by S. Walden
“I’m eighteen! What she expect?”
“It doesn’t matter. She’s still your mother. She’s looking out for you the way a mother is supposed to.”
Anton shrugged. “I really wanted to have sex with you today.”
Emma laughed at his disappointed tone.
“Look, I don’t want to have sex either,” she said. “I just threw up all my insides.”
Anton squeezed her lightly and she winced.
“It’s just weird now, you know? My mama know what we doin’. I mean, I think I always knew she knew. But now it’s out in the open.”
Emma made a noise and shrugged.
“You in for it tonight,” he said after a time.
Emma’s heart dropped. “I know.”
“I can’t believe you did that, Emma,” he said chuckling. “What was you thinkin’?”
“They were just giving me a hard time about going to church with you. You know, because it’s on this side of town. I just got pissy. It was the complete wrong way to go about it, I know. But they just made me so mad.”
Anton grinned. “Well, that’s ‘cause you scrappy.”
“Hmm.”
“What if they make you stay away from me?” Anton asked after a moment. His tone was suddenly serious.
“That won’t happen,” she replied.
“But what if they—”
“That won’t happen,” she said again more firmly.
Anton nodded and said nothing.
“So what should we do today?” Emma asked.
He had no idea.
CHAPTER 21
MONDAY, MAY 10
Anton swaggered down the hallway holding Emma’s hand. He nodded politely to students at their lockers and asked them how they were doing. Most stared at him blankly. A few told him where to shove it. But some actually smiled and answered him.
“Stop being so goofy,” Emma said.
“I can’t help it,” he replied. “You know how happy I am? I can’t even believe yo’ parents okay with us bein’ together. I feel like I been reborn or somethin’.”
She smiled remembering her phone conversation with him the previous night. She had gone home that evening to face the wrath of her parents. She knew they would object, demand she stay away from him, argue that he was no good for her and would never be. She prepared herself for the fight, but the fight never came.
They asked her a few specific questions about him and then asked her if she was happy. Her parents asked her if she was happy, Emma thought in disbelief. She never thought that was a concern of theirs, but when they voiced it, she could do nothing but run into her mother’s arms and hug her tightly. Then she ran to her father and did the same.
She told Anton over the phone and he nearly rendered her deaf by his reaction. Then he insisted she was lying, but she promised him she was not. It was all too real, but she felt like she was living in a fantasy. The world around her was getting bigger as she let the ones she loved in on her secret. She liked feeling utterly exposed. Now no one was in the dark, and the hope grew inside of her that she and Anton could be happy. Possibly forever.
“Now you officially my shorty,” he said.
“Oh jeez,” Emma replied.
He scrutinized her. “Hmm, you really short. Maybe I’m’ll have to call you my shorty shorty.”
“You’re silly,” she said laughing and nudging him.
“Say, what the world look like down there?” He squatted until he was eye level with her. Then he looked around him, down at his feet and up above.
Emma stood staring at him, hands on her hips.
“Man, it feel weird down here,” he said. “Like I could walk right into a mouse hole no problem.”
She smacked his arm. He shoved his face into hers, their eyes dead even.
“Gimme a kiss,” he ordered, and she had to obey.
He stood up and stretched his back.
“What does the world look like up there?” Emma asked after a moment.
“Well, climb on and I’ll show you.” He squatted again and let her climb onto his back. He latched his arms under her knees and stood straight up.
“Wow. So this is what you get to see every day,” Emma said looking around.
She noticed that she looked down at most people as they walked by. A few were eye level, but no one passed by her who was taller.
“Not too bad, huh? And I can tell you when it’s gonna rain,” he said
She laughed brightly. Anton walked her down the hallway and back before putting her down. The bell was going to ring, she reminded him, and she couldn’t be late. He didn’t care if he was. She kissed him on the cheek before heading for the stairwell. He wanted to go with her. Could he sit with her in class without the teacher knowing? He knew that wouldn’t work.
“Go to class,” he heard her call from afar. He sighed and obeyed.
She started the climb up the stairwell unaware of Nate who was headed down. The stairwell was so packed with students that she only felt his presence after he passed by her. When she approached the landing, she turned and looked down. He was looking up at her.
He stood there staring at her as if considering something. He didn’t look menacing; he looked sad and defeated. She had never seen him look that way. She had only ever seen indifference or anger. She raised her hand to wave at him, thinking absurdly that perhaps he wouldn’t look so sad if she acknowledged him. It was as though her wave jolted him back to reality. His face flushed with resentment, and he turned to leave.
***
Anton found Nate outside hanging with some friends after school. New friends, Anton thought bitterly. He approached Nate with resolve. They were going to cut the shit, he thought decidedly. He knew what Nate was up to. He knew that he was falling deep into bad drugs, hanging with the really dangerous crowd. Anton was scared for his friend, and he missed him. He couldn’t stand not having Nate be a part of his life. They had too long a history for him to just let Nate walk away.
“Hey man,” Anton said. “Gotta second?”
Nate looked at him confused. “What you want?” he asked.
“Can I talk to you somewhere else?” Anton asked looking at Nate’s friends. They were such punkass bitches, he thought.
“Whateva,” Nate replied.
He took his time saying goodbye to his friends before walking with Anton towards the student parking lot.
“Why we goin’ here?” Nate asked. “You get yo’self a car or somethin’?”
“Nah man. I ain’t made that much money,” Anton replied.
“Oh that’s right. I forgot you got that job,” Nate replied.
“Yeah. I’m tryin’ to pick up as many shifts as they let me. I wanna car.”
“What you need a car for? Yo’ girl take you wherever you need,” Nate said. His tone was sulky.
“She can’t drive me around for the rest of my life,” Anton pointed out.
Nate was quiet. He stood with Anton at the edge of the parking lot, hands shoved in his pockets trying to appear uncaring. Anton decided it was time to get to the point.
“What’s goin’ on with you lately, man?” he asked.
“What you mean?” Nate replied.
“I mean, who these jokers you hangin’ with? We hate those guys, Nate.”
“They cool,” Nate said. He shrugged and kicked at a large rock on the pavement.
“Come on, Nate. Where you been? Kareem say you never hang out no more,” Anton said.
“What the fuck you care?” Nate asked suddenly.
“I care ‘cause you my friend,” Anton said. “My best friend.”
Nate shifted uneasily.
“And I’m worried about you,” Anton added.
The look on Nate’s face made Anton wish he hadn’t added that last part.
“This some kinda intervention or somethin’? Yo’ girl put you up to this, ‘cause I know you wouldn’t think of it?” Nate said.
“What are you talkin’ about?” Anton asked.
“I don’t need you comin’ around tellin’ me you worried about me, you condescendin’ muthafucka.”
Anton felt the anger rising.
“I ain’t tryin’ to be condescending, Nate. I just know you been doin’ drugs you shouldn’t.”
Nate laughed derisively. “Man, she really cleaned up yo’ ass fast! You used to smoke weed. What? You not do that no more?”
“Man, I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout weed. I’m talkin’ ‘bout crack and shit like that. Why you doin’ that, Nate?”
“It ain’t yo’ business what I do,” Nate replied.
Anton felt frustrated, unable to find the words that would penetrate his friend’s heart and soften him. Where was the kid who used to play with him on the scary metal slide and merry-go-round in their neighborhood? Where was the kid who used to smile?
“Nate, can’t we just cut this shit out and be cool?” Anton asked.
“No.”
“Why not?” Anton asked.
“Because you a traitor, man. And I don’t hang with no traitors,” Nate replied.
“Why can’t you just let that go, man? Nobody else around here seem to have a problem with me and Emma except you,” Anton said.
“That ain’t true. I know lots of people who think it’s bullshit. You just don’t know ‘cause you been in yo’ white world lately.”
“I’m still hangin’ with all the guys we hung with,” Anton argued.
“You talkin’ about Kareem and Lamar?” Nate asked. “Shit, those muthafuckas be traitors, too. Hangin’ with yo’ girl’s little white bitches. They nothin’ but some sell-outs like you.”
Anton felt exasperated. There was no way to break through the wall; Nate had sealed it up, fortified it with the impenetrable forces of hate. Anton could bang his fists against the wall with all of the might in his body and it would never move.
“So you tellin’ me that after bein’ friends for thirteen years, you gonna just drop me like that?” Anton asked.
Nate walked towards him, shoving his face into Anton’s face and pointing a finger at his chest.
“No man, I didn’t drop you. You walked away from me,” he said heatedly. “And don’t you fuckin’ forget it.”
He pushed past Anton toward the road. He had missed the bus and would have to walk home. Emma sat in her car watching from the other side of the parking lot. She sensed from the body language of both boys that their fight was not resolved, and her heart dropped. She saw Anton walk towards her and started the car.
He climbed in muttering to himself. She said nothing allowing him to work out his frustrated feelings. She did take his hand in hers while she drove, and he let her. She left it at that. If he wanted to talk about it, she would let him. But she wouldn’t ask. She wouldn’t push it.
She waited, hoping he would share with her and let her help him carry the burden of grief over the loss of his friend. But he remained quiet, cut off from her. She did not know what else she could do but take him home and love him and help him forget for awhile. She hoped that would be enough.
CHAPTER 22
THURSDAY, MAY 20
She felt him staring at her. She didn’t see him, but she knew he was there. She felt nervous and wondered why Anton was taking so long to get to her locker. Where did he go? She could not remember. She tried to ignore the eyes she did not see. She tried to imagine that he wasn’t there and that she was alone changing out her books. Where was Morgan? Aubrey? Where was Kareem? No one was around, and she felt the anxiety creep into her heart making it beat fast and irregular.
She closed her locker door and turned around. He was there just as she suspected, scowling as he looked her up and down. He let his eyes rove over her slowly, and he made sure that she could see him doing it. She shifted nervously and thought that maybe she should go to the bathroom. She could hide there, she thought, and then the anger rose. Why would she let him intimidate her that way? But she left for the bathroom anyhow.
He stayed close behind her, stalking her. She panicked and quickened her step. She rounded the hallway and was just there at the entrance to the women’s restroom when he jumped in front of her blocking her way.
“Hey Emma,” he said sneering.
She remained silent, her eyes darting all around.
“Lookin’ for yo’ boyfriend?” he asked.
“What do you want?” she replied shakily.
“I don’t want nothin’,” he said affecting puzzlement. “I was just comin’ over to say hello.”
She made a move to walk around him, but he blocked her way.
“You don’t wanna be friendly with me?” he asked backing her against the wall.
She said nothing.
“That hurt my feelin’s. You friendly with other niggas. Why you not wanna be friendly with me?”
He moved closer to her. Emma drew in her breath sharply as she felt his hand brush her hip. People were passing by in all directions. Did no one see what he was doing to her? She wanted to scream, but she was afraid of what he would do.
“You friendly with other niggas,” he said sensuously, looking at her face. “Very friendly.”
“Please go away,” she whispered.
“You don’t wanna be very friendly with me?”
He spoke so softly that his words were barely audible above the commotion in the hallway, but she heard them. She also felt his hand move from her hip to her backside, squeezing her, and she instinctively pushed him away. He laughed scornfully as she hurried into the bathroom.
“Fucking bitch,” she heard him say as the door closed behind her.
***
Anton shoved another chip in his mouth and looked at her.
“Emma, what the hell is goin’ on? I about ate yo’ whole bag of chips and you just let me. You love yo’ chips and you always givin’ me hell about eatin’ ‘em. So what’s goin’ on?”
“I share with you,” she replied distracted.
Anton looked at her unconvinced.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said quietly.
Aubrey and Sarah noticed it too, and they tried to draw it out of her delicately.
“Did something happen with your parents?” Aubrey asked.
“No.”
“Did something happen in class today?” Sarah tried.
“No.”
“Are you not feeling well?” Aubrey asked.
“Just drop it, okay?” Emma snapped. She got up from the table abruptly and went to the trash can to dispose of her uneaten lunch. Anton told the girls to stay, that he would go and talk to her.
“Baby, you gotta tell me what’s wrong,” Anton said when he reached her.
She looked up from the trash can, and he saw the tears swimming in her eyes.
“I just can’t,” she said.
“Yes you can,” he replied. He put his arms around her, and she began crying in earnest.
“It’s okay,” he said, taking her hand and leading her to a more private area of the outside courtyard.
“He said things to me,” Emma cried as they sat down on a low brick wall.
“Who said things to you?” Anton asked. He felt the bearlike protective nature take over. It pervaded his limbs instantly. He was ready for the attack; all he needed was a name.
“Nate,” she said quietly.
Anton’s heart sank. He felt his hands ball into fists.
“What did he say to you?” he asked, trying with difficulty to control his temper.
“I don’t know. He said hello, but he wasn’t being nice about it. He wanted to know why I wasn’t friendly with him, that I was friendly with other black guys. Although he didn’t say black guys. He said the “n” word. He was really nasty about the way he said it. And then he touched me.”
Anton was already across the courtyard in search of Nate. Emma ran to him and grabbed his arm.
“Please don’t, Anton. I’m begging,” she pleaded, pulling on his arm.
“Emma, you lost yo’ mind if you
think I’m’ll let that little bitch talk to you like that,” Anton said, stopping his search to look at his girlfriend. “Where’d he touch you?”
“Nowhere,” she said.
He bent low until his face was even with hers. He tried for patience.
“Emma, you just said he touched you. Now you gonna tell me he didn’t?”
“Please Anton,” Emma said.
“Where did he touch you?” Anton tried again, this time his temper getting the better of him.
“On my hip,” she whispered.
“Anywhere else?” he asked. He thought it an absurd question. Nate touching his girlfriend’s hip was enough to drive him insane. He would kill him. He knew he would.
“No,” Emma replied.
Anton searched her face. He knew she was lying.
“Where else did he touch you, Emma?”
The tears were spilling over. She couldn’t say it. She felt humiliated and afraid of what Anton would do.
“Where else, Emma?” he asked impatiently, and then the horrifying thought occurred to him. “Did he touch yo’ ass?”
Emma nodded.
“Muthafuckin’ bitch. I’m’ll kill him,” Anton said, and he proceeded with his ruthless search.
Emma followed behind him, pleading with him to stop, telling him that it would only make things worse. She told him she was fine, that it wasn’t a big deal, that he should be the better man and let it go. Anton ignored her. The better man, he thought incredibly. The better man was going to beat the shit out of Nate.
He searched the entire school building until he spotted Nate at the end of a hallway on the upper level floor. Nate saw him and knew why he had come. He pushed past the people he was talking to and headed for the stairwell. Anton was gone in a flash, and Emma couldn’t hope to keep up with him.
“Why you runnin’, nigga?” Anton shouted at the top of the stairs. “You afraid of me?”
“I ain’t afraid of yo’ ass, muthafucka,” Nate spat. He was at the bottom of the stairs looking up at Anton.
“Then get yo’self up here so we can have a little chat,” Anton ordered.
“I got nothin’ to say to you, you fuckin’ sell-out,” Nate replied.
