by Faith Gibson
“Fuck, Cass. I take it you’ve seen her since?”
I nod again. “I have. Every time was better than the one before. And tonight? Fuck me, if she isn’t perfect. But I hurt her. After we made love, I told her my real name. She’d been calling me Eli, and I wanted her to know who was in her bed, so I told her to call me Ryan. She put it all together after that. When she accused me of killing… Jamie, I told her the truth. All of it.”
“What’d she say?”
“After I convinced her that her best friend was capable of murder, she asked me if I had only been using her. I admitted I had been in the beginning.”
“And?”
“And I left. I couldn’t stand the pain in her eyes or the way she was looking at me. I drove around trying to clear my head, and here I am.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“Work. A lot.” I push off the door frame and go snag a beer out of the refrigerator. I probably should eat something, but the way I’m feeling now, I’ll welcome the buzz.
“You have plenty of money with the sale of the house. If you need some time, take it.”
“I’d rather keep busy, if it’s all the same.”
“What are you going to do about Lexie?”
I scratch my beard and bark out a short laugh. “Nothing I can do. For one thing, she’s still married to Adam. For another, why would she want the man who ripped her world out from under her? Her marriage was shitty, but it was still hers. I not only took her husband away from her, but her best friend as well.”
“Did you ever think she might be appreciative that you did it? Yeah, she’s married, but you gotta think at some point she wanted out. Now that he’s gone to prison for who knows how long, she’s probably gonna get the divorce she’s been wanting but was too scared to go after. And I think I’d be ready to find a new set of friends after finding out the ones I had were bad fucking seeds. But I gotta ask you, Brother, are you sure you wanna jump right into a relationship? I know it’s been thirteen years, but that time in between then and now wasn’t really your time. It was borrowed. You weren’t living, and since you’ve been out, your head’s been in one place and that was getting your revenge. Now that’s over, you have a chance to do anything you want.”
“Yeah, I can want in one hand and shit in the other, and I have a feeling I know which one will get full first. I know I have money, but I want to work. Keep busy. I want to put enough cake in the bank to get my own place and get out of yours and Zeus’s hair.”
“You can stay here as long as you want, Cass. I kinda like having someone to do the fucking dishes.” Jared grins, but I know he’s being honest.
“I appreciate it. I’m not looking to move out tomorrow, but I need to be on my own for once. In all my life I’ve always lived with someone else. I think it’ll do me good to get out and find out who Ryan Cassidy is now.” I down the rest of the beer and toss the bottle in the garbage before grabbing another. I don’t feel like being alone, so I sit down on the other end of the sofa. “Thank you, Jared. For everything.”
“That’s what family’s for,” he quips. I look at him and raise my eyebrows. He and I burst out laughing at the same time. “Okay, maybe not all family.”
I sit back and get comfortable, enjoying the music floating across the room. I guess Jared realizes the conversation’s over, because he turns the volume up. We sit there with Zeus between us, letting the sounds of Pink Floyd soothe our souls.
I spend the next few weeks diving into my work, staying later than needed just to keep busy. At night, I drown myself in booze. I do push-ups and sit-ups until I want to puke up all the alcohol in my system. Jared gives me a wide berth most of the time, but I can tell he’s worried about me. Hell, I’m worried about myself. I don’t sleep. I barely eat. It’s unhealthy, but fuck it. Nothing can make me stop thinking about Lexie. I stalk her without her knowing it. I sit outside her salon and watch her work. I drive by her house after she’s gone to sleep. I just thought I was obsessed before I finally sank into her heaven. Now…
****
It’s been close to a month since I’ve talked to her. Held her. Made love to her. My dick hasn’t even been on board with jerking off. Seems he misses her, too. I walk in the door, not bothering to speak to Jared when he calls out to me. “Cass, we need to talk.” I stop and look at him over my shoulder. “Sit down,” he instructs, pointing at the chair I sit in for breakfast. I plop down like a petulant fucking child and cross my arms over my chest. “You need to go see Lexie.” I open my mouth to interrupt, but he holds up his hand. “No. Hear me out. You’re fucking miserable, and you’re making everyone else around you miserable. How do you know she doesn’t feel the same way? How do you know she isn’t at her house right now crying herself to sleep because she fucking misses you as much as you do her? Go see her. If not for yourself, fuck, do it for me. Tomorrow’s Sunday, and you know she’ll be home. Go to bed, without sucking down a bottle of booze first. Clean yourself up, and go see your woman.”
Jared leaves me alone in the kitchen, not waiting for a response. I pull out my phone and look at her picture. It’s the one from her Facebook page. The one where she’s sad. God, what if he’s right? What if she’s sad and I’m the reason? I swipe my thumb across her picture, and silently vow to go see her. At least then I’ll know one way or the other how she feels.
Chapter 29
Lexie
My life has never been so tumultuous. The ups and downs, the highs and lows, are all too much. I got what I wanted. Sort of.
Adam is gone.
Behind bars.
Out of my life.
I should be ecstatic, but I’m not. I’m alone. And lonely. Not for long. Not only is Adam behind bars, but my best friend and her husband are dead. Murder-suicide. I can’t believe it happened that way, but I refuse to believe Ryan was responsible. I might not know him well, but I know deep down he couldn’t do something so vile, even if he was out for revenge. He told me he didn’t do it, and I believe him.
I barely made it through work today. I should have cancelled all my appointments. The women I have working for me are more than capable of running things without me for a few days. I thought if I could keep myself busy, it’d be so much better than staying home feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t bring myself to go to Amanda’s funeral. Not after what Ryan told me about her role in his wife’s death. How can you be best friends with someone for almost twenty years and not know the kind of person they are deep down? Hell, I didn’t even know Adam, and I was married to him.
My heart hurts. I miss him – my thief. Ryan Cassidy stole everything from me the day he broke into my home. I was living my life, content to go to work and back without expecting anything else, except maybe the strike of Adam’s hand when he was pissed about something. That I could count on. What I couldn’t count on were feelings that I’d buried deep inside, feelings I long forgot having, being brought back to the surface. Feelings of being wanted. Cherished. Feelings of wanting what I couldn’t have.
It’s been weeks since I’ve seen Ryan. When I asked him if he was using me, he said, “at first.” Did it mean he’d developed feelings for me as well? It doesn’t matter. He obviously got what he wanted. Neil is dead. Adam is behind bars. He got his revenge, and I got…
I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I haven’t been able to face my parents. They know about everything, well almost everything. You can’t turn on the local television station and not know. The news crews have finally stopped setting up shop in front of my home and salon. My phone has finally stopped ringing off the hook. I talked to my mom a couple of times, but there’s nothing she can say to me to make me feel better. I go to work and come home. My customers look at me with pity. At least they still let me do their hair. Maybe it’s because they feel sorry for me. Whatever the reason, I’m thankful for it.
I went to see a lawyer yesterday. Now that Adam is behind bars, I’m filing for divorce. He can’t stop me if he can’t get to
me. With all the evidence stacked against him, he won’t be getting out of jail for a long time, if ever. I know he didn’t kill all those men, but I still think he deserves to be where he is. Knowing he helped cover up what Amanda did to Ryan’s wife, Adam deserves what he got. I’m thankful he’s where he is. Now I can be free of him. I can attempt to move on with my life. I make myself eat something before I head upstairs. I need rest, and knowing my sleep will be erratic, I lie down before it’s even eight o’clock.
****
I wish I opened my salon on Sundays, because I have nothing to do but sit and think. And clean. My house is spotless. I wanted to put it on the market, but since it’s in Adam’s name as well as mine, I can’t do anything with it but let it sit. I don’t want to live here any longer. I have money squirreled away in an account he knew nothing about – just in case. It’s a good thing, since all of Adam’s assets were seized because of evidence they found on his computer of him being a dirty cop. Another reason I don’t want to live in this house. Everything he ever bought was paid for with dirty money.
I’m going to look for something much smaller. I don’t need four bedrooms. You need two. I don’t need a house that holds nothing but bad memories. Not all were bad. No, there are a few good ones, but they’re bittersweet. Meeting Ryan allowed me to feel wanted again, but without him coming to see me in the shadows of the night, I have nothing. That’s not true.
I’m sitting at the bar in the kitchen with a cup of coffee cradled between my hands. “Lexie,” his voice says softly. I’m so lonely that I’ve conjured him in my mind. Hands surround me, pulling me back into his hard chest. “Lexie,” he whispers against my ear. A nip at my earlobe lets me know I’m not hallucinating. I turn loose of the mug and grasp his fingers in mine. I need the contact to know he’s really here.
“Ryan? Please tell me you’re real.”
“I’m real, baby. I tried staying away, but I couldn’t. If you want me to leave, I will. But first I have to tell you something.”
“Tell me,” I whisper, turning around so I can look at him. If I can get him to stay long enough, I will make him see how much I want him. Need him.
“I missed you, Lex. I missed your beautiful smile. The softness of your skin. The way you come apart when we make love. I’m not a good man. I’ve done things that you would hate me for. But I am a man who knows what he wants, and I want you. I don’t have much to offer. I can’t promise I’ll always say the right words, but I can promise I’ll never lay a hand to you that’s done in anger. I’ll never make you feel like less of a woman than you are. I’ll do my best to put you first. I’m not going to apologize for the things I did before. I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t do them all over again, and I will never lie to you.
“Things went so much further than I intended as far as Adam and Neil go. I am sorry about Amanda, but that was taken out of my hands. Not that I regret it. If I could have gotten to Amanda when I heard her say she killed my wife, I would have ended her with my bare hands. So, you know the kind of man I am, but if you’ll give me a chance, as fucked up as the reason is we met, I think I can make you happy.”
Ryan wipes the tears rolling down my cheeks. Seems like that’s something he does every time we’re together. I close my eyes and sigh. How do I tell him what I’m feeling when I’m afraid he’ll walk out the door again, only this time for good? When I don’t respond, he removes his hands. “I see. I’ll just go,” he says, backing away.
“No, you don’t see, but when I’m done trying to explain it, you might walk out the door again. That scares me more than anything.” I have to try to make him understand. I continue to sit on the stool, because I doubt if my legs will hold me if I stand. Ryan strides back towards me, leaving a few feet between us. I take a moment to examine his features in the daylight. His long hair is styled back away from his face. His eyes are intense as he waits for me to talk. His hands are in the pockets of his jeans that do nothing to hide how massive his legs are. He looks nothing like the young man my husband ruined all those years ago. Young Ryan Cassidy was cute in a boyish way. This man standing before me is roguish. Built. Powerful. All man. He is the devil. And I’ll follow him straight to hell if he’ll still give us a chance when I tell him my truth.
“There’s nothing you can tell me that will make me walk away from you.”
Twisting my hands in my lap, I tell him, “I know the kind of man you are, and still, nothing would make me happier than you showing me that man every day. I filed for divorce yesterday. I need to put my old life behind me so I can start fresh. Start new. I can’t put the house up for sale until this mess with Adam is settled, but I don’t want anything in my life going forward associated with Adam Murdock. I thought about leaving town…” Ryan growls when those words leave my mouth, and it makes me cheer inside. “…but I have my salon, and I don’t want to start over in a new town. Not with you here. I feel something for you, Ryan. I want you in my life for more reasons than you’ll ever know, but the biggest one…” Oh, God. How do I tell him this?
Ryan closes the distance between us and takes my hands in his. He kisses my knuckles before placing my palms on his beard. I can’t breathe with him this close, but I have to. I have to tell him…
“I’m pregnant.” I just blurt it out. I stare at his face as a myriad of emotions show in those dark, expressive eyes of his. Hurt. Betrayal. Thoughtfulness. Realization. Hurt at thinking I’m carrying Adam’s child. Betrayal that someone else put a baby in me. Thoughtfulness at remembering Adam had a vasectomy. Realization that the baby is his.
“You mean…” Ryan’s eyes are now misty. I’ve never seen a man as badass as he is cry, but a tear rolls down his face.
“Yes,” I whisper. “I didn’t tell you to trap you. I would never do that. If you don’t want me, don’t want us, I’ll understand. But I can’t leave town and take your child away from you.”
“We’re going to have a baby?” His face morphs into the largest smile I’ve ever seen. He grabs me off the stool, and I have no choice but to wrap my legs around his waist. “We’re going to have a baby!” he shouts and twirls us around the kitchen. Whatever fear I had over telling him is gone. I still fear being a mother when I’m almost forty, but I can’t help but think everything will be okay. “We’re going to have a baby,” he whispers before he touches his lips to mine in the most tender, heartfelt kiss in history. I would bet money on that. He presses our foreheads together. “You want this with me, Lex? Please tell me you want this.”
“I want this,” I assure him. I want this more than anything. Ryan moves through the house with me wrapped around him and takes me upstairs to my bedroom where we made our baby. Most men wouldn’t want to have sex in another man’s bed, but he’s not most men. Ryan lays me down gently and begins to strip out of his clothes. I remove my gown and panties, and open my legs for him. I invite him into my body knowing we’re going to be okay.
Cass
I’m going to be a father. Me. Ryan Elijah Cassidy. When Lexie said she was pregnant, I wanted to die inside. It took me back to hearing Jamie had been pregnant with Neil’s kid, and I felt like the universe truly had it in for me. It took me a minute to remember what Lexie said about Adam having a vasectomy. I had shot my seed into her body, wanting to mark her. It looks like I got my wish. I got what I wanted without even knowing I wanted it.
Lexie didn’t profess her undying love for me. She almost made it sound as if she would have left town if it wasn’t for her business or the baby. Not me. I need to make her see that I’m worth giving her heart to. I love her. I’ve loved her since the first night I laid my head in her lap. When she stroked my hair. I never believed in love at first sight. Hell, I had all but given up on love being real. Until I met her. Now I know it’s real. And the little nugget she has inside her? I’m already so in love with him I can’t see straight. It has nothing to do with the tears filling my eyes.
I’m not a good man. Not anymore. But as I stroke the inside of my woma
n with my cock, I vow to be good to her and our child. I don’t tell her I love her. Not yet. But one day very soon, she will hear those words from me. My child will hear them. Every day I will make them both feel nothing but love. Unconditional love.
“Thank you,” I say instead. “Thank you for giving me a child. Thank you for giving me a chance. I promise you won’t regret it,” I say as I kiss her between words. I can’t hold back my orgasm. “I’m close, baby. Can you come with me?”
“Yes, Ryan. I’m there,” she husks as she digs her fingernails into my triceps. Her pussy clamps down around me, spurring my cock to shoot off like a goddamn rocket. I try not to pound into her too hard. Don’t want to hurt the baby and all that. I might think my cock’s longer than it actually is. All I know is it gets the job done. When I pull out, I roll to the side, taking my woman with me. Now that she’s carrying my baby, I’m claiming her and never letting her go. When I tell her that, she gets misty-eyed. For once, I don’t shut that shit down.
Lexie and I spend all day and night in bed. We only get up to eat and shower, and then we’re fucking again. Lexie finally got around to putting her luscious mouth on my cock, and now I can’t decide if having her pussy or her mouth is better. Either way is a win-win for me.
We talk about where we want to live. With the money I got for my house and the money she’s been saving, we’ll have enough to buy a nice place where we can raise a kid. Fuck me. I’m going to be a father. I’m still reeling from that bit of news, but knowing it’s Lexie’s baby is all the assurance I need that the kid will turn out okay. She’s scared because of her age, but I know she’s going to be just fine. We’re going to be just fine. I have no doubt I’ll fuck up at some point, but it won’t be because I’m not trying to be the best father I can or the best husband for Lexie. I thought I couldn’t love again, but this amazing woman proved me wrong. I have no choice but to love her.
