by Nesly Clerge
Toward the end of the visit, Kayla finally spoke.
“There’s something I need to discuss with you.”
“You’ll have to be disappointed.”
“It’s about the letter you sent. I was surprised to hear that you felt that way after all that’s happened.”
“I wrote that in another lifetime.”
“Oh. Well, then, about the divorce. The papers were filed before you went to the hospital.”
Starks turned away from her. “Boys, I’m sorry but visitation time for me is over. Give your dad a big hug.”
The boys hopped off their chairs and wrapped their arms around him, holding on tight. He buried his nose in Blake’s hair, closed his eyes and inhaled his son’s scent. He did the same with Nathan. It wasn’t that he’d forgotten their scents, but that he wanted to make sure he never did. He wanted to be able to call this to mind when he needed to remind himself who everything he did and had to do from this moment on was for.
“Remember what I said about telling Kaitlin I’m sending her a big hug and kiss. And tell her I miss her and love her.” He hugged his boys again then held them a few inches away. He looked back and forth at them and said, “I love you. I always have. I always will.”
Nathan’s eyes filled; he aimed them downward. Blake put an arm around his brother. “I’ll watch out for Nate and Kaitlin, Dad.”
“You’re growing up so fast and doing a good job of it.” He stroked each son’s cheek. “I’m proud of each one of you.”
Starks cast one quick glance at Kayla, shook his head slowly from side to side then left the room.
Once he was certain he was out of their sight, Starks leaned against a wall, gulping air, stifling tears his body strained to release. The pain was palpable; he placed a hand over his heart.
He wanted to see his children again but he’d do what he could to make damn sure it wasn’t their mother who brought them. God how it had hurt to see her carrying another man’s child… while still married to him. He had to acknowledge the fact it would feel as crushing if they’d been divorced for years. His family’s demise was now clearly a fact.
He needed air, light, and something to take his mind off what had just happened and what he was feeling. But he had a few hours left to work in the library. He walked into the book-filled space, noticing, but not caring, that books and magazines had been left out rather than returned to their proper places; that crumpled papers pitched at trash cans had missed their mark. He went into the back office and busied himself with task after task, waiting until his shift was over and recreation time allowed him to go outside.
When that time came, he sped to the yard, looking around for something to occupy his mind. He found it in one corner of the enclosure. Hector Sanchez occupied that space with the same three Hermanos who’d been with him in the laundry room.
Starks joined them.
Sanchez said, “What we talked about? It goes down next week.”
“Get word to me the day before. One of you four find me. No one I don’t know, or it won’t happen; I’ll deny knowing what they’re talking about. Whichever one of you comes, bring me the shank you’re going to use. I’ll tell you then when and where to pick it up the next day. You have less than eight hours to use it or it won’t work. You understand?”
“Si, amigo. You’ll hear from one of us.”
Starks nodded then kept walking, going around the perimeter of the yard several times, making it appear that he was exercising, rather than trying and barely succeeding to exorcise demons.
CHAPTER 106
STARKS SAT IN his chair in the cell, staring unseeing at the unopened book in front of him on his desk. He glanced at Jackson when he strolled in then back at the book.
“Man, you don’t look so good,” Jackson said. “What’s up?”
“I saw her.” Starks lifted and lowered the book cover with one finger, and continued to do so.
“I’m gonna take that to mean you saw the dragon lady.”
The corners of Starks’s lips went up slightly. “That’s an apt description.”
Jackson pulled his own chair out, turning it around so he could face his cellmate. “Wanna tell me about it?”
Starks turned sideways in his chair, keeping his left side to Jackson, rather than looking directly at him. “I’d made it clear I didn’t want to see her. As usual, she did whatever the hell she wanted. My fault for leaving her name on the list. That was bad enough. Seeing her pregnant—knowing it’s not mine—hit me hard.”
“What’d you say to her?”
“I gave her the silent treatment, for the most part. I didn’t dare say what I wanted to. Far as I’m concerned, she’s put the nail in the coffin for our ever getting back together.” Once again he stared out into the corridor. “She brought my sons.”
“I don’t have kids but I’ve heard how tough that can be. How’d they handle it?”
“They were… I guess you’d say fascinated by what they saw, like seeing the bearded lady for the first time at a carnival. They were excited to see me. I had to cope with a lot of stuff going on in my head all at once—for their sakes, you know?” He looked at Jackson, who nodded. “When I asked them how things were at home, I didn’t like the looks on their faces. Kayla made sure to tell them not to say anything about what’s going on at the house with the father of her child and his daughters.”
“You think he’s maybe messing with your kids?”
Starks clenched his hands into fists. “I don’t know. And as I said, Kayla made sure they’re not talking about what’s what there. I just hope to God the nanny’s doing her job and keeping them safe.”
“Just because they’re not his doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for them.”
“Maybe he isn’t mistreating them—he’d lose his ticket to ride, if he did; at least I hope Kayla would have enough sense to protect the children—but the guy’s a phony. Even if he acts like he cares, that’s all it is, an act. He’s only in it for himself. That’s something he and Kayla have in common.”
Starks walked to the sink to splash cold water on his face and neck.
Jackson watched as his cellmate studied his reflection in the mirror. “You have a woman in your life. Emma, right?”
“Yeah. So?” Starks turned around.
“How was she around your kids?”
“She treated my kids with respect and kindness. I watched her anyway, of course, but it was obvious she was sincere; wasn’t putting on a show for my benefit. My kids said they liked her. Not always easy for kids to do, especially when they want their parents back together.”
“Do you get along with Kayla’s… uh… guy?”
“No. But I didn’t act like an asshole to him in front of my kids either. When I picked them up from the house, I’d wait in my car. Same for when I dropped them off, until they got inside. Bret came out of the house the first time I picked them up, waving them off like he really gave a fuck. He was dressed in a short robe. Eleven o’clock in the morning and he’s still in a fucking robe, with his tanned legs showing—tanned out by my swimming pool. Who knows what he was wearing under the robe, if anything. With kids in the house, he should get dressed before he leaves the bedroom—my bedroom. Anyway, I got out of my car. Stood by the driver’s side and gave him a look he couldn’t misunderstand. After that he stayed inside whenever I showed up.”
“How does Kayla act about Emma?”
“Like she’s not a threat.”
“Is she right?”
Starks glared at Jackson then shrugged and looked away.
“This is some complicated shit, man.”
Starks rubbed the nape of his neck then returned to his chair. He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Yeah. I’d like to say—and mean it—that she’s his problem now. But that’s not the fact. They’re all my fucking problems. Whatever. I need to find out what’s happening there. Make sure my kids are okay.”
“If they’re not?”
Starks looked at Jackson with eyes
so cold his cellmate shivered. “Someone better hope they are.”
CHAPTER 107
HE WASTED NO time once he was seated across from Demory. “Look doc, I’ve been thinking about what we talked about last week.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“That woman knew what she was doing, and she’s still not sorry for any of it. Time I face the fact that what she did is her nature.”
“When you talk about Kayla, all I hear is animosity. When you talk about Emma, your face lights up. It seems Emma should be better for you, yet you’re still stuck on Kayla.”
Starks, radiating tension, raised himself from the chair and stood in front of the framed certificates hung on the wall to the left of Demory’s desk.
“No response?” Demory said.
“I’ve always had a thing for Kayla. Doesn’t mean I don’t love Emma.”
“You need to figure out where your loyalties are.”
“My loyalties were clear before. It was always my marriage and my kids. I admit I contributed to the degradation of the marriage. We both caused a lot of hurt. But I wanted to save the marriage for the sake of my children and for the fact that I did love her. I told her I was sorry for what I did. She started calling me day and night, saying how she wanted me back, even though she was still seeing Ozy. I told her if she didn’t call him and end it, we were over. By that point I was so disgusted with her I—”
“Would you have started over with her?”
“I don’t really know, now. It wouldn’t have been easy but I’d like to think I was willing to work on it.” He rocked forward. “I realize now that I wouldn’t be a man if I went back to her. And if I’d gone back then, she wouldn’t have respected me and damn sure wouldn’t take me seriously. All I can say is what goes around comes around. Her relationship with Bret isn’t going to last. I’d bet money on it and win.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Kayla was already cheating on Bret. As I said, it’s her nature. It’s just taken me this long to get that. One guess about who she cheated with. If that kid she’s carrying comes out with blond hair, I don’t know how she’ll get out of it with lover boy. She and Bret both have dark hair and no blonds in their families.”
“Is that the reason you attacked Ozy, because she went back to him?”
“Partly. It wasn’t fair that Ozy destroyed my relationship, and went back to his normal family life as if nothing had happened. I didn’t go there to hurt him. I just wanted his wife to know the truth. I wanted to destroy his life just like he destroyed mine. That’s when I went to his house and that’s what landed me in here.”
“It’s human nature to want revenge.”
Starks returned to the chair. “Kayla came to see me last week.”
“How’d that go?”
“She tried to talk to me but I didn’t give her the satisfaction. She brought our sons so I’d behave. Hurt like hell to see her carrying someone else’s child.”
“But you stayed in control.”
“Had to.”
“I’m sorry I’m going to be away, especially now, with all you’re dealing with. Still, I’m encouraged. You’ve made some right choices—keeping calm with Kayla, cutting short an unpleasant visit with your mother. Two conscious decisions you made in stressful moments.”
“You really think I’m making progress, Doc?”
“You’re doing better. Still have a ways to go. Now, to the matter of my absence… The temporary counselor’s name is—”
“I don’t care who he is; I’m not talking to him.”
“If you change your mind, ask someone in the infirmary to set up an appointment for you.”
“I won’t.”
“Since I won’t see you for a while, there’s something I want to say. I’m sure you’ve heard that line about the woman who protests too much. I’m referring to how much you talk about Kayla and dwell on what happened. It’s obvious you still have strong feelings; I’m just not sure I’d call it love at this point. If you’re right about her nature, she won’t change. Plus, she’s having another man’s child. Sometimes we want something we can’t have, and are probably better off if we don’t get it. But we’ll ride that merry-go-round until we make ourselves sick. The wisest choice is to get off. Starks, at some point—and I hope it’s soon—you need to get the nail of bitterness out of your shoe so you stop spinning in circles about her and move on.”
“Quite a parting speech. I’ll think on it.” Starks went to the door then looked back. “Two months away from here. I envy you, Doc. Do me a favor and don’t miss us or this place.”
“I will, if you’ll promise to keep making the best choices.”
“I’m getting smarter about that all the time.”
CHAPTER 108
IT WASN’T THAT Starks wanted to eat lunch in the chow hall but that he needed to find Jackson, who was working his kitchen shift. Skullars Bailey was eating alone at a table near the entrance. He approached the inmate, calling out ahead of time, respecting the fact that deliberately surprising inmates was never a good practice.
“Hey, Skullars. Remember me?”
“Yeah, mon. What gwan on?”
“Mind if I get a tray and join you?”
“Okay wit me.”
Starks found Jackson and raised one eyebrow in question when his cellmate saw him. Jackson nodded once. It was their agreed-on sign that the hastily formed plan was underway; that at that moment, Mike Lawson, aka The Weasel, was sitting in his isolation cell wondering why he was enjoying a large steak cooked medium-rare. It would take more than a day for the lingering aroma to diminish in the enclosed space.
Two minutes later, Starks sat across from Skullars.
The men ate in silence until Skullars said, “Dis food is shit.”
Starks laughed. “It’s better to get something from the commissary.”
“Dat costs money, mon.”
“Yes, it does.” He waited a few moments then asked, “Mind telling me what put you in here?”
“I killed a mon.”
“That would do it. If you don’t mind my asking, any other time done for other… activities?”
Skullars flicked his head, sending dreadlocks behind his shoulders. “Neva stole. Neva sold drugs. Neva got into trouble. I worked hard to get to dis country wit my fam’ly. Work hard for my fam’ly… till it all turn to shit. I was a truck driver. Was on a run when fucking punks broke into my apartment. Dey kill my wife and…” He clenched the fork in his hand. “And my boy, fourteen years old. I found out who dey were. I beat dem. One got away. I kill de other. If I hadn’t been arrested, de other one be burnin’ in Hell also.”
“I’m sorry for your loss, Skullars. And,” he waited until the man was looking at him, “I’m sorry you got arrested before you could finish what you needed to.”
“No mon ever say dat to me before. Make me tink you really understand.”
“I do.” Starks speared a piece of meatloaf on his fork and stared at it before putting it into his mouth, chewing twice then swallowing hard. “Things any better since I last saw you? People leaving you alone?”
Skullars shrugged.
“Like you, I worked hard for my family. My wife wasn’t the good woman yours was; mine betrayed me in more ways than I can still believe. Broke my heart and the hearts of my three children. I have two sons and a daughter, all young.”
“Dat’s hard. To be here, away from dem.”
“It isn’t the kind of loss you’re dealing with.”
“It still hurt.”
“Thanks for saying that. Anyway, I confronted the man who destroyed my family. And now I’m in here.”
“You kill him?”
“No. But it wasn’t for lack of trying.”
“Mebbe you didn’ try hard enough.”
“Police stopped me.” Starks pointed his fork at his companion. “But I messed him up good; put him in a coma for a long time.” He speared a couple of green beans. “His wife’s divorci
ng him, and my wife no longer wants him. That’s something, at least.”
“We kinda da same.”
Starks nodded. “Listen,” he moved his head closer, “one thing that helps in here is to have some protection. Someone looking out for you. They look out for you, you look out for them. I’ve been here longer than you have—not a lot longer—not even a year yet, but I’ve learned some things. Been through a lot.” He rubbed his abdomen. “Have the scars to prove it. I’m setting up protection for myself and a few others. If you’d like to be included in that, I’m inviting you.”
Skullars’s eyes narrowed. “What I have to do for dat protection? You seem okay but I don’t know you.”
“I understand. And I like that you’re smart enough to look at it that way. That’s how you have to be in here.” Starks paused then continued. “I have a meeting in a little while. Just some business I have to take care of. Why don’t you come with me? See what’s what.”
“Why you wan me go wit you?”
“I like how you handled yourself the other day. And I know what it’s like to get here and feel alone, to not know anyone, not know who to trust.” He lifted his shirt just enough, satisfied when Skullars gasped. “I know what it’s like to trust the wrong people in here.” Starks smoothed his shirt into place. “No pressure. It’s up to you.”
Skullars sat for a moment, staring at Starks, then said, “You coulda let dem batty boys do dey worst wit me de other day but you didn’t. What da fuck. I go wit you and see what’s what, like you say.”
“Great. Eat up. We have to be in the laundry room in twelve minutes. When we’re in there, stand behind me. Pretend you’re my muscle guy.”
“Mebbe I don’ pretend, mon.”
“Skullars, I like your style.”
The inmate scowled at the food and pushed his tray away. “I heard somethin’ once. ‘I felt bad ’cause I had me no shoes, till I saw a mon without no style.”
Starks laughed. “You’ll do just fine.”
The two men exited the chow hall then walked down the corridors, drawing attention from other inmates.
Fortune, Starks thought, is smiling on me.
