The Suburban Book of the Dead - Armageddon III: The Remake (Armageddon Trilogy 3)

Home > Science > The Suburban Book of the Dead - Armageddon III: The Remake (Armageddon Trilogy 3) > Page 28
The Suburban Book of the Dead - Armageddon III: The Remake (Armageddon Trilogy 3) Page 28

by Robert Rankin


  Rex sat in his homemade armchair facing the flickering TV screen. A tiny doodad, concealed in the chair’s back, sang happy awakenings into his cerebral cortex. Rex awoke with a start. He took in his surroundings.

  ‘Oh no NO NO!’ cried Rex. ‘This isn’t a happy-ever-after. Barry, where are you? Barry, HELP!’

  ‘Only kidding, chief. Just my little joke.’

  Rex was suddenly back in his cottage garden. The sun shone, bees buzzed. Fido snoozed. Rex laid his spade aside and mopped his brow. The last finishing touches to the new septic tank were last and finished. Rex tossed his spade over the hedge. ‘A job well done,’ he said.

  Christeen called to him from the bathroom window. ‘It’s working,’ she called. ‘It flushes and everything. Come inside and take a shower and I’ll say thank you properly.’

  ‘Hmm.’ Rex looked around suspiciously. If there was a trick ending coming. Now would about be the time. The bees continued to buzz and the sun to shine. Rex scratched his head. ‘Blimey,’ said he. ‘It really is a happy ending this time.’

  And it was.

  The Hellcab ground its way through the endless void of Time and Space. ‘On to adventure.’ Barbecued Bill raised his carbonized cap.

  ‘And where exactly would that be?’ asked Johnny Dee.

  ‘The past, chief.’ Barry bobbed up and down on the decomposed dashboard. ‘And let’s step on it. I have a pressing appointment in Presley City. I’m fathering a new order of mankind. Half man, half sprout. I did this deal with the Great Accountant.

  ‘But first, 1959.1 want to persuade Buddy Holly to take the bus instead of the plane ..’

  ‘Weeeeeeeeelll, that’ll be the day,’ sang Barbecued Bill the cabby.

  ‘Fade out and roll the end captions, chief.’

  CAST

  Rex Mundi - HARRISON FORD

  Christeen - MADONNA

  Ed Kelley - BRUCE WILLIS

  Johnny Dee - JACK NICHOLSON

  News Vendor - ROGER MOORE

  Lazlo Woodbine - RUTGER HAUER

  Dame - KIM BASINGER

  Fangio - ORSON WELLES

  Tomorrowman Barman - KENNETH BRANAGH

  Garth - SYLVESTER STALLONE

  Laura Lynch - CHER

  Bill the Cabby - ROBERT DE NIRO

  Cecil - KEVIN COSTNER

  Sam Maggott - ROBBIE COLTRANE

  Murphy - EDDIE MURPHY

  Desk Clerk - MICKEY ROURKE

  Jonathan Crawford - MICHAEL J. FOX

  Thaddeus Meek - SEAN CONNERY

  Kevin - ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

  Reg/Jason - TOM CRUISE

  Alison/Sharon - JULIA ROBERTS

  Mojo - SEAN PENN

  Debbie - WHOOPI GOLDBERG

  MTWTV Station Head – GARY OLDMAN

  Driver - RONDON HATTON

  Harpo/Chico - BROS

  Set Dresser - SIR HARRY CORDWELL

  Weapons - LORD JIM CAMPBELL

  Motor Cars - SKODA

  Continuity – LADY RAYGUN

  SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS BY BIRO

  Produced by JOHN VINCENT OMALLY

  Written and directed by JIM POOLEY

  ELVIS PRESLEY IS A FICTITIOUS CHARACTER AND NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH ANY OTHER ELVIS PRESLEY, PAST, PRESENT OR FUTURE.

  BARRY THE TIME SPROUT © APPEARS THROUGH KIND PERMISSION OF BLOKE DOWN THE PUB WORLD MARKETING INC ©.

  A FLASH IN THE PAN PRODUCTION

  Also by

  ROBERT RANKIN

  The Antipope

  The Brentford Triangle

  East of Ealing

  The Sprouts of Wrath

  Armageddon: The Musical

  They Came and Ate Us

  The Suburban Book of the Dead

  The Book of Ultimate Truths

  Raiders of the Lost Car Park

  The Greatest Show Off Earth

  The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived

  The Garden of Unearthly Delights

  A Dog Called Demolition

  Nostradamus Ate My Hamster

  Sprout Mask Replica

  The Brentford Chainstore Massacre

  The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag

  Apocalypso

  Snuff Fiction

  Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls

  Waiting for Godalming

  Web Site Story

  The Fandom of the Operator

  The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse

  The Witches of Chiswick

  Knees Up Mother Earth

  The Brightonomicon

  The Toyminator

  The Da-da-de-da-da Code

  Necrophenia

  Retromancer

  The Japanese Devil Fish Girl and Other Unnatural Attractions

  The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age

  The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds

  Illustrated works:

  The Bumper Book of Ficts written by Neil Gardner

  EMPIRES

  E-book edition cover illustration by Robert Rankin

  Art direction, gorgeous green eyes, sweet nose and steelpan solos Rachel Hayward

  Table of Contents

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  9

  10

  11

  12

  13

  14

  15

  16

  17

  18

  19

  20

 

 

 


‹ Prev