Rex sat in his homemade armchair facing the flickering TV screen. A tiny doodad, concealed in the chair’s back, sang happy awakenings into his cerebral cortex. Rex awoke with a start. He took in his surroundings.
‘Oh no NO NO!’ cried Rex. ‘This isn’t a happy-ever-after. Barry, where are you? Barry, HELP!’
‘Only kidding, chief. Just my little joke.’
Rex was suddenly back in his cottage garden. The sun shone, bees buzzed. Fido snoozed. Rex laid his spade aside and mopped his brow. The last finishing touches to the new septic tank were last and finished. Rex tossed his spade over the hedge. ‘A job well done,’ he said.
Christeen called to him from the bathroom window. ‘It’s working,’ she called. ‘It flushes and everything. Come inside and take a shower and I’ll say thank you properly.’
‘Hmm.’ Rex looked around suspiciously. If there was a trick ending coming. Now would about be the time. The bees continued to buzz and the sun to shine. Rex scratched his head. ‘Blimey,’ said he. ‘It really is a happy ending this time.’
And it was.
The Hellcab ground its way through the endless void of Time and Space. ‘On to adventure.’ Barbecued Bill raised his carbonized cap.
‘And where exactly would that be?’ asked Johnny Dee.
‘The past, chief.’ Barry bobbed up and down on the decomposed dashboard. ‘And let’s step on it. I have a pressing appointment in Presley City. I’m fathering a new order of mankind. Half man, half sprout. I did this deal with the Great Accountant.
‘But first, 1959.1 want to persuade Buddy Holly to take the bus instead of the plane ..’
‘Weeeeeeeeelll, that’ll be the day,’ sang Barbecued Bill the cabby.
‘Fade out and roll the end captions, chief.’
CAST
Rex Mundi - HARRISON FORD
Christeen - MADONNA
Ed Kelley - BRUCE WILLIS
Johnny Dee - JACK NICHOLSON
News Vendor - ROGER MOORE
Lazlo Woodbine - RUTGER HAUER
Dame - KIM BASINGER
Fangio - ORSON WELLES
Tomorrowman Barman - KENNETH BRANAGH
Garth - SYLVESTER STALLONE
Laura Lynch - CHER
Bill the Cabby - ROBERT DE NIRO
Cecil - KEVIN COSTNER
Sam Maggott - ROBBIE COLTRANE
Murphy - EDDIE MURPHY
Desk Clerk - MICKEY ROURKE
Jonathan Crawford - MICHAEL J. FOX
Thaddeus Meek - SEAN CONNERY
Kevin - ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Reg/Jason - TOM CRUISE
Alison/Sharon - JULIA ROBERTS
Mojo - SEAN PENN
Debbie - WHOOPI GOLDBERG
MTWTV Station Head – GARY OLDMAN
Driver - RONDON HATTON
Harpo/Chico - BROS
Set Dresser - SIR HARRY CORDWELL
Weapons - LORD JIM CAMPBELL
Motor Cars - SKODA
Continuity – LADY RAYGUN
SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS BY BIRO
Produced by JOHN VINCENT OMALLY
Written and directed by JIM POOLEY
ELVIS PRESLEY IS A FICTITIOUS CHARACTER AND NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH ANY OTHER ELVIS PRESLEY, PAST, PRESENT OR FUTURE.
BARRY THE TIME SPROUT © APPEARS THROUGH KIND PERMISSION OF BLOKE DOWN THE PUB WORLD MARKETING INC ©.
A FLASH IN THE PAN PRODUCTION
Also by
ROBERT RANKIN
The Antipope
The Brentford Triangle
East of Ealing
The Sprouts of Wrath
Armageddon: The Musical
They Came and Ate Us
The Suburban Book of the Dead
The Book of Ultimate Truths
Raiders of the Lost Car Park
The Greatest Show Off Earth
The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived
The Garden of Unearthly Delights
A Dog Called Demolition
Nostradamus Ate My Hamster
Sprout Mask Replica
The Brentford Chainstore Massacre
The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag
Apocalypso
Snuff Fiction
Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls
Waiting for Godalming
Web Site Story
The Fandom of the Operator
The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse
The Witches of Chiswick
Knees Up Mother Earth
The Brightonomicon
The Toyminator
The Da-da-de-da-da Code
Necrophenia
Retromancer
The Japanese Devil Fish Girl and Other Unnatural Attractions
The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age
The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds
Illustrated works:
The Bumper Book of Ficts written by Neil Gardner
EMPIRES
E-book edition cover illustration by Robert Rankin
Art direction, gorgeous green eyes, sweet nose and steelpan solos Rachel Hayward
Table of Contents
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The Suburban Book of the Dead - Armageddon III: The Remake (Armageddon Trilogy 3) Page 28
