by Nesly Clerge
Another guard was seated several yards away. “He’ll monitor the visit,” Ted explained.
Starks sat in the hard plastic chair and lifted the modified telephone receiver, waiting for his friend to do the same. “Man, is it ever good to see you.”
Jeffrey rested his elbows on the counter. His left hand held the receiver in a tight grip. “What’s with the long hair?”
“Not my choice. I’ll get it cut as soon as I can.”
“How’re you holding up in here, bro?”
A moment of silence followed before Starks asked, “Any chance you know how my family’s doing?”
“I check in with your mother once a week to see if she needs anything. They’re all fine but they want to visit you.”
“No way. My mother would be too emotional.”
“I get why you wouldn’t want Emma to come here. But your family? Even if your mom acts like herself…” Jeffrey shrugged.
“I’ve humiliated them. And I damn sure don’t want them to see me like this. Bad enough you have to. They wouldn’t be able to keep their disapproval from their faces. I couldn’t take it.”
Jeffrey nodded. “Yeah, I know how they are. But they care about you. I think they’d put pride aside so they could see you; see that you’re safe.”
Starks leaned toward the glass and lowered his voice. “I’m not safe. I got into a fight with a gang leader, and now he wants to kill me. He’ll either do it himself or get one of his soldiers to do it. Already got a death threat. I’m in isolation, but the guy or someone he pays off could still get to me, one way or another. That’s why I asked you to come here. There’s something only you can do for me.”
Jeffrey’s face paled. He imitated Starks’s posture and moved his face closer to the partition. “Shit, bro, this is serious. What’s being done about the guy?”
“It doesn’t work that way here. Once you cross the threshold of a place like this, the rules change.”
“What can I do?”
“Remember Lewis Mason?”
“What about him?”
“If you recall what he said about his time at Waltgate, he became a threat so no one bothered him again.”
“I’m not following you.”
“I want to know how he did it. Talk to him. Ask him to visit me, tell him why I want to see him. Help him arrange the visit. That reminds me, I need to add his name to the list. I’m trying to get moved back into the general population, but I don’t know when that’ll happen; it could happen as early as next week. I need to talk to him before that happens.”
“I’ll see what I can do.” Both men were quiet then Jeffrey said, “I have some good news.”
“I could use some.”
“Hessinger’s out of his coma. And get this. While he was unconscious, his wife got the scoop on his extracurricular activities. She’s filing for divorce. Waited because she didn’t want anyone judging her for filing against a comatose husband.”
Starks sat motionless for a moment then his chest heaved. “Thank God. A life sentence is no longer a threat. The icing on this is that his wife learned what a loser she’s been married to. I’m sorry for her and the kids, but they’re better off without him.”
“I was relieved when I heard. I want you to get out of this place.”
“Anything else?”
“Spoke with Kayla.”
“What’d she want?”
“Primarily to tell me about Hessinger.”
“I wonder if she’ll cheat on her new lover and go back to Ozy.”
“Kayla’s not the type to deal with damaged goods.”
“I’m in here because of that cheating bitch.”
Jeffrey rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I love you like a brother, but you know I’m all about fairness. I kept my comments to myself when you slept with all the women you did, spent all the money on them that you did. I’m not saying what Kayla did was right. But your score is way higher than hers. Maybe you need to ease up on the anger, for everyone’s sake.”
Starks strained to compose himself. “You’re taking her side?”
“No way. But facts are facts.”
“Facts are facts, huh? I may not make it out of here alive. Because of her. Having an affair is one thing; nobody’s perfect, including me. Maybe my affairs didn’t help the situation but she’s been lying and cheating for years.”
“Again, sorry, but… glass houses, bro.”
“I can’t believe you, Jeffrey. You think you know Kayla? You don’t know shit about her. She fucked Bernard Hazely in college. Did you know that? After being with him for just a few months. But according to her I was the only one. How about the guy on Twitter that she fucked? How about the fact I caught her more than once looking for a hotel room? Not to mention all the inappropriate encounters with all those men at her job. What about all of that?” He let out a breath. “The red flags were there. I was just an idiot for not paying attention.” His gaze fixed on Jeffrey. “She’s a liar and a manipulator. You’re making me think maybe she has you fooled.”
“Bro, your anger’s going to eat you alive if you don’t do something about it. And, I’m not fooled. I’m trying to be fair. You may get pissed off with me for what I’m about to say, but it needs saying. You didn’t make it easy for Kayla. She knew about the strippers and the flings. You’re damn lucky she never found out about Cathy and Kyle.”
“That’s enough!”
“Maybe it is, and maybe you need to look at the bigger picture. How do you think she’d feel and react if she found out you had a child with Cathy; that you paid toward his care and hers? What about Michelle? You fell in love with her while married. Got me involved with covering for you with Kayla more times than I care to remember, until she found out about her.” Jeffrey pointed at Starks. “You don’t think any of that was painful for her or would be if she learned the whole truth?”
“Yes, everything you said, and more, happened. Cathy was a mistake. A big one. And I did what I had to do to end it with Michelle, which was to call her in front of Kayla and say I was going back to my wife. Because that’s what Kayla wanted me to do. I did love Michelle, but I was wrong and accepted it; did what was needed to save my marriage and my family. What happened when I told Kayla to do the same about Ozy? You remember her response?
Jeffrey nodded and murmured, “Yeah.”
“That’s right. She told me no. First she contemplated it but then she started talking to her friends and family. All of a sudden it’s, Why does she have to show her love for me?”
“I’m probably going to piss you off again, but why was her calling Ozy in front of you so necessary? If you loved her, it wouldn’t matter where she did it.”
“Are you fucking serious? After all the crap she’d been involved in, she couldn’t—wouldn’t—compromise and make that call to save us, like I did? When I think of all the compromises I made for this godforsaken marriage…”
“If she’d done what you asked, would you have gone back to her? I mean, let’s be honest, she wasn’t the woman you thought she was.”
“You’re missing the point. I did it for her when I screwed up. She was supposed to do the same for me. That’s what people do in a marriage. Compromise. Do what you have to do to make it work. And one more thing, I never spoke negatively about Kayla to any of the women I was involved in. Not like she did with Ozy and others about me. And I always made it clear from the start with any woman I got involved with that I was married and not leaving my wife for them. I told them we could have some fun and they’d be spoiled for as long as it lasted. That they should count on it not lasting. I gave them a choice.”
“And that made it okay?”
“Maybe not. And maybe you think I’m overreacting about everything—then and now. But I’d like to see how you or any man would feel if he found out his wife told her friends that being physically intimate with him made her want to vomit. That shit’s not easy to hear.
“She had the nerve to tell me she wasn’t wro
ng to do what she did. Said it was just my bruised ego I was concerned with, not with her. Said I was furious because she liked having sex with another man, and that she could sleep well at night because she didn’t feel guilty about meeting her needs, because I couldn’t. She didn’t say wouldn’t. She said couldn’t. Kayla actually asked me what made me think she ever wanted Ozy to leave his wife. Can you believe that shit? At least common street whores respect themselves enough to get paid.”
“She was probably angry and hurt when she said—”
“She said it deliberately, to crucify me.”
“Maybe so.”
“And another thing. I read her and Ozy’s text messages to each other. He talked to her like she was a prostitute, and she accepted it. I never could have gotten away with that. She thought he treated her so well, with respect. Hunh. I read one of her texts to him about how wet his kisses made her, how much she loved his body and how it felt to touch him, have him inside her. What a load of crap. And after she poured that and more out to him, do you know how he responded? ‘It was fun.’ And those sweet words made her hot for him?”
“Bro, you’re torturing yourself. You need to stop.”
Starks lurched upward. His chair fell over; its clatter to the floor echoed in the room. “She was my goddamned wife!”
The guard shouted, “Keep it calm or end it.”
Starks righted his chair and said to the guard, “It’s fine. Just got some bad news.” Seated again, he pressed the received hard against his ear. “The only thing I did wrong was care too much about her. I wish I could be as cold-hearted as she is, but I can’t.”
Jeffrey chewed on his bottom lip. “I remember how you felt when you found out she was in that accident and got knocked unconscious.”
“I called everybody until I found where she was, so I could make sure she was okay. She ignored me, refused my calls; told my children to tell me not to call her. Then the very next week, she needed money. Suddenly, she found the phone to get me to sign papers to release more money for her.”
“You know Kayla’s stubborn.”
“Stubborn my ass; it’s a lot more than that. She only asked for more money because she had that parasite at the house.” He clamped his jaw tight and gritted his teeth. “The thing is I was genuinely worried about her. If something more serious had happened to Kayla, who was going to step up to take care of her, besides me? Bret? He would have left at the first sign that his cash cow was down.”
“You did the right thing in that situation; she didn’t behave appropriately. But this is Kayla we’re talking about. I know you still care about her—maybe not for her, but… If you didn’t, you wouldn’t get so worked up when the topic of her comes up.”
“Fuck it. I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t even look at her, don’t want to hear from her. Even when that woman’s name is mentioned, it only brings up hurt and pain. I don’t want to talk about her. Kayla’s dead to me. Don’t mention her to me again.”
“Listen, the fact is this: Nobody involved in this mess is innocent. But you’re right. Let’s not talk about her. There’s something else I need to bring up. Cathy contacted me. She needs money.”
“Give it to her.”
“I will.” Jeffrey looked down. “She still talks about Kyle.”
“I think about him too. Five years old when he drowned. All because of Cathy’s negligence. What a waste of a life. Still, she’s not a bad woman. Give her whatever she wants. She knows I’m in jail. Who doesn’t? Just don’t mention or discuss anything about me with her.”
“Emma’s been calling me nonstop since… since the incident. She loves you, bro.”
“The word love used to mean something to me. Kayla crushed all meaning out of it.”
“I get why you feel that way but life without love is—”
“Don’t be a fool, Jeffrey. I was.”
“Being a fool for love isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a guy.”
Starks motioned with his hands. “Look around. Maybe you want to rethink that.”
“So, what about Emma?”
“Besides you, and Mason, I don’t want anyone else to see me like this. Don’t get me wrong: Emma’s got a good heart and admirable qualities.” He chuckled. “I use to say the same thing about Kayla. Look, Jeffrey, life is just fucked up. You have the right formula—stay single as long as you can or forever.”
Jeffrey checked the wall clock behind Starks. “Had to store my watch with my other stuff in a locker. Took everything but my clothes so I could pass inspection. Sorry, bro, I got to get moving. I thought I could stay longer but my schedule changed at the last minute.”
“You reach Mason yet?”
“Yeah. But he told me to wait to talk when we meet, which’ll be soon.”
“You’ll take care of everything?”
“Absolutely. And so you know, the business is doing well.” His smiled faded. “We had to remove you from the board of directors. But your portion of the profit is going into your mother’s account, the one you’re the beneficiary of.”
“I’m not worried about any of that now, but thanks for looking out for me.”
Jeffrey stood. “I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.”
“Thanks for coming. You’re a good friend.”
Jeffrey nodded. He kept his gaze fixed on his friend. “Take care of yourself.”
“I’ll do my best.”
With a final wave, Jeffrey, his lips pressed together, walked to the door on his side of the partition. He didn’t look back before walking through the door the guard opened for him but Starks knew his friend well. The stiff set of Jeffrey’s shoulders said enough about how his friend was feeling.
CHAPTER 47
TOO MANY PAINFUL things had come up during his conversation with Jeffrey, including rage he now wished he’d suppressed. But what the hell was Jeffrey doing? He said he wasn’t taking Kayla’s side but he’d never commented about Starks’s actions before. He had no idea Jeffrey even had those thoughts.
Kayla. The woman was like a hot rash: He felt compelled to scratch it, or rub it raw. Would his anger finally have dampened fifteen years from now, he wondered? A larger question loomed: did he want it to?
Then there was Kyle. What a bad start and finish that poor, beautiful boy had been given: illegitimacy then early death by drowning.
And Cathy. Tears had streamed down her cheeks when he’d yelled at her, “How could you leave a five-year-old unattended? Just how fucking careless are you? You were careless enough to get pregnant then careless enough to let him die. Like that.” Her guilt and his money had kept her from revealing that he was Kyle’s father.
Had been. Past tense.
Jeffrey was the only other person in his life who had known about Kyle. Except for a few drunken, tearful episodes with his friend, he’d had to go through his grief in silence. He certainly hadn’t wanted to share that grief with Cathy. Nor had he gone to the funeral—he couldn’t afford to be seen there. He’d gone to the grave a week later, alone.
The relief he’d felt when Cathy moved to Rhode Island six months after the funeral had been beyond description. The last thing he wanted was to ever see her again. Her face had become perpetually etched with guilt and loss and was more than he could stand. It dragged him down. Anything or anyone in his life that did that was removed or modified to his liking. It had to be that way. Otherwise, life became too cluttered, something he couldn’t and wouldn’t tolerate.
Maybe his notion about true friendship was flawed. Jeffrey had always been and still was a true friend, right from the start. Especially when it came to keeping secrets.
God, I’m such a hypocrite, he thought.
He’d judged Kayla for her secrets, for her indiscretions, while his own life was rife with both. Nor had he been as careful as he could have when it came to keeping his affairs secret from her, just as she’d been careless. Demory would probably ask if their carelessness was deliberate. He shook his head; such a
question made no sense.
Cathy, of course, had been the exception, because of Kyle. Poor Cathy. She’d loved him. She still loved him because he was the father of her child. But he’d never loved her. He had loved Kyle. Or was he lying to himself about that? Did his feelings for the boy have more to do with pride at fathering another son, instead of love?
Maybe Demory was right about how judgmental he was, about how he thought more about his feelings than what was going on for others. All this time he’d condemned Kayla when he’d been doing her dirty. Maybe faulting Kayla had become a habit. Something, he was beginning to realize, he relied on too much, like an addiction. Or maybe trashing her was keeping him sane. He didn’t want to think about what Demory would say about that.
He didn’t want to think about any of these things anymore. At least not today. He wanted to entertain different thoughts, like getting tips from Lewis Mason; like getting transferred out of the Hole and back into a regular cell.
Life had become an endless loop of problems needing solutions.
In the recesses of his mind he heard Demory ask:
How many of your problems are of your own making?
CHAPTER 48
STARKS WAS HALFWAY across Demory’s office when he asked, “Have you given the general population matter more thought?”
Demory glanced up. “I know you’re eager to get out of isolation, but I need to believe it’s the right move.”
Starks flopped into the chair. “I don’t know how much longer I can stay in isolation without losing it.”
“I get that. Let’s see how today goes.” Demory held his pen poised over his notepad. “How’d the visit with Jeffrey go?”
“Good. A little tense at times, but I guess that was to be expected.”
When nothing more was added, Demory asked, “Want to talk about it?”
“Not really. I mean, we were happy to see each other. He caught me up on business and such.”
“I heard you got upset at one point.”
Starks puffed air through his lips. “It wasn’t anything. Just something about a difficult client. I felt bad about not being there to help out. That’s all.” He jiggled his feet up and down then stopped and leaned forward. “Look, Doc, the thing that’s on my mind is getting back into general population. I know what you just said, but being alone as I am gives me too much time to think about the past. Talking with Jeffrey… I was always so social. Having no one to talk to most of the time is affecting me, and there’s nothing to do. I’ve never had nothing to do. At least in general population I can get a work assignment or get into some programs. Anything to get my mind onto other things.”
