The Starks Trilogy (Book 1 & 2)

by Nesly Clerge

  And each time in the chow hall, Bo and his cronies sat in the same place, but no confrontations were started.

  How long would this odd peace last?

  He could almost hear the ticking.

  CHAPTER 51

  TWO DAYS LATER, Starks lay looking out the slender window when he heard footsteps of more than one person coming toward his cell. He hung his legs over the side of the bed, reached for his left shoe then stopped when he saw Lawson and a guard at the threshold.

  “All right, Lawson,” the guard said, “See if you can keep yourself out of trouble.”

  “You bet,” Lawson answered. “Had enough of the SHU.”

  “Right.” The guard looked at Starks, shook his head then left.

  Starks slid to the floor and held his hand out.

  “Thanks for what you did. You took my punishment.”

  Lawson looked surprised but shook hands. “I did hit the guy. But, hey, we should look out for each other. If you’d spoken up, a lot more shit would’ve gone down. There’re penalties for that in here. You did the right thing.”

  “Thanks. I mean it.”

  “Was I missed at chow time?” Lawson laughed.

  “No one fought to take your place.”

  “No problems?”

  “Bo and his band of thugs kept their eyes on me. The guards kept their eyes on them.”

  “What are you gonna do about Bo?”

  “I’ll think of something.”

  “Better think quick. Bo’s itching to pay you back.”

  “I have a friend who dealt with this kind of thing in Waltgate. I’m hoping to get some tips from him.”

  Lawson whistled. “Even rougher there than here.”

  “He’s out now but he survived; earned respect or, at least, no one messed with him after the first few attempts.”

  “I bet you and me can figure something out. Two heads… you know?”

  They spoke on and off for hours, sometimes going quiet to think their own thoughts. For Starks, it felt like the metaphorical floodgates had opened.

  During the conversations, Lawson admitted to cheating on his wife more than once, which had led to divorce. Starks admitted his own infidelities.

  “Man, I didn’t like my wife,” Lawson said, “but you were married to a serpent. Women like that… you don’t see the attack coming and then wham!” Lawson slammed his fist into his palm. “That serpent’s pumping its poison into your system. Pain’s followed by confusion. Confusion’s followed by—”

  “Prison?”

  Lawson barked a laugh.

  “You know,” Starks massaged his temples, “I never thought of it like that. You’re right. I was snake-bit the first time I saw her. It just took a couple decades for the poison to fill my bloodstream.”

  “Know what the real bitch of it is?” Lawson leaned in. “No matter all that cheating shit you did, you loved the woman. Know how I know? Because you’re still hurting, man. You don’t care anymore, you don’t hurt anymore. Her fangs are still latched onto your balls.”

  Starks pounded his forehead with his fists. “You’re right. She’s pretty much all I think about.”

  Lawson sprawled onto his bunk, punched his pillow a few times to shape it. “I gotta get some shuteye.”

  “Thanks, again, Lawson.”

  Starks hoisted himself onto his bed. He propped his arm behind his head and lay looking at the moon. His cellmate had called Kayla a serpent: She was. But she’d loved him initially.

  Was he absolutely sure of that, or did he need to believe it so that his entire life didn’t feel false, or so he didn’t have to face the fact he could be deceived so easily by others, and himself?

  Kayla had deceived him from early on in their relationship. But there was no denying he’d put her through a lot as well. And his indiscretions had been more public, at least at first. The realization that his actions may have caused her to stop loving him stung.

  Starks drifted off to sleep with one final thought: he and his wife were both serpents in their own way, and each had been poisoned by the other.

  CHAPTER 52

  THE NEXT MORNING after breakfast, Starks waited in line for five minutes to make a call. Jeffrey answered his cell phone after one ring.

  “Hey, bro. Listen, I’m sorry about saying what I said.”

  “Forget it. About Mason—”

  “Talk about your perfect timing. I’m with Mason right now.”

  “Let me talk to him.” He heard the phone being handed over.

  “Long time, Starks,” Mason said.

  “It has been. I don’t have a lot of time. You know my problem?”

  “Jeffrey filled me in. There’s a situation about my getting approved for a visit, though, since I was inside once.”

  “I didn’t think about that. Maybe Jeffrey can get it worked out. But that could take longer than I may have. Tell me something I can use now.”

  “Not a good idea to communicate that here and now. You understand me?”

  Starks closed his eyes and rested his head on the phone. He’d forgotten that Mason, after he’d finished his time in prison, had told him that phone calls were often listened to. “Thanks, Lewis. Put Jeffrey back on.”

  “Great to talk to you. Here’s your buddy.”

  “I’m back, bro.”

  “Do what you can to get Lewis approved for a visit, as fast as you can. Call Demory, see if he can help. Maybe since he sped up your approval, he can do something about Lewis’s.”

  “What should I tell Demory?”

  “The truth. That Lewis has been there and can offer a type of support no one else can. No offense, Jeffrey.”

  “None taken.”

  “I have to go. The line behind me is getting longer.”

  “Wait. I… I have some unpleasant news.”

  Starks gripped the receiver. “One of my children?”

  “No. They’re fine. It’s Kayla.”

  “What about her?”

  “She’s filing for divorce.”

  “Damn her. Not what I needed to hear.”

  “There’s more. It’s worse.”

  Starks ran a hand through his hair. “What could be worse than that?”

  “She’s pregnant.”

  Starks hit the wall with a fist.

  “Bro, you okay?”

  “No. But I will be.”

  “You’re taking it better than I thought.”

  “It is what it is. I’ve got bigger, more immediate problems. See what you can do about getting Lewis here.”

  “I’ll do what I can. And, bro, stay safe.”

  “Do my best.”

  Starks hung up but held onto the receiver for support. He struggled to breathe, felt his knees go weak. The truth he’d denied to everyone, including himself, gripped him, staggered him: Despite all that had happened, despite all his anger and bitterness, he’d believed he and Kayla would stay married. For better or for worse. She was filing for divorce and carrying another man’s child, at her age. What the hell was she thinking?

  He’d told himself that she and Bret were nothing more than infatuated with each other. That Bret was a rebound relationship—from him, though, not from Ozy, who’d never intended to marry her.

  He sucked in a ragged breath. His family was truly broken.

  The inmate behind him said, “Yo! Let go of the fucking phone.”

  Starks nodded and walked away.

  When he looked up, he realized he was standing in front of his cell, unaware how he’d gotten there. The last thing he could afford to do was walk around in a daydream. He needed to get a grip.

  Too many people and issues were throwing him off these days.

  If he continued to let that happen, he might as well paint a bull’s-eye on his forehead.

  CHAPTER 53

  STARKS PAUSED IN front of his usual chair in Demory’s office then lowered himself into it like a man in pain.

  Demory watched and waited a few moments before speaking. �
��Is everything okay?”

  “Never better.”

  “Is there a problem with being back in general population? With your cellmate?”

  “No and no. This guy’s okay. Take my word for it.”

  Demory tapped the end of his pen on his chin. “You want to tell me why you’re so low?”

  “Lack of sleep. Adjustment, you know. But it’s fine. I’m fine. Let’s get on with it.”

  “It’s your call. What do you want to discuss today?”

  Starks slouched in the chair and stared at a spot on the ceiling. “When I first noticed a shift in our relationship. For me it was work and more work. The business went through a patch where it needed even more of my attention, which didn’t sit well with her. Months went by with no sex, even though I begged her.”

  “What went on in your mind about that?”

  “At first I thought she was just pissed off at me. Then I started thinking about that guy with the text messages. Wondered if she was cheating. Wondered if I wasn’t getting it, maybe it was because she was giving it to someone else. I told her as much.”

  “What’d she say?”

  “That I was paranoid because I was guilty. Guilty of never being available except for quickie sex. When I told her she should be good to me because of all I was doing for her, she said my lack of attention had turned her off from wanting sex with me.”

  “That had to be difficult to hear. Did you feel her complaints were valid?”

  Starks looked directly at Demory. “Of course there was some validity, but I loved her. I was doing everything I could to provide for my family. That’s how I show love, you know, like what you said before. I made sure she had a nice car and house and money to shop whenever she wanted or needed something for herself or the children. I worked my ass off to make sure she was comfortable.”

  “But providing for her and your children wasn’t enough for her.”

  “Everything I did should have shown her how I felt. Exhausted as I was, I still wanted to have sex with her. She owed me that much.” Starks got up, paced behind the chair. “It’s easy for a man to tell a woman he loves her and that he desires her. It’s another thing for him to be there for her and provide for her. And not just provide the necessities, but the luxuries, as well. Working seven days a week was how I showed my love.” He thumped the toe of his shoe against a chair leg. “I’ve worked seven days a week for as long as I can remember. It’s how I was raised.”

  “But it wasn’t her way to feel loved. She needed more. Did you ever call her during the day to ask how her day was going?”

  Starks stared at his handcuffs. “I didn’t have time for that.”

  “Is it possible that even something as simple as that one call a day might have made a difference?”

  “I suppose.”

  “How was Kayla behaving at that time?”

  “Abrasive. Confrontational. She went through nannies; couldn’t get along with any of them, which I know wasn’t their fault, because she was getting into it with her friends as well. Even with some of my friends. She even damaged her relationship with her best friend, Jenny.”

  “How did you handle the changes in her behavior, as well as the lack of sexual contact?”

  “Michelle Cooper. Complete opposite of Kayla. Listened when I spoke; great personality. We had chemistry. Sex with Kayla was non-existent at that point. I couldn’t take it anymore. Michelle was happy to fill my needs.”

  “Did Kayla know about her?”

  “Eventually.” Starks snickered. “Used my own tactics on me: Checked the call log. Saw how much time I was on the phone with the same number. She called it from a pay phone. When Michelle answered, she hung up.

  “Kayla was furious with me. She called Michelle again, from our home phone, to make Michelle think it was me, and told her she was going to make her life a living hell if she didn’t leave me alone.”

  “Do you understand why Kayla felt hurt?”

  “Sure. But it’s only now that I understand how she might have felt.

  “What about the fact that you made the time and gave the attention to Michelle that Kayla had been asking you to give to her? What message do you think that communicated to her?”

  Starks glared at Demory then relaxed his face. “I never thought about it like that. Maybe she did feel an emotional connection with Ozy, especially if he made her feel the way she needed to. But their relationship was a farce. I loved Michelle.”

  “You were okay with loving two women at the same time?”

  “I had no problem with it.”

  “Couldn’t Kayla have felt the same way?”

  “She only thought she loved Ozy, and that he loved her. He was just using her for sex. They’d meet in parking lots. Who the hell respects a woman who’ll put out in a parking lot? Over time, it became wham-bam sex. Kayla accused him of no longer caring about her. She badgered him, and when he didn’t change, she got furious with him. He called her unstable. Told her if she didn’t start behaving better, he’d have to end it.”

  “How do you know all this?”

  “Jenny’s husband, Richard, told me some of it. Plus, Kayla confirmed most of it, as well.” He cupped his head in his hands.

  “What is it?”

  “She got involved with Bret after we separated and now she’s pregnant.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “I can’t explain what I’m feeling. It’s not that she got involved with him or anyone. Our legal separation agreement stipulated we could see other people. It’s just… although I’ve said it was over between us, it wasn’t until I heard this news that I realized it was mostly my anger talking. And your favorite word: Pride. But, I guess this means it really is over.”

  “Not easy to realize, if you believed something else.”

  “Especially not while in here, where I can’t do anything about anything, not that there’s anything I could do.” He lowered his head and looked away. “In a way, I feel like I’m dying.”

  Demory nodded. “That’s understandable. It’s like getting an unfavorable diagnosis. First comes denial. Then maybe there’s praying or hoping everything will work out. Eventually there’s acceptance.

  “Despite all you’ve said about Kayla, I believe you still love her, at the very least, because she’s the mother of your children. And as difficult as is may be to accept, your life is traveling in a very different direction from hers now, and will for quite a while, if not permanently. It may hurt but as soon as you can, you need to think about your children. If Kayla can truly find happiness, your children will benefit.

  “Starks, look at me. It may not seem like it but you will come to terms with this, over time. If you allow yourself to.”

  “Right now it feels like a cluster-fuck.”

  “I’m sure it does.” Demory put his pen down. “I’m sorry to end our session here, but time’s up.”

  Starks nodded and made his way to the door.

  “Starks, I know it seems like unpleasant stuff keeps coming at you. There’s always a way to figure out what to do, how to manage yourself during such times. You need to believe that.”

  “Don’t worry, Doc. I’ll think of something.”

  CHAPTER 54

  STARKS FELT BREATHLESS as he returned to his cell in silence.

  Larson put his magazine down and said, “Man, what’s that face about? Bad session?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. But I do want to thank you again for what you did for me.”

  “Taking one for the team, you mean?”

  “Yeah. I’m wrung out. I’m going to catch a nap.”

  Starks climbed into his bunk, resting his head on both arms placed behind him on the pillow. Images of Blake, Nathan, and Kaitlin flashed through his mind. He saw them as newborns, toddlers, and as they had grown. It struck him that the slideshow-like quality of the images was because his memories were mostly from photographs taken during special events in their lives and candid moments captured
on film by Kayla and others, moments he hadn’t been around for most of the time.

  He’d missed so much because he’d stayed on the periphery of their lives, never realizing that he was doing it, convinced that what he did for them was more important than being with them. These next years, photographs would be all he’d have, if he could even get them. The children would grow up and into their futures, while he’d stay stuck here. Would they even want to have anything to do with him once he got out? Or while he was in prison?

  His situation was certainly not the same as a parent who’d lost a child, but was similar in one significant way: That moment when the parent saw a friend of his child years after the loss. When the realization stunned him that the friend had continued to grow, while his own child was forever framed in the mind as the age when his or her young life had stopped. He was sure it would feel nearly the same for him when he saw his children again, all those years later.

  Starks clutched at his chest, remembering that he did know what this was like. Tears welled in his eyes.

  Kyle.

  How often he forgot to remember the boy tore at him.

  He swiped away tears. Breaking down was not the thing to do. Not here. Not now. He took in several deep breaths to calm himself.

  A new future for his three living children was beginning, after they’d gone through hell for so long. Not that the tough times were truly over, with their father labeled as a convict. He wanted them to be happy but he no longer had any control over how that happened. As difficult as it might be to have them visit him, it was a matter he needed to reassess. Of the two choices, not seeing them would be worse. He needed to find the courage to face them.

  He woke when it was time for dinner; nodded as though listening, as Lawson chatted through the meal. Starks ate but didn’t taste.

  Once back in the cell, he made his excuses before climbing into his bunk and falling into a heavy sleep punctuated by disjointed dreams.

  Among the many dreams that caused him to toss about and tangle his limbs in the blanket was Kayla panting on top of Ozy in the back of his SUV, both of them laughing at him as he beat on the window and shouted for them to stop.