by S. Walden
“I’m not going to get hurt,” Emma argued.
Morgan grunted and walked into a bathroom stall.
“I won’t, Morgan,” Emma insisted, but the image of Nate standing at her car door flashed into her mind making her doubt her resolve. “Yo’ daddy know you fuckin’ a nigga?” he had said, and she shivered involuntarily.
“Do Aubrey or Sarah know?” Morgan asked from inside the stall.
“No.”
“Good, because I’d have been pissed if you told them before telling me,” Morgan said. “What about your parents?”
“Are you insane?” Emma stood in front of the bathroom mirror and studied her reflection. “They think we work on our project at your house,” she said finally. “When we’re not at mine.”
The bathroom stall door flew open. “Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry,” Emma replied. “I really am. But I can’t tell them I’ve been going to his house.”
Morgan was shocked. “You’ve been going to his house?!”
“Well, yeah. Where did you think we did our work?”
“I don’t know. At the library. At a damn park!” Morgan said, scrubbing her hands ferociously. “His house? Emma, isn’t that, like, dangerous or something? Where does he live exactly?”
Emma didn’t respond.
“Hello? I’m talking to you. Where does he live?” Morgan insisted.
“West Highland Park,” Emma said quietly.
Morgan rolled her eyes. “God help us,” she muttered wiping her hands with a paper towel and tossing it in the trash can.
“It’s not that bad. I mean, it’s not like there’s drive-by shootings or blatant drug deals going on.”
Morgan shrugged. “Well, at least it’s not those projects on Davidson Parkway,” she observed. “Still ghetto, though.” She studied her friend for a moment. “Is that where you’re having sex?”
“Well, yeah,” Emma said, feeling her face blush. “Where did you think we were doing it? My house?”
“No. I guess I figured you were doing it in a car somewhere like every other teenager in America,” Morgan replied.
Emma said nothing.
“You have a lot to tell me, you know,” Morgan decided.
“I know.”
“But right now I’m late for some yearbook crap,” Morgan continued. “Call me tonight so we can chat. Okay?”
“Alright.”
“You better call,” Morgan yelled to her friend as she exited through the door.
Emma watched her leave and then gathered her bags. When she reached the parking lot of the school, Anton was leaning against her car waiting. Her heart fell. She was not prepared to face him, but now she had no choice. She walked towards him, a hollow aching in her stomach that wouldn’t go away.
***
She drove them to the park. They were silent on the drive. She didn’t know what to say, and he was visibly angry. It wasn’t until she parked the car and turned off the ignition that he spoke.
“Are we really back there again?” he asked. “Ignorin’ each other at school? I introduced you to my friends, Emma. I thought we was past all that now.”
Emma couldn’t look at him. She would not tell Anton what Nate said to her when she left his house. However cruel it was, she almost felt Nate was justified in being upset. After all, she was the outsider. She was the wedge that had come between two best friends. The guilt she felt was unbearable.
“Are you not even gonna talk to me?” Anton said.
“Anton, I like you, but—”
“Oh my God. What the fuck is this? You dumpin’ me? After everything?” He was panicked.
“No. I’m not dumping you,” she said looking at him.
“Then why the hell did you say that? And when did you start likin’ me? The other night you said you loved me,” he said. He was charged and defensive.
“I do love you, but I can’t be responsible for breaking up a friendship!”
“What are you talkin’ about?” he asked.
“You and Nate.”
“Oh.” Anton thought for a moment. “Look, it ain’t ideal, okay? But if Nate wanna be mad at me over who I date, then that’s somethin’ he just gonna have to live with. It ain’t my problem.”
“But he’s your best friend,” Emma said.
“I know that,” Anton replied. He shifted in his seat. “It’s hot as hell in here.”
He got out of the car and she followed. They walked to the lake and sat down near the edge watching the ducks paddle languidly in the water. They looked content, Emma thought.
“Man, I need to be a damn duck,” Anton observed. “You know how much easier it be to be a duck?”
Emma smiled. “I imagine it’d be kind of boring though.”
“But I wouldn’t have to be dealin’ with all this bullshit,” he said and then quickly added, “Not you. I didn’t mean you. I meant Nate and all that.”
“I know you didn’t mean me,” Emma said.
“I love Nate, you know? He my homey. My best friend. We go back a long way. Kindergarten.” Anton was silent then, brooding.
Emma watched as the ducks plunged their heads under the water, searching for food, cooling off, she didn’t know. She wondered what her life would be like if she were an animal. The simplicity of instinct. The absence of emotion. It was a tempting thought, being an animal, but then she was no magician.
“He wasn’t always so angry,” Anton said after a time. “Truth is I been tired of his bullshit lately. Mad about everything. I mean, I know he got a right in some ways. You seen where we live. But everything? He can’t just chill and be happy. That’s always been what’s different about him and me. I know my situation ain’t ideal. I wish I be livin’ in yo’ house. But I ain’t gonna be some angry nigga about it all the time.”
Emma listened. She was conscientious of Anton’s need to express his feelings about Nate, to get it all out, and made sure she didn’t interrupt.
“I mean, how he gonna get that mad about me datin’ you? He talkin’ like I’m betrayin’ my kind, like nobody in the whole damn world ever got with someone who wasn’t they same color. I mean, I get how it be a big deal in high school because high school just stupid, but in the real world? It ain’t a big deal with adults, is it? I see those kinda relationships all the time. It ain’t no big deal.”
Emma nodded.
“You got any opinion on this?” Anton asked looking at her.
“Oh, well, I was just letting you talk,” Emma replied.
“Well, I want you to talk back.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Alright then,” she said.
“Jesus, Emma! Tell me what you think.”
“Oh, okay. Well I think you’re right. I think interracial relationships aren’t a big deal. In the real world, that is. But I think they are a very big deal in high school,” she replied.
“Why you think that is? High school kids just stupid or somethin’? It can’t be all high school kids ‘cause we ain’t stupid.”
“I don’t know. I think high schoolers are just trying to fit in somewhere. Find a group and feel safe, you know? And it’s easy to split up into groups according to color.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Gee, thanks. I was just putting something out there.”
“No, not yo’ comment. The truth behind it. I can’t believe I used to think that way. It’s just so fuckin’ stupid,” Anton said. “I can’t wait ‘til I’m grown and done with all this, you know?”
“Yeah,” Emma replied.
“It’ll be different for us then,” Anton said.
Emma’s heart gave a small leap. Was he including her in his future? The thought was exhilarating, and she suddenly leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled at her, not understanding the motivation behind her kiss but liking it.
“I told Morgan about us,” Emma said. Anton’s smile faded.
“Yeah? I’m sure she had some things to say,�
� he replied coolly.
“She was shocked, that’s for sure,” Emma said. “But I think she’s okay with it.”
“And if she wasn’t? Would you not be with me?”
“Don’t be ridiculous! I don’t do things according to what my friends think,” Emma said.
Anton grunted.
“I know you don’t like her,” Emma went on.
“She always givin’ me these dirty looks. I ain’t never done nothin’ to her,” Anton said defensively.
“She’s just looking out for me,” Emma replied. “She’s a fierce friend.”
“Fierce friend,” he muttered. “She need to take that shit somewhere else.”
Emma scooted closer to him, linking her arm with his.
“She just wants to be sure that you’re going to treat me right,” she said sweetly.
“Yeah, well she just need to worry about her own damn self,” Anton replied.
“Don’t be mad at her,” Emma said, and kissed his neck.
“Don’t even be doin’ that. I’m still mad at you for earlier. Avoidin’ me all day. Now you think you can just talk all sweet and kiss my neck and that’s that? I forget about how you treated me?”
“I’m sorry I avoided you,” Emma said into his neck.
She kissed him again and heard the familiar low rumble in his throat. He was fighting the urge to respond to her, but she was relentless, and she pushed him down on the soft grass, climbed on top of him and straddled his hips.
“There people out here!” he said.
“I’m just going to kiss you,” Emma said innocently. The sun was to her back framing her face with light, and he was sure that she transformed into an angel.
She bent down and kissed him, long and slow. He responded to her then; he had no choice. He’d swim with hungry sharks or sky dive without a back-up parachute if she wanted him to, he thought absurdly. He’d do anything for this girl. He thought he would even renounce his faith in God, would go with her to hell just to be with her. He’d burn for eternity to feel the softness of her lips.
He kissed her hard realizing he wanted more and could not get it. His mother was home. They had no place to go. He would have to content himself with simply kissing her here out in the open for all of the park visitors to see. Fuck ‘em, he thought. They could go to hell.
He inched his hands up her thighs to rest under her skirt on her bottom, squeezing her playfully and breaking the magic of their kiss as she sat up abruptly slapping his hands away.
“We’re in public! Hello?” she said, looking wildly around.
“Girl, you kiss my neck then climb on top of me and then you gonna give me shit about squeezing yo’ ass?” Anton asked.
Emma grinned and crawled off of him.
“You just a little tease,” he said, sitting up. “Someone need to teach you a lesson ‘bout bein’ a tease.”
“Yeah? And if that someone were you, what would you do?” she asked.
“I’d bend you over my knee and lift up that ruffley skirt of yours and—”
“Stop! That’s enough,” Emma said. Her face was beet red.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
They fell into a comfortable silence with one another, watching the lake, running their hands over the spring grass, listening to the conversations of birds overhead.
“You know, I don’t know who got who in this relationship,” Anton said at last.
“What do you mean?” Emma asked.
“Well, it’s like this. I can make you come by just lookin’ at you—”
“Anton!” Emma squealed.
“Now wait, just lemme finish. I can do that to you, and it make me feel like I got all the power in the world over you. And then you say somethin’ or you touch my arm or kiss my cheek or somethin’ simple like that, and I feel like gettin’ on my hands and knees and worshippin’ you. And then you got all the power. I can’t figure it out. I really can’t.”
Emma smiled at him. She watched his face, his brows furrowed in concentration.
“I don’t understand it either,” she said finally.
“I like it though. I mean, it weird and frustratin’ sometimes, but I like it.”
“Me too.”
“So this what bein’ in love is like? I ain’t never felt this before,” Anton said.
“I guess it is,” Emma replied softly.
“Well, okay then,” Anton said, taking hold of her hand and staring back out on the water.
CHAPTER 17
FRIDAY, MAY 7
“Hi girls!” Emma said cheerfully, plopping her purse and lunch bag on the table. Morgan, Aubrey, and Sarah stared back and forth between her and her company. “I brought along some friends today. Mind if they sit with us?”
Kareem wasted no time wiggling his large body in between Aubrey and Sarah. Settling in, he took note of their facial expressions and couldn’t decide which one looked more terrified. Johnny D and Lamar—who actually made it to school that day—acted as bookends, nestling the three as tightly together as possible.
“So, I’m sure Morgan informed you two that I’m dating Anton,” Emma said, addressing the two frightened girls on the other side of the table. She had taken a seat beside Morgan.
“Well, I wanted to avoid any awkwardness,” Morgan noted with sarcasm.
Anton couldn’t help but laugh. “Kareem, don’t be lookin’ at her like that. It’s obvious she don’t want you near her.”
“Baby, that not true, is it? Tell me that not true,” Kareem begged Aubrey. He grinned at her.
“Oh my God. Can you scoot over please?” Aubrey said.
“Um, no he can’t,” Sarah said from the other side of Kareem.
“Say, is that a real Louis Vuitton?” Lamar asked Sarah. He fingered the purse.
“Yes, and please don’t touch,” Sarah replied, snatching the bag away from him.
“Man, Emma, why yo’ friends gotta be so uptight? They need to relax,” Lamar said. And then looking at Sarah, he added, “Baby girl, I didn’t mean no harm by touchin’ yo’ purse. It’s just so pretty. Like you.” He let his fingers lightly brush the top of her hand as he winked at her.
“Emma, I’m changing tables,” Sarah said, standing up suddenly.
“What? Like in third grade? Come on, Sarah, he’s just playing with you. Chill out,” Emma said laughing.
Sarah narrowed her eyes at Emma and slowly sank back into her seat.
“Okay, introductions,” Emma said. “Aubrey, Sarah, Morgan, this is Johnny D, Kareem (he placed his arms around the girls flanking him when he was introduced), and Lamar. And obviously you know this is Anton.”
“Hey,” Anton said.
Neither Aubrey nor Sarah responded as they were busy trying to shrug off Kareem’s heavy arms. Morgan turned to face Anton.
“It’s nice to meet you, Anton,” she said, and he realized that it was the first time she actually smiled at him. It was strained, but still a smile. He’d take what he could get. “It’s nice to meet the rest of you, too,” she added, looking at the other boys.
They all smiled, and Emma began feeling hopeful. Perhaps this could actually work, she thought.
“Aubrey, is that yo’ real hair?” Johnny D asked.
“What does that mean?” Aubrey asked affronted.
“I mean it so thick and shiny. It all yo’ hair?”
“Yes, it’s all my hair.”
“Well, I know you girls be gettin’ those extensions or weaves or whatever. I don’t know what you be doin’ to yo’ hair half the time. It just look so perfect, I had to ask. Was I out of line?” Johnny D asked.
“Yes,” she snapped, and he chuckled.
“No, see man, the black girls, they get the weaves,” Kareem explained. “The white girls, they get the extensions.”
“Nah man. It the other way around,” Lamar pointed out.
“Man, is you stupid? You ever seen a white girl with a damn weave?” Kareem asked.
Lamar considered the q
uestion.
“I think it true what people say. You hang out with people who look like you,” Johnny D said. “All you girls got perfect, shiny hair. You all look alike. It’s like some twins up in here.”
Morgan rolled her eyes. “Except that there’s four of us,” she muttered.
“You all pretty,” Lamar chimed in. “But you all prolly know you pretty.”
Aubrey couldn’t help but grin. She’d never been talked to this way—so frank and honest—and she wasn’t sure she didn’t like it. It was silly and fun.
“So how long y’all been friends?” Johnny D asked.
“A long time. We went to private school together,” Sarah answered.
“Private school?” Anton asked, looking at Emma. She shrugged. “You ain’t never tell me about private school.”
“Well, you only just met her, remember?” Morgan said. She instantly regretted her words.
Anton chose to ignore her. Emma flashed her an angry look. Kareem was too busy making eyes at Aubrey. And Lamar kept trying to touch Sarah’s hand.
“We went to a private school together until sixth grade,” Emma pointed out.
“So why you not go there now?” Kareem asked, addressing the question to Aubrey.
“It closed down,” she answered, feeling more comfortable by the minute.
“And they ain’t no other private schools around?” Johnny D asked.
“I’m sorry, do you want us to be going to a private school?” Morgan asked. As much as she tried, she could not keep her mouth shut. “I’m just confused. Why all the questions?”
“They just wanna know about you,” Anton replied. His voice was controlled though he felt his temper rising.
Morgan said nothing.
“My parents couldn’t decide on one they liked,” Sarah said, noting the tension between Morgan and Anton. “And once they found out that the others were coming here, they figured it was okay to send me too.”
“I see,” Johnny D said. “So you four travel ‘round in like a pack or somethin’.”
“We kill as a pack, too,” Aubrey replied.
The boys laughed out loud.
