
The barest hint of a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. I wanted to believe her. A tear rolled down my cheek, and she handed me a tissue.
“You sound so sure,” I mumbled as I wiped my tears.
“It’s confidence based on being practical,” she offered. “Let’s not think the worst. Certainly not when it isn’t necessary.”
She paused to take a sip of coffee, and I idly stirred my scrambled eggs with my fork. Gloria‘s voice broke through my hazy thoughts.
“I believe Levi’s in love with you.”
My heart started drumming inside my chest again, as if hope itself was beating a drum.
“What makes you say that?” I asked.
Gloria had said as much to my mother, but I was curious to hear why she believed Levi loved me. Not to mention I was desperate to know.
She smiled softly and angled her head to the side. “Just the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you. I know my son well. He’s a good man, and I don’t say that because I’d like it to be true. He really is. You’re the first woman he’s ever brought over for dinner.”
My surprise must’ve shown on my face because Gloria laughed.
“So you didn’t know you had that place of honor? Absolutely. Levi’s fairly private for the most part. He’s dated here and there, but not once has he ever even mentioned a woman to me, and he’s certainly never brought one home for dinner. Now don’t go thinking that’s the only reason I think he loves you. It’s part of the equation because it tells me you mean something to him. The other part is I see how he looks at you and the way he is around you. He loves you.”
I didn’t realize my mouth had dropped open for a beat and snapped it shut when I did. Whether she expected me to say something in return or not, I didn’t know. My words, pushy words, announced what I’d been hiding even from myself until this morning.
“I love him too,” I blurted out suddenly. “Now I’m scared that something happened to him.”
She held my gaze for a beat and nodded slowly. “It’s rather terrifying, isn’t it? Falling in love, I mean. I understand why you’re worried right now. I am too, but I think he’ll be okay. All the information that we have tells us he probably is. So hold on tight, and I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to tell him that yourself.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Levi
A raven flew above us, calling loudly to another who returned its call from the trees. I dragged my sleeve across my face and glanced over to Jesse. We had successfully chased off the nosy moose yesterday evening. By that point, it was well past dusk and any chance to fly out for the night had passed us by. We’d set up camp for the night and were now waiting back at the clearing where a helicopter should arrive soon to pick us up. Should being the operative word here. Both of our radios were dead, in addition to our cell phones. My backup battery had lost its last bit of juice late last night.
Jesse was definitely in pain, but he was hanging in there. I was relieved his injury appeared to be minor. His ankle was swollen and bruised from where he slipped and jammed it against some rocks, but it was nothing more than a nasty sprain. We had plenty of ibuprofen to take the edge off of his pain.
I finished chewing my snack bar and caught his eye, handing him the thermos of coffee we were sharing. We were down to snack bars and freeze dried goods for food, but we had plenty of coffee left, so we’d made some with our camp stove.
“Any idea when they might make it?” I asked.
We’d camped where we were last night and walked the remaining half-mile or so to the clearing where the helicopter would hopefully pick us up soon. Jesse glanced at me as he took a swig of coffee and shrugged.
“Dunno. It was pretty cloudy this morning. Looks like it might clear enough this afternoon for them to fly out.”
“How’s that ankle?”
He shrugged again. “Eh, it hurts, but it could definitely be worse.”
I pointlessly snagged my radio off the ground again. The battery had died at some point last night when I’d left it on by accident. Meanwhile, Jesse had dropped his in the river this morning. He’d fetched it out, but not before it shorted out from getting drenched.
I wondered if anyone was worried outside of our crew. I figured our crew likely wasn’t too worried. They’d known we were set for the night. Lucy gave a wave in my thoughts. She was permanently lodged in my brain. Restless to get home and see her, I hoped like hell she missed me.
Through my disrupted hours of half-sleep last night, I’d let go of my frustration with her shutting me out. I knew what she’d shared with me had to have been hard for her. It wasn’t as if I didn’t understand why she was skittish. I needed to be patient because she was worth the wait.
I leaned against my gear bag, watching as the sun finally broke through the clouds. It had rained during the night, which should’ve given a good dousing to the fire. We could use a few more days of rain, although I’d take a few hours of clear skies to get out of here.
A raven called again from the trees nearby. Glancing over, I saw its dark form perched on a spruce tree. The fire hadn’t reached this part of the forest, so the trees were still lush and green. The scent of the charred trees in the distance carried our way. This fire had been burning for several weeks now. Fires burned like this in the summers out West. You’d only hear about them in the news when they were threatening communities, but they could burn for weeks in the Alaskan backcountry without a peep. We occasionally coordinated planned burns to manage areas.
The raven in question lifted from the trees and flew over near us, landing on the ground, maybe only ten feet away. I watched as it pecked at the ground, realizing it was likely feasting on some crumbs left from the guys yesterday. Half of our crew had hung out for a good bit before they’d been flown out, all of them tired, hungry, and chowing on whatever snacks they had left over.
The raven meandered closer. I watched curiously as two more ravens flew down to join in, clearly deciding Jesse and I were no threat. They busily cleaned up the crumbs we couldn’t see. I adjusted my angle and looked out in the distance. It was beautiful out here. The sound of the nearby river running over the rocks soothed me. This part of the interior was a mix of rolling hills and flat tundra, the beauty stark. An eagle flew above, its call sharp and distinct.
I gulped in a deep breath of the clear, chilly air, thinking a shower would be good about now. As a hotshot firefighter, I was used to going many days without much more than a dip in a river or lake, but once I knew we were close to civilization, I got impatient. At the moment, I was weary and anxious to see Lucy, hoping upon hope that she wasn’t keeping her distance from me anymore.
* * *
A few hours later, I watched as the landscape rolled underneath me. Fred had flown in during a break in the clouds. The clouds were already thickening again. Fred expected we’d make it back to Fairbanks before the visibility was too low, for which I was damn relieved. Between wanting to get Jesse’s ankle looked at and make sure he was comfortable and missing Lucy like crazy,
I was ready to get closer to home.
Pulling my cell phone out, I glanced at the dead screen. This battery had lost its charge days ago. Fred had assured me he’d already radioed that we were safe. I wanted to talk to Lucy, but that wasn’t happening. Not just yet. With a sigh, I put my phone away and leaned back in my seat, closing my eyes.
“Why are you pissed at your phone?” Jesse asked from the seat beside me.
Opening my eyes, I rolled my head to the side and caught his curious gaze. “Just hoping to call my parents and Lucy.”
He looked confused and then his gaze cleared. “Oh yeah, she’s been staying with you. Well, we’ll be in Fairbanks soon. You can call there.”
I didn’t know what look passed across my face, but he arched a brow. “I think I missed something. Is Lucy more than a friend?”
For a beat, I considered not saying anything. Fuck it. I wasn’t going to keep hiding everything.
“She might be more than a friend. Actually she is,” I finally said. “Here’s hoping she sees it that way too.”
Jesse smiled slowly and chuckled. “Lucy Caldwell, now she’s a tough one.”
“Trust me, I know,” I replied, my mind spinning back to our last conversation.
I rolled my head to look back out the window, watching as the trees disappeared beneath us and the mountains near Fairbanks came into view. Our helicopter touched down shortly thereafter. Inside of a few minutes, we were being hustled into the station. I checked in with my crew first, made sure Jesse was set up with the medical team and then hunted down Cade, not even bothering to say hello when I reached his side.
“Can I borrow your phone?” I asked.
At his look of confusion, I explained, “Mine’s so dead, I can’t even make a call on it right now.”
He chuckled and handed his over. “Let me guess, you’re calling Lucy. She’s at my parents’ place with Amelia. I already called over and let everyone know you’re fine.”
